Ten – Cairn by Cairn

Ten of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: My first impressions of Ala are that she is stiff and statue like and is not interacting with her people. She also is very much a goddess of fertility with the prominent breasts and the design painted on her stomach.

Book: Kin and Kind, living and dead are all part of one another, totality of the earth in all its variety and appearances, Goddess of morality and judgement, keeper of customs and laws.

Guidance: Let relationships go as needed, do not seek vengeance, celebrate good fortune, celebrate those whose work you admire, keep and renew your relationship with the earth

Journaling:

This reading hits where I’m at today about the need to let go of people without vengeance. It is about shedding the ties that no longer should be binding us. My tie to John is a big one as he hurt me badly. I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed we were sleeping together and he made an amorous advance. Initially, I responded to him, but then my dream rewound and I asked him if he loved me or if I was just convenient. When he didn’t respond, I knew everything I needed to know. This helped me to realize that our issues were not all about me and that he really does see women as objects.

January 20, 2018

As I read this, I’m realizing that my relationship with the earth also needs to include my relationship with my body. This was an incredibly hard week and I lost my connection to both the earth and myself. I spent most of my week in my head dealing with issues and lost track of the world around me. I didn’t make time to go to the ocean or to ground myself and I’m paying the price. This week may be just as insane, but I need to make time to ground and take care of myself.

Ten of Rods
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon. The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak. It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange. This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book: Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance: Set better boundaries, do not take on other people’s stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today. Gateway is being their usual moronic selves. They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces. However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I’m not responsible for their decisions. Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, “It’s not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me. All of this is about them and their bad decision making. I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy.”

December 23, 2017

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in. It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior. They constantly took on insanity that wasn’t theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways. It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they’re driven by codependency.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don’t like them, too bad. I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests. I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior. Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away. It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my