Category: Uncategorized

September 19, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Eight of Stones

First Impressions:  I love this card as it represents craft and beauty.  I also really l like that it does not have the same repetitive nature as most eight of pentacles cards.  This one shows that something can be one of a kind and still be beautiful.

Book:  I give myself to my craft.  It is the divine flowing through me. 

Guidance:   Doing what you love heals

Journaling:

I love this card and the reminder to hold what I love sacred.  I love school and I love writing and I am working to a future that holds both of those things.  In the meantime, I need to find the joy in what I do on a regular basis and I need to recognize what I can learn from each situation that I’m in.  I know that 

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today starting my second week at PPL.  It was actually a good day as things are really starting to make sense to me.  I also got good news about Wendy and she just needs to have her numbers monitored as nothing showed up on her x-ray.  That made me so happy as I spent most of the day freaking out.

Weather:  It rained this morning after I took Wendy to the vet, but then it actually turned out to be a fairly nice day.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 35%

Sunrise / Sunset:

=========================================================================

February 26, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Eight of pentacles, split attention between spiritual and mundane, guided by the moon, working for a living

Book:  mastering a skill, and expert, patience and determination, finding your life’s purpose

Guidance:   Remain dedicated to your own excellence

Journaling:

This card is a reminder that I will not get where I want to go without putting in the work.  The problem is that I’m not sure where I want to go.  I love school and I love researching and studying and putting facts together, but I also know that I am 55 and I don’t know if I would even have  future in Academia.  I’m also wondering how one goes about studying to be an intuitive and to live a life of healing and helping.  I don’t know how to get there.  Maybe the solution is to be “dedicated to my own excellence” and to continue to follow my heart wherever it leads.  Right now it is leading me to school and to continuing to learn.  Work pays he bills and the good thing is that I can do it without putting too much effort into it. Maybe I just continue what I’m doing right now and see where it leads me.  I do know that I want to right a book about using tarot to heal from trauma.  

Where I’m At: My energy is scattered right now as it feels like the world is coming down around our ears.  

Weather:   It is cold and crisp outside.  It isn’t snowing anymore, but it is cold at 27 degrees

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 22%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:05 am/ 6:13 pm

—————————————————————————————————————————–September 1, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Industry, working

Book:  Creating a fertile habitat

Guidance:  Focus your work attention on the physical work needed to achieve your drams

Journaling:

Today I focused on school work which may not be exactly the message intended by this card, but it is physical work as it involves working on the computer, reading books, and a lot of thinking.  The thinking is amazing and hard as I’m learning a lot of new concepts and it is really expanding my mind and my heart, but it is also difficult as I feel my heart and brain tugged toward something new, but I still need to do my existing job to pay the bills.  That is a quandary to be in and I don’t exactly know what the solution is.

This card is also a reminder to pay attention to my physical surroundings and I don’t do a good job of that.  It is so hard to take care of the house, work full time, and go to school.  I also hear my mother’s flipping voice in my head as she tells me to “clean my room.”  However, as time goes by I am am finding it increasingly easy to ignore her.  She is a product of another generation, a generation where women were slaves to their family and they were supposed to sacrifice their own hopes and dreams for those of others.  I initially thought that was something that only my own mother drilled into my head, but the more I listen to other women’s stories, the more that I realize that this was a generational thing and that a lot of women endured these evil lessons from their parents. 

The thing is that I do take pride in my house and I do want it to be a pleasant place to live, but I also don’t have the time or energy to clean up after three people and two dogs, especially because we are all slobs.  I guess the key is to just keep plugging away and do a little at a time.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the yummy turkey
I’m grateful that Cam was okay with the burgers as they didn’t have the roast
I’m grateful to Sean for taking stuff to the curb
I’m grateful for the cool weather
I’m grateful that I mostly got the dining room table cleaned off
I’m grateful to Sean for putting dishes away
I’m grateful I spent time cleaning the wood room

=======================================================================

First Impressions:  Diligence, being supported

Book:  Ready to take a talent to the next level of mastery, experienced teacher can provide guidance

Guidance:  Long hours of practice will be ready

Journaling:

I chose this card today because today was a day when I really felt like I was advancing in my job and ready to take it to the next level.  Because of my efforts we have multiple projects with full OCM in the pipeline and people are honestly looking at what we do having an educational component instead of just getting through the workshops.  That was refreshing to hear and I felt as if I was vindicated in all the hard work that I do.  However, even though I may be at the forefront of the efforts, it is and always has been a team effort as I couldn’t do this without the support of my management team and without mentorship.  It is so incredibly helpful to have someone to go to when things get rough and to have someone who can give me guidance about the company and how to navigate.

The personal work I’ve done has also paid off as I’m starting to see how I self sabotage and refuse to view myself as a leader because of my dad’s belief that women should not take high paying jobs because men need them more.  That was a bullshit comment that my dad made and it was wrong.  What he seemed not to understand is that a) jobs should be given to the people who are the most qualified and should not be given out based on need and that b) there are plenty of women who are responsible for supporting their families.  I loved my father dearly, but that was one of the most asinine things I’ve ever heard anyone say and the really unfortunate part is that I had no idea until recently how much I had taken that stupid comment to heart and was believing that as a woman I had no right to be in a position of power.  Although intellectually, I saw the stupidity and misogyny in this comment, there was obviously a little piece of my soul that bought into this viewpoint and I’ve been self sabotaging every time I have people reporting to me.  However, it’s time for that to stop and I’m ready to move into a more senior role.

========================================================================

Eight of Pentacles Robin Wood Tarot

Deck:  Robin Wood

First Impressions:  The young boy is studiously making pentacles.  He has made a variety of pentacles with different wood and with different metal.  The eight of pentacles is about learning and growing, but reversed it may mean being stuck or not applying yourself.

Book:  Time to explore your goals, being unhappy at your job, need for future training

Guidance:  Vary the routine, try a more flexible approach

Journaling:

The eight of pentacles reversed has show up twice recently, which makes sense as I’m unhappy with my job.  I really dislike the travel and I hate working with clients who have absolutely no clue.  I feel stuck, but I do like the paycheck and security and these are important.  I’m not going to say it is hard to make it in a spiritual business because I know sometimes doors open up and things fall into place.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to be open to opportunities and please provide these opportunities that will guide me down the right path.

Blessings, Raine

January 2, 2018

I’m getting cold chills (and not from the drafts) as I read this.  Shortly after I wrote this, I ended up moving over to itelligence because work dried up at NTT.  It was really weird how the job came about because I reached out to John B. as a reference and he ended up creating a job for me.  And the past year has been spent learning about patience and perseverance and about learning sales skills.  That’s pretty wild.

Dearest Ones,

Thank you for opening up this opportunity.  Please help me to learn all that I need to learn so I can take the next steps.

Blessings, Raine

October 22, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Joy, Aloneness

Book:  Steady progress, training, manifestation, on going process of sowing and reaping, concentrate on each step, on the right track

Guidance:  Focus on each step, stead progress, learn the lessons as presented

Journal:

This was a great card to pull today as I’m being presented with so many lessons.  I’m learning to surf the energy so much more than I ever could before and I am truly learning to live in the present and not got all sucked into what might happen  For instance at work, I’m focusing on what I can do and what I can’t.  I’m in a good space.

