Tag: Ten of Wands

Shadow Work–Day 22

At this point, what have I learned about my shadow and relationships?

Warrior Ten tells me that I cannot carry the entire weight of a relationship on my own shoulders.  There is a give and take.  I need to let go of my need to “buy affection” or to do more of my fair share of the work so that people will like me.  I need to hold people accountable in both work and personal settings.  That’s hard for me to do because I am a people pleaser, but other people have to own their actions and have to own their responsibilities in friendships, in family relationships, and in other relationships.  Part of this is choosing to value myself and choosing to say that if I value myself, I cam not going to carry the burden of always being the one to contact people.  If someone values me and considers me their friend, they need to share the burden of connecting.  If someone does not share the burden of connecting, that tells me that I am a friend of convenience and that I don’t really matter to the other person.  And that includes X!  He never reaches out and I’m tired of being the one to maintain our friendship.

Dancer Four tells me that it is not all about me.  I need to get out of my own head and look around me and start forming relationships with people around me.  I do spend a lot of time living in my head, not from a vanity perspective, but from a perspective of being wrapped up in my own world and tuning out what is going on around me.  Cam calls me on that all the time because I am just so wrapped up in my own things that I just don’t pay attention.

The Maker card reiterates what Warrior Ten tells me, I cannot be all things to all people in a relationship.  I have to be comfortable being my own shining star and letting other people be their own shining stars.  I also cannot be all things to all people and I have to accept that.  People who want to use me should not be in my life.  I also have to do a better job of drawing boundaries around time with my family, especially C’s demands.

Shadow Work–Day 7

How important are relationships to my shadow?

Warrior Ten tells me that my shadow likes relationships to feel needed.  My shadow wouldn’t know what to do with itself without someone relying on him.  However, this is a double edged sword as my shadow also feels used by people who “walk all over it.”  My shadow also takes on other people’s burdens as a way of feeling important and needed.  In some ways, my shadow would feel as if it did not have a right to exist if it wasn’t doing for others.  This was the mentality that my mother drilled into my head as a child and it is a hard mindset to break.

The Hermit shows the flip side of my shadows relationship to other people. Once I have reached my fill of other people, I like to retreat and to be by myself with no human interruptions.  I need the room to contemplate and to breathe.  Being around people can be suffocating for me and it can be incredibly overwhelming. 

I had to smile as I saw the warrior king as the warrior king is prancing alone in a field of battle.  He likes his glory and he likes to be the center of attention.  My shadow loves to be the center of attention.  I’ve gotten better about it, but in the past I truly had to feel as if everyone was paying attention to me or I would cease to exist.  I liked to be the center of attention for things I did well, but I was also content being the center of attention as a victim.

A Spell to Release Burdens

Life can be hard sometimes and we often carry around burdens that aren’t ours.  Sometimes we carry worry about our loved ones or the weight of others expectations.  When that happens, we can start to feel like the person in the 10 of wands who is bent over from carrying all the weight of all the wands in the world.  When that happens it might be time for a little tarot magic to help ease your burden. 

Before doing this little spell, find a time when you won’t be disturbed, take the phone off the hook (or put it on silent), tell your family you need some alone time, and find a comfortable place.  It can be your kitchen table, an altar, your desk, or any place that feels comfortable to you.  If you want to set the mood, you can light a candle and some incense, but that’s not necessary to do this spell.  Grab your favorite tarot deck and get comfortable.
Once you’re comfortable, pull the following cards from your deck:
  • The Ten of Wands
  • A court card that represents you
  • The ace corresponding to your court card
Ten of Wands
After you’ve pulled your cards, hold the ten of wands in front of you and step into the person on the card.  Feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, look into the distance and see the town that is so far away. Take some time to think about what you’re carrying on your shoulders.  I realized that all the weight I felt was the weight of everyone else’s expectations:  the weight of my children’s need to be supported, the weight of my mother’s expectations about how I lived my life, the weight of my ex-husband’s thoughts about what I should or should not be doing in my life, the weight of work expectations, etc.  After you’ve identified what you’re carrying around that you’re ready to release, let the wands fall off your back.  Feel yourself releasing the burdens you’re carrying, as they fall off your back, stand up tall and move your shoulders around.  
Now, pick up the court card and imagine yourself embodying this card.  Feel yourself within the card as you take on the confidence of the card.  Look around as if you were seeing the world from the court card’s position.  Feel queenly, feel kingly, feel the strong and bold energy of a knight, or feel the inquisitive energy  of a page.  
Once you feel you are inhabiting the energy of the court card, pick up the ace and envision yourself using the energy of the card to create a bubble around you.  If you are using a wand or sword, you can envision yourself drawing a circle on the ground that encompasses you and becomes an energy sphere.  If  you’re using a pentacle, imagine sprinkling salt around yourself and creating an energy sphere.  For those of you who chose water, imagine a bubble getting bigger until it surrounds you.
Take a few moments to sit within your magic bubble, envisioning it’s walls serving as a boundary between you and the burdens that are no longer yours.  Sit within the peace and calm of your sanctuary and remind yourself that you only have to carry the burdens you choose to pick you and you can choose to put down the burdens that are not yours at any time.
When you’re ready to leave your sacred bubble, open your eyes and re orientate yourself to your ordinary surroundings.  And the next time you are tempted to pick up someone else’s burdens, remind yourself of your sacred bubble.

Ten of Rods

Ten of Rods
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon.  The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak.  It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange.  This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book:  Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance:  Set better boundaries, do not take on other people’s stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today.  Gateway is being their usual moronic selves.  They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces.  However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I’m not responsible for their decisions.  Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, “It’s not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me.  All of this is about them and their bad decision making.  I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy.”

December 23, 2017

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in.  It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior.   They constantly took on insanity that wasn’t theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways.  It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they’re driven by codependency. 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don’t like them, too bad.  I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests.  I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior.  Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away.  It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my