eight – Cairn by Cairn

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Cups

First Impressions: Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart’s yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance: Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I’m at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project. Nobody is getting along and we’re not getting anything done. I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone. However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back. I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on. I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama. My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt.

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for. That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis. That is what I am responsible for. I’m not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due. I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel. I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I’m doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on. I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me. it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time. It is all about setting aside one day to just be. To just think, pray, enjoy, and be. It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being. I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes

Phone charger fixed my issue

Yummy Poke for dinner

Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids

Snuggles from Wendy this morning

Skyping with Cam

Flight was on time

Eight of Fire

Eight of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: My first impressions are of a beautiful red fire goddess falling into a small village. There is a sense of haste and purpose.

Book: Let the rush lead to a new awakening, Inviting change in, a great energetic shift, seducing people to follow impossible dreams.

Guidance: Get out of the way and go for the ride, invite the Goddess in, follow your desire

Journaling:

I’m not sure what to do with this energy. A feel there is a change a’brewing, but I don’t truly know what I want in my life. I don’t know. Part of me just wants peace in my life. I don’t want to change the world or just buy things. I just want peace. I want to wake up and look into my soul and clean away the debris that has accumulated there. I want to live a simple life, but how do I get there? How do I live a contemplative life while still being in the world.

December 28, 2017

This week has been a really good experience for me in letting go and choosing to live in peace. I’m not thrilled that we have to have daily meetings to resolve defects, but I’ve realized that I have choice: I can choose to let the 30 minute daily meeting ruin my entire day or I can choose to say, this is 30 minutes that I need to spend doing this, but then I’m done. It really is a choice and I’ve been doing a good job of choosing to do the meeting and let go. That is so much progress for me because before I would have spent the entire day in a snit because I had to have this one 30 minute meeting.

I’m also doing a good job of choosing to let go of not being able to spend as much time cleaning the house as I want to. It’s really hard to clean around people and to a certain extent that annoys me, but I can choose to get all angry and pissy about them sitting there or I can just choose to relax and do something else. It is my choice.

Eight of Water

Eight of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: Sedna is always a goddess of deep despair for me based on her story. She is a powerful goddess who withholds animals from the Inuit unless they confess their taboos and appease her. She always strikes me as cold and unfeeling as if the trauma that her father put her through (cutting off her fingers) left her permanently devoid of compassion.

Book: Going deep is not an easy task, let it be worthwhile. Sedna reigns in the deep dark oceans, past the place of final breath. Sedna was betrayed by one who loved her, one she trusted, and one who was responsible to care for her. When she is treated with respect, she will release the animals from the deep and allow her people to partake of the bounty of the sea.

Guidance: Sedna’s guidance tells us to care for the child who has been betrayed. She also tells us to look at old wounds we may have below the surface and to understand the links between those woulds and our woulds.

Journaling:

Wow! This is powerful stuff and it sums up a lot of where I’m at. I’ve been betrayed and sold out by people who were supposed to love and cherish me and it hurts a lot.

Luke
February 14, 2004 to July 21, 20117
RIP

I’ve been feeling Sedna lately as I feel the despair and the betrayal. It feels as if I’m swimming in a deep soup of emotions and I’m scared to let go because I’m scared I will drown in these painful emotions. I’m scared of truly feeling my grief for Luke because I’m scared that once I let the sorrow flow out, I won’t be able to turn it back off. I’m scared to go back to the deep dark place that I was after John left. I thought I would never be able to come out of the darkness.

Message from Sedna:

There is a difference, Raine. Your’ grief for Luke is pure and unadulterated by anger or a sense of betrayal! Luke loved you with everything he had. There were no games or using. It was pure unadulterated love. You can’t say that with John as there were always games.

December 18, 2017

Dear Sedna,

Thank you for the reminder that Luke’s love was pure and unadulterated. I’ve been feeling disloyal to Luke because I’ve been fallling in love with Clark because he is so cute and energetic. I’m realizing that loving Clark doesn’t dishonor Luke. It is about opening my heart and there is room in my heart for both of them.

December 27, 2017

Wow! This was amazingly powerful! I’ve been feeling a lot of grief right now. This time of year is hard for me as all of the drama I’ve been through and the body memories from all the painful stuff that has happened in November and December. I think a lot of what I’m feeling comes down to grief and learning to grieve well. I’m realizing that it is okay to feel my feelings and that I don’t have to stuff them. If I am honest and feel my feelings when I feel them, they do not become so scary and overwhelming.