May 25, 2018

For me, this card applies not so much to technical skills but to emotional and spiritual skills.  I am learning that for me when I start wanting to pull away from my journaling and distract myself, I am facing something that is very uncomfortable for me.  Right now, I’m focusing on the push/pull of being alone.  I always thought that everyone felt empty and alone when they were not the center of attention, however, I’m starting to realize that most people are capable of maintaining their own sense of identity when they are alone.  That is hard for me to do.  I constantly am worried about what other people think about me instead of being concerned about what I think of me.

Sometimes I feel as if I am easily disposable and that I am empty inside if I do not produce or do great things for other people.  It feels as if there is no substance to me and that it is all about what I produce or do for other people.  It feels as if I don’t matter.  And I can tell that I am getting close to a monumental truth because I have the urge to surf the internet, to go get ice cream, or to distract myself in some other way from facing the hard truths.

However, I also know that I need to be kind to myself and not yell at myself or punish myself for being afraid of facing and admitting how empty I feel inside.  I can tell that I am looking for someone else to fill me up because I’m searching my email for something from the tarot person I reached out to and from my shaman.  I want them to give me the answers and tell me that I am okay and that I am a good person

I’m also looking for S. to fill me up and tell me I’m okay and that he has not walked away from me and that he has just been busy.  I am seeking validation from other people instead of myself and that is not a good spot for me to be in.  I need to take a deep breath and go within me to find out who I am and what I need to do.  I need to be appropriate and not beat myself up, but not distract myself either.

The person who gave birth to me, I don’t even think I can call her a mother any more, profoundly screwed me up by teaching me that my life was all about other people and I am working really hard to reclaim myself and my own sense of belonging within my skin.

I have come so far on this quest to not need outside validation and to accept my own worthiness, but there are days when all the emptiness comes flooding back into my very soul.  I also know that sometimes it is okay to distract myself, especially with chores as sometimes the feeling of accomplishment helps me feel batter about myself.

September 25, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Eight of Pentacles Hanson-Roberts

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  The young man’s tools are carefully laid out and he clearly takes pride in his work as he is willing to make pentacles over and over and continually review what he does.  Reverse this card could indicate sloppiness, a loss of energy, or a loss of fortune.

Book:  Seeking success without effort, need to evaluate whether you are in the right job, the seeker is wasting his talents, move forward with a project

Guidance:  Move forward on a project

Journaling:

For me, I know this card is not telling me that I’m not working hard enough on my day job because I don’t know how I could work any harder.  It could be telling me that I’m not working hard enough on Midwives of Change.  I have been so busy and so tired that I haven’t been able to put the time into things that matter to me.  I certainly hope things settle down, because I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this pace.

December 23, 2017

I’m still not positive what the message of this card was a year ago, but I made the decision earlier this year to let go of Midwives of Change.  I made that decision when I realized that I wasn’t living my life for me, but I was using myself as a guinea pig to see what methods worked so that I could write about them.  I want my life to matter to me and not just matter to other people. 

I struggled with the decision to put my Tarot Journal online because that seemed to be just one more way to live my life for others instead of myself.  However, once I committed to Swedish Death Cleansing and realized that putting my journal online meant I could keep the lessons and ditch the hurtful comments and whining, I decided that putting it online was what was best for me.  I also established Rules for Readers so that they understand I’m not putting myself out there as a Tarot Guru, but simply living my life.

 September 18, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Seed of Cups

First Impressions:  I love this card as it is relaxed and fun, just like the otters.  It reminds me of seeing otters in California.

Book:  I am playful in my exploration of intuition and emotions

Guidance:   Freely engage with your feelings

Journaling:

This is a really interesting card as it is hard for me to engage with my positive feelings.  I’m realizing that I spend a lot of time assuming that the other shoe will drop or that something bad will happen.  I realized recently that I really do spend a lot of time borrowing trouble and I need to stop doing that.  I need to let go of my expectations that bad things are going to happen.  The thing is that most of the time, bad things don’t happen to me.  And I waste a whole lot of time worrying about things that may not ever happen.

I did this my last week at Nestle when I worried about PPL pulling their job offer.  I was so freaked out that it wasn’t going to happen.  I had to keep stepping back and reminding myself that there was nothing I could do and that I could not control the situation.  All I could do is sit back and maintain my own serenity.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and just chilling out.  I went to the store and got some food for dinner, ate lunch outside, and had a generally good day.

Weather:  It was beautiful outside.  A little bit warm, but generally nice.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 14%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:08 / 7:32

————————————————————————————————————————-

June 26, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Nymph of Cups

First Impressions:  Venus de Milo, weird fish in the middle of the image

Book:  Possibility, intuitive messages, unseen worlds, creative inspiration

Guidance:   Start from where you are

Journaling:

I’m realizing that compassion is a hard thing as having compassion can make you too willing to understand and open your heart to people who are not worthy.  Compassion can make it easy to make excuses for people who don’t deserve it.  However, I think my understanding of compassion is wrong because I have always viewed compassion as excusing people for their wrong-headed beliefs.  

I am starting to believe that true compassion and understanding is about meeting people where they are, but enforcing boundaries and helping people to understand that they are free to have their beliefs, but they cannot force those beliefs on others.  That is a little harder.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting in the living room with the window open and I can hear the birds chirping outside.  Clark is snoring away beside me and Wendy is upstairs hanging with Sean.  It’s a very calm and peaceful morning, but I’m a little frustrated with Sean as he came in and put his dishes on the counter instead of actually starting a load.  I get he’s exhausted working third shift, but that was really rude.

Weather:  It is absolutely beautiful outside.  It is just a little bit chill and to be honest it feels more like fall than summer, but I’m perfectly okay with that.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 6%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 / 9:05

—————————————————————————————————————————

 May 29, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Surprise at the fish in the cup, flying fish

Book:  Subconscious, imagination, playful, immature

Guidance: Cats know how to fish by instinct alone

Journaling:

Where: I’m at home today.  We went out this morning to take the recycling and I’m planning to get the furniture out of the garage, but overall we’re having a chill day.

Weather:  It is beautiful and sunny out.  A little chilly in the shade, but overall nice.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 am / 8:52 pm

————————————————————————————————————————–

April 8, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  The feet are a little weird as I’m not sure why we are showing feet about his head.  Also, why is there a cup by the feet?  it seems he is being buffeted by the wind.

Book:  Dreamer, serendipity, what comes next, open and joyful heart

Guidance:  Be open to miracles

Journaling:

I love the idea of being open to miracles, but I have to admit that there is a part of me that doesn’t believe in  miracles anymore.  How can I believe in a kind and just world when we have the atrocities happening in Afghanistan; the war on women in this country; and all of the rest.  When I think about what is happening in our world, I’m also ashamed of myself as I can’t sustain my righteous indignation for long as it goes right back to just trying to get through each day.  It is so hard to care about the larger world when my own days are maddening and complicated.  

