queen of cups – Cairn by Cairn

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Cups

First Impressions: Peace, calm, awareness

Book: Draws from the deepest love, love to give, offering love unconditionally, offers sound guidance without judgement, learned to blend imagination with action

Guidance: Enter your own landscape and enter the deep and paradoxical landscape of feeling

Journaling

My loving kindness meditations have helped me to feel deeply and to let go of the anger. They’ve also helped me to learn to love unconditionally and without expecting anything in return. I feel at such peace when I am in that place of unconditional love. However, I’m struggling to live int he real world and to live in that place of unconditional love. It seems that the world just pulls me into a world that I don’t want to live in. I don’t want to live in a place where I have to leave the ones I love to make a living. I also don’t want to live in a life where it is about money and not about living my best self.

I don’t know how to get to that place where I can live from my heart and not my head. I generally make decisions based on financial reasons and then I end up feeling trapped. What my heart wants is not financially lucrative, but I don’t know how to get from here to there. I want to make a difference in individual’s lives, but i want to be well compensated for it and unfortunately jobs working with people often do not make a lot of money.

I think I just have to continue putting it out there that I want to live form my heart, but I need to make sure my needs are met.

Shadow Work–Day 28

The departing message from my shadow is…

Dreamer Princess gives me the gift of telling and of sharing what I know with others. She also is telling me that I do not need to be attached to whether or not they receive my message. All I need to do is speak from the heart. There is also a warning that I need to be straightforward with people and not use my gifts to manipulate.

Maker Four tells me to hold on to what is mine, but is also a precaution against being greedy. I need to build my own stability, but also find a way to let others in and contribute to the greater world.

Dancer Queen tells me to find and dance my own truth. I need to let go of all the bullshit in my life, including the lies I was told as a child about my own worth. I am brilliant, beautiful, and amazing and I am worthy of having friends and a lover. Unlike the messages that I continually got told as a child, my life is about more than other people. My life is my own and I get to choose who shares it and what I do for other people.

Daily Draw: Queen of Cups

First Impressions: Emotional fulfillment, happiness

Book: Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective

Guidance: Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them

Journaling

I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them. I’m learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I’m feeling. I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I’m able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them. I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.

May 25, 2018

I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely. Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having “negative” emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself. That’s not to say it isn’t easy or that there are not days when I don’t still beat myself up, but mostly I’m able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself. I’m realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.