Daily Draw – Page 4 – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: Page of Wands

First Impressions: Enthusiasm, starting something

Book: Threshold of a newly inspired direction, opportunity to discover potential, embark on self development, creative, enthusiastic, confident

Guidance: Be Bold, Be Magical

May 25, 2018

Another day that I didn’t journal. Things must have been pretty intense or I wasn’t feeling well if I didn’t make time to journal. Even though I didn’t know it when I pulled this card, I was at the beginning of a new adventure and creating my own life.

I was creating my exit from Chicago and in some ways the job i landed at itelligence came out of my putting it out there to the universe that I was ready to leave Chicago. The Gods heard that and created a pathway for that to happen. The one thing I don’t understand is why they have not yet created a pathway for love. I have been pretty vocal about that being what I want to manifest in life, but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure what I would have to do to manifest it.

The only guidance they keep giving me is to be patient. That is hard guidance for me to follow, but I know in my heart it is the right guidance and I know in my heart that it will work out.

Daily Draw: Queen of Cups

First Impressions: Emotional fulfillment, happiness

Book: Nurturing, warm, tender, sympathetic, intuitive, strong people skills, charisma, over thinking, over protective

Guidance: Nurture yourself, trust your intuition, pull back from our emotions and do not let yourself drown in them

Journaling

I was able to step back and look at my emotions without getting bogged down in them. I’m learning that sometimes the most important thing I can do for myself is to acknowledge what I’m feeling. I spend so much time wearing a mask and pretending that life is okay but when I am truly honest with myself, I’m able to have the feelings and let them go without holding on to them. I was able to I was scared without fear or shame and that was huge.

May 25, 2018

I have become so much better at nurturing myself and being kind to myself when I am feeling sad or lonely. Before I was all about beating myself and berating myself for having “negative” emotions, however the more I have distanced myself from my mother and the more I have worked to find compassion for myself, the more I am able to accept all of who I am without judging myself. That’s not to say it isn’t easy or that there are not days when I don’t still beat myself up, but mostly I’m able to take a step back and say that it is okay and love myself. I’m realizing that at the end of the day, the only person I truly will always have in my life is me and that I need to be kind to myself.

Two of Pentacles

Two of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks. There are boats in the background. The boy has his eyes closed. Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks. This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book: Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance: Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don’t lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull and to meditate on. The message that I’m getting is that sometimes I’m juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of. There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention. One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway. I’ve said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens. There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I’ve gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren’t worth my time and energy. Worry is one ball that I’ve been working hard to let go of. There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn’t help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop. I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens. I’ve spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go. That’s a big part of the reason that I’ve been working to let go of Chicago. Going back there keeps me entangled and that’s not healthy for me. What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John. I really do hate him for what he’s done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me. He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is. I just need to let go

Three of Cups

Three of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: There are apples and berries growing on the trees. The three girls are close together as if they are sharing secrets. There is a tassel or a broom on the girl on the right. This card makes me think of friendship, fulfillment, and happiness.

Book: Celebration, jubilation, merriment, sincere allies who wish the seeker well, playful affection.

Guidance: Draw on the energy of the earth. Take time to enjoy friendships.

Journaling:

Ironic card to pull when I am feeling friendless and mired in loneliness. It just hurts to think about people having friends when I’m mired in this stupid half life where it feels my life has no joy and no meaning. I don’t even know how to get where I want to be. I do know that I have to set better boundaries to get out of Chicago.

December 23, 2017

It’s over a year later and I still don’t have friends, but I’m realizing I crave my alone time and I’m not really ready to give that up to have friends. I tried by joining the church, but that just all seems so fake and like the people are not very nice. I was so hurt when I wasn’t able to make the first session and I said that I couldn’t go because my daughter had a minor car accident and no one took the time to send me a message and say I’m sorry. I thought that was so cold and incredibly bitchy. And now they’re calling and saying, “we don’t think you’re interested, etc., etc.” Of course they’re right because why would I want to hang out with people who have no compassion?

King of Swords

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment. He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land. I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak. He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle. The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was. It doesn’t mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother. I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before. I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me. There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself. However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her. That’s something she has to want and to work for herself. However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

Ten of Rods

Ten of Rods
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: These bundles look joyous as they are tied with a red ribbon. The man is elderly and has red and gold on his cloak. It may be autumn as the hills in the distance are purple and orange. This card usually speaks to me of trying to do too much or carrying burdens that are not my own, but the joyousness in this card is throwing me.

Book: Overburdened, bent on self sacrifice, taking on others burdens, overworked, overburdened, cannot see the path ahead.

Guidance: Set better boundaries, do not take on other people’s stuff.

Journaling:

This was exactly the card I needed to pull today. Gateway is being their usual moronic selves. They are making decisions with no input from anyone, then are confused when things blow up in their faces. However, at the end of the day all of this is their bullshit and I’m not responsible for their decisions. Unfortunately, even though I know intellectually it is their bullshit, I am taking it on and feeling responsibility.

I think I have to repeat to myself over and over, “It’s not mine, none of it is mine, it is not about me. All of this is about them and their bad decision making. I just need to let it go and accept that they are crazy.”

December 23, 2017

Working at Gateway was actually a really good experience for me as I got to experience codependency from the outside looking in. It was amazing to me how this organization that is dedicated to battling addiction exhibits so much codependent behavior. They constantly took on insanity that wasn’t theirs and thought they could fix, manage, and control things that were unfixable.