It is also extremely hard to have a joyful heart in this world.  However, in reading The Book of Joy, I’m realizing that Joy really is a choice.  Both the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu have had horrible things happen to them, but they still choose joy.  What I’m realizing is that joy comes when I am focusing on things outside of myself.  When I am focusing on helping people and of being in service.  And when I focus on the seemingly little things that make life good.  The look in Wendy’s eyes when she snuggles with me, feeling Luke snuggle up against me, and making food for the kids.  I’ve been so busy lately, that I haven’t made time for what is important.  I also overdid it with school this semester as I hadn’t factored in how my life had changed since I took three courses before.  That is way easier to do when I’m traveling and in a hotel room.

Where: I pulled this card as I was chilling with the dogs after work.

Weather:  It is actually a decent day out.  A little rainy, but not horrible.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 43%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:58 am / 7:59 pm

————————————————————————————————————————-

 February 13, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Card:  The bunny gives this card springlike energy and the entire card looks so hopeful and happy.  It is a card of happiness and joy.

First Impressions:  

Book:  Youthfulness, idealism, sensitivity, romance, spirituality

Guidance:  Be open, but also know when to have boundaries

Journaling:

Pulling this card today makes me feel happy because it is a card about openess and naivety and while I understand the need to have boundaries, I also know the heavy toll that it takes on me when I keep them up all the time.  It wears on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  That is why the message I got with my trauma work today was the ten of pentacles.  It is telling me to find my tribe.  To find a group of people that I can be open and honest with and that I can trust.  Not everyone is out to get me and if I find a group of people that I hang with on a regular basis, I will be able to let my shields down.

Where I’m At:  It’s just a little past midnight and I’m sitting on the couch with my sweet Wendy girl next to me.  I usually don’t do my blogging at midnight, but it feels right to write and reflect tonight.  I’m not sure why, but it does.  It has been a really rough week with Wendy having to go to the vet and the toilet overflowing, but we came through it and it is all going to be okay.

Mood:  I’m in a pretty good mood and feeling hopeful for the first time in a while.  I am tired and it is at least that super exhaustion you get after releasing trauma, but it feels good to release it and to work through the issues that are causing me pain.

Weather:   It is 18 degrees out and it will be snowing later today.  However, the good news is that it should be up to 52 degrees later this week.  Even though there is still snow on the ground, it is starting to feel like spring.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 84%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:23 am/5:57 pm

————————————————————————————————————————

January 5, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Contentment, secrets, working hard

Book:  Discovering self love and the genuine capacity to love another

Guidance:  Spend time alone journaling, dreaming, or exploring nature

Journaling

Today was a learning day for me as I realized that emotional intelligence doesn’t mean I always think perfectly or don’t think of acting in self defeating ways, but it means that I am self aware enough to pull back and look at the behavior and choose a different way.  I am one of the most impatient people on the earth and I want things to be settled immediately.  However, the truth of the matter is that the world does not revolve around me and things that I think are important and urgent are usually just important.

For me the Seer of Cups serves as a reminder that I can know all my flaws and still be able to love myself.  In the past, I’ve always beat myself up for every little flaw.  However, I’ve come to recognize that every single person on this planet is flawed and being flawed does not equate to being useful.  I can be flawed and still love myself.  And other people can be flawed and still be lovable.  Cam is the biggest slob on the planet and Sean gets hard headed and stubborn but I still love them.

The other challenge for me is that I don’t take the time to show my body the love that it needs and eat healthy.  I am so tired all the time that eat sugar and other unhealthy foods in order to get some quick energy, that then triggers a downward spiral because that makes me sicker, but then I crave more sugar, etc, etc.  One of the things I really need to work on is understanding that giving in to my cravings is not being kind to myself, it is actually hurting me.

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotionally Immature

Book:  Posture of ease, superiority, and defiance, there may be apprehension under the confident mask

Guidance:  Be aware of assuming you know everything, realize you haven’t considered everything

Journaling

This was me 29 years ago.  I was so sure that love would and could conquer everything.  I found out that wasn’t the case and that sometimes love really is not enough.  What I also learned is that love has to be two sided and that both people have to be invested in a relationship for it to work.  Both of us were not invested in our relationship so it had no way of working.

November 20, 2017 Review

He emailed me this morning and suggested it would be a great time to market Whisper Alley.  However, I know that what he really meant was that I could do all the work and he could claim part of the glory.  I’m not up for that.  I will never again form any kind of partnership with him because it is never really a partnership.  He is intrinsically a taker and I do not need that in my life.  I need people in my life who understand that a partnership means a partnership.

November 8, 2018 Review

This is an interesting card today as one of the themes I am exploring for the next year is the concept of vulnerability and being vulnerable with myself and with others.  I’m realizing that I truly need to set boundaries around my space and I need to let other people in and let them help me.  I’m not very good at those things, but I’m realizing that I truly need to follow that path if I want to have a happy life.

———————————————————————————————————————–

November 10, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional fluidity

Book:  Facing a moment of truth, convinced he knows best, feeling a little apprehensive

Guidance:  Be aware of assuming you know everything and ignoring advice.  Realize you don’t know everything

Journaling

I love the guidance to listen and not assume that I know everything.  That’s valuable advice.  I know I don’t know everything when it comes to emotions and I need to take a step back and evaluate the situation and look at things from multiple angles.  Emotions are never as simple as A+B=C and I trip myself up when I assume they are. 

November 20, 2017 Recap

I need to love who I am.

October 27, 2018 Review

This card is so real and meaningful for me.  I am really bad about this when it comes to assessing, assuming how other people are behaving.  I ALWAYS make it all about me and the truth of the matter is that it is rarely all about me.  Most of the time, people have other things going on in their life that don’t involve me at all.  I need to learn to just let go and trust that things will work out instead of assuming that they are not going to work out.  That is not helpful for me.

 September 16

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love how the golden orbs are flowing down from the sun.  They give the impression of movement and energy.

Book:  See below

Guidance:   See below

Journaling:

One of the key messages of this card is that clear communication is necessary.  Right now, it feels like clear communication is impossible for me as my head is so fuzzy and all I want to do is lay down and sleep.  Covid and my allergies are really kicking my butt.  However, it could also be that the fuzziness is a message.  A message to take care of myself and not overtax/ overstress myself.  I have a tendency to overstress myself and I feel like this card is reminding me to take care of myself.  To listen to the communications from my body.

Where I’m At:  I is my last day in Erie for the week so I’m sitting in the hotel finishing up my work for the week and trying to feel human again.  I feel like my face has been smashed in.

Weather:  It looks cool out there and a little misty.  I’m glad as I really don’t like hot days.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 63

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:06 / 7:35

————————————————————————————————————————

September 3, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love how the algae looks like rosemary and there is just enough orange in the drawing to let me know it is wands.

Book:  I am receptive to active energies within and around me.  I am ready for change.

Guidance:   Clarity of Mind and Heart helps forward movement

Journaling:

The thing is that for someone who helps other people change, I’m not very receptive to change.  I feel that I’ve finally got mostly comfortable at the bird and it is time to change.  I know the players, I like a lot of people I work with, and things are good.  However, when I really think about it, I know that things have not really been good since the Evil M joined the team.  She is rude and dismissive and I just don’t want to put up with her crap.  I’ve never had a coworker treat me so poorly and I know that it was always going to be or her.  However, the thing is that she’s not going to leave.  She’s a colonizer so it was always going to be me that had to leave.

