Tag: Daily Draw

Witch of Water

Witch of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  I’m filled with deep despair as I look at this card.  She appears so alone and so lonely.

Book:  Every situation ends in the sea, there to use anew, salt water, purification

Guidance:  Demonstrate your ethics and beliefs on a regular basis, look beyond form to essence, purify

Journaling:

As I reflect on this card, the image I get is of a water witch creating a water sprite.  I’m reminded of the amazing power water has to both create and destroy.  Water is one of the most compelling things because of its changing nature.  However, as I reflect on this, I realize that wind and fire have the same qualities as they can be soft or hellacious.  It seems that only earth is solid all the time.

December 18, 2017

I feel the power of water moving through me lately.  It is fluid and dynamic and helps to clear away that which no longer serves me.

December 27, 2017

There have been times lately where I have truly felt stuck by what is going around in my life.  I’ve felt trapped and as if things will never change.  However, right now I feel as if amazing things are right around the corner and my job is to be fluid and dynamic and be open to change.  I’m not always very open to change, but right now I feel like it will all bring good things.

Five of Earth

Five of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Demeter is so sad and desolate on this card.  I feel the barrenness of the earth as if all of the life has been taken away.  This is definitely a card of loss and the need to come in from the cold.  There is a different kind of barrenness outside my window today as it is cold and snowy and the darkness is creeping over the world even though it is just 4 pm.

Book:  Give no part of yourself to that which does not sustain you.

Guidance:  Accept the fallow times as part of the cycle, release expectation

Journaling:

I love and needed to hear the messages of this card today.  I am so impatient that I fail to see all the wonders around me.  I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day that I often forget that the best things in life take time.  Demeter also reminds me of the importance of taking time to mourn and be still within myself.

December 13, 2017

Although it wasn’t the main plot line on NCIS NOLA last night, the interplay between Dwayne and his dad was meaningful to me.  The idea of being free of a parent is so liberating.  I think I have been trying so hard to be the “modern woman” that I’ve forgotten you can have love and a career.  Interesting that this is all coming up around Demeter, who lost herself in grief for her daughter.

December 18, 2017

All I need to do is to be myself.  I don’t need to make up for anything or to prove anything to anyone.  I just need to be me.

December 27, 2017

The message that all I need to do is be myself is so powerful and it is a lesson that I desperately needed to hear.  I get so caught up in trying to live up to other people’s expectations that I forget that I just need to live life for me.  I think that is why I am so adamant that my blog is mine and mine alone.  It is not meant to be a place of wisdom for other people, although I am always willing to freely share what I have learned. 

Daily Draw: Ace of Swords

First Impressions:  Cut through the bullshit

Book:  Gift of the sword is intellect, powerful and dangerous words can heal or hurt

Guidance:  Use the gift of thought well, to see the world clearly, to communicate well, be aware of having a sharp tongue

Journaling

I love the meaning of this card and the reminder that logic can cut both ways.  I can think my way into  box when I only look at cold, hard facts.  I have learned that to see the whole picture, I have to use both logic and emotion. 

My brain tells me that it will never happen and that I should move on.  My heart tells me a different story.  My heart tells me it will happen and I need to continue to believe.  For now, I’m going to continue to believe my heart. 

November 20, 2017

The ace of swords cuts through bullshit.  This is a great card to pull when life seems murky and there is a need to step back and review.  This is also a great card to pull when you need to cut ties with someone.

November 8, 2018

Interesting read on this card as it is about using logic and about cutting ties.  I’m finally at that place where I’m ready to cut ties.  My feelings for him served a very useful purpose in my life, but I’m finally feeling strong enough to move on and be my own self.  If I put as much love and energy into my life as i do into that pursuit, I will have a kick ass life.

Daily Draw: Seven of Swords

First Impressions:  Being sneaky

Book:  Actions have consequences

Guidance:  Review your plan and reconsider if it seems fool hardy

Journaling

I’m not sure that I agree that the actions of this gentleman were foolhardy.  Sometimes we have to take bold actions and break the rules.  I think this card is also a reminder that there are consequences, but that sometimes the consequences are worth it.

November 20, 2017
There are consequences, but sometimes the sneaky acts that are seen as deceptive are worth it.  How do we know that he the people he is “stealing” from, did not take something from him first.

October 26, 2018

My understanding of this card has continued to evolve and I still view it as taking back something that was taken from us.  There are times in life when we have to reclaim what is ours and there are times when we cannot make a full frontal attack, but we need to be sneaking and deceptive because the person holding it does not want to give it back to us.

Eight of Water

Eight of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Sedna is always a goddess of deep despair for me based on her story.  She is a powerful goddess who withholds animals from the Inuit unless they confess their taboos and appease her.  She always strikes me as cold and unfeeling as if the trauma that her father put her through (cutting off her fingers) left her permanently devoid of compassion.

