Tag: Heart Shadows

Shadow Work–Day 12

How do I integrate my shadow?



Dreamer King tells me to cut through the illusions and the bullshit.  I have spent enough time working on healing work that I know it is bullshit to think everyone will treat me like my ex-husband.  I also need to cut through my old beliefs that came from my misogynistic upbringing.  I do not need a man to be happy.  I do not need a man to be successful.  It would be nice to have someone to hang out with and confide in, but I am a fully functional human being all by myself without anyone else.  That is a really hard concept for me because I saw how divorced women were treated when I grew up (and yes that was in the 70’s and 80’s).  Divorced women were to be pitied for not being able to keep their men and they were expected to either go out and get a new man or to move in with their parents.  Intellectually I know that is total garbage, but I guess there was a part of me that believed that bullshit.  Dreamer King tells me that I have the responsibility to let go of that way of thinking.

Dancer Two is a card that I love because it shows the soul mates back to back instead of face to face.  I like this because it tells me that soul mates can be connected and always be there for the other, but that being soulmates doesn’t mean I have to be completely focused on the other person.  Even though we are partners and together, we can still have our own lives and our own interests.  This is the complete opposite of my marriage where John said he wanted us to build our own interests, but every time I tried he sabotaged me.  I wanted to go back to school and he put up road blocks.  I started working out after work and he started taking an earlier train so I’d have to pick him up sooner.  He also expected me to be interested in everything he did and got pouty when I wasn’t interested in football.  That is now how a relationship should work and that is the very clear message I’m getting from Dancer Two.

Dreamer Eight tells me that I sometimes get caught up in my own illusions and it is okay to cut through them and to recognize them for what they are.  I have chosen to trap myself and it is time to free myself.  I have it within my power to cut through everything that is holding me back and to step out of the trap.  All that is holding me back is my own beliefs.  This card has come up multiple times lately as it came up for my card of the day on Friday and it came up when someone read for me.  The universe is screaming at me that it is time to step out of my own constraints.

Shadow Work–Day 11: Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Dreamer Ten tells me that I hesitate in relationships because I am terrified of getting hurt.  I’m terrified of having my heart ripped out again and I know that I could not handle this hurt again.  Interestingly enough, Ten of Swords came up yesterday in a reading I received yesterday as a reason that I hesitate in relationships and it is a mental block and not a block from my heart.  My brain has convinced me that I am unlovable, that I am not worthy of love, and that everyone out there who might be interested in me will take advantage of me and bleed me dry.  I am projecting all of the hurt from my ex-husband on everyone else.  As long as I continue projecting on everyone else, I will never be able to have a relationship because I will keep everyone at arm’s length.

Dreamer Nine is interesting as I have nightmares about not being loved and being unloved forever, but it is my own fear that is keeping love at bay.  There is no room in my life for love as long as I am haunted by nightmares of being hurt.  I think it is time that I actually addressed the physical and emotional abuse that I received.  For the most part, I’ve dealt with the emotional abuse and am in a place where I would recognize emotional abuse for what it was.  I’ve also gotten so much stronger at setting boundaries and cutting people out of my life.  I would also walk away after the first time someone hit me, but I’m terrified of letting someone close enough for there to be a first time.  My mind has built barriers to opening up and letting people in to protect my body.

Dancer Seven is telling me that I am drowning in these illusions.  I have so bought into my belief that anyone I meet would hurt me that I can’t seem to release this and let it go.  I have built my barricades up so high and I am so convinced that my only alternative is to keep people out.  This is why I am in such a place of fear and it is so difficult for me to actually connect with people and make friends and have relationships.

This was an incredibly powerful and insightful reading and it has identified something I didn’t realize before as I had kind of shrugged off the physical abuse my ex put me through and focused on the emotional abuse, but I’ve realized that my mind has built a lot of barriers to protect myself from this abuse.