I’m tired of continually reinventing myself, but I also refuse to let people disrespect me.  

Where I’m At:  I’m home this morning with the doggos.  Clark had an epic adventure last night.  He walked all he way up the stairs to my room in the middle of the night and woke me up because he wanted to sleep with his mommy.  I’m half asleep still because of it.

Weather:  Is already warm outside even though it is only 10 am.  It looks like it is going to be a scorcher.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 36%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:53 / 7:57

————————————————————————————————————————–

August 14, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Roe Tarot

Card Name:  Eight of Batons

First Impressions:  I love the jack rabbit as a symbol of speed.  That’s really unique and kind of cool

Book:  Acceleration, swiftness, things gather pace, positive communication, increased momentum

Guidance:   Things gathering momentum for positive change

Journaling:

It’s interesting as it feels like good things really are coming my way and that I need to hang on and enjoy the ride.  I know I’m going to get an offer tomorrow and I’m super excited as I’m ready to be done with Nestle.  I want a remote job and don’t want someone pressuring me, however subtly, to come back to work.  I don’t see any value in being in the office.  I get more work done at home and I’m better able to focus on my responsibilities.  I hate being in the office and being interrupted constantly.  It is bad enough when people interrupt on Teams.

The other thing I think is that work gives you an illusion of friendship, but it isn’t true friendship.  It is a work friendship and when you leave the company, the friendship goes away.  I’m ready to put my time and energy into real friendships and not work friendships.  

Where I’m At:  I’m home today.  Having a lazy day with the dogs.  Sean is off today, but he’s feeling sick.  I’m also feeling rotten and I checked myself for Covid, but I’m negative.

Weather:  The weather was beautiful today.  the high was only 74 so it was a nice day to sit outside and hang with the dogs.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 92%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:32 / 8:28

————————————————————————————————————————-

 July 10, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Blazing across the universe.  The Eight of Wands are coming in for a landing.  I love the diamonds or whatever they are on them.

Book:  Action, direction, swiftness, direction, movement

Guidance:   Let yourself be carried by the flow and trust where it will lead

Journaling:

I am not very good at trusting the flow. I love to direct and guide and the thought of trusting the universe is not comfortable for me.  However, I also know that when I let go and trust my instincts and the signs instead of overthinking things, things turn out well.  The Nest has been a good place for me to shelter during the storm of Covid as I was safe from being laid off and I was paid well.  However, as Covid wanes and life is changing, I’m getting shaken loose from being stuck against the moorings and it is time for me to be back out in the free flowing water.

I’m at the place right now where I am just putting it out there that I am ready for whatever is next.  Maybe next is a new position at The Nest and maybe it is something else.  We’ll just see what happens as I try to let go and go with the flow.

Where I’m At:  I’m enjoying a lazy day at home before I have to travel tomorrow.  I have to get my laundry done and my bag packed so that I’m ready to go after my first meeting tomorrow.

Weather:  It was actually a pretty nice day today as the weather stayed nice and the dogs and I spent some time chilling outside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 85

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:00 / 9:02

—————————————————————————————————————————-

 January 16, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Fireworks, fast moving, lighting up the sky

Book:  Opportunities, new energies coming in and sparking rapid growth, pathways are opening

Guidance:  Take risks and initiate activities

Journaling:

Wow!  I love the reading on this card and the reminder that sometimes we have to take risks.  One of the things I’ve realized is that I need to change my mindset and I’ve started asking myself, “What I would do if I didn’t care…”  Obviously, there are certain things I do care about, but there are a lot more where I’m really not invested in the outcome and I don’t really care if I succeed or fail.  This is a question I started asking myself when I was thinking about when I was contemplating applying for my master’s degree.  It had to be a program where I was true to myself and not something where I regurgitated answers based on what the teacher had fed us in lectures.  It also had to be safe space where I was free to explore my own thoughts and beliefs. 

When I decided to apply to WMU, I wrote the essay that said what was important to me.  I didn’t write an essay for the purpose of getting in.  Cam ripped my essay apart and she was right to do so because it was mean and judgmental.  I wrote a new essay where I laid my heart bare and she ripped that essay as well because it was too emotional.  I sat on it for a few days and I decided that that was the essay I was going to go with because it was from my heart and it spoke my truth.  I wasn’t going to write a political essay for the sole purpose of being accepted.  To Cam’s surprise, but not mine, I was accepted with my essay.

Deciding that I don’t care or that things don’t matter frees me to be myself and to be my own person.  And that is a wonderful thing that I’ve found has the unexpected, but delightful, effect of opening up pathways to me and leading me to the things that are right for me.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot (Red Dakini)

First Impressions: My first impressions are of a beautiful red fire goddess falling into a small village.  There is a sense of haste and purpose.

Book:  Let the rush lead to a new awakening, Inviting change in, a great energetic shift, seducing people to follow impossible dreams.

Guidance:  Get out of the way and go for the ride, invite the Goddess in, follow your desire

Journaling:

I’m not sure what to do with this energy.  A feel there is a change a’brewing, but I don’t truly know what I want in my life.  I don’t know.  Part of me just wants peace in my life.  I don’t want to change the world or just buy things.  I just want peace.  I want to wake up and look into my soul and clean away the debris that has accumulated there.  I want to live a simple life, but how do I get there?  How do I live a contemplative life while still being in the world.

December 28, 2017  Revisit

This week has been a really good experience for me in letting go and choosing to live in peace.  I’m not thrilled that we have to have daily meetings to resolve defects, but I’ve realized that I have  choice:  I can choose to let the 30 minute daily meeting ruin my entire day or I can choose to say, this is 30 minutes that I need to spend doing this, but then I’m done.  It really is a choice and I’ve been doing a good job of choosing to do the meeting and let go.  That is so much progress for me because before I would have spent the entire day in a snit because I had to have this one 30 minute meeting.

I’m also doing a good job of choosing to let go of not being able to spend as much time cleaning the house as I want to.  It’s really hard to clean around people and to a certain extent that annoys me, but I can choose to get all angry and pissy about them sitting there or I can just choose to relax and do something else.  It is my choice.

—————————————————————————————————–

May 22, 2016

Deck:   Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Eight of Fire

First Impressions:  Inspiration, Beauty, Meterors in the sky, messages from the heaven, being attuned to the world

Book:  Stay Open to Inspiration

January 8, 2022 Revisit

I find it incredibly odd that I did not journal at all on this card.  I don’t remember what was going on in my life when I pulled this card.  I do know that I was traveling to California every week and I’m sure I was burned out and stressed.  What I’m thinking is that I was so burned out and stressed that I wasn’t ready to be open to beauty and inspiration at all.  I think the best part about revisiting my tarot journals is the perspective that time gives us.  When I’m writing something I am so in the moment, but when I look at things later, things look differently.

 September 16, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this version of the Tower as it feels safe and if the person is rising about the problems instead of being destroyed by them.

Book:  I was made for this storm.  I embrace change and connect more deeply with my divinity.

