Tag: balance

Judgement

July 25, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot


First Impressions:  Balance, fairness, weighing things

Book:  You are ripe for transformation, reckoning with the past
Guidance:  Open your eyes to a while new way of life, heed the call to be born into a more meaningful existence
Journaling
This is an interesting card to pull today because I’m in a position where I am being asked to trust management to deal with a horrible situation and I don’t know if I trust them.  Our project team is so dysfunctional it isn’t funny.  We have people refusing to talk to people, people making snotty comments about the client in the client’s building, and a whole host of bad behavior.  And it’s being driven by someone high up in the food chain’s behavior.  It’s making it so that I don’t even want to go into the office anymore because of all the bullshit.
I talked to a VP in the organization today and he said that management was going to take care of it and to let them handle it.  That puts all of my hackles up because I don’t really trust anyone to do right by me and take care of things.  I especially don’t trust people to make things right after I’ve spoken up. My assumption is that speaking up is going to get me in trouble so I should just flee.  I know that isn’t the right thing to thing, but my mind immediately goes into flight mode and if I get really pinned into a corner I will come out fighting.
This goes back to both my childhood, past job experiences, and my marriage.  In my childhood, I never spoke up about being bullied because I was afraid of the backlash.  And when I worked for the military and I spoke out against a first amendment violation, I was arrested.  Of course, since I was pushed beyond my comfort zone, I escaped and assaulted a police officer. Since my divorce, it has been hard for me to trust anyone, especially when I started realizing the depths of Charlene’s behavior and how she essentially set me up for my bad marriage.  I was devastated and I was hurt so badly on so many levels, that I learned it became easier to walk away than to stay and learn and grow.  
 I’m in a place now where life is good and for the most part I’m happy, but I’m being asked to trust people and I don’t want to.  I want to say fuck it and walk away.   The only thing that is keeping me in my seat is that the people I am working with have proven trustworthy to date and they have for the most part done right by me.  That doesn’t mean I don’t feel uncomfortable and every bone in my body wants to run away.  Sitting here and trusting is incredibly hard for me.
The fact that this is Anubis is deeply significant for me because I trust Anubis with my life.  He has always been there for me.  He has always protected me.  And he has always guided me.  The fact that I chose Anubis today is significant as it means that choosing to trust will move me to the next realm.  I do not want to trust.  I thought I had grown and changed and that I’d never have to feel these growing pains again, but they are telling me there is sill more to learn.  I think it is time to set up an Anubis altar and sit with the discomfort.
Gratitudes
I’m grateful for the support I got from Ted
I’m grateful I got home on time
I’m grateful for laughing with Cam
I’m grateful for sleeping in a cool room
I’m grateful for the weather being nice
I’m grateful for a good call with Michelle
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October 19, 2016

Deck:   Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Stuck, not moving on
Book:  Denial of inner calling, stagnation, procrastination, fear of change, feeling as something is dying, arrived at the wrong conclusion, greater focus on spirituality, complacency
Guidance:  Don’t try to change others, take action to move forward
Journaling
One of the things I’m realizing is that I have to drop the weight.  It is literally killing me.  A big part of the problem is that my life sucks so much that I don’t care if I live or die.  I really need to change my attitude and ask for help.  The message I got is that instead of asking for love to ask for health and the love will come.

May 25, 2018  Review
I’m still not doing so well with taking care of my health and there are a lot of days where  feel like I am committing suicide by sugar as I cannot let go of my need for coca-cola.  It feels as if I need it to start and continue my day.  I’m also not exercising very much at all and I feel it in my bones.  I think part of the problem is that I have a serious and chronic sinus infection, which affects my sleep, which affects my energy level, etc.  It is a whole vicious circle.  I’ve gone back to taking the d-hist and I have to say that I am actually starting to feel a lot better.  The next step is to get a new air filter for my room as the other one seems to have given up the ghost.  I know that the D-Hist and the air filter seriously changed my life before because I started feeling so much better.
The other thing I need to do is find a local acupuncturist because acupuncture helped me so much.  However, I’m realizing that maybe I’m not wanting to find a new acupuncturist out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Kyle.  However, he would want me to move on and start feeling better.  I’m going to call and make an appointment tomorrow.
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September 19, 2016

Deck;  Hanson Roberts

Initial Impressions:  The people are naked and although it is supposed to be a family, they all seem very young.  The cloud by the angel is pink.  The people seem to be waving to the angel.  I don’t know if they are just saying hi or if there is more to it than that.  This card is about a reckoning and reawakening.

Book:  Awakening, realization, rebirth, call to change, and decision making.

Guidance:  Listen to your heart

Journaling

Awakening is an odd theme for the day.  I was so exhausted yesterday that I could barely keep my eyes open.  This job is getting more and more physically wearing and I’m not sure how much longer I can continue to push myself like this.  There is a large part of me that wants to get a job in town, but I’m kind of afraid of what that would look like.  I think I need to do some research and see if I could make that work.

December 22, 2017 Review

It’s been over a year since I originally wrote that and I’ve switched jobs, but am still traveling.  I’m feeling somewhat better than I did then and am not as exhausted all the time.  However, I’ve also realized that I really need to pay attention to my physical health and be cognizant of when it is getting to be too much or me and step back.  I don’t always do a great job of that, but it’s a lesson I do need to learn.

