Dark Goddess Tarot – Cairn by Cairn

Nine of Swords

April 29, 2020

This was an interesting card combination as I pulled it as I was thinking about how sad I was to be leaving my job and moving on and about how afraid I was that I wouldn’t do well at my new company. I literally had those thoughts, then pulled the cards. What I loved about these cards is they matched what I was feeling, but gave me a very hopeful and thoughtful message. The Nine of Swords from The LightSeer’s tarot is all about nightmares and perceiving things are a disaster when they really aren’t. This card is a reminder to set worry off to one side and focus on the positive. One of the things that I remind myself of when I’m feeling like no one will like me or I don’t know what to do, etc. is to remind myself that my new boss and my new team has an incentive to want me to succeed. They want me to do well so that they do well. They would not have hired me if they thought I was going to fail because that is way too much work for them. Everyone wants me to succeed and they are going to be rooting me the whole time. I have to remind myself of that when I start to beat myself up and think poorly of myself. I also have to remind myself that it will take a while to settle in at Nestle and that that’s okay.

Once I’ve looked at things and faced reality, the Loss card from the Journey Oracle reminds me that it really is okay to let myself grieve and let myself be sad and grieve if there is really a loss to be grieving. All the work I’ve done on grief and loss this year reminds me that it really is okay to let myself feel what I need to feel. I don’t have to be superwoman.

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September 30, 2019

Note: The last few days and tomorrow will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I’m pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet. I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I’m working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question: What is the new world that is being revealed?

First Impressions: Fears, light, not being able to sleep

Book: Worries are not real

Dark Goddess Book: Fear is getting in the way of seeing the truth

Guidance: Time will bring clarity

Dark Goddess Guidance: Separate what you wish for, what you expect, and what you dread in order to see clearly

Journaling

I’m realizing that there is a world out there where I will be able to express my fears and move on with my life. Sometimes I think it is holding in our fears that holds us back. My greatest fear is that I am fundamentally unlovable and that there is something wrong with me. However, I’m realizing through reading books like the Shadow Daughter and others that there is nothing wrong with me. I am a beautiful, loving, funny, and amazing person. It is not my fault that my mother cannot love me and treat me with the respect I deserve. That is about her and is not a fundamental flaw in who I am. Even though I’ve grown tremendously in the last few years, I’m realizing that there has always been a little piece of my soul that has believed I am unworthy of love because of how my mother raised me. However, I now know that that is not true and that she is incapable of truly loving. It makes me sad and i feel compassion for her, but at the end of the day, it is not about me at all.

Rereading her letter through grownup eyes instead of the eyes of a child helped me to realize that my perceptions are correct as the letter was all about her and about her need to have her family. It was not about us at all, instead it was about how her friends are having great grandkids so she wants great grandkids to show off. It is as if we were to be used as pawns in her game of one upmanship with her friends instead of being appreciated for who we are. That’s a cold and harsh reality and I know that there is a little part of me that wishes it wasn’t so and that hopes I’m wrong, but I’m not wrong and that is really who she is. I don’t need that in my life anymore.

The Banshee tells me to acknowledge those dark bits of my soul, but to let go of them and to know that they are fears and that I am can let go of them and let them fly off into the night like her crows.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful that Sean got home safely

I’m grateful for bundt cakes with the fam

I’m grateful that I got to Minster safely

I’m grateful for the awesome drive with the top down

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September 24, 2019

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Nightmare, being kept up at nights

Book: Truth will come with morning

Guidance: Most of our fears are illusions. Time will bring clarity

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me because I do a good job of getting myself swirly about what I think is going to happen, then I waste a lot of time worrying which makes my life more difficult. Then most of the time the thing I was worried about doesn’t even happen. I was annoyed and pissed off about the thought of having to go to Nidec, then St. Louis. Well my trip to St. Louis got postponed so I will actually get some time at home. That has happened to me so many times lately where I have worried and agonized over something that did not come to fruition.

One of the things that I need to remind myself to do is to take a deep breath when I start to get swirly. Most of the things that I worry about don’t end up happening. And even if they did end up happening, most of them are manageable anyway. And sometimes when I do drop a ball, that’s okay as most of the balls I drop are not the end of the world. Most of them are things that don’t even matter. I do keep my eyes on the big balls and the ones that matter and I work hard not to drop those balls.

