Hanson-Roberts – Cairn by Cairn

King of Swords

January 21, 2022

Deck: Tarot of the Divine

Journaling:

This is an appropriate card for me today as I’m feeling super defensive and attacked. It feels as if the terrible twosome gets to be as horrible as possible, but anytime I say anything nasty about them, I’m the bad guy. However, at the end of the day I just got a good review and I always deliver so those two can just suck it. I know that the boy is just a worthless little twit who thinks he knows more than he does and the girl just wants to impress people with how wonderful she is when really she is an idiot.

What I need to remember is that their being idiots is about them and not about me. If my boss is so weak willed that he listens to those two idiots, then that isn’t someone that I want to work for and I will find another job as soon as I am vested in my retirement. I’ve switched jobs before so I can switch jobs again, I just have to let it go and just focus on doing my work and not on all the drama.

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December 29, 2021

Deck: Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions: Wisdom, punishment guided by wisdom, overseeing, strength

Book: Symbol for patience, perserverance, and judgement

Guidance: Loyalty, unwavering devotion, connection between heaven and earth

Journaling:

Griffins are guardians of rivers of gold and exhibit both wisdom and strength. This card is telling me to guard what is mine, but to use wisdom to do so. A griffin would have the wisdom to know if someone was truly a threat or not and I need to exhibit the same wisdom. This is an interesting reading for me because there are times when I do not truly use wisdom to determine if I am being threatened. In those instances, I go on the offensive and make sure someone knows not to mess with me, even if there is no real threat.

I’ve been doing that a lot at work as there is someone I view as a threat and I need to be incredibly defensive about everything she says and I am probably a lot meaner than I need to be. This is one of those instances where I am competing instead of collaborating. In my defense, I do have a broader range of experience than she does and she does a hell of a lot of annoying things (like not taking no for an answer), but I should take a step back and breathe before going on the attack.

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August 27, 2019

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Arthur, decisions, journeys

Book: Power and authority from divine right

Guidance: Cut though confusion by speaking the truth in a firm and fair way. Stand in the power of your divine right to follow your own mind.

Journaling:

I love the messaging around this as it is so through that being direct and speaking clearly without emotion really helps to cut through the BS. I have a client who gets into blaming us and trying to make us responsible for all their shortcomings. I have learned that I just need to pull my energy in and be very direct about what needs to be done. There is no room for emotion and for taking things personally. I have learned that when I take things personally and make it all about me, things generally go better than when I am able to take the emotion out of it and focus on the facts. The other lesson I learned from Ted is that instead of saying “you made me feel…” something I should just focus on I feel. As he said, there is no arguing with my feelings as people cannot tell me that I don’t feel something and it is also difficult to discount facts. When I can approach things that way, I’m able to have much more productive conversations.

Sometimes it is really hard to open up and to own my feelings, but when I am able to have these hard conversations and admit how I am really feeling, my life is so much better. I’m learning that sometimes just saying what I am feeling helps me to work through the feelings. I realize that it is odd to be writing about feelings when writing about the King of Swords, but the message I cam getting is that the King of Swords can help us cut away that veil that prevents us from seeing and feeling our own feelings. We get so caught up in being afraid of our feelings or thinking that our feelings are not socially acceptable, that we hide them or stuff them down in a desperate attempt to not feel. However, when we can use the King of Swords to cut away the veil and let them out, we can speak our truth with clarity.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful that for the yummy Greek potatoes

I’m grateful I got to leave work in a timely manner

I’m grateful that the weather was clear

I’m grateful for the yummy hot fudge sundae

I’m grateful for the warm and snuggly bed

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July 10, 2018

Deck: Rider-Waite

First Impressions: Drive, taking action, communication

Book: Directly facing all who approach him, intelligent, reliable man in authority, power, strength, logical, and rational

Guidance: Don’t cross the king, be flexible and innovative, continue moving forward

Journaling:

It’s time for me to be decisive and begin making plans to move forward. I don’t know exactly what the future looks like, but I know it is time to start figuring it out.

December 30, 2018 Review

What I am finding so amazing about reading through past posts is how much I have changed my life by taking time to read through and analyze my past posts. It is so helpful to get it all out on the page. It just helps to have it there instead of festering. And going back and looking at it with a fresh set of eyes makes it so much less scary.

