king of swords

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Swords

First Impressions: Cold logic, choosing logic over intuition

Book: Born statesman, keen intellect, brilliant strategist, just but not merciful, despises everything that sounds emotional, can get wrapped up in his power

Guidance: Act with authority, do not allow your head to overrule your heart

Journaling

My immediate thought on choosing this card is that logic is a cold place to live and that living only in logic leaves us in a voice devoid of love, romance, and all the amazing things that life has to offer. However, in order to live in a life of beauty, wonder, and intuition we have to open our hearts to trust our intuition, ourselves, and other people and I am struggling to trust right now. My bosses at work have made a decision that I don’t believe is in my best interest and I’ve conveyed my concerns and people I trust will advocate for me, but that means I have to rely on others to essentially fight my battles for me and that is a difficult position to be in.

However, as I look at this card, I realize that I spend a lot of time living in the land of the king of swords as I choose to look at things through a veil of a warped type of logic and not operate from a position of trust. This is a cold way to live, but I am terrified to trust my life to others. I’m terrified to trust that others actually have my best interests at heart. It also seems like no one can every prove enough that they have my best interest at heart. One of the things I am realizing as I go through this situation is that not only am I struggling to trust others, I’m also struggling to trust myself. My judgement on John was so flawed and I spent 22 years being stomped on over and over that it is hard to trust my judgement about other people. I find it easier to trust myself about my future than to trust others in relation to my future.

Maybe I need to accept this as an opportunity to learn to trust and to let go of all my fear about other people screwing me over. Maybe I just need to keep focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and let it all work itself out. I also have to remember the question of whether I would rather be right or happy? This guy seems to be right, but he certainly doesn’t look happy.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful Sean is on his way home

I’m grateful I’m home this week

I’m grateful for the peaceful house

I’m grateful for cuddling with Wendy

I’m grateful for the yummy strawberry sorbest

I’m grateful for sleeping in my own bed

New Moon Spread

This spread was done based on a spread by Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s spread for Chantico the Goddess of the month. Chantico is the goddess of the heart and the defender of the home. She is a sun goddess and represents the nine of wands.

What is the Source of Your Inner Fire?
The source of my fire is the Red Dakini (Eight of Fire). Interestingly enough the eight of wands was the card that I chose for today as it said fireworks to me and moving fast. The Red Dakini’s message is that it is okay to follow impossible dreams and believe in things that on the surface would not seem to be possible. The Red Dakini is all about change and moving from one level to another. What is interesting is that as I pursue my degree and open myself up to the possibilities of what lays beyond, I find myself so much more confident and feeling in control of my life. I feel that I am moving with more grace and as a woman who knows her worth. That is an amazing change that has come over me. I also find myself knowing with deep certainty that my perfect love will come to me.

How do you use this Fire?
Tsonokwa (six of earth) tells me to give of myself and my wealth and to give freely. The knowledge
and skills I am gaining are to be shared with others and not just stockpiled. Tsonokwa also tells me to be courageous as I move forward. This is so interesting because my increased confidence is also helping me to move forward with courage. In the past, I would have said no to going back to school because of the cost or because I could see no practical way to use my degree, but my guides are telling me that I am on the right path. I still have no idea where it will lead me, but I know I am being cared for and led and that saying yes is the right thing to do. I’m also receiving the message that I need to also take care of myself. I will be taken care of, but part of being taken care of is knowing what I need to take care of myself.

What protection does your fire need?
Dhomanavati (Hag of Air) tells me that my fire needs protection from illusion and from those who would put me down and not respect me. She tells me to know I am enough all by myself and that I do not need approval from society. I do not need someone else in my life as I am capable of taking care of myself. However, she also tells me that it is not wrong to want someone in my life for companionship and fun. I need to be cautious of assuming that I need someone else to take care of me. I need to let go of what society tells me and listen to my own heart. I also need to let go of those things that no longer serve me.

What Fuel does your fire need?
Erinye (Ten of Air) tells me that the time to be fueled by righteous indignation is past and that it is time to surrender and be led by the fates. I love this as I am finally starting to feel that I am finding my balance between being proactive and taking control of my life and letting the fates guide me. The lesson they gave me in Sedona eight years ago is one of the most amazing lessons I’ve ever been given. Living Cairn by Cairn reminds me to look for the next right action and when I’ve taken that step to look for the next one. It is an interesting way to live, but it does help stop me from excessively planning and being so caught up in planning my next move that I don’t enjoy the present moment. I’m not perfect yet, but I am definitely moving in the right direction.

What is being transformed within you?
Oh Circe (Three of Fire), you have such wisdom for me for you are all about transformation. You are reminding me of the importance of my creativity and expressing it in all forms and in all aspects of my life. My creativity is about the flowers I put on the table as well as the creative words I write. You’re also reminding me to dress for power and to integrate all aspects of my life. That’s interesting for me as I deliberately chose to put my little love altar in my workspace instead of my bedroom or creating a separate altar because I wanted the reminder that love needs to be part of my entire life and not segregated into a specific area. It made sense to put it on my work altar as that is where I spend the most time when I’m home and that is where I would be most likely to see it on a regular basis.

Overall, this was a pretty interesting reading as it summed up the fact that I am becoming an independent woman who has the confidence and the wherewithal to live life on my own terms.

Shadow Work–Day 12

How do I integrate my shadow?

Dreamer King tells me to cut through the illusions and the bullshit. I have spent enough time working on healing work that I know it is bullshit to think everyone will treat me like my ex-husband. I also need to cut through my old beliefs that came from my misogynistic upbringing. I do not need a man to be happy. I do not need a man to be successful. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with and confide in, but I am a fully functional human being all by myself without anyone else. That is a really hard concept for me because I saw how divorced women were treated when I grew up (and yes that was in the 70’s and 80’s). Divorced women were to be pitied for not being able to keep their men and they were expected to either go out and get a new man or to move in with their parents. Intellectually I know that is total garbage, but I guess there was a part of me that believed that bullshit. Dreamer King tells me that I have the responsibility to let go of that way of thinking.

Dancer Two is a card that I love because it shows the soul mates back to back instead of face to face. I like this because it tells me that soul mates can be connected and always be there for the other, but that being soulmates doesn’t mean I have to be completely focused on the other person. Even though we are partners and together, we can still have our own lives and our own interests. This is the complete opposite of my marriage where John said he wanted us to build our own interests, but every time I tried he sabotaged me. I wanted to go back to school and he put up road blocks. I started working out after work and he started taking an earlier train so I’d have to pick him up sooner. He also expected me to be interested in everything he did and got pouty when I wasn’t interested in football. That is now how a relationship should work and that is the very clear message I’m getting from Dancer Two.

Dreamer Eight tells me that I sometimes get caught up in my own illusions and it is okay to cut through them and to recognize them for what they are. I have chosen to trap myself and it is time to free myself. I have it within my power to cut through everything that is holding me back and to step out of the trap. All that is holding me back is my own beliefs. This card has come up multiple times lately as it came up for my card of the day on Friday and it came up when someone read for me. The universe is screaming at me that it is time to step out of my own constraints.

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment. He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land. I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak. He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle. The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was. It doesn’t mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother. I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before. I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me. There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself. However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her. That’s something she has to want and to work for herself. However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.