One of the reasons that I’m so swirly right now is that my biggest nightmare is being stuck in this job. I’m tired of traveling and it is taking a huge toll on my life. It is hard to form relationships, I feel trapped, etc. etc. However, if that is the message that I’m putting out there, it’s no wonder that I’m miserable. I need to start asking for what I want instead of bitching about what I don’t have. Once Cam’s trial is over, I am going to start doing some major job magic.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the good sessions

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather out

I’m grateful for watching NCIS

I’m grateful that I’m employed

I’m grateful that I have peace and quiet

I’m grateful for making decisions that are in my best interests

I’m grateful that Cam is okay

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July 7, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Nightmares

Book: Nightmares, confronting our deepest fears, terrifying visions, anxiety,

Guidance: Look to your intuition for guidance

Journaling

I’ve been binge watching Anthony Bourdain lately and it has me thinking about nightmares and those thoughts that wake you in the middle of the night and convince you that you can’t go on. I’ve had my share of dark nights of the soul and there have been a lot of times that I am convinced that I can’t wake up one more morning and go about my pathetic little life. I’ve convinced myself that everyone would be better off without me, but since I’ve ended up in the hospital for those thoughts and have endured the worst of the worst, I’ve realized that life does go on and in most cases it does get better. I hold Anthony Bourdain close because he is a reminder that what people see is not always what’s real. People who may appear to the outside world as if they have it all together often don’t. They are often struggling and hurting inside and no one knows what’s going on inside their souls.

Souls can be scary places to navigate and it is often in the deepest darkest recesses of our souls that we encounter shame, guilt, and self-hatred. There are monsters in our souls and they often originated outside of ourselves in the voices of people who told us that we couldn’t do something, or that we weren’t good enough, or that we were bad, or a million other lies. If we are told such lies often enough, we begin to believe them. Those lies seep into our soul and mingle with our own traces of self doubt until they are stronger than we would like and they whisper to us in the dark of the night that we’re not worthy, that the world would be a better place without us. It doesn’t matter how smart we are, how strong we are, how competent we are as those voices in the night can convince us we are nothing.

The voices often show up during the day as well, but it is easier to ignore them in the light. It is easier to surround ourselves with people who can boost our ego and remind us that we are okay. It is easier to tally up our accomplishments and realize we matter. The sunlight shines bright light into the corners and chases away the boogeyman. However, if we don’t do the hard work of therapy and self discovery, we may not be able to drive the shadows out of our soul.

RIP Anthony Bourdain

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April 9, 2018

Deck: RWS

First Impressions: Nightmares, anxiety

Book: Despair, sorrow, nightmares, grief, death

Guidance: Prepare for the worst situation, could not have been avoided, are things as bad as they appear?

Journaling

I always view this card as a reminder that nightmares happen. It does not mean that they are reality. I need to let go of my fears and worries and focus more on what I can control. I can’t control what Darshan does, I can’t control what Gadino does. The only person I have agency over is me. I spend so much time worrying about what other people do and say when in reality there is nothing I can do to control others.

December 29, 2018

I needed this reminder today. I am all swirly over John when in reality there is nothing I can do. He is no longer my problem. His health is no longer my problem. His financial issues are no longer my problem. Absolutely nothing that he does is my problem and I need to let go and let whatever happens happens.

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November 21, 2017

Deck: Gilded tarot

First Impressions: Nightmares

Book: Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems

Guidance: Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

I need to hear this reading about asking for help. I don’t do such a god job of asking for help. I tend to hold things in and not let other people in. The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken. The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it. I spewed because this pain was horrible. However, as I’ve healed, I’ve receded into myself. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I’m not a recluse and it is not as if I’ve been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out. I go out and I interact, but I’m standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.

November 25, 2017

I need to make some time for me. I am so caught in in Cam that I’m not taking care of me. I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess’ hand. I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight. If I don’t make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful. I also need to let go and trust.

November 9, 2018

It’s so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again. I need to start trusting people and letting them in. I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in. This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people. I’m really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.

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November 8, 2017

Deck; Gilded tarot

First Impressions: Nightmares

Book: Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance: Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people. I reached out to the UU’s stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me. Not one of the people reached out to say, “Hope your daughter is okay.” Instead they just harassed me and were rude. Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way. What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt? I would have said I’m sorry and asked what I could do. However, not one of those bitches did that. I don’t want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it. It isn’t that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I’m getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true. My daughter was abducted and assaulted. There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead. Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.

