Shadow Work – Cairn by Cairn

Shadow Work–Day 28

The departing message from my shadow is…

Dreamer Princess gives me the gift of telling and of sharing what I know with others. She also is telling me that I do not need to be attached to whether or not they receive my message. All I need to do is speak from the heart. There is also a warning that I need to be straightforward with people and not use my gifts to manipulate.

Maker Four tells me to hold on to what is mine, but is also a precaution against being greedy. I need to build my own stability, but also find a way to let others in and contribute to the greater world.

Dancer Queen tells me to find and dance my own truth. I need to let go of all the bullshit in my life, including the lies I was told as a child about my own worth. I am brilliant, beautiful, and amazing and I am worthy of having friends and a lover. Unlike the messages that I continually got told as a child, my life is about more than other people. My life is my own and I get to choose who shares it and what I do for other people.

Shadow Work Day 27

What is the main thing I have learned about myself and relationships?

The Sun tells me that I am perfect just the way I am and that it is my right to bask in the warmth of the sun, of the love of people in my life, and in the love of the gods. I am part of a larger community and I am perfect just the way I am no matter how imperfect that may seem. The Sun is also telling me that it is time to leave behind all the things that are keeping me from enjoying my life and that it is time to step forward into freedom.

Dancer Prince tells me that passion is my birth right. I deserve love and passion in my life. However, he also cautions me against losing myself in passion and going over to the dark side. I need to keep my perspective in all things.

Warrior Three tells me that I am not alone. I am surrounded by people who are ready to step forward and help me, if only I ask for help. I do not have to go it alone, but can be part of a team moving forward in life and love. From a romantic perspective, this card tells me that I need to tell the gods what I want and be sincere in asking for it.

Shadow Work–Day 26

Going forward what does my attitude on relationships need to be?

Maker Ten tells me that I create my own stability and that I need to own that. If I have a poverty consciousness around relationships or finances, then that is what I will create. Just as I have created wealth around material things, I can also choose to create wealth around relationships by having an open heart and being loving. One of the key things about creating emotional wealth is knowing that I am worthy of having friends and relationships. I am not some hideous monster to be hidden in the corner, which is what I sometimes thing. I deserve love and friendship.

Dreamer Six is about taking a journey and choosing what to take with me and what to leave behind. I can choose to drag around all the drama from my childhood or I can choose to learn the lessons from my childhood and take those lessons with me and leave behind the pain and the bullshit. There is nothing to be served by dragging the pain and drama with me.

Dancer Nine tells me that my relationships and my life will be what I dream into being. I can choose to hide under the covers in fear or I can choose to dream a beautiful and amazing life for myself. This card is also about opening my heart and inviting people in.

The bottom line from this reading is that I can choose what my relationships look like.

Shadow Work–Day 25

What am I settling for in my relationships?

Warrior Three is about waiting and watching. For me, it represents sitting on the sidelines while other people are in center stage. This card is also about teamwork and being part of a larger group. I don’t want to be part of a larger group. I want to be someone’s one and only and not part of a group of friends.

Maker King in this position is about being my own king and being responsible for myself. I enjoy being independent and taking care of myself, but sometimes it gets lonely to be the one that is always responsible for taking care of things.

Death is an interesting card to come up in this position and I’m not sure what it tells me about what I am settling for in relationships. What it may tell me is that I am holding on to things that I should let go of because they are no longer serving my needs. Sometimes in order to move on, we need to let go of things that are holding me back. I’m wondering if this card is telling me that I need to let go of my infatuation with someone and cut that cord so that I can have a deeper and more real relationship. This card is also about shedding and one of my words for this year is shedding as in getting rid of things that no longer serve me. This card seems to be telling me it truly is time to shed those relationships.

Shadow Work — Day 24

What am I looking for in my relationships?

Maker Five tells me I want full transparency and honesty in a relationship. I do not want someone who is hiding anything. I also want someone who is capable of asking for help and doesn’t use passive aggressive tactics to manipulate me. I want someone capable of having an honest conversation about who they are, what they want from a relationship, etc.

Dreamer Two is all about making decisions. I want someone who knows what they want and goes after it. I don’t want someone who is purely a dreamer who thinks up great schemes, but never does the hard work required to make things happen. John had great ideas, but he never had the grit and the gumption to bring them to fruition. I need someone with grit and gumption who will actually follow through.

Maker Two echoes that theme in telling me I want someone who takes responsibility for their life. Who is capable of owning their mistakes and who doesn’t constantly blame others for their sorry state in life.

All of these cards are telling me that I want a grownup and not a little boy.

Shadow Work — Day 23

At this point, what am I refusing to accept about my shadow and my relationships?

Dancer Six tells me that I cannot be the center of the universe at all times. Other people have their own things going on and I can’t expect everyone to constantly drop everything to take care of my emotional needs. If everything is constantly drama, than no one will be there for me when i really need people to support me. This card also tells me that I need to let go of the crappy messages that I learned in my childhood. Those messages are not supporting me and are not helping me to grow as a person.

