Two of Cups – Cairn by Cairn

Shadow Work–Day 16

What negative aspects of my shadow do I project?

As much as I love the Dancer Two card in its aspect of soulmate, the message it gives me about this question is that I often turn my back to people I love. If things get too emotionally intense, I will back away and be standoffish rather than be emotionally available and open to another person. I also tend to pull away when conversations get too personal. I don’t like to let people in because of my fear of being hurt so I walk away and show my back.

The flip side of this is Dreamer Ten which tells me that if I get comfortable with someone I can bleed my emotional pain all over someone else. Up until recently, I’ve taken emotional hostages and expected them to be my emotional support human and take whatever pain and ick I’ve dredged up. If they pulled back or had their own issues, I got angry because they weren’t there for me in the the way I needed them to be there for me.

Dreamer Queen sitting on her pile of books tells me that when I am in uncomfortable situations, I approach them from a place of the mind and not the heart. This reminds me of my original list of qualifications for a partner. Because my ex was basically a deadbeat, my first criteria for being with someone was that they made as much or more than I do. A lot of people pointed out to me that I was ruling out a lot of potential partners on something arbitrary. They made the argument that a lot of guys were not like my ex and were self supporting and would not have their ego’s bruised by someone making more money than they did. To a certain extent, I see their point, but my fear has kept me from removing that criteria.

As always with the Tarot of the Sidhe, I’m getting a lot of good reads that are truly speaking truths I need to hear.

Shadow Work–Day 12

How do I integrate my shadow?

Dreamer King tells me to cut through the illusions and the bullshit. I have spent enough time working on healing work that I know it is bullshit to think everyone will treat me like my ex-husband. I also need to cut through my old beliefs that came from my misogynistic upbringing. I do not need a man to be happy. I do not need a man to be successful. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with and confide in, but I am a fully functional human being all by myself without anyone else. That is a really hard concept for me because I saw how divorced women were treated when I grew up (and yes that was in the 70’s and 80’s). Divorced women were to be pitied for not being able to keep their men and they were expected to either go out and get a new man or to move in with their parents. Intellectually I know that is total garbage, but I guess there was a part of me that believed that bullshit. Dreamer King tells me that I have the responsibility to let go of that way of thinking.

Dancer Two is a card that I love because it shows the soul mates back to back instead of face to face. I like this because it tells me that soul mates can be connected and always be there for the other, but that being soulmates doesn’t mean I have to be completely focused on the other person. Even though we are partners and together, we can still have our own lives and our own interests. This is the complete opposite of my marriage where John said he wanted us to build our own interests, but every time I tried he sabotaged me. I wanted to go back to school and he put up road blocks. I started working out after work and he started taking an earlier train so I’d have to pick him up sooner. He also expected me to be interested in everything he did and got pouty when I wasn’t interested in football. That is now how a relationship should work and that is the very clear message I’m getting from Dancer Two.

Dreamer Eight tells me that I sometimes get caught up in my own illusions and it is okay to cut through them and to recognize them for what they are. I have chosen to trap myself and it is time to free myself. I have it within my power to cut through everything that is holding me back and to step out of the trap. All that is holding me back is my own beliefs. This card has come up multiple times lately as it came up for my card of the day on Friday and it came up when someone read for me. The universe is screaming at me that it is time to step out of my own constraints.

Two of Water (Reversed)

Two of Cups
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This is a card of unconditional love. I love how she is hugging her dog, you can totally feel the love coming off of both of them. As this card is reversed, it is talking to me of love withheld.

Journaling:

Again I’m getting a card about ending relationships and about co-dependency. I know it is time to let go of a X and move on. He’s pulled away and it is time for me to let go and accept that it isn’t going to happen. The sad thing is that I really miss his friendship. I miss having someone in my life who knows me that well.

Even if there may be a time in the future when we are meant to be together, that time is not now. Now is the time to open my heart to love and ask the universe for guidance as to what I want in a relationship. It is time open my heart and manifest the relationship that is right for me.

It is also the time to let go of my anger at my mother. She is who she is and I cannot change her. I don’t want to say she is incapable of learning and /or growing, but at the end of the day it is not my problem. I have to accept her as she is and choose what our relationship looks like. I tried to let her into my life on a limited basis and she chose to break that trust. Maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective: I chose to cut her out of my life because it was the best choice for me, just like John chose to walk away because it was the best choice for him.

December 29, 2017

The end of my marriage still bothers me a lot and the farther away I get and the more able I am to put things into perspective, I realize that it doesn’t bother me that it ended, it bothers me the way it ended and that John treated me with such disrespect. He told the kids before me, he didn’t help move out or settle the house, he expected me to just live there by myself. However, as I told Cam about something else today, when people treat you like crap that is all about them! It shows that he is a totally crappy person with no manners and he is not someone I need in my life.

The very best lesson I learned from my marriage is that I deserve respect and that if someone does not treat me with respect, they are not in my life for long.