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December 12, 2017

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck: Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds. When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that’s what this card makes me think of. In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her. This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book: If you would known, do not fear to see. Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries. She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance: Do not give fears a priority when making a decision. Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today. Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the “I’m fired” path. That makes no sense at all because I’ve been billable and we’re gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went. I’m learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do. I’m so mean to myself even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am. I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

Stop what I’m doing and breathe
Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
Roll with the situation and see what comes of it

December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that’s something easy I can remember. I’ve come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I’m not there yet. The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I’ve felt. Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can’t react or I won’t have a job. It’s one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I’m no longer in an abusive relationship. It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault. I’m learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way. It is all a process and the best thing is that I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

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April 24, 2016

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Deck: Gaian tarot

Journaling:

The nine of air is a card of deep sorrow and grieving. As my physical strength has been stripped away, I find I have no energy for pretense or illusion. There is a deep grief at the core of my being: grief over my desire for happily ever after, grief over the fact that I am alone.

This card is about all that binds me to the past. It is also about trusting that she will take care of me. It is about letting go and being willing to sacrifice my dreams. That’s hard for me as I’m scared of being alone and I feel my life isn’t valuable if I’m alone. However, the flip side is that I am so afraid of being hurt that I don’t let people in. Even though it is lonely, it is so much easier to hold people at arm’s length then to let them in. I guess I just have to trust the goddess.

December 24, 2017

This card still resonates with me as I find myself clinging to the old ways of doing things and my old thought patterns. She has appeared to me multiple times to tell me to let go and I have started to let go, but sometimes when I get scared or stressed, I start clinging to things that I shouldn’t cling to.

What is being sacrificed

Note: Yesterday, today, and the next three days will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I’m pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet. I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I’m working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question: What is being sacrificed?

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Union, happiness

Dark Goddess First Impressions: Oh no, how can I be sacrificing love

Book: Linked in a union of love, two hearts complimenting one another

Dark Goddess Book: Faithless love, sacrificing yourself, eternal desire

Guidance: Celebrate love

Dark Goddess Tarot

Dark Goddess Guidance: Allow yourself to yearn deeply, be honest with yourself about what you love, open your heart, release expectation

Journaling

My initial reading of this was that I was being asked to sacrifice my desire for love which sent me into a very dark place as it made me feel that the gods were telling me that I was not worthy of love. However, I also know that this is a very touchy subject for me and that I had to sit with the card for a bit and figure out what it was trying to to tell me. As I’ve reflected and meditated on this card over the last few days, I’m realizing that what I’m being asked to sacrifice is not my desire for love, but the walls that I’ve put up to keep me from opening my heart to love. I look around my office / meditation room which has goddess art on the walls and is where I am most at home and I realize when I look at the book piled around that I’ve barricaded myself and put up so many barriers to protect my heart that there is no way in the current circumstances I can truly be open to love. And it isn’t just the physical barriers either, I’ve also got a crazy job that keeps me way too busy and I’m in school so there is no time for love.

Lorelei asks me to be honest with myself about I yearn for and what I want in my life and I’m realizing that I need to define what I want in order to define it. I spent the first 50 years of my life believing that I was nothing if I was not in a relationship and I’ve spent the last three years realizing that I am pretty amazing by myself and that I do not need someone else to validate my right to exist. However, with the realization that I’m okay just the way I am has come a fear of losing that self love by entering into a relationship. My marriage was disastrous and in some ways I lost my soul and I am terrified of that happening again. I do not think I could survive.

Interestingly enough, a few days before I drew this card, I pulled the Two of Swords from Tarot de St. Croix and the message there was all about putting down my swords and opening my heart. Those are difficult messages for me as I’m really afraid of being hurt and the only surefire way that I know to protect myself is to keep my shields up. However, that keeps me trapped in the eight of swords prison and that’s not where I want to be.

Gratiudes

I’m grateful for getting my paper done

I’m grateful for having a low key day

I’m grateful for getting a small walk in

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather

I’m grateful for the good weekend with Cam

New Moon Spread

This spread was done based on a spread by Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s spread for Chantico the Goddess of the month. Chantico is the goddess of the heart and the defender of the home. She is a sun goddess and represents the nine of wands.