Book:  Going deep is not an easy task, let it be worthwhile.  Sedna reigns in the deep dark oceans, past the place of final breath.  Sedna was betrayed by one who loved her, one she trusted, and one who was responsible to care for her.  When she is treated with respect, she will release the animals from the deep and allow her people to partake of the bounty of the sea.

Guidance:  Sedna’s guidance tells us to care for the child who has been betrayed.  She also tells us to look at old wounds we may have below the surface and to understand the links between those woulds and our woulds.

Journaling:

Wow!  This is powerful stuff and it sums up a lot of where I’m at.  I’ve been betrayed and sold out by people who were supposed to love and cherish me and it hurts a lot.

Luke
February 14, 2004 to July 21, 20117
RIP

I’ve been feeling Sedna lately as I feel the despair and the betrayal.  It feels as if I’m swimming in a deep soup of emotions and I’m scared to let go because I’m scared I will drown in these painful emotions.  I’m scared of truly feeling my grief for Luke because I’m scared that once I let the sorrow flow out, I won’t be able to turn it back off.  I’m scared to go back to the deep dark place that I was after John left.  I thought I would never be able to come out of the darkness.

Message from Sedna:

There is a difference, Raine.  Your’ grief for Luke is pure and unadulterated by anger or a sense of betrayal!  Luke loved you with everything he had.  There were no games or using.  It was pure unadulterated love.  You can’t say that with John as there were always games.

December 18, 2017

Dear Sedna,

Thank you for the reminder that Luke’s love was pure and unadulterated.  I’ve been feeling disloyal to Luke because I’ve been fallling in love with Clark because he is so cute and energetic.  I’m realizing that loving Clark doesn’t dishonor Luke.  It is about opening my heart and there is room in my heart for both of them.

December 27, 2017

Wow!  This was amazingly powerful!  I’ve been feeling a lot of grief right now.  This time of year is hard for me as all of the drama I’ve been through and the body memories from all the painful stuff that has happened in November and December.  I think a lot of what I’m feeling comes down to grief and learning to grieve well.  I’m realizing that it is okay to feel my feelings and that I don’t have to stuff them. If I am honest and feel my feelings when I feel them, they do not become so scary and overwhelming.

Siren of Water

Siren of Water
Dark Goddess

First Impressions:  This card is beautiful and reminds me of a Botticelli painting.  Aphrodite is gorgeous and the epitome of sex appeal, but she is always painted alone.  She is the Goddess of Love, but she is never a goddess that I would call upon for love as she strikes me as not about love as much as about worship. 

Book:  Engenders desire for love, connections and communion, Passion overcoming the haughty, opening the heart.

Guidance:  Love is a risk you must take, create or do something you love, admit your desire

Journaling:

This card is yet another reminder to open my heart to love.  One of the things I’ve been pondering lately is who I want to be with.  Is it someone I already know who knows and loves the “old” me?  Or is it someone new who will just be getting to know me?  There is a part of me that feels I have to move on and that I’m ready for the next phase of my life. 

Someone I care about did something that I feel disrespected me and I’m not sure how to react.    I know that I need respect in my life and if people can’t respect me, then they don’t need/deserve to be in my life.  For me this card is about loving and respecting myself.

December 18, 2017

It was pretty cool when I was putting up the tree and found my Bremen ornament and instead of immediately thinking about who I was with in Germany, I thought about my own memories of being in Bremen around the holidays.  This was huge progress for me.  I know there will always be a part of me that loves him, but I’m done waiting and I’m ready to move on with my life.

December 26, 2017

I’ve gotten a lot better about putting myself first and loving myself.  Maybe the message of Aphrodite is that all things are about love and pleasure and that loving ourselves can help create an atmosphere where there is more love and light in the world overall.

Witch of Water

Witch of Water
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional Control

Book:  Power of the goddess is eating all sins, salt holds purification, and protection

Guidance:  Demonstrate your beliefs and ethics, look beyond form to essence, bathe in salt water

Journaling:

Interesting meaning of this card.  I like looking at it as purification and the need to cleanse ourselves.  I need to do some meditations on this card and also take a salt bath.

December 19, 2017

I’m realizing that purification is about more than clearing the energy around me.  It is also about clearing out the old behaviors and thought patterns that are keeping me stuck.  I need to let go of my poverty consciousness and choose to believe that it will all work out.

December 26, 2017

It is so awesome to read through old journals as I can see my growth.  I can see ideas that bubble up that are being implemented at deeper and deeper levels.  Redirecting my thoughts is something that still feels uncomfortable for me as it feels unnatural, but as I read through my old journals I can see that I am continuing to get better at it.