Guidance:   Embrace change and trust in the opportunity and life energy it brings

Journaling:

I have difficulties embracing change and I also know that I struggle to look at each step as a step in the process and not the end state.  I know that this is not the end state for me.  My end state will be something that works more closely with people and helps them change their lives instead of working for corporations.

I do know that I need to be open to each place I end up as a stop and not the final destination.  I learned so much from Glenn as he did a really good job of getting the best out of everyone.  He had definitive personalities on his team, but he worked with them.  The only thing he really wasn’t successful with was getting M to STFU!  That girl loves to make it all about her.  I’m wondering if Glenn let her do that and viewed it as the price to pay for the good things she brought.  I’m also wondering how much control he actually had over what she did as Asshat seemed to think she was awesome.  There are take aways there for me for sure.  I also really enjoyed the mentoring I did and that is something I will carry forward.

Where I’m At:  I’m in Erie this week and hanging out in a hotel.  Unfortunately, the ragweed count is high and I’m feeling pretty sick.  My head and throat are killing me.  I’m going to take some more pills and go to bed soon.

Weather:  It was pretty nice today.  The weather was the perfect temperature.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 73%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:05/ 7:37

———————————————————————————–

 July 8, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Revolution

First Impressions:  I love this card.  She is so bold and forward thinking and I love how the building and the flag are overlaid.  This card truly speaks to burning shit down to make change.

Book:  See Below

Guidance:   See Below

Journaling:

Living in a country that was born of revolution makes our current times seem weird.  On the one hand, we believe in and celebrate our founders who forged this country in blood and bullets, but on the other we are taught to accept the rule of law and that our country has put in process to make sure revolution isn’t necessary.  I abhor what the Jan 6 rioters did because they were acting on lies.  However, there is a part of me that can understand being so angry that you do not see another course of action.  The illegitimate SCOTUS is tearing down everything this country was built on and taking away people’s rights and there is a part of me that believes they need to be paraded in the streets and tarred and feathered for their actions.  And after the assholes took away a woman’s right to a private medical decision, then the asshats are demanding their privacy.  How hypocritical!

There is a part of me that just wants to go away and live somewhere where I don’t have to interact with anyone and can pretend all this bullshit isn’t happening.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home with the doggos.  I should have had summer Fridays, but I had a meeting with Modesto at 4 pm.  I about broke down in the grocery store today as I’m so upset about all the crap going on in the world.

Weather:  It isn’t horrible out today.  Cam said it was super humid, but it didn’t feel that bad out when I went out a bit ago

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 65%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:58/9:03

————————————————————————————————————————–

 June 14, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Revolution

First Impressions:  Fighting with everything you have, women’s march, doing what you can for what you want

Book:  Disruption, evolution, start anew, dismantle, transformation

Guidance:   Dismantle systems that are not working

Journaling:

Dismantling systems that aren’t working is always good advice, but the problem is that the people who are in power are fighting back against dismantling those systems.  There is so much systematic racism in this country and systematic misogyny, I don’t even know how to begin to dismantle it.  The problem is that for individual women or people of color, it is advantageous to go along with the discrimination and “be one of the boys” as that will improve an individual’s position.  However, the truth of the matter is that a person who is different can never be one of the boys.  They will tolerate you and they will use you, but they will never truly consider you an equal.   That is the sad truth of the matter.  

I know that women are always treated differently because we are “too emotional” or “too something.”  I also know that women have to prove they can do a job before they get it and work for less or do the job with a lesser title, but men are given opportunities because they have potential.  I wish I knew how to change the world and to make things better for everyone else, but I don’t.  I will be honest and say that there is a big part of me that just wants to walk away and take care of me and  mine.  I think I’m just too tired for revolution.

Where I’m at:  I’m at home today and the weather isn’t bad so I’m spending time hanging out outside with the doggos.  It was a full strawberry moon today, but it was overcast so we couldn’t see it

Weather:  It was actually nice today.  The weather really awesome for hanging out side with the dogs

Moon Phase:  Full Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:02

————————————————————————————————————————-

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  I really like this card because it shows not only the tower falling, but also fire and a flood.  To me this card represents “when it rains, it pours” and the fact that it often seems like all the bad stuff happens at once.

Book: Upheaval, adversity, ego death, chaos, fall from grace 

Guidance:  the screw turns regardless, jump or fall

Journaling:

This is an interesting card and meaning.  On first glance, I am reminded that some times semi-bad things happen so that worse things do not.  I’ve always known that when weird travel snafus happen I need to pay attention to the because I could be being forced to take a different path so that worse things (like an accident) don’t happen.  I have no clue why my travel was so screwed up, but I have learned to never push too hard when things go wrong.

However, as I read this, I am struck by the phrase ego death.  I have been working with my ego a lot lately and working to let go of how my ego keeps me trapped.  I’m not sure what the solution is and there is a part of me that feels like ego is not a bad thing as it helps me to realize that i do deserve things and I do deserve to be loved.

Where: I’m in Trenton, MO.  Today was an interesting day as I was planning to fly out of Cleveland, but then my flight was delayed and there wasn’t enough time to get from gate to gate in Detroit so I just drove to Detroit and left from there.

Weather:  My drive to Detroit was horrendous as I hit rain and hail.  However, once I got to MO, it was pretty clear.

Moon Phase:  Waning, Gibbous 90%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:28 am / 7:58 pm

—————————————————————————————————————————-

March 15, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Homeless, destruction, not understanding what is happening

Book:  Change thrust upon you, rug pulled out from under you, beliefs challenged, shift in the matrix, chaos of change

Guidance:   Trust that you will be held

Journaling:

Trust in the universe and in the divine is difficult right now as I watch the images playing out on the screen of people who were going about their everyday lives and got bombed.  There are days when I think nothing is going to work out and that life is a huge stinking pile of shit.  There are days it feels so meaningless and as if nothing that I do will make a difference.  However, then I see a kindness play out and I am reminded that there is good in this world.  And that good keeps me getting up in the morning and remembering that there are people who do good work and there are people who care.

Where I’m At: I’m at home and just about ready to go to bed.  My head is throbbing as it has been for about the last week.  I don’t know what’s going on, but I am really struggling lately.  I manage to make it through work, then my head just pounds.

Weather:  It was about 50 today and while it was a little overcast, it was not a bad day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 85%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:40 am / 7: 32 pm

————————————————————————————————————————- January 2, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Falling, Rapunzal, Brambles

Book:  Massive change, upheaval, 

Guidance:  Beliefs are shattered and understandings are ruptured

Journaling:

NO NO NO.  I do not need any more upheaval in my life.  The last two years have been hell and I don’t need any more change.  The past two years have truly been hell and I don’t want the foundation knocked out from under me again.  That is my gut reaction to pulling this card, however I also know that good things can come out of having your beliefs shattered as it can lead to a whole new life.

One of the beliefs that I’m pondering right now is whether or not a “real job” is required to survive in the world.  I was brought up to believe that in order to survive you needed to anchor your fortune to that of a company, but I’m starting to wonder if that is the truth or just a lie that the patriarchy tells us to control us.

