deliberate draw – Page 2

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Cups

First Impressions: Icy, emotional control, heartless

Book: Hidden emotions, worldly and suave, unwillingness to be vulnerable

Guidance: Open your heart

Journaling

Another card that is right on the money as I am still struggling to be open and vulnerable. It is much easier to say F* you and walk away than to trust people enough to open up and be vulnerable and let them in. In my head, I know that loving with an open heart means opening up and being willing to be vulnerable, but in practice I still struggle with it. I do a good job with Scott and with Kyle, but it takes me a long time to actually get to know people and to truly let them in. I think my experience with X has also hurt me more than I know as I trusted him and shared his secrets and he’s been so distant lately. However, in my heart I know that is more a matter of unfulfilled expectations than a true breach of trust. In realty, he has done nothing to hurt me, but be busy with his own life.

The other issue is that I am struggling to control my raging Scorpio personality. My personality is scorched earth and take no prisoners and when I feel like I am slighted, I either want to destroy the other person, freeze them out, or just ghost them. Those are the extremes within my soul and it is really hard for me to come to a more temperate approach. I think that drives some of my personal problems at work as well as I am so passionate about what I do and I want to do it well and when I feel like my efforts are not appreciated, my default mechanism is to say F* you and walk away. I can’t just bring part of myself to work, I’m either all in or all out.

I think that’s why in my heart of hearts I’d rather own my online business where I can call the shots and I can say F* you if I don’t get my way. I’m not sure if there is a solution to this, but I will continue to meditate on it, work on it, and do my best.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for taking a nap

I’m grateful for air conditioning

I’m grateful for a yummy dinner with Cam

I’m grateful for Bai

I’m grateful for Scott

Judgement

July 25, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book: You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past

Guidance: Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence

Journaling

This is an interesting card to pull today because I’m in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don’t know if I trust them. Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn’t funny. We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client’s building, and a whole host of bad behavior. And it’s being driven by someone high up in the food chain’s behavior. It’s making it so that I don’t even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.

I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it. That puts all of my hackles up because I don’t really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things. I especially don’t trust people to make things right after I’ve spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee. I know that isn’t the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.

This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage. In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash. And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested. Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene’s behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage. I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.

I’m in a place now where life is good and for the most part I’m happy, but I’m being asked to trust people and I don’t want to. I want to say fuck it and walk away. The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away. Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.

The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life. He has always been there for me. He has always protected me. And he has always guided me. The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm. I do not want to trust. I thought I had grown and changed and that I’d never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn. I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the support I got from Ted

I’m grateful I got home on time

I’m grateful for laughing with Cam

I’m grateful for sleeping in a cool room

I’m grateful for the weather being nice

I’m grateful for a good call with Michelle

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October 19, 2016

Deck: Fairie Tarot

First Impressions: Stuck, not moving on

Book: Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency

Guidance: Don’t try to change others, take action to move forward

Journaling

One of the things I’m realizing is that I have to drop the weight. It is literally killing me. A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don’t care if I live or die. I really need to change my attitude and ask for help. The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018 Review

I’m still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola. It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day. I’m also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones. I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc. It is a whole vicious circle. I’ve gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better. The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost. I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.

The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much. However, I’m realizing that maybe I’m not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle. However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better. I’m going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.

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September 19, 2016

Deck; Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions: The people are naked and although it is supposed to be a family, they all seem very young. The cloud by the angel is pink. The people seem to be waving to the angel. I don’t know if they are just saying hi or if there is more to it than that. This card is about a reckoning and reawakening.

Book: Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.

Guidance: Listen to your heart

Journaling

Awakening is an odd theme for the day. I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open. This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I’m not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this. There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I’m kind of afraid of what that would look like. I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.

December 22, 2017 Review

It’s been over a year since I originally wrote that and I’ve switched jobs, but am still traveling. I’m feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time. However, I’ve also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back. I don’t always do a great job of that, but it’s a lesson I do need to learn.

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May 11, 2016

Deck: Gaian Tarot

Card Name: Awakening, Pulled reversed

First Impressions: Stuck, not open to new things, reluctant to change

Journaling

Am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to trust spirit Am I so afraid that they won’t provide that I am standing in my own way? All the cards lately have been about trust and about letting go. I need to let go of the past. I need to let go of expectations. I need to trust them. I can’t control whether or not X loves me. I can’t control whether or not I get this job. I can’t control the kids and I can’t control Gateway.