The Tower tells me that I am refusing to accept that people will like me for who I am without the mask on. I love this version of the Tower because it shows a mask being blown away which tells me it is about the fakeness and the illusions being blown away. I always feel like I have to be someone else in order for people to like me. I have to do something for them, I have to buy them something, etc. This card is telling me that I don’t need any of that. I just need to be myself, but I can’t accept that.

Temperance is telling me once again that I need to open my heart. The heart on the fairy figure is clearly open and the man below is also opening himself up. Opening my heart is life and love will bring me all that I desire in relationships, but I refuse to accept this. I continue to look for ways where I can have an amazing relationship without opening my heart, but Temperance is telling me that will not happen.

Shadow Work–Day 22

At this point, what have I learned about my shadow and relationships?

Warrior Ten tells me that I cannot carry the entire weight of a relationship on my own shoulders. There is a give and take. I need to let go of my need to “buy affection” or to do more of my fair share of the work so that people will like me. I need to hold people accountable in both work and personal settings. That’s hard for me to do because I am a people pleaser, but other people have to own their actions and have to own their responsibilities in friendships, in family relationships, and in other relationships. Part of this is choosing to value myself and choosing to say that if I value myself, I cam not going to carry the burden of always being the one to contact people. If someone values me and considers me their friend, they need to share the burden of connecting. If someone does not share the burden of connecting, that tells me that I am a friend of convenience and that I don’t really matter to the other person. And that includes X! He never reaches out and I’m tired of being the one to maintain our friendship.

Dancer Four tells me that it is not all about me. I need to get out of my own head and look around me and start forming relationships with people around me. I do spend a lot of time living in my head, not from a vanity perspective, but from a perspective of being wrapped up in my own world and tuning out what is going on around me. Cam calls me on that all the time because I am just so wrapped up in my own things that I just don’t pay attention.

The Maker card reiterates what Warrior Ten tells me, I cannot be all things to all people in a relationship. I have to be comfortable being my own shining star and letting other people be their own shining stars. I also cannot be all things to all people and I have to accept that. People who want to use me should not be in my life. I also have to do a better job of drawing boundaries around time with my family, especially C’s demands.

Shadow Work–Day 21

What part of my shadow makes me feel insecure about relationships?

Maker Six (six of pentacles) is a card about generosity and being able to both give and receive. However, the six of pentacles in the Druid Craft tarot, which was the first deck I ever read with, told a tale of an old man being asked to give more than he was able to. I’ve been working to view the six of pentacles in a more positive light, but it is hard to overcome first impressions. For me the Six of Pentacles tells me that I am afraid of getting into relationships where I will be asked to give too much. I spent 22 years with someone who took all I had to give and demanded more and I am really fearful of getting into that type of relationship again

In my role as Maker Queen, I am very open to the energy of those around me for healing and other purposes. What I’ve found is that if I engage with and try to help people who have less than positive energy it drains me and leaves me feeling depleted. The gift of healing is a tremendous asset, but without proper shielding it can also leave me feeling energetically drained.

The Magician always makes me feel insecure about relationships because I am really good at manifesting stuff, but I have not been able to manifest the loving relationship that I want in my life. It makes me wonder if I am being punished for something I did in a past life or if the person who is right for me is not available, or why I haven’t manifested the relationship I dream of.

Shadow Work-Day 20

What pare of my shadow do I need to use less?

Warrior Two is the card of power awakening and although power awakening is a a really good thing, it can also be a little overwhelming. I now that I can overwhelm people sometimes with my attitudes, my thoughts, and my power and while I will never choose to be less than again as I was with my ex, I will choose to listen more and talk less. I’m learning that sometimes raw power needs to be moderated and dialed back to enable and support people versus overwhelming them.

Warrior Two gives me the gift of courage and helps me to jump into the middle of new situations and make my way to the other side. However, courage is something else that can be scary for other people especially if I set the expectation that I think they are a wuss if they do not have the same level of courage that I do. This is something else I need to moderate and practice holding people’s hands and guiding them versus pushing them off a cliff.

The Hermit tells me that I love to retreat into myself and shut people out. That is intimidating for people and people often take it personally. In reality, it is not meant personally it is just me needing my personal space and doing what I can to protect and care for myself. One of the things I can do to take care of myself better and not put up the huge shields is make sure I take care of myself all along and not let myself get so run down that the only way I can recover is to isolate myself.

This was an incredibly powerful reading and although it is a great reminder that I am a very strong and fierce person, it is also a reminder that sometimes there is strength in dialing back our capabilities.

Shadow Work–Day 19

What part of my shadow do I need to use more?

Maker Four tells me I need to learn to say no to obligations, etc. that are not in my best interest. I shouldn’t say yes to things that mean I end up spending the entire weekend working with no down time. I need to learn to set better boundaries. It also means I need to stop using work to escape into and as an excuse to not meet people.

Dreamer Three tells me that I need to feel the heartbreak and let it go. I need to accept the cleansing relief that letting go of the pain can bring. I need to lean into the pain instead of running away from it.

Dreamer Queen tells me to think things through and to use my logic and not just my heart. Dreamer Queen is a stalker card as she has shown up multiple times.

Up until now my readings for this work have been spot on and have made a lot of sense. I struggled with this reading as the cards did not seem to make sense for the question. I’m going to continue to pray and meditate on it and the cards may make more sense later.