I know I’m making progress because when I got an invite to a reorganization meeting from Darshan, my immediate reaction was to freak out and assume I was being fired.  However, I talked myself off the ledge by reminding myself that they would not fire me on an open meeting.  If I was going to get fired, I would have already been told.  That was cold comfort, but it did bring me peace and I was able to actually sleep without totally freaking myself out with worry.  I also reminded myself that there was nothing I could do about it anyway.  If it happened, it happened and I’d deal with it.

Knight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and I love the colors.  One of my first impressions is that the knight is riding into battle into the sunset.  Despite being a card of swords and decisiveness, this card is kind of dreamy and romantic.  Reversed, this card is about losing control.
Book:  Stifling anger, staying silent, lack of commitment, vengefullness, continue to have thoughts and attitudes that are causing you problems.
Guidance:  Listen before speaking, speak your mind.
Journaling:
I am seething right now and the problem is that I don’t even know who to be angry at.  I guess I’m angry at the universe because I don’t have the one thing that I truly want in my life.  I want love. I want someone to care about me and to worry about me.  I don’t want more responsibility in my life.  I don’t want to be A’s teacher.  I’m sorry, , I am saying what’s in it for me and finding the answer to be nothing.  I know people have guided me and mentored me, but I have nothing left to give right now.  I’m totally tapped out and I don’t have the energy.  
And yes, I’m really angry.  It is another Christmas and I’m all alone.  I want someone to share my life with, I’m tired of being alone and living alone.  This is no fun.  
They just gave me an interesting message that if i want someone to snuggle with, I need to create room to snuggle.
January 25, 2018
Interesting rereading this as I’ve been really working to get rid of the clutter in my life.  A big part of my putting my journals online is so that I can get rid of the emotional baggage.  As I read through all of these entries, I’m looking at what the lessons are and letting go of the pain that goes along with the journal entries.  I’m also working on cleaning up my space and getting rid of things that I don’t need or that no longer serve me.

Daily Draw: Queen of Wands (reversed)

First Impressions:  Loss of will

Book:  Someone destructive, limits freedom of others, rules by jealousy and possessiveness, self doubt, squashed enthusiasm, disapproval, loss of hope and self esteem, exhausted

Guidance:  take care of yourself, think before you speak

Journaling

There are a lot of ways to read this card.  The one that most resonates with me is the loss of hope and less of energy.  That’s really where I’m at today.  I feel as if I have truly lost hope.  It doesn’t help that my energy level is really low and I feel like I’m drowning.  I also am sad and feel as if I’ve lost my self confidence.   It feels as if I will never have the happiness that I want.

July 6, 2019

I have learned so much since the day that I wrote that.  I have finally learned that my happiness is my responsibility.  It is my job to choose how I will respond to every situation that comes into my life.  I have learned that I shouldn’t wait for happiness until I have love, until I meet someone, until I lose weight, etc.  I can choose to be happy in the moment.  I can choose to be happy even though the house isn’t spotless and I don’t weight my idea weight.  I can choose to be happy even though work isn’t perfect.  Happiness truly is a choice.

Daily Draw: Queen of Pentacles

First Impressions:  One with the earth, earthy sensuality

Book:  Warmly in a relationship with the earth, high value on stability, domesticy

Guidance:  Take pleasure in small daily rituals, love your life

Journaling

I love this card because it helps me feel grounded in the earth and connected.  I feel this way when I do reverse corpse and feel myself in touch with all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I am so glad that I pulled this card today because I needed to be reminded of what an amazing place our earth is and what our place in it is.

May 25, 2018

I drove through Lakewood Cemetery today and I always feel so grounded when I go to cemeteries, because I am reminded that nothing I am going through matters all that much in the big scope of things.  We are born, we live, and we die.  Our job is to live our best lives while we are alive.  We need to love other people, be kind to people, eat healthy, and be the best people we can be.  Sometimes we fall short of those ideals, but when we do, we need to pick ourselves up and keep trying.

I know that I am not a perfect parent and there are times when I am unkind, when I tease the kids too much, or when I do other things that are not nice, but I acknowledge them, apologize and try to do better.  And that is why I am different than the bitch.  She would never acknowledge how she hurt me and she would never try to make it better.  Even when I sent her a letter and outlined all the ways that she had hurt me, she never responded.  I think that hurts almost worse than what she did because it feels like I don’t even matter enough for her to apologize to or try to make amends too. She acts like she is so F*ing hurt that I’m not talking to her, but she refuses to do anything to fix the situation. 

It is as if she is so stuck in her mentality that she is the “elder” (what a joke) so she doesn’t have to do anything or treat me with respect.  It is as if because I am her child, I do not deserve respect.  That is so full of garbage and the complete antithesis of how I treat Sean and Cam.  I know they deserve respect and I know that I am not deserving of respect just by virtue of being their mother.  If I did not treat them with respect, I would not deserve respect from them.  That is the complete opposite of how I was raised and she cannot understand that way of thinking at all