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September 25, 2017

Gilded Tarot
Note: Card was reversed

Deck: Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Be kinder

Book: Biased decision, dismissing feelings, not playing by the rules, suspending judgement, ruthless action, accept you cannot change people, lack of decisiveness

Guidance: Feel More, judge and analyze less

Journaling

I don’t make decisions decisively and implement them when they come to my body. I know sugar is really bad for me and makes me feel horrible, but I keep sucking it down I need to let go. I’m also not very decisive about my X decision. I let go, then snatch it back. I need to just let go.

July 8, 2018 Review

Letting go is really hard for me. I need to figure out why sugar has such a draw for me. No, I don’t. Sugar is a physically addictive substance and I am addicted. This is not about me being weak or having a lack of willpower. It is literally about being addicted to a substance. I need to go back to the 12 steps and apply them to sugar. I am just addicted. I think I am going to try going to Food Addicts Anonymous meetings to see if that helps. I’m going to order the literature, then make a decision about the meeting

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October 23, 2016

Deck: Fairie Tarot

First Impressions: Mastery of one’s thoughts

Book: Compromise, Fairness, Consider other points of view

Guidance: Be fair and objective, listen to others, be intellectually honest

May 25, 2018

Interesting, I did not journal when I pulled this card originally. I’m sure it is because I was super busy and caught up in work. I love this card. Most people would take it as a reminder to listen to other people’s points of view, but I consider it a reminder to value my own point of view. My upbringing by the Bitch taught me to value other people over myself so it is second nature for me to discount my own beliefs to appease others. However, recently I have begun valuing my own point of view and truly listening to and asserting myself.

That is really uncomfortable for me because it feels like I am sticking myself out there and setting myself up to be stomped on, but it is important that I assert myself and make my thoughts and feelings known. It was uncomfortable this week at work as I had to assert myself regarding the demo we were doing and sometimes it felt as if I was a broken record, but in the end I got support and we ended up including OCM and it was great as they guys wove it into their presentation seamlessly.

Asserting myself and standing up for myself feels uncomfortable and there are times when I feel as if I have two speeds: Door Mat and Freight train, but that is because in the past, I did not do a good job of asserting myself until I got really pissed off and then it seemed as if it was the first time I had said something, when in reality no one had chosen to listen to me before.

John was wrong in calling me a freight train because he chose not to take responsibility for our lives or anything that was happening so because I was willing to assert myself and take responsibility, I was a freight train. The reality of the matter is that if he had chosen to be an equal partner in our marriage, we would have not had all the problems that we had. Instead, he chose to be passive and as a result, I was viewed as domineering.

It is so valuable to look back on my marriage through the lens of time and see that all the horror and pain he put me through were not really about me at all, but were about his own self esteem issues and his own inadequacies.

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October 1, 2016

Deck: Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment. He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land. I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak. He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle. The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was. It doesn’t mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017 Review

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother. I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before. I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me. There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself. However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her. That’s something she has to want and to work for herself. However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

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September 12, 2016

Deck: Hanson-Roberts

Immediate Response: Although this card appears cold and icy, it isn’t as the tree still has green on. I love the purple embellishment on his sword as it takes an object that is cold and icy and humanizes it. I also like the cloak clasp as it mirrors his standard which you can partially see in the background. This card as well as my tarot knowledge says that this king is decisive and has the ability to make good decisions, but he might also be a little rigid.

Book: Intellectual, stern, tendency to be too rigid, guardian of social order.

Guidance: Be flexible, make decisions, hold boundaries

Journaling: The last few days have been about flexibility and going with the flow for me so it is interesting that this card came up. I have been deliberately working on going with the flow and not being rigid so I’m not sure what the guidance is here. Have I been too flexible? Maybe this card is suggesting that I be a little more rigid and maintain better boundaries, especially around work. I’m not exactly sure how I would do that as these people are nuts. I’m going to have to give this some thought. Maybe there are ways I can more provide more structure.

December 21, 2017 Review

Interesting to review this a year out of the situation. All of the things that seemed so important at the time and so urgent aren’t important any more and I don’t even remember what all the drama was at at the time. I do know that I was working at Gateway in Chicago and they were kind of nuts. They had chosen the wrong solution and were trying to make it fix and it wasn’t working. They didn’t do a good job with order and structure.