Shadow Work–Day 5

What parts of my ancestral shadow are found in my own shadow

The first  card I pulled was the Sun and I’m not sure how to interpret this card for this position.  I think the best I could come up with is the hive mentality.  The fairy queen is pulling me in to follow the hive up the mountain and that truly fits my ancestral background as they had no tolerance for people who were different or who went their own way.  If you chose to be different, you were mocked or “put in your place.”  This card should be about success and joy, but the way it is drawn the success and joy feels almost ominous.  I almost get a feeling of the borg out of this card as it is about assimilating people.

Dreamer eight is about being trapped in a web and it follows along with my interpretation of the sun
card.  This is about being pulled in and not knowing what is reality and not knowing what is smoke and mirrors.  This reflects both my family and my relationship with John as I was constantly told things that were not true.  I was told that I was unattractive, that women could not lead, that I was nothing.  It gets to the point that you don’t know what is the truth anymore and it is all too easy to lose yourself in the lies and keep yourself trapped because you don’t know what reality is.

The Wheel of Fortune is an interesting card as it is all about fate and about believing in fate and not free will. The one thing that strikes me about this card is that the fairy is offering food and it seems that is almost an attempt to draw me in and to pull me into the games.  This card is also about gambling and that is something that makes sense based on my mother’s history with lottery tickets.

Shadow Work–Day 2: How do my relationships mirror my shadow side?

How do my relationships mirror my shadow side?

The hanged man can tell us a lot of things as sometimes he tells us we need to get another perspective, but in this instance the Hanged Man is telling me that my relationships are about self sacrifice.  I sacrificed myself for my ex-husband.  I made myself less and less so that he could feel better about himself until I almost disappeared.  I sacrifice for my children so that they have what they need and I sacrifice at work.  The lesson I’ve been learning about sacrifice is that it is important that we know we have a choice in saying yes or no to sacrifice.  I was raised to believe that my needs were secondary to everyone else’s so I never thought that I had a choice in saying yes or no to sacrifice.  I’ve learned over the last eight years that I do have a choice and sacrifices that are willingly made are much sweeter than those that are demanded.

The Warrior tells me that I am fierce and protected in all of my relationships.  I never feel comfortable letting my guard down and just being.  I always have to be on the defensive and always protecting my tender heart.  Additionally, I love to drive and be in control.  These characteristics make it very hard for people to get to know me.  The cards have been telling me for a very long time that it is time to let down my guard and to let people in and it is something that is very hard for me to do.

The fool is double edged as I leaped into my marriage without careful consideration and ended up in an untenable situation.  Since then, I have drawn up strict lists of criteria for a future mate that almost no one has a hope of meeting and I’m applying those criteria like a USDA judge grading meat.  If someone scores too low on one criteria, I’m not even willing to “waste my time” meeting them.  The fool is telling me that I cannot just leap in with nary a care in the world, but I also cannot be too closed minded about the people I let into my life.

Overall this was a scarily accurate reading and truly reflected where I am in life.  I need to continue to reflect on this.

Shadow Work–Day 1

This work is part of the Shadow Work series from the International Tarot Foundation’s Shadow Work Series.

What parts of my shadow manifest in my relationships?



Dreamer Ten tells me that I bring my depression and spilling my guts.  When I’m in a relationship I have a tendency to emotionally bleed all over the other person and spill my guts.  That’s really true for me and it is something I’ve been working on as I’ve learned that being open and honest with another person doesn’t mean holding them hostage and doesn’t give me the right to spill everything and bring them down.  It is okay to gain support from others, but i can’t drown them in my emotional ick.

Dancer Three tells me that I bring a sense of joy and happiness to relationships.  It isn’t all drowning
in my emotional soup, I also bring a sense of friendship.  This card tells me more than anything that I do want my significant other to be a friend as well as a lover.  Although on the surface, this sounds very positive, there is some emotional baggage here as when I was married I believed wholeheartedly that my spouse should be my best friend, but my ex didn’t feel that way and it hurt.  To a certain extent, that leaves me afraid to open my heart up and be vulnerable.

Maker Queen tells me I have the ability to heal my shadow side.  I need to trust in my nurturing instinct and my ability to heal myself as well as others.

Overall, these were incredibly accurate and powerful cards.