Something else I am contemplating as I read this card is whether or not the tower card is really about the sudden and clear clarity that comes as a flash of light.  The clarity that comes when there is nothing hidden and you can see for miles.  

———————————————————————————————————————–

September 11, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Falling, grief, collapse

Book:  Something new can be built, change will bring release from habitual patterns that no longer serve us

Guidance:  Old structures fall down bringing release from old patterns

Journaling

I chose the tower today because it is the day that the towers fell and 18 years after that event, I’m realizing that the falling of the towers was not just a terrorist attack on the United States, I’m also realizing that in some ways the falling of the towers represented the fall of the patriarchy, the fall of our hubris, the release of our arrogance.  America has always been a place that prides itself on its openness and acceptance and while the towers falling brought out some of the best of humanity, it also brought out some of the worst.  We had Sikhs and Muslims attacked because people could not separate the fact from the fantasy and could not accept that people other than Christians could be peace loving.

Trump represents the worst of us and I believe he is deepening the tower times as his policies are harming so many people.  However, I believe that ultimately the message of the tower will be reinforced and there will be something else we are able to build on the ashes of what we have now.  There is so much ugliness and pain, but I think that exposing the layers of ugliness will help us clean out the old and the nasty and create a new world.

Never Forget!

Gratitudes

I’m grateful people still remember 09/11

I’m grateful for the beautiful day

I’m grateful for the pizza

I’m grateful for getting to go home a day early

I’m grateful for the beautiful Chicago skyline

I’m grateful for driving down LSD in a little red convertible

I’m grateful for a hug from Scott

—————————————————————————————————————-

May 23, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Change forced up on us, dramatic change

Book:  Having our self delusion torn away, release from a stagnant condition,

Guidance:  If you haven’t learned the hard way, chances are that something major needs to shift, be prepared for guidance from unexpected sources

Journaling

Sometimes when we do not have the courage to take a leap of faith out of a bad situation as the Fool asks us to do, the world crumbles around us and we are left in a pile of rubble that has us questioning the meaning of our life.  For me this happened when my now ex-husband announced four months after a life altering heart attack that he was moving out.  I was devastated because I had spent 22 years twisting myself into knots to be the person he wanted me to be.  I felt as if my security was ripped of its foundations and I was left floundering.  I was no longer a wife and it felt as if all of my worth had been taken from me.

Fast forward nine years and I’m truly happier than I’ve every been in my life as I own my own beautiful home, my two kids live with me, I have an interesting and challenging dog, I have two pit bulls playing and bringing me joy, and I’m comfortable in my own skin.  I’m not trying to fit myself into someone else’s idea of who I should be.  As I look back on my marriage, I realize that it was an angry and hateful place to be and not a place of love and support.  My ex-husband’s undiagnosed mental health issues meant that he was incapable of being loving and supporting.  I didn’t realize exactly how on edge and stressed I was for most of my marriage and the first few years after my divorce, it felt uncomfortable to be peaceful and not have that stress in my world.  However, I’ve become acclimated and I’ve learned that peace is a wonderful place to be.

As I reflected on this card yesterday, the twin towers came up over and over and over.  I’d catch snippets on the tv about the twin towers, two of my assignments for class talked about the twin towers, and those images played over and over on the tv and in my head.  It made me think about whether there was a greater cosmic meaning to the towers than a single act of hate.  I’ve realized they were about shaking us out of our complacency and forcing us to confront the ugliness and hate in our world. 

Deck:  RWS Tarot

First Impressions:  Dramatic change, the world tumbling down

Book:  All around is destruction, ignorance and stupidity produce man’s greatest ills, change, conflict

Guidance:  If it has to be destroyed, be rid of it, don’t be selfish, listen to wisdom and reason, can mean a change

Journaling

I always have mixed feelings about the tower card.  It means change of the sudden and dramatic type.  I’m not ready to have my life shaken up, but then I guess no one is ever ready for that kind of shakeup.  I do know that I’m not happy right now and I’m feeling lonely and at loose ends.  I’m not positive how to resolve that, but maybe being in California for two weeks will be good for me.  I’m sad about giving up my poetry reading, but I also didn’t want to do the trip home with the horrendous commute.  I guess I just need to be open to what is and open my heart.

December 29, 2018 Update

There are so many amazing things about pulling tarot cards on a consistent basis and about going back and actually reading through and reflecting on what I’ve written.  For me, it is amazing to see that my highs and lows are evening out.  As I do my tarot on a regular basis, I am starting to realize that there are always highs and lows and that the day starting out poorly does not mean that it will end poorly.  I have way more control about how the day ends than I think I do.  I have been working really hard to step back and put my life into perspective instead of just letting myself freak out over everything.  Taking the time to do that really and truly helps.

—————————————————————————————————————————

November 13, 2016

Note:  Card was pulled reversed

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Maintaining old ways, more subtle loss

Book:  Tower as worldview, oppression and cataclysm, relying on false impressions, misrepresentation by others, the seeker will succeed, too much openness, can be damage

Guidance:  Let the truth be illuminated, seeing the delusions in the ruins

Journaling:

I don’t how to read this card.  The cynical part of me reads it as shattering of illusions and of course i take that to mean letting go of X.  It’s really easy for me to get down on myself and ask why anyone would want to be with me anyway.  It’s really easy to feel hopeless today.  I’m in a flipping hotel room alone.  I’ve also started to admit to myself that i really don’t want friends, I want love.

July 6, 2019 Review

Hindsight is always 20/20 and in hindsight I know that I never wanted friends and always wanted love.  That’s because I didn’t believe that I was strong enough, smart enough, or anything enough to be by myself.  I needed someone to make me whole, but I’ve learned that I don’t need anyone to make me whole.  I am a complete person all by myself.  I’m at the point now where I want someone to date and to go out and hangout with.  I’m not really sure I want anything more serious than that because I kind of like being my own person.  I like being able to paint my bathroom pink, then change my mind and decide I want it gray.  I like being able to decide I’m going to North Carolina for a convention without having to ask anyone.  I do have to coordinate around the dogs, but I don’t have to deal with someone being emo because I’m doing something for myself.

The delusion was that I needed him or that I wasn’t whole and complete onto myself.  I am whole and complete unto myself and while I like having other people in my life and there are times I need other people to help me, but don’t need to be dependent on anyone.  I think I’m learning the difference between interdependence and dependence and co-dependence.  Interdependence means I need and rely on other people for things and I take their needs into account, but I don’t always make their needs secondary to mine.  I weight their needs and mine and make a conscious decision and that is significantly different thank making someone else more important than me.

———————————————————————————————————————

May 15, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Lightening, pulled reversed

First impressions:  There are changes coming in my life, but they are not of central and painful changes.  

Book:  Fears and avoidance may be postponing a needed change or upheaval.  Attempting to control outcomes is not productive.  Use this as an opportunity to deepen my courage.

