Tag: Air

Messages from the Tarot: She who Watches

She who watches came to me last night in the form of the nine of air from the Gaian Tarot.  I’ve endured a long month of depression starting on my birthday, November 6th, and continuing through my NameDay (i.e. the anniversary of the day I legally changed my name).

It’s always a time of darkness as memories  of my estranged mother, my departed father (died November 28, 2008), my now ex’s heart attack (December 6, 2009), and my imploded marriage (Married November 19, 1988) haunt my body and soul.   In years passed, I’ve berated myself for letting what were just days on the calendar affect my well being, but this year I’ve leaned into the pain.  I’ve acknowledged the grief and sorrow these events have brought and I’ve chosen to cocoon myself and grieve.

The darkness was deeper than I’d anticipated and there were days when all I wanted to do was to cry.  However, I got up each  morning and did what needed to be done and reminded myself that I’ve been through dark times before and they had passed.   I made myself pull my daily tarot card even though there were days when even that felt like too much effort.

The worst part of the darkness was feeling disconnected and as if my beloved goddesses had abandoned me.  I cried out for strength, for compassion, for love, and it felt as if I was met with silence each time I cried out in pain.  All my normal ways of connecting were not working.

Finally, yesterday, I woke and it felt as if the clouds were breaking and maybe, just maybe, things really would be okay.  I reminded myself that on December 7, 2011 I had chosen to legally change my name to Raine (Queen) Clara (Saint) Shakti (Goddess) and that maybe I did have the strength and courage to pull out of this tailspin.

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Last night the guidance finally came to me.  I was laying in bed thinking about my pain and imagining a bleak future, which naturally lead me to think about the nine of swords.  However, the nine of swords was replaced with the nine of air from Joanna Powell Colbert’s Gaian tarot and as I imagined myself the woman in the image, I heard She Who Watches tell me to just let go.  To let go of the pole I was holding on to, to let go of the pain I was holding, to let go of the nightmares.

Letting go was hard, but as I let go, I found myself flying over the Seeker’s Valley.  I was flying and seeing my life from the vantage point of an eagle rising above the strife and pain.  I was free from all of it.  As I flew, the valley became more colorful and psychedelic and I realized that I had to change my perception and let go of viewing the world as painful and ordinary.  I was also shown that all the twists and turns I’d gone through in my life were leading me somewhere and that I was being taken care of and held.

She Who Watches said she was always there for me and was watching and protecting me.  She also reminded me that I had the strength to persevere.

Hag of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

I awoke this morning feeling more calm and hopeful than I’ve felt in the last month and when I logged on to Facebook, what did I see?  Someone had posted the Hag of Earth (She Who Watches) from Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s Dark Goddess Tarot.  And I felt loved and I knew my beloved Goddesses were still with me.

I’ve pulled both She Who Watches images from their respective tarot decks and they are sitting on my altar to remind me that she is always with me.

Update:  December 21, 2017

I was cleaning my meditation room and a deck of tarot cards spilled.  The card that jumped out was the Five of Discs which was a beautiful image of She Who Watches from the Triumph of Life Tarot deck.

Child of Air (Reversed)

Child of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions:  This card has such a sense of innocence about it as the girl is surrounded by butterflies as she stands in the clouds.  One of the things I did not notice until just now is that the butterflies are in the shape of an S.  As I drew this card reversed, it tells me that I am tuned out.

Book:  Afraid to explore new ideas or make changes because of critical voices, banish negative thoughts

Journaling

Not being attuned to the messages around me.  Not being in communication with the universe.  Since this card is reversed, it could also symbolize the heavy weight of grief weighing me down again.  There are days I feel as if I am just mired in grief.

This is another card that is telling me that I need to heal and move on, but the question is how do I heal and move on as I have done so much healing work.  However, I feel this is the final push through the grief and letting go.  I need to make one last push to let go of it all.

December 29, 2017

Wow!  This was profound as I really feel as if Tarot has been the final spiritual practice that has pushed me to grow and let go of all the garbage.  What Tarot does for me is that it engages both my intuition and my logic.  Reading the meanings is about logic, but because the readings engage my brain, they free up my intuition to make their own connections.  I also think that actually having a daily practice where I’ve committed to pulling a card and journaling every single day helps.  I know that I will put myself out there day after day.

I’ve also come to accept that there are always going to be days where I feel stuck, sad, grief-stricken, etc.  However, I can choose to acknowledge those feelings and use logic if they aren’t rooted in logic to help me move past those feelings.  I also need to make up my decisions with real world actions and I’ve been starting to do that more and more.  I really really wanted to go to Chicago for my birthday, but I knew that would mean meeting X for lunch and having a reading and those things would have drug me right back into my obsession.  Deliberately choosing not to go to Chicago meant I got to keep my distance.  Although, I still miss the food as Mexican food really sucks in the CLE.