What is the Source of Your Inner Fire?
The source of my fire is the Red Dakini (Eight of Fire). Interestingly enough the eight of wands was the card that I chose for today as it said fireworks to me and moving fast. The Red Dakini’s message is that it is okay to follow impossible dreams and believe in things that on the surface would not seem to be possible. The Red Dakini is all about change and moving from one level to another. What is interesting is that as I pursue my degree and open myself up to the possibilities of what lays beyond, I find myself so much more confident and feeling in control of my life. I feel that I am moving with more grace and as a woman who knows her worth. That is an amazing change that has come over me. I also find myself knowing with deep certainty that my perfect love will come to me.

How do you use this Fire?
Tsonokwa (six of earth) tells me to give of myself and my wealth and to give freely. The knowledge
and skills I am gaining are to be shared with others and not just stockpiled. Tsonokwa also tells me to be courageous as I move forward. This is so interesting because my increased confidence is also helping me to move forward with courage. In the past, I would have said no to going back to school because of the cost or because I could see no practical way to use my degree, but my guides are telling me that I am on the right path. I still have no idea where it will lead me, but I know I am being cared for and led and that saying yes is the right thing to do. I’m also receiving the message that I need to also take care of myself. I will be taken care of, but part of being taken care of is knowing what I need to take care of myself.

What protection does your fire need?
Dhomanavati (Hag of Air) tells me that my fire needs protection from illusion and from those who would put me down and not respect me. She tells me to know I am enough all by myself and that I do not need approval from society. I do not need someone else in my life as I am capable of taking care of myself. However, she also tells me that it is not wrong to want someone in my life for companionship and fun. I need to be cautious of assuming that I need someone else to take care of me. I need to let go of what society tells me and listen to my own heart. I also need to let go of those things that no longer serve me.

What Fuel does your fire need?
Erinye (Ten of Air) tells me that the time to be fueled by righteous indignation is past and that it is time to surrender and be led by the fates. I love this as I am finally starting to feel that I am finding my balance between being proactive and taking control of my life and letting the fates guide me. The lesson they gave me in Sedona eight years ago is one of the most amazing lessons I’ve ever been given. Living Cairn by Cairn reminds me to look for the next right action and when I’ve taken that step to look for the next one. It is an interesting way to live, but it does help stop me from excessively planning and being so caught up in planning my next move that I don’t enjoy the present moment. I’m not perfect yet, but I am definitely moving in the right direction.

What is being transformed within you?
Oh Circe (Three of Fire), you have such wisdom for me for you are all about transformation. You are reminding me of the importance of my creativity and expressing it in all forms and in all aspects of my life. My creativity is about the flowers I put on the table as well as the creative words I write. You’re also reminding me to dress for power and to integrate all aspects of my life. That’s interesting for me as I deliberately chose to put my little love altar in my workspace instead of my bedroom or creating a separate altar because I wanted the reminder that love needs to be part of my entire life and not segregated into a specific area. It made sense to put it on my work altar as that is where I spend the most time when I’m home and that is where I would be most likely to see it on a regular basis.

Overall, this was a pretty interesting reading as it summed up the fact that I am becoming an independent woman who has the confidence and the wherewithal to live life on my own terms.

Dark Goddess Calleach Spread

Note: This spread came from Ellen Lorenzi Prince who is the creator of the Dark Goddess Tarot. All images in this reading are from the Dark Goddess Tarot and are copyright Ellen Lorenzi Prince.

Dearest Cailleach, Goddess of Winter, Creator of Mountains,

I ask you to give me the gift of site, to see the bigger picture, and not get mired down in the details. I ask that you help me to see where I am being led and how to use my talents to better the lives of those around me. I ask that you help me see and manifest my destiny.

Blessings,
Raine

Tell Me of Resources–Ace of Earth (Gaia)
The DGT always comes up with the perfect answer and Gaia tells me that I need to honor the resources that I have and not squander them. The resources I am gifted with our my intelligence, the opportunity to go to school, my creativity, and the job that funds my opportunities. I sometimes get frustrated about work, but it is a resource that it has and I am also paid a lot of money to do something that challenges me and teaches me a lot. I sometimes take work for granted or dismiss it, but it is a resource and it is important that I honor it and value it. Gaia also tells me that I need to connect with nature on a regular basis, which means taking time to sit in the sun, to connect with my rocks and to generally make time to just be with the world around me and let all of my senses take in the wisdom of the earth. I always like to think that my brain is my only source of knowledge, but that isn’t true, my heart and connection to nature is also a way to connect with the greater world around me.