Journaling

I need to let go of x.  I need to accept that we are not meant to be together right now and move on.  I’ve moved on in so many ways but I haven’t given up hope.  I still hope we will end up together and I need to let go of these expectations.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

Okay, I’m pretty tired of reading over and over and over that I need to let go of X.  The truth of the matter is that I am finally pretty much over him.  I think the thing that is striking for me is that I’m tired of always being the one to reach out.  I get that I moved and that I come back to Chicago, but he doesn’t come to Cleveland, but he never texts unless I text first and I’m really tired of it.  I want friends and maybe a potential partner that reaches out to me.  I need a relationship of equals and if one person is always doing the reaching out, that’s not a relationship of equals.  Especially because I got so tired of hearing him bitch about other people no longer reaching out to him, but he never reached out to them.  

Relationships are two way streets and if someone isn’t reaching out and making an effort to be your friend, then it might be time to mvoe on.  I know there are times when it makes sense to reach out to people and to be there for them, but in the normal course of relationships they should be 50/50 and this one isn’t.  I’m realizing that I deserve better than this and that I matter.  If someone wants to be my friend, they need to meet me half way.

 September 14, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it is so playful with a cat or other animal hiding behind the algea or rosemary.

Book:  Although this path is long and winding, my path remains clear

Guidance:   Safeguard your heart and body

Journaling:

This is an interesting card as I do know that I need to safeguard my body as I am feeling he effects of not taking care of myself.  I feel like my blood sugar is super high and I just feel rotten.  That’s why I made the decision to not go out for a walk in the woods today as the ragweed count is high and it doesn’t make sense to make myself sicker.  I really do need to make an effort to pay attention to my body.

The message about safeguarding my heart is one I am struggling with as I’ve always safeguarded my heart by putting barricades and I think in some ways it has hurt me.  I haven’t let people in and I’ve made excuses to keep people out.  The one person I let truly in from a semi-romantic (well wishing more than anything) was B. and I ended up getting hurt because I don’t even know if he cared about me.  That hurt when he was able to just stop being friends with me.

Where I’m At:  I’m in Erie today.  I worked all day and then went to Smoky Bones for dinner.  I have to be honest and say it is getting hard to concentrate as this room is hot and there is so much new information to learn.

Weather:  It was nice out today.  The temperature was perfect and it wasn’t rainy.  I sat outside for a bit after dinner and just watched the sky.  It was beautiful

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 81%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 /7:38

————————————————————————————————————————-

July 24, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Nine of Batons

First Impressions:  I love this image of the knight in his castle on the elephant defending his space.  It is fun and dreamy, but definately invokes protection.

Book:  Unassailable strength, position of security, powers in opposition

Guidance:   Stick to our guns

Journaling:

It’s interesting that this card came up today, because it also came up in my trauma work yesterday.  The message in that case was sometimes it is easier to walk away than to expend all the energy in a losing fight.  As I reflect upon my marriage, I really wish I had been into taroting at the time because I was expending a whole lot of energy in a losing fight.  As I reflect back, I realize that there was no way I was going to be happy in that marriage.  We had two different ideas of what happiness was.  For me, happiness is reading, taroting, cleaning, spending time being myself.  For John, happiness was very much an external activity as he enjoyed being around people, going places, and being an extrovert.

The thing is that I don’t always believe that introverts and extroverts are incompatible, but they were for us because he did not value my way of being.  He thought his way was the only way and when one person is so dogmatic that they cannot accept the other person for who they are, things won’t work.  However, there are other battles that are work staying and fighting like the battle over Roe.  However, I don’t believe that protests are the way to go.  Protests do not change minds because everyone is speaking to their peers and people who believe the same thing they do.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home sitting in my messing living room.  However, today it feels like a good mess because I’ve been working on cleaning the house and moving the energy.  And anytime you actually move the energy, the house starts to feel better.  It isn’t perfect yet, but it is starting to feel better.

Weather:  It’s 84 out, but feels like 90.  I was thinking of going to an abortion rights rally, but I’m not sure.  I really just like hanging out at home and puttering.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 15%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:12 / 8:53 PM

————————————————————————————————————————-

April 5, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Standing sentry, guarding her territory, fences make good neighbors

Book:  Determination, defiance, resilience, last defense

Guidance:  Needing a break from the monotony of being protective

Journaling:

I feel like I am always on guard and that I always have my shields up ready to defend the people that I love.  I feel like I’m never able to relax, let my guard down and just be.  It also feels like there is always more work to do.  However, I know from the past that always having your shields up is not a good position to be in because you get stuck and defensive.  I feel like I’m always watching my back and the news does not help as it feels the world has become a very unsafe place.  

One of the things that I need to learn to do is surrender and let go of my need to control everything.  I need to quit fighting some battles that don’t need to be fought. And I’m doing the thing that i always do when I think about letting go, I’m making it about the worst case.  I say I need to surrender and my mind goes to “well the Ukrainians shouldn’t surrender…”  However, that is not the battle I’m talking about and I know it.  My surrender is about surrendering to circumstances and what’s going on in my life.  I do not live in Ukraine and my surrendering is not about life and death. 

I need to learn that some sayings / life meanings are contextual and don’t really apply to every single context.  Surrendering to where I’m at right now is not surrendering to be murdered by Putin.  It means surrendering to the fact that this is the job and the life that I have right now and that there are things I can do to change it, but right now I need to let go.  I need to surrender to the fact that M is annoying, that I’m not going to be with B, that my financial situation is what it is.  M and even YMAN are not Putin.  They are not going to murder me in my sleep.  Surrendering and accepting that they are who they are is not surrendering to be murdered in  my sleep.  Surrendering to the fact that there are peopel I am never going to like and who are not going to like me is not surrendering to have my house bombed.

I need to learn to surrender to where I’m at and who I am.  That doesn’t mean I can never change my life, but it means surrendering to the fact that I have diabetes and really need to give up sugar.  It means surrendering to the fact that I’m not perfect.  Surrendering to the fact that B isn’t going to do what I want  him to do.

I think I need to have a ritual of surrender and make a list of all the things I need to surrender to.

Where: It’s morning and I’m sitting on the couch with Wendy watching the sun come up (okay, it’s been up for a while, I’m just watching it get higher in the sky.  Oop…it’s time for Wendy to go out!

Weather:   It’s a little chilly out, but not too bad and the sun is shining so maybe it will actually be a nice day.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 17%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:03 am / 7:56 pm

————————————————————————————————————————–

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Crawling the last few steps

Book: Enduring many challenges, close to completion of the journey

Guidance:  Hang in there, you have learned many lessons and are close to completion

Journaling

There have been so many days lately where it feels as if I will never reach a place of peace and happiness.  There have been so many trials and tribulations and it feels as if the burdens just keep piling on instead of being removed.  This card is about being battered and bruised, but digging deep within to find the strength to keep going.  I’ve been in this place many times before and I’ve always been able to dig down and find that little bit more to keep persevering.  However, this time it feels as if there is no more, as if the well is dry and there is nothing more to find within my reservoir.  I don’t even know who I can lean on in this time of deep soul pain.  And it feels as if I am not only bearing my own soul pain, but I’m also bearing Cam’s as well.

This card is telling me that I can make it, that I can find what I need to push past the finish line and be successful.  I don’t know where I’ll find that little bit more, but I will keep looking for it and I will just keep pushing forward.  Interestingly, what they are telling me is that it is not about finding a little bit more right now, the key for me right now is to lean on my staff and to take a breather.  The key for me in this card is to know when to stop and take a breather and when to continue pushing forward.  There is no point in reaching the goal if I am going to collapse across the finish line.  True wisdom and knowledge is knowing when to push and knowing when to pull back.

