letting go – Cairn by Cairn

Nine of Swords

April 29, 2020

This was an interesting card combination as I pulled it as I was thinking about how sad I was to be leaving my job and moving on and about how afraid I was that I wouldn’t do well at my new company. I literally had those thoughts, then pulled the cards. What I loved about these cards is they matched what I was feeling, but gave me a very hopeful and thoughtful message. The Nine of Swords from The LightSeer’s tarot is all about nightmares and perceiving things are a disaster when they really aren’t. This card is a reminder to set worry off to one side and focus on the positive. One of the things that I remind myself of when I’m feeling like no one will like me or I don’t know what to do, etc. is to remind myself that my new boss and my new team has an incentive to want me to succeed. They want me to do well so that they do well. They would not have hired me if they thought I was going to fail because that is way too much work for them. Everyone wants me to succeed and they are going to be rooting me the whole time. I have to remind myself of that when I start to beat myself up and think poorly of myself. I also have to remind myself that it will take a while to settle in at Nestle and that that’s okay.

Once I’ve looked at things and faced reality, the Loss card from the Journey Oracle reminds me that it really is okay to let myself grieve and let myself be sad and grieve if there is really a loss to be grieving. All the work I’ve done on grief and loss this year reminds me that it really is okay to let myself feel what I need to feel. I don’t have to be superwoman.

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September 30, 2019

Note: The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I’m pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet. I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I’m working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question: What is the new world that is being revealed?

First Impressions: Fears, light, not being able to sleep

Book: Worries are not real

Dark Goddess Book: Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth

Guidance: Time will bring clarity

Dark Goddess Guidance: Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly

Journaling

I’m realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life. Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back. My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me. However, I’m realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me. I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person. It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve. That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am. Even though I’ve grown tremendously in the last few years, I’m realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me. However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving. It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.

Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family. It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off. It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are. That’s a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn’t so and that hopes I’m wrong, but I’m not wrong and that is really who she is. I don’t need that in my life anymore.

The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful that Sean got home safely

I’m grateful for bundt cakes with the fam

I’m grateful that I got to Minster safely

I’m grateful for the awesome drive with the top down

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September 24, 2019

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Nightmare, being kept up at nights

Book: Truth will come with morning

Guidance: Most of our fears are illusions. Time will bring clarity

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult. Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn’t even happen. I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis. Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home. That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition.

One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly. Most of the things that I worry about don’t end up happening. And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway. And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that’s okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world. Most of them are things that don’t even matter. I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.

One of the reasons that I’m so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job. I’m tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life. It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc. However, if that is the message that I’m putting out there, it’s no wonder that I’m miserable. I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don’t have. Once Cam’s trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the good sessions

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather out

I’m grateful for watching NCIS

I’m grateful that I’m employed

I’m grateful that I have peace and quiet

I’m grateful for making decisions that are in my best interests

I’m grateful that Cam is okay

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July 7, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Nightmares

Book: Nightmares, confronting our deepest fears, terrifying visions, anxiety,

Guidance: Look to your intuition for guidance

Journaling

I’ve been binge watching Anthony Bourdain lately and it has me thinking about nightmares and those thoughts that wake you in the middle of the night and convince you that you can’t go on. I’ve had my share of dark nights of the soul and there have been a lot of times that I am convinced that I can’t wake up one more morning and go about my pathetic little life. I’ve convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but since I’ve ended up in the hospital for those thoughts and have endured the worst of the worst, I’ve realized that life does go on and in most cases it does get better. I hold Anthony Bourdain close because he is a reminder that what people see is not always what’s real. People who may appear to the outside world as if they have it all together often don’t. They are often struggling and hurting inside and no one knows what’s going on inside their souls.

Souls can be scary places to navigate and it is often in the deepest darkest recesses of our souls that we encounter shame, guilt, and self-hatred. There are monsters in our souls and they often originated outside of ourselves in the voices of people who told us that we couldn’t do something, or that we weren’t good enough, or that we were bad, or a million other lies. If we are told such lies often enough, we begin to believe them. Those lies seep into our soul and mingle with our own traces of self doubt until they are stronger than we would like and they whisper to us in the dark of the night that we’re not worthy, that the world would be a better place without us. It doesn’t matter how smart we are, how strong we are, how competent we are as those voices in the night can convince us we are nothing.

The voices often show up during the day as well, but it is easier to ignore them in the light. It is easier to surround ourselves with people who can boost our ego and remind us that we are okay. It is easier to tally up our accomplishments and realize we matter. The sunlight shines bright light into the corners and chases away the boogeyman. However, if we don’t do the hard work of therapy and self discovery, we may not be able to drive the shadows out of our soul.

