Compassionate Bliss

Unfortunately for the people I love and those around me, I am one of the most impatient people on the planet and I get easily irritated when people take too long, when they disappoint me, or when I’m under stress and just generally in a bad mood. This has always been one of my weaknesses and something I’m trying hard to tame so that I can enjoy smoother relationships with those around me.

One of the most successful techniques I’m using recently is a technique I learned from the book “Ten Zen Seconds.” You find a phrase and slow your breathing down so that as you take a five second deep breath in you say the first part of the phrase and as you exhale you say the second part of the phrase. There are many good phrases in the book and you are encouraged to come up with your own. I tried “I am blissful” for a while, but it didn’t seem to work for me as it seemed too forced as if I was expecting results without doing the work.

The phrase I’ve found that works much better for me in stressful situations and brings me to a deep place of bliss is “I am compassionate.” Every time I find myself getting irritated and out of sorts, I take deep breaths and breathe “I am compassionate.” It is amazing the deep feeling of calm and bliss that encompasses me at this reminder to be compassionate. What I’ve also found is that this forces me to think about the other person’s point of view and see things through their eyes. Once I’ve done that, it’s very hard to go back and feel irritated again.

I was in the resale shop the other day and there are very few clothes available for larger women and there was a woman just standing in front of the one rack that had the clothes I wanted to look at. I tried wandering around the store and coming back, but even after perusing the rest of the store, she was still there and I found myself getting more and more irritated that she was right where I wanted to be. I finally started taking deep breaths and reminding myself that I am compassionate. It took a few minutes before the feeling of compassion sunk in, but then I started realizing that she was in the same place that I was: not being able to fit into “normal size” clothes, not wanting to spend tons of money on clothes, and wanting to look nice. The compassion finally took hold and I was able to smile at her and to feel real compassion.

Compassion is also not something I feel easily when people chatter on and on about things I really don’t care about and unfortunately, my 17 year old daughter often talks about her favorite bands, people at school, and other subjects that I don’t find scintillating. We’ve had a number of blowups lately because I got irritated with her chatter and asked her to be quiet. Being the sensitive sort that she is—and the fact that I probably didn’t ask too nicely—led to her feelings being hurt. I carried the irritation with her and my guilt over hurting her feelings into the next several hours until I remembered to breathe my compassion and as I started my deep breathing I was able to put myself in her shoes and realize that she wasn’t sharing everything with me to irritate me or to annoy me, she genuinely wanted to share what was going on in her life with me and maybe get some advice. Once I realized that, I was able to feel compassion for what I’d once viewed as really irritating behavior.

However, that led to my feeling a lot of guilt and beating myself up over my own feelings of having been less than kind to my daughter. Deep breaths and more compassion helped me to realize that I needed to exercise compassion towards myself as well as others and I was able to take a step back and see that I was feeling stressed out about my job (my company has been undergoing a lot of RIFs), my inability to quickly find a new job, and the feeling that there was always too much month at the end of the paycheck. Once I was able to realize what was really causing my irritation and stress, I was able to show compassion to myself as well.

Compassion is also something you need to feel for those who may have done you wrong. My boss and I are like oil and water and add in the fact that she is a very inexperienced manager who has no skills when it comes to managing overachievers and it is a very combustible situation. It lead to a pretty nasty blowup a few weeks ago, but once the situation had cleared and she set up a meeting to discuss it, I was able to breathe deeply and feel compassion for her and the situation that she is in.

One thing I’ve learned is that feeling compassion doesn’t invalidate my own feelings. I still have the right to be angry, irritated, and to my own opinions. What compassion does is let me see someone else’s point of view and realize that they really aren’t trying to irritate me, they’re trying to express themselves the best way they know how and that sometimes I need to get beyond the words and the behavior that is irritating me and realize that they are people too and that maybe we can find common ground.

So what exactly is compassionate bliss? It is the deep feeling of bliss that comes from exercising compassion for your fellow man. For seeing them as a fellow traveler on the road of life who might need a helping hand or someone to listen. There is a deep sense of satisfaction and bliss from getting out of yourself and becoming part of the larger world.