Tell Me of Progress–Five of Air (Harianago)
Hariango is not a Goddess that I have worked with, but interestingly enough the Five of Swords is a card that caught my eye and called to me in another deck and served as a reminder to let go of my need to compete with my ex husband. Hariango is telling me that I need to trust my instincts around people and not believe everything that I am told. If I believe everything that I am told, I risk setting back my own efforts. I also need to focus on my path forward and not focus on revenge or playing petty games. This is amazingly good advice because I sometimes get focused on things that I should have let go of. The image that I am getting is of running a race and instead of looking straight ahead, I am focused on the runner who is five steps behind me and this means I end up tripping over my own feet. If I keep my eyes straight ahead and focus on my prize instead of competing with someone else, I will win my own race and be the best me that I can be.

Tell me of Endurance–Sovereignty (The Morrigan)
The Morrigan is reminding me that I am my own Queen. I do not need to get my power from anyone else and that by being my own queen and maintaining my own Sovereignty, I will move power. There is also a teasingly interesting note in this reading that says, “Do not ignore an opportunity for your power to grow and your power to solidify.” That is telling me that what I want to do is right and true and that I am the person to do it. I need to take all of these lessons that I am learning from so many other people and move forward with them to create my own destiny. I should not rely on others for my destiny, but should create it myself.

This was an incredible reading that reminded me to marshal my

Destruction

Destruction
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I love the red fringe hanging over Kali, although I’m not sure if it is fire raining down on her or fire she has conjured. I see her as severing heads and moving forward.

Book: All the world changes, necklace of skulls and skirt of limbs, beloved by people as she allows them to move beyond fear.

Guidance: Pray that Kali will be kind, illusions will be shattered, ride it out as best you can, do not evade dealing with something difficult

Journaling:

There are a couple of difficult things that I am dealing with at work. The first is not being 100% dedicated to a project and billable. However, feeling insecure does not mean I am on unstable ground. It is a feeling and not necessarily a fact. Building new things always brings with it a period of adjustment, of change, and of growth. Going through change does not mean that things will not work out. It just provides opportunities for good things to flow into my life.

I also need to accept that something I’ve really wanted in my life is an illusion and is not going to happen. The one thing I have come to realize about this situation is that it really isn’t about me. Just because someone is not in a position to do something, does not mean I am unlovable or unworthy. It really is not personal and has nothing to do with me. The good thing is that this realization doesn’t shatter me or even make me sad and that makes me happy.

January 13, 2018

Despite the fact that I deal with change everyday at work, it is still not something I truly enjoy. I especially hate the destructive aspects of change because it hurts and is painful. My divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me as it allowed me to become more truly myself, but it was also the hardest thing that ever happened to me. I was stripped to the bone and there were times when it felt as if I would never recover. However, it also allowed me to rebuild myself and to become a better and stronger person.

Witch of Air

Witch of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I love the swirling colors on this card and how there is really an impression that the wind is blowing and life is swirling all around. This card tells me that the winds of change are blowing.

Book: Tear the veil between the worlds and anything can happen, riding storms into battle, bringing change to all she touches, destruction, carrying the power of the wind

Guidance: Your power is great during this time of upheaval, power comes from knowing your heart and soul

Journaling:

I love the message of Oya, especially as I sit here listening to the wind howling. It feels like a time of transition. The world is changing and I can choose to move with it or to resist and be blown apart. One of the lesson I’m feeling is that Oya flows back and forth, she doesn’t just move in one direction.

I know there are times I need to move backward to take a step forward, but the step backward doesn’t have to be really far as sometimes just one step back can really help us to gain perspective. As I sit and listen to the cold wind blow, I’m realizing the other lesson from Oya’s world: She blows away that which is no longer needed The leaves are blowing off the trees now because they are no longer needed, but the snow stays put as it is needed to help the planet grow.

What needs to blow away in my life to reveal the bones of the matter? What is important to me? What needs to stay?

