Swords – Cairn by Cairn

Seven of Air

Seven of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: Ellen does a great job with this card in giving us the sense of the thief as Laverna is turned toward something gesturing while behind her back she holds a bag of money. I didn’t realize it when I first drew this card, but there are seven columns. I love this card and even though I didn’t not consciously look at the card, my very first impressions were ones of a thief and dishonesty.

Book: Succeeding through ill-gotten gains, hiding in the shadows

Guidance: Think outside of the box, think of another way, work for your own best interests, answer may be found in silence.

Journaling:

The message I take from Laverna is to reclaim what is mine. I spend so much time and energy giving and being for others that I neglect myself. I need to make a concentrated effort to reclaim myself. I also have to acknowledge that there are days when it only feels like taking my life back is stealing because other people do not recognize my sovereignty and only see me in relation to what I can do for them. I need to reclaim myself and life my life for me and not for others. That’s easier now than when my kids were little, but it still feels awkward to say no and put my own needs first. It is something I know will continue to be a work in progress.

December 26, 2017

Pulling this card reminds me of the ritual to Laverna that Anna led. I was okay with all the Dark Goddess rituals she led until I got to this one because it was almost as if she took glee in the idea of worshiping someone who was was the patron of thieves. However, over the past few years I’ve had a lot of time to meditate and reflect. I’ve also done the meditation to Laverna from The Dark Goddess Lodge and I’ve come to a different understanding of Laverna and the Seven of Swords in general.

I’ve realized that sometimes it is right and necessary to be a “thief” as sometimes it is about reclaiming your sovereignty and reclaiming what someone stole from you. John stole so much for me and I’m finally starting to reclaim who I am. He pounded me down so hard that I lost so much of myself. I still don’t know why he chose to beat me down physically and emotionally, but I have come back and I’ve reclaimed myself.

I’m also learning that other people consider it selfish or wrong to stand up for myself and take back my time and my resources. It is not wrong to take back what is yours. In fact it is good and noble to take yourself back to a time of wholeness.

Messages from the Tarot: She who Watches

She who watches came to me last night in the form of the nine of air from the Gaian Tarot. I’ve endured a long month of depression starting on my birthday, November 6th, and continuing through my NameDay (i.e. the anniversary of the day I legally changed my name).

It’s always a time of darkness as memories of my estranged mother, my departed father (died November 28, 2008), my now ex’s heart attack (December 6, 2009), and my imploded marriage (Married November 19, 1988) haunt my body and soul. In years passed, I’ve berated myself for letting what were just days on the calendar affect my well being, but this year I’ve leaned into the pain. I’ve acknowledged the grief and sorrow these events have brought and I’ve chosen to cocoon myself and grieve.

The darkness was deeper than I’d anticipated and there were days when all I wanted to do was to cry. However, I got up each morning and did what needed to be done and reminded myself that I’ve been through dark times before and they had passed. I made myself pull my daily tarot card even though there were days when even that felt like too much effort.

The worst part of the darkness was feeling disconnected and as if my beloved goddesses had abandoned me. I cried out for strength, for compassion, for love, and it felt as if I was met with silence each time I cried out in pain. All my normal ways of connecting were not working.

Finally, yesterday, I woke and it felt as if the clouds were breaking and maybe, just maybe, things really would be okay. I reminded myself that on December 7, 2011 I had chosen to legally change my name to Raine (Queen) Clara (Saint) Shakti (Goddess) and that maybe I did have the strength and courage to pull out of this tailspin.

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Last night the guidance finally came to me. I was laying in bed thinking about my pain and imagining a bleak future, which naturally lead me to think about the nine of swords. However, the nine of swords was replaced with the nine of air from Joanna Powell Colbert’s Gaian tarot and as I imagined myself the woman in the image, I heard She Who Watches tell me to just let go. To let go of the pole I was holding on to, to let go of the pain I was holding, to let go of the nightmares.

Letting go was hard, but as I let go, I found myself flying over the Seeker’s Valley. I was flying and seeing my life from the vantage point of an eagle rising above the strife and pain. I was free from all of it. As I flew, the valley became more colorful and psychedelic and I realized that I had to change my perception and let go of viewing the world as painful and ordinary. I was also shown that all the twists and turns I’d gone through in my life were leading me somewhere and that I was being taken care of and held.

She Who Watches said she was always there for me and was watching and protecting me. She also reminded me that I had the strength to persevere.