I’m also learning that overall I don’t do a good job with boundaries and I’m struggling with that now as my client wants to meet every day next week even though I’m on PTO and the rest of the team is. However, being a consultant means sucking it up and doing what needs to be done. Not sure how to set boundaries when the expectation is to be available. Again, I’ll have to figure out how to set those boundaries.

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April 7, 2016

Deck: Herbal Tarot

First impressions: Decisiveness

Book: Grounded and stable, cut away truth from untruth

Guidance: Watch so the sword is not critical or sharp to himself or others, bel tolerant, be supportive

Affirmation; I am kind in my decisions

Journaling

I needed to hear this today because I’ve been doing a lot of beating up on myself. I am human and not perfect. I need to accept me for who I am. The past few weeks have also helped me to better understand why John is with someone. When you’re lonely, it would be really easy to accept the first guy that looks as you, as if you might think someone is better than no one. However, after spending 22 years with someone who didn’t love me, I’d rather have the loneliness I feel over the pain of rejection and abuse. I’m also not going to settle. Why should I lower my standards/ I will not settle for anything other than unconditional love because that’s what I deserve. I deserve someone who makes me laugh, who loves me no matter what and who is there for me no matter what.

John was never that person. His primary goal was always to bring me down a notch. Ishould have let him go all those lifetimes agin.

May 15, 2016

Opening my heart and listening is hard for me. I’m so glad tarot is helping me find a way to open to healing.

Inequality in the Sixes

I woke up this week and realized I’ve lived my entire life as a six. Before the self love crowd starts getting on me about denigrating my appearance, let me clear I’m not talking about how I look, I’m talking about tarot cards. As I get more and more familiar with tarot, I’m learning to really pick out patterns and apply them to my own life. It also helps when the cards smack us upside the head with something again and again. For me, pulling the sixes over and over again has helped me realize all the ways I’ve fostered inequality in my life.

Financial Inequality

Druidcraft Six of Pentacles

The six of pentacles is about financial inequality. The first six of pentacles card I saw was the six of pentacles from the Druidcraft deck and I hated the card because to me it was all about people asking more from a poor old man than he had to give. I shuttered every time I pulled that card because it reminded me of all the times I’d been asked to give more than I had. As I studied (and acquired) more and more decks, I realized that most decks showed a more affluent person giving money to others and not a beggar being asked to give up his last dime.

Although the traditional image was less disturbing for me than the Druidcraft deck, it still represented financial inequality as someone with a lot of money was giving to someone with less money. I thought about the very few times in my life I’d been receiving from others and about how difficult it was to ask for a handout and admit I couldn’t make my own way.

Hansen Roberts Six of Pentacles

I also thought about the many more times I had been on the giving side of the equation. Being on the giving side of the equation brings with it its own set of issues. As a parent, we have all of the money and it is our job to give it to our children as needed. However, I know from my personal experience there’s been a lot of times where I’ve fallen back on the “we can’t afford it” line instead of being honest with my kids and saying we could afford it, but I don’t think it is the best way to spend our money. An unfortunate result of the “we can’t afford it” line is that my children have developed poverty consciousness and think we can’t afford anything. I’m working hard to change that by being honest about when we really can’t afford something and when it is not the best use of our money.

Unfortunately, we live in six of pentacles society where money is a measuring stick and people who can bring in more money are rewarded more than others even though a person making less money may be making the bigger contribution to society. Executives are paid more than teachers even though teachers make a far more valuable contribution to society.

I fell into the money as a measuring stick mind set during my marriage as I made significantly more than my now ex-husband and toward the end of our marriage money became a weapon of control. My feelings were since I made the money I got to choose where to spend it. I chose not to look at the other contributions he made and based it solely on who made the most. One of the lessons I learned from my marriage is that money is not the only measuring stick and that I need to look at people more holistically.

Emotional Inequality

RWS Six of Cups

When taken at face value, the six of cups is a charming card with an older child giving a smaller child a cup of flowers. The card seems to be about nostalgia, about having a big brother to take care of you, and about a happy childhood or, as one site says, the card is about simple goodness. And all of those things are true, but there is a darker side to the six of cups.