January 20, 2018

Dearest Oya,

Goddess of Change, Goddess of the Marketplace, please help me to see what I need to let go of and help me to be the person I need to be. Please help me to let go of that which no longer serves me.

Blessings,
Raine

Ten of Earth

Ten of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: My first impressions of Ala are that she is stiff and statue like and is not interacting with her people. She also is very much a goddess of fertility with the prominent breasts and the design painted on her stomach.

Book: Kin and Kind, living and dead are all part of one another, totality of the earth in all its variety and appearances, Goddess of morality and judgement, keeper of customs and laws.

Guidance: Let relationships go as needed, do not seek vengeance, celebrate good fortune, celebrate those whose work you admire, keep and renew your relationship with the earth

Journaling:

This reading hits where I’m at today about the need to let go of people without vengeance. It is about shedding the ties that no longer should be binding us. My tie to John is a big one as he hurt me badly. I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed we were sleeping together and he made an amorous advance. Initially, I responded to him, but then my dream rewound and I asked him if he loved me or if I was just convenient. When he didn’t respond, I knew everything I needed to know. This helped me to realize that our issues were not all about me and that he really does see women as objects.

January 20, 2018

As I read this, I’m realizing that my relationship with the earth also needs to include my relationship with my body. This was an incredibly hard week and I lost my connection to both the earth and myself. I spent most of my week in my head dealing with issues and lost track of the world around me. I didn’t make time to go to the ocean or to ground myself and I’m paying the price. This week may be just as insane, but I need to make time to ground and take care of myself.

Seven of Fire

Seven of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I love this card because it makes me think of being a bad ass and taking charge. The colors and background are so simple, but very profound.

Book: Rise up or the demon’s win, Gods invoke Durga through their combined powers, tiger representing her unlimited powers, working to protect people from misery

Guidance: Know which weapon to use for the fight, know you ground and your position and make a stand, identify your personal demons, do not give up something because it is hard. It will be accomplished if you keep trying

Journaling

I really love the messages in this card, especially around knowing your demons. My personal demons are low self esteem and feeling as if I always have to buy people’s friendship. I get caught up in thinking that if I do nice things for people then they will like e and I’ve always been that way. I remember back in high school buying gifts so guys would like e. And I did the same thing with John. I thought if I bought him things he would stay. I’ve learned that if people don’t like me for who I am, than that is their loss, but people pleasing is still part of who I am.

My other demon is sugar and it is killing me, but I don’t know how to stop.

Messages from my Guides

Yes, you do! Decide to stop. Find a substitute and be done with it. Yes the first few days will be hard, but it is either do this or do drugs and feel the medical industry. You are tough and strong. You can do this.

January 9, 2018

Today was about kicking ass and taking names. I am fed up with bullshit excuses for not doing your job. I’m fed up with people not fucking reading emails and expecting things to be spoon fed. I very clearly said in my email that it was for standard training material. I was a bitch today and it kind of felt good. I’m tired of being nice as it feels like everyone walks all over me when I’m nice.

However, when I take a step back and look at things from a different perspective, I realize that everyone is

Six of Fire

Six of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: Epona seems to be the exalted one sitting side saddle on her horse above the other horses. She also strikes me as lonely without any other humans for company.

Book: Succeed on the strength of your alliances, the great mare is the source of fertility of the land, Epona provides for her people in death and life, Epona is also night mare who appears in dreams

Guidance: Hang a horse shoe to bring blessings, make progress day by day on a task until it is done, let people help you, Know what prosperity means to you, enjoy your moment in the sun.

Journaling:

I really like the reminder on this card to know when enough is enough. Sometimes, I get so caught up in having it all that I forget to be content with the simple things in life. We are snowed in today and part of me wants to rush to have the driveway plowed, but there is another part of me that is content to just sit and watch the snow fall. There is absolutely no where that we need to be today. I can take some time and smudge the house and do some cleansing, but there is nothing that truly needs to be done today.

It makes me wonder how often I rush to do things just because instead of sitting and enjoying what is. It is actually hard sitting here and watching the snow fall instead of rushing about. The one thing that I should do is to go out and shove the walk for the mail man if he hasn’t come yet.