RIP Anthony Bourdain

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April 9, 2018

Deck: RWS

First Impressions: Nightmares, anxiety

Book: Despair, sorrow, nightmares, grief, death

Guidance: Prepare for the worst situation, could not have been avoided, are things as bad as they appear?

Journaling

I always view this card as a reminder that nightmares happen. It does not mean that they are reality. I need to let go of my fears and worries and focus more on what I can control. I can’t control what Darshan does, I can’t control what Gadino does. The only person I have agency over is me. I spend so much time worrying about what other people do and say when in reality there is nothing I can do to control others.

December 29, 2018

I needed this reminder today. I am all swirly over John when in reality there is nothing I can do. He is no longer my problem. His health is no longer my problem. His financial issues are no longer my problem. Absolutely nothing that he does is my problem and I need to let go and let whatever happens happens.

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November 21, 2017

Deck: Gilded tarot

First Impressions: Nightmares

Book: Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems

Guidance: Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

I need to hear this reading about asking for help. I don’t do such a god job of asking for help. I tend to hold things in and not let other people in. The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken. The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it. I spewed because this pain was horrible. However, as I’ve healed, I’ve receded into myself. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I’m not a recluse and it is not as if I’ve been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out. I go out and I interact, but I’m standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.

November 25, 2017

I need to make some time for me. I am so caught in in Cam that I’m not taking care of me. I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess’ hand. I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight. If I don’t make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful. I also need to let go and trust.

November 9, 2018

It’s so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again. I need to start trusting people and letting them in. I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in. This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people. I’m really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.

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November 8, 2017

Deck; Gilded tarot

First Impressions: Nightmares

Book: Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance: Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people. I reached out to the UU’s stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me. Not one of the people reached out to say, “Hope your daughter is okay.” Instead they just harassed me and were rude. Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way. What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt? I would have said I’m sorry and asked what I could do. However, not one of those bitches did that. I don’t want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it. It isn’t that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I’m getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true. My daughter was abducted and assaulted. There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead. Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.

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December 12, 2017

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck: Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds. When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that’s what this card makes me think of. In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her. This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book: If you would known, do not fear to see. Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries. She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance: Do not give fears a priority when making a decision. Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today. Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the “I’m fired” path. That makes no sense at all because I’ve been billable and we’re gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went. I’m learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do. I’m so mean to myself even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am. I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

Stop what I’m doing and breathe
Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
Roll with the situation and see what comes of it

December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that’s something easy I can remember. I’ve come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I’m not there yet. The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I’ve felt. Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can’t react or I won’t have a job. It’s one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I’m no longer in an abusive relationship. It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault. I’m learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way. It is all a process and the best thing is that I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

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April 24, 2016

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Deck: Gaian tarot

Journaling:

The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving. As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion. There is a deep grief at the core of my being: grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.

This card is about all that binds me to the past. It is also about trusting that she will take care of me. It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams. That’s hard for me as I’m scared of being alone and I feel my life isn’t valuable if I’m alone. However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don’t let people in. Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm’s length then to let them in. I guess I just have to trust the goddess.

December 24, 2017

This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns. She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn’t cling to.

Forgiveness in the Fours

I’ve been working on forgiving my abusive ex since the day he walked out the door seven years ago. I was holding on to anger over his using me, abusing me, and then throwing me away. Like many abused women, I stayed because I didn’t know how to survive without him. However, unlike many abused women I was perfectly capable of supporting myself. I stayed because I’d been brought up to believe a woman was nothing without a man. While praying and choosing to forgive were the actions, it was a journey through the fours that helped me to truly find the path to peace and forgiveness.

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It seemed odd to me that it would be the fours that would take me on my journey of forgiveness because they are the cards of stability, of resting, of practicality, of achievement, and of humility. As I meditated on how the fours relate to forgiveness, the words practicality and humility were flashing at me in neon letters and I realized that forgiving is the practical action because forgiving frees my heart from the anger and resentment I’ve been lugging around and lets me move on and be happy.

Humility is the state of being humble and without pride, which for me means accepting that it’s not all about me. Over the last week, I’d gone on an emotional road trip through my past inspired by the Page of Cups and I realized that so many of the things I was holding on to had affected me, but really weren’t about me. My married best friend choosing to spend less time with me was about choosing to put his family first, my ex-husband’s abuse and choosing to leave after 22 years of marriage was about his emotional issues and wasn’t about me at all. My mother raising me the way she did was about her skill set as a parent and not about me at all. None of these things that were weighing me down were not really my baggage to carry.

Once I’d accepted the practicality of forgiving and gotten off my high horse (six of wands if anyone is keeping score), I turned to the tarot to help plot my course to forgiveness and it was the fours that provided the roadmap.

