Tag: Dreamer Ten

Shadow Work–Day 16

What negative aspects of my shadow do I project?

As much as I love the Dancer Two card in its aspect of soulmate, the message it gives me about this question is that I often turn my back to people I love.  If things get too emotionally intense, I will back away and be standoffish rather than be emotionally available and open to another person.  I also tend to pull away when conversations get too personal.  I don’t like to let people in because of my fear of being hurt so I walk away and show my back.

The flip side of this is Dreamer Ten which tells me that if I get comfortable with someone I can bleed my emotional pain all over someone else.  Up until recently, I’ve taken emotional hostages and expected them to be my emotional support human and take whatever pain and ick I’ve dredged up.  If they pulled back or had their own issues, I got angry because they weren’t there for me in the the way I needed them to be there for me.

Dreamer Queen sitting on her pile of books tells me that when I am in uncomfortable situations, I approach them from a place of the mind and not the heart.  This reminds me of my original list of qualifications for a partner.  Because my ex was basically a deadbeat, my first criteria for being with someone was that they made as much or more than I do.  A lot of people pointed out to me that I was ruling out a lot of potential partners on something arbitrary.  They made the argument that a lot of guys were not like my ex and were self supporting and would not have their ego’s bruised by someone making more money than they did.  To a certain extent, I see their point, but my fear has kept me from removing that criteria.

As always with the Tarot of the Sidhe, I’m getting a lot of good reads that are truly speaking truths I need to hear.

Shadow Work–Day 11: Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Dreamer Ten tells me that I hesitate in relationships because I am terrified of getting hurt.  I’m terrified of having my heart ripped out again and I know that I could not handle this hurt again.  Interestingly enough, Ten of Swords came up yesterday in a reading I received yesterday as a reason that I hesitate in relationships and it is a mental block and not a block from my heart.  My brain has convinced me that I am unlovable, that I am not worthy of love, and that everyone out there who might be interested in me will take advantage of me and bleed me dry.  I am projecting all of the hurt from my ex-husband on everyone else.  As long as I continue projecting on everyone else, I will never be able to have a relationship because I will keep everyone at arm’s length.

Dreamer Nine is interesting as I have nightmares about not being loved and being unloved forever, but it is my own fear that is keeping love at bay.  There is no room in my life for love as long as I am haunted by nightmares of being hurt.  I think it is time that I actually addressed the physical and emotional abuse that I received.  For the most part, I’ve dealt with the emotional abuse and am in a place where I would recognize emotional abuse for what it was.  I’ve also gotten so much stronger at setting boundaries and cutting people out of my life.  I would also walk away after the first time someone hit me, but I’m terrified of letting someone close enough for there to be a first time.  My mind has built barriers to opening up and letting people in to protect my body.

Dancer Seven is telling me that I am drowning in these illusions.  I have so bought into my belief that anyone I meet would hurt me that I can’t seem to release this and let it go.  I have built my barricades up so high and I am so convinced that my only alternative is to keep people out.  This is why I am in such a place of fear and it is so difficult for me to actually connect with people and make friends and have relationships.

This was an incredibly powerful and insightful reading and it has identified something I didn’t realize before as I had kind of shrugged off the physical abuse my ex put me through and focused on the emotional abuse, but I’ve realized that my mind has built a lot of barriers to protect myself from this abuse.

Shadow Work–Day 9

How does the shadow of past relationships influence current relationships?

The Star tells me that every person I meet will be measured against X and they most likely will come up short.  The problem is that my relationship with X while deep and emotionally intense, was not a full time in your face kind of relationship.  We never lived together, had kids together, fought over bills, etc.  We got to go out and have fun and be on our best behavior.  Ironically, one of the things I always get pissy about when John talks about how wonderful his girlfriends are is that he never was married to them, was poor with them, etc.  I guess I’m being kind of hypocritical because I’m measuring everyone I meet against the same kind of standard.  The other thing the star tells me is that because deep within my soul there is a little part of me that still wants to have a relationship with X, that hope stands in my way of future relationships.
The Magician, in this instance, is a charlatan and someone who is all smoke and mirrors and not who he appears to be.  John was definitely a charlatan.  When I met him he was in program and I truly thought that he believed in the 12 steps and was truly walking the walk.  However, once we moved in together, I realized that he was paying the steps lip service and that he really just wanted to be a party boy.  He also told me that he wanted someone who would walk beside him and be his partner.  He said he didn’t want someone who walked in the shadows.  However, when we were together that changed and he was constantly trying to take me down a peg.  I’m afraid of getting involved with someone else only to find out that they are also a fraud.
Dreamer Ten reminds me of drowning in my own blood and not being able to see straight because of the pain that is just pouring off of me.  I am afraid of meeting and getting into a relationship with someone else because I am afraid that I would not be able to stand having my heart broken again.  It hurt so bad and I literally felt like I was crying blood because of my heart ache.  I keep people at arm’s length because I am terrified of being hurt again.
These are intensely powerful cards and I can feel the heaviness rolling off of them.  There is a part of me that says how will I ever trust someone enough to get into a relationship with all of this baggage hanging over my head.

Shadow Work–Day 1

This work is part of the Shadow Work series from the International Tarot Foundation’s Shadow Work Series.

What parts of my shadow manifest in my relationships?



Dreamer Ten tells me that I bring my depression and spilling my guts.  When I’m in a relationship I have a tendency to emotionally bleed all over the other person and spill my guts.  That’s really true for me and it is something I’ve been working on as I’ve learned that being open and honest with another person doesn’t mean holding them hostage and doesn’t give me the right to spill everything and bring them down.  It is okay to gain support from others, but i can’t drown them in my emotional ick.

Dancer Three tells me that I bring a sense of joy and happiness to relationships.  It isn’t all drowning
in my emotional soup, I also bring a sense of friendship.  This card tells me more than anything that I do want my significant other to be a friend as well as a lover.  Although on the surface, this sounds very positive, there is some emotional baggage here as when I was married I believed wholeheartedly that my spouse should be my best friend, but my ex didn’t feel that way and it hurt.  To a certain extent, that leaves me afraid to open my heart up and be vulnerable.

Maker Queen tells me I have the ability to heal my shadow side.  I need to trust in my nurturing instinct and my ability to heal myself as well as others.

Overall, these were incredibly accurate and powerful cards.