Hag of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

I awoke this morning feeling more calm and hopeful than I’ve felt in the last month and when I logged on to Facebook, what did I see? Someone had posted the Hag of Earth (She Who Watches) from Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s Dark Goddess Tarot. And I felt loved and I knew my beloved Goddesses were still with me.

I’ve pulled both She Who Watches images from their respective tarot decks and they are sitting on my altar to remind me that she is always with me.

Update: December 21, 2017

I was cleaning my meditation room and a deck of tarot cards spilled. The card that jumped out was the Five of Discs which was a beautiful image of She Who Watches from the Triumph of Life Tarot deck.

Daily Draw: Seven of Swords

First Impressions: Being sneaky

Book: Actions have consequences

Guidance: Review your plan and reconsider if it seems fool hardy

Journaling

I’m not sure that I agree that the actions of this gentleman were foolhardy. Sometimes we have to take bold actions and break the rules. I think this card is also a reminder that there are consequences, but that sometimes the consequences are worth it.

November 20, 2017
There are consequences, but sometimes the sneaky acts that are seen as deceptive are worth it. How do we know that he the people he is “stealing” from, did not take something from him first.

October 26, 2018

My understanding of this card has continued to evolve and I still view it as taking back something that was taken from us. There are times in life when we have to reclaim what is ours and there are times when we cannot make a full frontal attack, but we need to be sneaking and deceptive because the person holding it does not want to give it back to us.

Inequality in the Sixes

I woke up this week and realized I’ve lived my entire life as a six. Before the self love crowd starts getting on me about denigrating my appearance, let me clear I’m not talking about how I look, I’m talking about tarot cards. As I get more and more familiar with tarot, I’m learning to really pick out patterns and apply them to my own life. It also helps when the cards smack us upside the head with something again and again. For me, pulling the sixes over and over again has helped me realize all the ways I’ve fostered inequality in my life.

Financial Inequality

Druidcraft Six of Pentacles

The six of pentacles is about financial inequality. The first six of pentacles card I saw was the six of pentacles from the Druidcraft deck and I hated the card because to me it was all about people asking more from a poor old man than he had to give. I shuttered every time I pulled that card because it reminded me of all the times I’d been asked to give more than I had. As I studied (and acquired) more and more decks, I realized that most decks showed a more affluent person giving money to others and not a beggar being asked to give up his last dime.

Although the traditional image was less disturbing for me than the Druidcraft deck, it still represented financial inequality as someone with a lot of money was giving to someone with less money. I thought about the very few times in my life I’d been receiving from others and about how difficult it was to ask for a handout and admit I couldn’t make my own way.

Hansen Roberts Six of Pentacles

I also thought about the many more times I had been on the giving side of the equation. Being on the giving side of the equation brings with it its own set of issues. As a parent, we have all of the money and it is our job to give it to our children as needed. However, I know from my personal experience there’s been a lot of times where I’ve fallen back on the “we can’t afford it” line instead of being honest with my kids and saying we could afford it, but I don’t think it is the best way to spend our money. An unfortunate result of the “we can’t afford it” line is that my children have developed poverty consciousness and think we can’t afford anything. I’m working hard to change that by being honest about when we really can’t afford something and when it is not the best use of our money.

Unfortunately, we live in six of pentacles society where money is a measuring stick and people who can bring in more money are rewarded more than others even though a person making less money may be making the bigger contribution to society. Executives are paid more than teachers even though teachers make a far more valuable contribution to society.

I fell into the money as a measuring stick mind set during my marriage as I made significantly more than my now ex-husband and toward the end of our marriage money became a weapon of control. My feelings were since I made the money I got to choose where to spend it. I chose not to look at the other contributions he made and based it solely on who made the most. One of the lessons I learned from my marriage is that money is not the only measuring stick and that I need to look at people more holistically.

Emotional Inequality

RWS Six of Cups

When taken at face value, the six of cups is a charming card with an older child giving a smaller child a cup of flowers. The card seems to be about nostalgia, about having a big brother to take care of you, and about a happy childhood or, as one site says, the card is about simple goodness. And all of those things are true, but there is a darker side to the six of cups.

I did a spread where I asked what I had learned about love from various couples and for one couple the six of cups came up. Looking at the textbook definition of goodness and happiness, I was confused as I’d know that this couple had a miserable marriage where she made the money and he took advantage of her. I had an ah ha moment where I realized that the six of cups could also be about emotional inequality with one person being more invested in the relationship than the other or about one person taking advantage of the other person.