I did a spread where I asked what I had learned about love from various couples and for one couple the six of cups came up. Looking at the textbook definition of goodness and happiness, I was confused as I’d know that this couple had a miserable marriage where she made the money and he took advantage of her. I had an ah ha moment where I realized that the six of cups could also be about emotional inequality with one person being more invested in the relationship than the other or about one person taking advantage of the other person.

I gained an even deeper understanding of this card when I kept pulling it when asking about my relationship with a certain someone. At first, I viewed it as a happy card, but when I started to compare it to the two of cups which shows two people sharing a cup; I realized that when it came to adult relationships, this card was either about one person being rescued by another or one person taking advantage of another. When I truly reflected upon my relationship with this person, I realized it was both. My friend is a guy who likes to rescue damsels in distress and a lot of our relationship was built on that inequality. On the flip side, I know that he likes to rescue damsels in distress so if I was feeling a little sad or lonely, I’d be the damsel in distress and he’d rush to my rescue.

Those realizations made me really think about the type of relationships I want in my life and even more fundamentally about who I wanted to be in my own life. I realized that I don’t want to be a damsel in distress. I want to be an equal so I want a two of cups relationship and not a six of cups relationship.

Status Inequality

The six of wands and the six of swords represent the two sides of the status inequality coin: the six of wands shows the exalted hero riding in to the cheers of his adoring fans and the six of swords shows the gondolier as servant being ignored by his passengers. As I reflected on these cards, I realized I’m more comfortable in either of these roles than in a role as an equal.

Six of Wands

My roles as consultant, teacher, and leader reflect the six of wands as I love to stand at the front of the room and lecture and give advice. It’s not only the praise and adoration I love, it is the disconnection. I don’t have to engage in real conversation with people and let them in. As I look back over my life, I realize I’m really comfortable in the roles of organizing and teaching because they give a purpose to my interactions. When I’m teaching, I’m talking on a specific topic and even if I don’t have a prepared speech, I know the material well enough that I can speak convincingly. I’m also passionate enough about what I do that my lectures appear to be heartfelt, but they’re really not because it’s difficult for me to truly let people in and engage in a heartfelt conversation. Being above the crowd insulates me from other people’s messy feelings and emotions.

Six of Swords

If being a six of wands lets me be above the fray, slipping into the six of swords persona lets me fly below the radar. As long as I do my job and meet my obligations, I don’t have to engage with people on a personal level. I take their orders and don’t let them in to see the real me. I’ve been working as a consultant for the past six years and that’s the perfect job for an introvert who doesn’t let people in because everyone knows the day I walk in the door that the gig is temporary. I’ll be there for six months or so and then I’ll move on. There is no point to getting close to people because I’ll be gone soon.

A Lonely Way to Live

Living as six is a very lonely way to live because there aren’t true heartfelt connections of equals. Everything is about dominating or being dominated and at the end of the day it is about fear. Fear of not being good enough and fear of letting people in. So my challenge is to dig deep within myself to find the courage to let people in so I can be a two of cups instead of a six.

Two of Pentacles

Two of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks. There are boats in the background. The boy has his eyes closed. Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks. This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book: Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance: Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don’t lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull and to meditate on. The message that I’m getting is that sometimes I’m juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of. There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention. One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway. I’ve said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens. There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I’ve gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren’t worth my time and energy. Worry is one ball that I’ve been working hard to let go of. There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn’t help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop. I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens. I’ve spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go. That’s a big part of the reason that I’ve been working to let go of Chicago. Going back there keeps me entangled and that’s not healthy for me. What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John. I really do hate him for what he’s done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me. He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is. I just need to let go

King of Swords

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts

Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

December 23, 2017

Ten of Rods

Ten of Rods
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon. The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak. It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange. This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book: Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance: Set better boundaries, do not take on other people’s stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today. Gateway is being their usual moronic selves. They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces. However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I’m not responsible for their decisions. Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, “It’s not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me. All of this is about them and their bad decision making. I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy.”

December 23, 2017

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in. It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior. They constantly took on insanity that wasn’t theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways. It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they’re driven by codependency.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don’t like them, too bad. I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests. I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior. Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away. It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my