Deliberate Draw: Eight of Cups

First Impressions: Saying f* it and walking away, being fed up

Book: Questing, life dragging us down, weary to the bone, empty vessels drained of our enthusiasm, heart’s yearning for deeper meaning

Guidance: Begin a spiritual quest, take time alone, be more present with your inner life

Journaling

This card just reminded me of where I’m at today as I just want to say F* it and walk away from this stupid project. Nobody is getting along and we’re not getting anything done. I truly due feel as if life is dragging me down and I am weary to the bone. However, the reality of it is that I can choose to take it personally or I can choose to let it roll off my back. I do not have to own any of the drama that is going on. I can just choose to let it all slide off my back. Managing the consultants is not my job, but when I choose to take ownership of it, I am the one that suffers because I get all swirly and I get caught up in the drama. My project manager needs to own the situation and she needs to step up to the plate and kick butt.

I just need to focus on what I need to get done and expend my energy on the things that I am responsible for. That includes capturing all the changes that Gartner created and getting them input into SharePoint and on to the Org Impact Analysis. That is what I am responsible for. I’m not responsible for what the functional team does or does not due. I am only responsible for my own little corner of the world and the sooner I remind myself of that, the better I will feel. I just need to focus on my stuff.

In my personal life, I’m doing a much better job of that and of not getting so caught up and swirly about all the stuff that is going on. I read an amazing book about the Sabbath over the weekend and it put it into context for me. it was a good reminder that the Sabbath is supposed to be a time out of time. It is all about setting aside one day to just be. To just think, pray, enjoy, and be. It is about letting go of work for a period of time and just being. I was actually able to do that this weekend and it felt really good.

Gratitudes

Phone charger fixed my issue

Yummy Poke for dinner

Wendy & Clark had a good day with the kids

Snuggles from Wendy this morning

Skyping with Cam

Flight was on time

Deliberate Draw: Seeker of Wands

First Impressions: Lazy, desert, painful

Book: Charmer and a flirt, unreliable, can bring energy if there are others to focus it

Guidance: Need for a change of scenery

Journaling

I’m not sure why this card called to me today because I know that I am not lazy and I know I need to steer my horse in the right direction. Maybe it is a reminder that everything that appears lazy is not. Most of us have been brought up to believe that sleeping late is lazy, that not working long hours is lazy, that wanting to sit and read a book instead of being outside playing is lazy. As a result of all that haranguing and complaining, I think we were all taught that to sit and take a breath and to take care of yourself is lazy, but taking care of yourself is the farthest thing from lazy that there is. Taking care of yourself is smart and means that we have a better life. Life is really all about balance I and I know that there are some people who are truly lazy, however, I also know that taking care of ourselves, sleeping enough, and doing all of those things that help us take care of ourselves are not lazy.

I was reading Sabbath today and it was an amazing book about how the Sabbath is a day set in time to relax and to take care of ourselves. We honor God and ourselves when we take time to slow down and let go of work, let go of tension, let go of anger. There is truly a need for more downtime in this world because when we have downtime we can think and dream and bring more peace to the world. I think one of the number one causes of stress in the world is not taking time to take care of ourselves. When we push ourselves so hard that there is no time for joy or wonder, we get angry, we get resentful, then we take it out on others.

Gratitudes

Dinner with Sean

Seeing Wendy smile on the way to the library

Sitting here and having peace

Feeling better

Deliberate Draw: Seer of Wands

First Impressions: Bold, doing what needs to be done

Book: Restless spirit of adolescence, ready for a change and a new challenge, frank, being daring to the point of being dangerous

Guidance: Encourage enthusiasm, nurture your own adventurous spirit

Journaling

One of the things I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that there is a tendency to play it safe as we get older. We have so much to lose. We can’t just quit our jobs and go off and do what our heart is telling us to do because we’ll lose our status, we’ll lose the time we’ve invested, we’ll lose all of that. It is so much harder to be bold when you have things that you will have to leave behind. I believe it is easier to take chances and be bold when you aren’t afraid of losing all that you’ve worked for. What I’ve been working to do is figure out how to be cautiously bold, how to move forward with the things that make me happy, while being smart about my security. It isn’t easy because my heart wants to just say F* it all, quit my job, and go back to school full time. However, as I’ve matured over the years I’ve realized that my brain gets a vote too and my vote says we need to be secure, need to pay off the bills, etc. ,etc.

In the past, I would have said F* security, I just want to be happy. However, I’ve realized that I can be secure an be happy and that moving forward with my dreams doesn’t mean leaping without a net. It may take longer to get where I want to be while working, but I will get there. Additionally, in some ways having a full time job will pursing my dreams actually helps me pursue them because all those free hotel rooms and airline points mean that I can go to conferences that I couldn’t afford if I didn’t have a full time job. When I let go of my impatience and accept that I can’t have everything I want right now, I can embrace taking the slow road. I can embrace following my dreams while still living a secure life.