Death (XIII=4)

The Death card is all about change and when it started showing up in my readings, I knew that I had to embrace change and be willing to move on, which would require forgiving and letting go of the past. That wasn’t something I really wanted to do because there was a part of me that really wanted my ex to pay for what he’d done.

As I delved deeper into Death, I realized that I had known the relationship was over (dead) long before he walked out the door, but I had been holding on to something that wasn’t healthy for me. As I was reading the meanings of the death card, a line from Psychic-Revelation struck me, “Not all relationships are fixable. Don’t beat your head against a wall for very long. You’ll know when it’s “long enough.” I had to smile as I recognized my own behavior.

As I got mired in the anger, resentment, and self-blame, Death Reversed began making appearances in my readings telling me that I was reluctant to change and that to heal I had to let go of things I knew were not healthy for me.

Four of Pentacles

Death was not the only card showing up to tell me I wasn’t accepting change. Over and over again in readings related to emotional health and growth I pulled the Four of Pentacles. As the greedy little miser looked out at me from multiple decks, I felt the anger and resentment course through my veins as I was hoarding these emotions and refusing to let go. All of those negative emotions were being hoarded in my body and were slowly strangling me.

The cards often have a sense of humor and when I asked how to heal emotionally, the four of pentacles reversed showed up to tell me that in order to heal I had to release all the anger, resentment, and negativity. In short, I had to forgive.

Four of Swords

The Four of Swords is about taking a break and letting your soul heal. When the four of swords turned up, I knew I needed to step back and quit fighting life so hard. I had to stop trying to control the world and I had to let go. I could no longer hold on to all the anger (swords) I was carrying in my heart. I had to take a break from the pain I was carrying.

For someone who has carried a lot of pain around for a lot of years, taking a break from the pain was really difficult. The Four of Swords was telling me to just STOP. Stop being angry, stop being resentful, stop driving yourself crazy thinking about where he was, what he was doing, and why did he get to be happy when I wasn’t. I started by consciously redirecting my thoughts every time I thought about him, every time I started to get jealous and ask why he had love and I didn’t, and every time I was angry about him not helping support the kids. Redirecting your thoughts is often not an easy process and there were days I had to stop, breathe, and redirect multiple times, but eventually I stopped obsessing.

Four of Cups

The Four of Cups served as a reminder that I was choosing to live in poverty consciousness. I was so concerned about what other people had “done to me” that I wasn’t accepting the wonders and blessings that were right in front of my face. Instead of focusing on the fact that I have people who love me, I have a beautiful house, I’m healthy, and all of those blessings, I was wasting my life in anger and resentment over something that was never going to change.

The universe was literally holding out a cup of wonderful stuff and I was saying no because I was focused on the past. The realization that I was choosing to live in poverty consciousness was a cold wet slap in the face as pulling this card made me realize that I was deliberately choosing to be a victim.

Emperor (IV)

The role of victim is not one I’ve ever aspired to and when I asked the cards how to get out of the victim role and move on, the Emperor started showing up. At first, I wasn’t exactly sure what the Emperor was trying to tell me because I’ve relate the emperor to a male authority figure. However, a little bit of reading soon revealed that the Emperor was telling me to take control of my own life. I could choose to be a victim or I could choose to move on and let go. The Emperor is all about structure and rules and one of his specialties is making order out of chaos.

The chaos in this case was my unruly ego telling me that in order for me to forgive people, they had to grovel and be worthy of my forgiveness. As long as I was caught up in believing that, I would stay mired in misery and pain. I had to make a conscious decision to choose the logical choice of forgiving over my heart’s choice of resentment.

Four of Wands

Following the twisting and winding path of the fours has led me to the happy and harmonious Four of Wands. As Biddy Tarot says, “This card indicates a sense of harmony and balance as well as completion, and thus symbolises a time of peace and joy in life that come as the result of often difficult and challenging effort. The Four of Wands is one of the most positive cards in the Tarot deck and indicates general good fortune, satisfaction, and fulfillment.”

I feel after all the heartache and pain of the last few years, I have finally found the serenity and peace that true forgiveness offers thanks to the help of the Fours.

January 17, 2022 Revisit

I reread this today as I was contemplating the four of swords, more about that in another post, and I realized that even though I still have moments where I am angry about things that happened a long time ago, I’ve mostly forgiven and moved on with my life. I think this tells me that forgiveness is sometimes like grief, there is no magical cure for it and that it ebbs and flows based on what is going on in life. There can be times when I don’t care about the people who have harmed me and other times when their names give me a visceral response. And that’s okay, I am entitled to my emotions and as long as they are not negatively impacting my life, it’s okay.