In retrospect, it also gave me a glimpse into how really good people could behave in such crazy ways. It truly helped me to gain compassion for those, including myself, who make seemingly crazy decisions because they’re driven by codependency.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn over the past year is that I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings but my own. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I get to say mean things and not apologize, but it does mean that I need to make decisions that are in my own best interests and if other people don’t like them, too bad. I made the decision not to talk to my mother because being around her is not in my best interests. I know that hurt her, but I explained my decision and she has made the choice not to change her behavior. Once she made that decision, there was nothing else I could do expect gracefully step away. It is hard and there are a lot of days when I wish I had a big family to hang out with, but my

Two of Water (Reversed)

Two of Cups
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This is a card of unconditional love. I love how she is hugging her dog, you can totally feel the love coming off of both of them. As this card is reversed, it is talking to me of love withheld.

Journaling:

Again I’m getting a card about ending relationships and about co-dependency. I know it is time to let go of a X and move on. He’s pulled away and it is time for me to let go and accept that it isn’t going to happen. The sad thing is that I really miss his friendship. I miss having someone in my life who knows me that well.

Even if there may be a time in the future when we are meant to be together, that time is not now. Now is the time to open my heart to love and ask the universe for guidance as to what I want in a relationship. It is time open my heart and manifest the relationship that is right for me.

It is also the time to let go of my anger at my mother. She is who she is and I cannot change her. I don’t want to say she is incapable of learning and /or growing, but at the end of the day it is not my problem. I have to accept her as she is and choose what our relationship looks like. I tried to let her into my life on a limited basis and she chose to break that trust. Maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective: I chose to cut her out of my life because it was the best choice for me, just like John chose to walk away because it was the best choice for him.

December 29, 2017

The end of my marriage still bothers me a lot and the farther away I get and the more able I am to put things into perspective, I realize that it doesn’t bother me that it ended, it bothers me the way it ended and that John treated me with such disrespect. He told the kids before me, he didn’t help move out or settle the house, he expected me to just live there by myself. However, as I told Cam about something else today, when people treat you like crap that is all about them! It shows that he is a totally crappy person with no manners and he is not someone I need in my life.

The very best lesson I learned from my marriage is that I deserve respect and that if someone does not treat me with respect, they are not in my life for long.

Five of Fire (Reversed)

Five of Fire
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This is a card of taking chances and of danger. Reversed, it may be about playing it safe.

Journaling:

I’m going to be really honest and say that when I pulled this card, I did not want to write about it because frankly I’m tired of writing about anger, disappointment, fear, and all these other painful emotions. I’m tired of sorting through that nastiness. I’m ready to move on and be happy. However, every time I think I’m ready to move on, the crap reaches up from where I think I’ve buried it. I’ve worked so hard to move on, but today was full of triggers from losing files that I needed to having to deal with other people’s emotional baggage.

December 29, 2017

The one thing that strikes me as I read this is that I have a choice to be triggered or not. I can choose to take on other people’s emotional baggage or I can choose to put on a teflon coat and not take on other people’s junk. That’s a choice I make. One of the best lessons I ever learned from Al-Anon is about not getting mired down in other people’s garbage. If someone is having a bad day, I can offer sympathy or support, but I don’t have to take on their junk. I’m not always wonderful at it, but I’m getting a lot better.

Child of Air (Reversed)

Child of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card has such a sense of innocence about it as the girl is surrounded by butterflies as she stands in the clouds. One of the things I did not notice until just now is that the butterflies are in the shape of an S. As I drew this card reversed, it tells me that I am tuned out.

Book: Afraid to explore new ideas or make changes because of critical voices, banish negative thoughts

Journaling

Not being attuned to the messages around me. Not being in communication with the universe. Since this card is reversed, it could also symbolize the heavy weight of grief weighing me down again. There are days I feel as if I am just mired in grief.

This is another card that is telling me that I need to heal and move on, but the question is how do I heal and move on as I have done so much healing work. However, I feel this is the final push through the grief and letting go. I need to make one last push to let go of it all.

December 29, 2017

Wow! This was profound as I really feel as if Tarot has been the final spiritual practice that has pushed me to grow and let go of all the garbage. What Tarot does for me is that it engages both my intuition and my logic. Reading the meanings is about logic, but because the readings engage my brain, they free up my intuition to make their own connections. I also think that actually having a daily practice where I’ve committed to pulling a card and journaling every single day helps. I know that I will put myself out there day after day.

I’ve also come to accept that there are always going to be days where I feel stuck, sad, grief-stricken, etc. However, I can choose to acknowledge those feelings and use logic if they aren’t rooted in logic to help me move past those feelings. I also need to make up my decisions with real world actions and I’ve been starting to do that more and more. I really really wanted to go to Chicago for my birthday, but I knew that would mean meeting X for lunch and having a reading and those things would have drug me right back into my obsession. Deliberately choosing not to go to Chicago meant I got to keep my distance. Although, I still miss the food as Mexican food really sucks in the CLE.

Child of Earth

Child of Earth
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card is a card of innocence. I love how big the apple is compared to the child’s hands and how he looks so studious. This card makes me think of intensity, protection, a child’s heart, contemplation, innocence, and being aware

Journaling:

Exploring the earth, happiness, being attuned to my intuition and divine wisdom and knowing in my soul what makes me happy. Letting go of pretenses. I know what would make me happy: coming home every night.

May 8, 2016

This card is about exploring, but it is also about innocence and trusting the universe to provide. Maybe I need to trust the universe to provide what I need and to quit trying to control everything.

January 2, 2018

As I reflect on the almost two years since I pulled this card, I’m realizing that the message was to get tuned into earth and to let go of all the crap that has built up in my soul and is keeping me separated from my intuition and from my innocence. It is innocence that helps us reclaim our connection to the divine by eliminating all the doubts and fears that keep us from believing that there is something bigger than ourselves out there. When we are able to let go of that fear and find the happiness within our soul, we can find that divine spark within ourselves and within others.