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May 11, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Awakening, Pulled reversed
First Impressions:  Stuck, not open to new things, reluctant to change
Journaling
Am I stuck in my ways and unwilling to trust spirit  Am I so afraid that they won’t provide that I am standing in my own way?  All the cards lately have been about trust and about letting go.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to let go of expectations.  I need to trust them.  I can’t control whether or not X loves me.  I can’t control whether or not I get this job.  I can’t control the kids and I can’t control Gateway.

Deliberate Draw: Seeker of Wands

First Impressions:  Lazy, desert, painful

Book:  Charmer and a flirt, unreliable, can bring energy if there are others to focus it

Guidance: Need for a change of scenery

Journaling

I’m not sure why this card called to me today because I know that I am not lazy and I know I need to steer my horse in the right direction.  Maybe it is a reminder that everything that appears lazy is not.  Most of us have been brought up to believe that sleeping late is lazy, that not working long hours is lazy, that wanting to sit and read a book instead of being outside playing is lazy.  As a result of all that haranguing and complaining, I think we were all taught that to sit and take a breath and to take care of yourself is lazy, but taking care of yourself is the farthest thing from lazy that there is.  Taking care of yourself is smart and means that we have a better life.  Life is really all about balance I and I know that there are some people who are truly lazy, however, I also know that taking care of ourselves, sleeping enough, and doing all of those things that help us take care of ourselves are not lazy.

I was reading Sabbath today and it was an amazing book about how the Sabbath is a day set in time to relax and to take care of ourselves.  We honor God and ourselves when we take time to slow down and let go of work, let go of tension, let go of anger.  There is truly a need for more downtime in this world because when we have downtime we can think and dream and bring more peace to the world.  I think one of the number one causes of stress in the world is not taking time to take care of ourselves. When we push ourselves so hard that there is no time for joy or wonder, we get angry, we get resentful, then we take it out on others.

Gratitudes
Dinner with Sean
Seeing Wendy smile on the way to the library
Sitting here and having peace
Feeling better

Tarot Blog Hop: Finding Balance




Welcome to the Mabon Blog Hop.  I’m super excited to be participating in this hop because Autumn is my absolute favorite time of year.  Our wranglers,Jenn Waltner and Louise Underhill, have challenged us to post on the theme of balance and how it can be restored. I’ve decided to use a spread I created to ask the elements for guidance on how I can bring more balance into my life. I’ll be using the Tarot de St. Croix for my spread as this deck always makes me think of Fall.

North: Message from the Bones
The seven of swords, as interpreted by Lisa de St. Croix, tells me that I need to clear space in my life for what is important and I need to focus on my goals. These are important messages as I am getting ready to embark on a serious effort to lose weight and I need to really focus on this goal and to make time in my life to exercise and pay attention to what I eat. The more traditional meaning of the swords, stealing or retrieving something, is also valid in this reading as I’m taking back my health. This card also dovetails with an emotional journey that I’ve been taking to heal from ancestral damage. I grew up believing that my weight was a function of genetics and that there was nothing I could do about it. However, when I look back at my mother’s eating habits, I realize that she was trying to lose weight while eating cookies, soda, and other unhealthy foods. In hindsight, the messages about not being able to lose weight because of genetics, do not match up with the eating habits she demonstrated.

East: Message from the Mind
The fool tells me that I need to let go of my need to know my destination and to just trust that I will be taken where I need to go and provided with what I need. This is a very apt reading for me as I am a control freak and it is hard for me to embark on journeys with uncertain outcomes. It’s very interesting that I pulled this card as the message from the mind, because I’m applying for a graduate program in Spirituality, Culture, and Health and the rational part of my brain that I have always relied upon to make decisions is telling me that there is no return on investment in this program and that I will be wasting my money. However, my heart is telling me it is right for me and that it will lead me someplace amazing. This card is an affirmation that I need to just leap and trust that the path will unfold.

South:  Messages from the Spirit 
My initial read of the hermit was that the cards were telling me that I would never have anyone in my life and that I would always be alone. However, as I have taken time to reflect, I’ve realized that that is the interpretation of my all or nothing mindset. The more gentle message from the cards is that I am a person who needs a lot of alone time and that I need to learn to balance my need for solitude with a relationship. I need to make sure to make time for myself no matter what the circumstances. It is a reminder to myself to not get so caught up in someone else that I lose myself. Messages from the Emotions

East:  Messages from the Emotions
The World is telling me to embrace all of my emotions and to not segregate them based on what I believe are good or bad emotions. All of my emotions can help me to grow and to become my best self. The world is also telling me that by opening my heart to embrace my own emotions, I can be connected to the all of my brothers and sisters in spirit around the world. This message is incredibly timely for me as I am someone who shields herself and doesn’t like to open up to the world around me. I need to be like the world and stand naked in the middle of my own world and own it. I need to own who I am and what I feel.

Message from the Source 
The four of wands has many messages for me. The first is that I will find my own personal power by creating a life of ritual. I need to live in sacred space as that is where I find my own sanity and healing. This card, like the World card, is also telling me to be naked and vulnerable as I move through life. I need to be open with other people and to stop hiding who I am. Lastly, Epona is telling me that I am at a crossroads and I have a decision to make as to where I am going moving forward.


Summary
Overall, these were incredibly powerful cards to draw and provided a lot of guidance as to how to move forward with my life over the next few months.

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