I gained an even deeper understanding of this card when I kept pulling it when asking about my relationship with a certain someone. At first, I viewed it as a happy card, but when I started to compare it to the two of cups which shows two people sharing a cup; I realized that when it came to adult relationships, this card was either about one person being rescued by another or one person taking advantage of another. When I truly reflected upon my relationship with this person, I realized it was both. My friend is a guy who likes to rescue damsels in distress and a lot of our relationship was built on that inequality. On the flip side, I know that he likes to rescue damsels in distress so if I was feeling a little sad or lonely, I’d be the damsel in distress and he’d rush to my rescue.

Those realizations made me really think about the type of relationships I want in my life and even more fundamentally about who I wanted to be in my own life. I realized that I don’t want to be a damsel in distress. I want to be an equal so I want a two of cups relationship and not a six of cups relationship.

Status Inequality

The six of wands and the six of swords represent the two sides of the status inequality coin: the six of wands shows the exalted hero riding in to the cheers of his adoring fans and the six of swords shows the gondolier as servant being ignored by his passengers. As I reflected on these cards, I realized I’m more comfortable in either of these roles than in a role as an equal.

Six of Wands

My roles as consultant, teacher, and leader reflect the six of wands as I love to stand at the front of the room and lecture and give advice. It’s not only the praise and adoration I love, it is the disconnection. I don’t have to engage in real conversation with people and let them in. As I look back over my life, I realize I’m really comfortable in the roles of organizing and teaching because they give a purpose to my interactions. When I’m teaching, I’m talking on a specific topic and even if I don’t have a prepared speech, I know the material well enough that I can speak convincingly. I’m also passionate enough about what I do that my lectures appear to be heartfelt, but they’re really not because it’s difficult for me to truly let people in and engage in a heartfelt conversation. Being above the crowd insulates me from other people’s messy feelings and emotions.

Six of Swords

If being a six of wands lets me be above the fray, slipping into the six of swords persona lets me fly below the radar. As long as I do my job and meet my obligations, I don’t have to engage with people on a personal level. I take their orders and don’t let them in to see the real me. I’ve been working as a consultant for the past six years and that’s the perfect job for an introvert who doesn’t let people in because everyone knows the day I walk in the door that the gig is temporary. I’ll be there for six months or so and then I’ll move on. There is no point to getting close to people because I’ll be gone soon.

A Lonely Way to Live

Living as six is a very lonely way to live because there aren’t true heartfelt connections of equals. Everything is about dominating or being dominated and at the end of the day it is about fear. Fear of not being good enough and fear of letting people in. So my challenge is to dig deep within myself to find the courage to let people in so I can be a two of cups instead of a six.

King of Swords

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment. He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land. I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak. He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle. The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was. It doesn’t mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother. I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before. I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me. There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself. However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her. That’s something she has to want and to work for herself. However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

Child of Air (Reversed)

Child of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card has such a sense of innocence about it as the girl is surrounded by butterflies as she stands in the clouds. One of the things I did not notice until just now is that the butterflies are in the shape of an S. As I drew this card reversed, it tells me that I am tuned out.

Book: Afraid to explore new ideas or make changes because of critical voices, banish negative thoughts

Journaling

Not being attuned to the messages around me. Not being in communication with the universe. Since this card is reversed, it could also symbolize the heavy weight of grief weighing me down again. There are days I feel as if I am just mired in grief.

This is another card that is telling me that I need to heal and move on, but the question is how do I heal and move on as I have done so much healing work. However, I feel this is the final push through the grief and letting go. I need to make one last push to let go of it all.

December 29, 2017

Wow! This was profound as I really feel as if Tarot has been the final spiritual practice that has pushed me to grow and let go of all the garbage. What Tarot does for me is that it engages both my intuition and my logic. Reading the meanings is about logic, but because the readings engage my brain, they free up my intuition to make their own connections. I also think that actually having a daily practice where I’ve committed to pulling a card and journaling every single day helps. I know that I will put myself out there day after day.

I’ve also come to accept that there are always going to be days where I feel stuck, sad, grief-stricken, etc. However, I can choose to acknowledge those feelings and use logic if they aren’t rooted in logic to help me move past those feelings. I also need to make up my decisions with real world actions and I’ve been starting to do that more and more. I really really wanted to go to Chicago for my birthday, but I knew that would mean meeting X for lunch and having a reading and those things would have drug me right back into my obsession. Deliberately choosing not to go to Chicago meant I got to keep my distance. Although, I still miss the food as Mexican food really sucks in the CLE.