I have been gifted with so much in life. I have a beautiful home, I live in a safe neighborhood, I have food to eat, I have people in my life who love me. It is amazing how when you really take time to count your blessings all the old shit doesn’t seem as important. I’m not quite at the point where I can wish my mother and John happy and wonderful lives, but I can wish that they find peace and find healing.

I’m realizing that having peace within ourselves is the most important thing in the world as when we have peace within ourselves we are not frantically searching for someone or something. I wonder if every person on earth had peace within their soul if we would have peace on earth. Is peace something we can teach? Can we teach kids to find that place within themselves when they actually like and accept themselves or is that too much to ask?

January 3, 2018

It is amazing how actually taking the time to reflect on what I’ve written can improve my mood. I’ve been in a crappy mood all day for some unknown reason. I think it may be that our client is choosing to reduce hours and I’m a little freaked out about it. My fears about not having a job and being laid off are rising up and overwhelming me today. However, that is just Frankie Fear talking as in reality, nothing has changed since before the holidays. I knew that the client wanted to reduce the hours, but seeing my hours on the project go to 5 a week is a little scary. I know there are a couple of other things in the works, but right now I’m freaked.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to say F* you to Frankie Fear. Help me to realize that I will always be taken care of and that I am being guided. Please help me to remember that I have always been taken care of and that my needs have always been met.

Blessings, Raine

Wow! It is absolutely amazing how fast our guides work when we are open to guidance. As I was writing this, I got a Facebook alert and there was a sponsored post for an article called “Nightmare Medicine: How to Transform Fears into Power and Clarity.” Although the article specifically dealt with entering your nightmares (maybe chasing away Frankie Fear?) and confronting our fears, there were pointers and tips that I could use to vanquish my waking fears as well.

And if that wasn’t enough to convince me that I am being taken care of, I logged into IHG to book my son a hotel as I get the member discounts and after I’d booked his hotel, I found I was eligible to get 25,000 points, which equates to one free night in a hotel, just for clicking a button. I’ve been on the fence about going to the North Star Tarot Conference and the 25K points has pushed me toward taking a leap of faith and signing up.

Siren of Earth

Siren of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I don’t like this card at first glance because it looks as if her face is on her ass. However, when I look more closely, I realize her face is on her stomach as it is about the bawdy and wonderful things that Baubo does. My initial thoughts on this were thinking with other parts of our body than our heads.

Book: This is the life in the belly: raw, ridiculous, sublime; Goddess of the belly laugh, power of laughter to activate the power of creativity. This is the time for feminine renewal and sexuality

Guidance: Laugh and smile deliberately, explore your body, explore physicality, be outlandish

Journaling:

I love the reminder to be bawdy and explore my uncivilized self. I’m not sure how I feel about being in the company of women as that’s always been disappointing for me. I’ve never been comfortable with women. I feel relations with women are stilted and as if they don’t get me. I’ve always been much more comfortable with men. Of course, today it is much too cold to be bawdy about anything! The wood room is freezing and I don’t know if I’ll ever be warm!

January 2, 2018

It’s interesting as I reflect on this as to why this card makes me really uncomfortable and it goes back to a lot of interactions with other women. Oddly, in these interactions I was the prude:

When I was a preteen or a young teenager we were at my Grandmother Babcock’s house making butter and she said something about not getting pregnant by holding a pill between my legs. At the time, I had no clue what she was talking about, but it made me uncomfortable.
My mother was talking to a friend while I was in the backseat of the car when I was 10 or so and she said something about my dad reaching for her breast and grabbing a roll of fat instead. That made me incredibly uncomfortable.
When John and I were first dating, we went to Joan and George’s and Vicky and Joyce were talking about my breasts and how they had kept growing. That was so awkward and made me uncomfortable, but when I protested I was told I was too sensitive.

In my mind all three of these interactions were really inappropriate and made me feel uncomfortable. I have no problem making impersonal bawdy comments, but two of these were directed at me and the third was by my mother…ick. John also made me uncomfortable because he’d have really inappropriate conversations with the kids and when I asked him to stop, he refused and told me I was too sensitive.

What I’m realizing this as I read this is that I’m not really a prude and I don’t necessarily think other women are prudes, but I want agency over bawdy conversations and I want my feelings to be listened to and to not be told I’m too sensitive or that I need to lighten up.

Wow! Pretty incredible what the cards tell us when we pay attention and listen.