I love this card because she ventures boldly out into the world without a lot of baggage, but I’m realizing that sometimes we need our baggage. Sometimes we need our ties to other people and our past.

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Pentacles

First Impressions: Goddess of plenty, grounded, transformation

Book: Loves her body, the earth, and life itself, understanding the cyclical nature of fertility, a caretaker, confidence

Guidance: Self trust is the most important quality, find your earthy qualities

Journaling

I love the reminder to find earthy qualities within myself. I am happiest when I am being true to myself and not getting caught up in things that aren’t real and honest and true. The physical world is so important, but we often neglect it as we chase after stuff that doesn’t matter. I know that I’ve been being much more critical about the stuff I acquire lately. I’ve learned that so much of the stuff we acquire is just junk or becomes junk. That’s an interesting lesson because we live in such a consumerist society where we are constantly told that the more stuff we have the better life will be, but I am coming to realize that that is not true. More stuff is just more stuff. And the truth of the matter is that no one is going to want all that crap when you die, it will just end up at goodwill.

I’m working at taking a good long look at all the stuff that I own and making decisions about what stays and what goes. I know that I need a certain amount of stuff in my life, but I don’t need all the stuff I have. I think about people in my family who have storage containers full of crap that they never use. Not only have they spent a ton of money on stuff that doesn’t matter, they’re also paying money to store all this stuff.

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Cups

First Impressions: Emotions, floating, messy

Book: Beauty, fragile, discovering self-love

Guidance: Spend time along journaling, dreaming, or exploring

Journaling:

This card fits where I am today as it is a reminder that loving myself needs to come first. I sometimes get so caught up in taking care of other people that I don’t make time for myself and when that happens I end up getting run down and cranky. However, when I take the time to love myself and take care of myself, I absolutely glow with love and I can be kind and compassionate to others. I grew up being taught that taking care of myself was selfish and that it was better to give love to others than to take time to love yourself. However, all that creates is someone who is very unhappy and resentful of the world. When I truly love and honor myself, I have energy to love other people.

I’ve also learned that the biggest way for me to honor and love myself is to set boundaries about what I will and will not do. I have learned that I need to be firm about the time I need for myself and I need to say no to things that don’t work for me. When I do that and do it in a kind and gentle way, life is way better than if I say yes and am resentful. I’ve also learned that I am someone who really needs a lot of alone time and when I make time for myself and have that alone time, I can be sociable. However, if I don’t get that alone time that is critical for me, I just feel depleted and angry.

Deliberate Draw; Seeker of Pentacles

First Impressions: Seeking knowledge, finding your way, awareness

Book: Worker bee, wanting security, working slowly and steadily toward it, sacred approach to work

Guidance: Cultivate trustworthiness

Journaling

For some reason this card reminded me of Cam. Maybe it was the green and the horses, but this card made me think of her and how hard she works toward her goals. She has had so many setbacks in her life, but she continues to get up and push forward. I am so amazingly proud of her and cannot believe she’s been in my life for 27 years. I remember so well the day she was born in the hospital on Okinawa. I had a C-section and when she was born all the nurses commented on her eyes and how blue they were. Even though life with John was hard, I would not trade my two kids for the world.

Since today is Cam’s birthday, she is on my mind and I am thinking about all the trips we’ve taken over the past 27 years and how she has bolstered me and been there for me when life has been tough. I always used to look askance at people who said their mother was their best friend, but in a lot of ways she is my best friend because she is a really good listener and she tries hard to help people when she can. She is also very smart and dedicated and works hard for what she wants.

She is also very much her grandfather’s granddaughter in her love of animals. She loves all creatures great and small and I love how excited she gets about seeing the groundhog that lives in the ravine. She squees when she sees him and she is so cute about it. Then there is her love for Clark. He really saved her in ways that no one else can and I am so glad that we have that little black dog in our lives. He is so “sassy” as Cam puts it and he has more confidence than I have every seen in a dog.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I love you.

Deliberate Draw: Sage of Pentacles

First Impressions: Wisdom, at peace with the world, power

Book: Rules with steady hand and kind heart, no need to prove himself to anyone

Guidance: Find your own stable center

Journaling

Interesting card for me to pull as I’ve been feeling very centered lately. My loving kindness practice has really helped me to be more self possessed and in control of my emotions. It has really helped me let go of the need to be loved and admired. I think the root of it is that I’ve realized that I can love and admire myself and that’s okay. I don’t need anyone else’s approval but my own and realizing that has helped me let go of clinging and needing to be with someone. I’ve realized that I am the master of my own universe and that I am responsible for my actions and there is no one else to blame or to look for for approval.

Knowing that I can make my own decisions without having to pander to anyone else’s thoughts or concerns is amazingly liberating.