Now is a time when I need to pull back, when I need to rest and not continue to push.  I need to take a break and let myself be human.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Fending people off, protecting oneself, defensive

Book:  Dedication, discipline, and persistence have prepared you for whatever comes your way, how much of your defensiveness is paranoia over the past

Guidance:  Do not always be on high alert

Journaling:

WOW!  This is an amazingly insightful card and I was feeling a little angry and put out today because it feels like all I do is cleanup.  I was in a lot of ways comparing where I am now to the past, but this is nothing like the past.  The people who aren’t cleaning up aren’t being spiteful and don’t think I should do it all, they just don’t see the mess the same way I do.  Where it is important to me to clean it up right away, they do not have the same level of need to clean things up. It doesn’t mean that they don’t value me or the house, it just isn’t a priority for them.

I also need to stop assuming that because people don’t answer my emails right away or don’t get back to me that they are working to sabotage me behind my back.  It could just mean that they are busy.  The funny thing is that I always gave John the benefit of the doubt about his working behind my back and he was the biggest saboteur of all.  He worked to sabotage my relationship with the kids, my job, my self image, and anything else he could sabotage.  I always gave him a pass because “I did something wrong” or he had a hard childhood or any other bullshit excuse I could come up with.  However, the truth came out in the death throes of our marriage when he admitted that he wanted to take me down a few notches.

He thought I thought I was better than him so he wanted to bring me down to his level.  However, what I have realized in the eight years since we’ve been divorced is that there is no way he could ever bring me down to his level because I outclass him all the way around and that is not arrogance talking, that is reality.  I am a nicer person, I am more responsible, I have more grit than he could ever hope to have, and I work harder.  I’m the one that maintained a relationship with the kids and made sure they were taken care of through college.  It has taken me a long time to say that and be confident that it is the truth, but I know that it is the truth and that it is not arrogant or stuck up to say it because it is factual.

————————————————————————————————————————-

April 10, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Waiting, battle weary, fortress

Book:  Ready to face opponents, resting before returning to fighting, determination, courage, strength through adversity

Guidance:  Time to rest and collect your thoughts, success is the only possible outcome

Journaling

One of the messages I need to take from this is that I need to pick my battles.  Not every battle is worth fighting!  Wow!  That was pretty prophetic as someone online really pissed me off by posting a long interpretation about a post I’d made.  I wasn’t looking for any interpretation, I was just putting my thoughts out there, but this moron proceeded to give me his interpretation.  I then thanked everyone but him for their comments and he got pissy and said I won’t reply to your stuff anymore.  I really wanted to reply and say, “Good!”  However, that would have been petty.  I’m just going to let it go and not disrupt the peace of the board.  I’m not sure why some jackass felt the need to post and interpret my cards, but I don’t need his response and if I could remove it, I would.  Not responding is such a difficult thing to do.  I love to have the last word, but some people aren’t worth it and he wasn’t worth it.

December 29, 2018 Review

In retrospect, maybe it would have been worth it to post and remind him that I didn’t not ask for comments and that I was perfectly capable of interpreting my cards myself.  One of the things that I have learned this year is that I need to start evaluating whether I am not speaking up and defending myself because I want to keep the peace or because I am afraid of conflict.  My response to the jackass in Chicago who commented on my body made me feel so empowered! 

I know that in the past, I would have pulled my coat tighter and scurried off like a little mouse because I was afraid.  I would have been seething and angry inside, but I would have been a) afraid to provoke him, b) afraid to hurt his feelings, and c) afraid of what people would think of me.  All of those are totally bullshit responses.  My mother conditioned me to put everyone else’s feelings ahead of mine and I would have done that even with this worthless piece of rude shit.  However, no more.  His feelings were not more important than mine.  He was a worthless piece of shit with no manners and my speaking out was the right thing to do.  Even if he thought I was a bitch, that didn’t matter.  What mattered is how empowered that I felt.

————————————————————————————————————————-

December 15, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Resting

Book:  Not expecting failure, puzzled, retreat and regroup, take time to reflect, withdraw, to heal , to learn.  Not letting his guard down, stick to his guns, a survivor

Guidance:  Hold the fort, learn from the past, stick to your guns

Journaling

I know I’m right in the mom situation and I know expanding more energy on her will only hurt me, but the little girl in me wants a mom who is willing to concede and wants to regress to a little girl.  I can’t do that.  I have come too far and worked too hard to get where I am.

The grownup part of me realizes she is toxic and will never change.  She is stuck in the mother knows best mindset and she is unwilling to learn a new way.  One of the things I have learned from program is that you can only help the willing.  It is not that I am leaving her.  I am shining a light and she is unwilling to follow.  She is stuck in denial and defensiveness and is unwilling to seek or accept help.

July 1, 2018  Review

Although I’m not proud of my behavior the last few days and I’ve had a few tantrums and not been very nice to be around, at the end of the day, I have accepted that I have behaved like an ass and I’m working to make amends and repair my relationships.  I did have my moments of defensiveness where I was angry that Cam said I was just like my mother and I was angry at her, but then I took a step back and realized that I was behaving like my mother and I wasn’t liking what I was seeing in the mirror.

Even though I did not do it perfectly and even though I behaved like an ass, I am proud of myself for taking the step back and realizing that I could do better and that I needed to do better.  I am not perfect, but I am a human becoming and that is a good thing.

———————————————————————————————————————–

November 7, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First impressions:  Contemplation

Book:  Full of fire and ready to fight another day, refusing to ask others for help, resistance to change

Guidance:  Ask for help, be open to change

Journaling

This card is about the hard won courage that comes from sticking to our guns when it would be so easy to give in and give up.  I have to be honest and say I feel that way today.  After my mother’s guilt trip yesterday, it would be so easy to give in and play the good daughter.  But I can’t go back to having her question everything I do, especially as she isn’t even mature enough to accept that she’s doing it.  I need people who are loving and supportive in my life, not people who constantly tear me down.  However, part of me says I should just let go and accept who she is.

September 1, 2018 Review

What I know now after a lot of introspection, a lot of journaling, and a lot of hard conversations with myself is that accepting who she is and keeping her out of my life are not mutually exclusive.  She is not good for me and having her in my life is detrimental to my mental health.  However, I have also had to accept that I need to let go of her and not think that she will be the person I need her to be in my life because she is incapable of that.  She doesn’t have the self awareness or the skills to be the loving, kind, and nonjudgmental person that I need in my life.  And it is okay for me to not have her in my life as an act of self preservation.

———————————————————————————————————————-

May 14, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Nine of Fire, Card pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Im in alignment with the universe and the kundalini energy is flowing through me.  I’m able to get myself into sacred space where life flows

Book:  Self confident, at peace with myself, radient yet humble, able to handle whatever comes my way.

Journaling:

It is interesting because despite all the reversed cards I’ve drawn lately, this is where I’m at most days.  I’m at peace with myself and feel like I’m in a good space.

September 12, 2022

Deck:  Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the almost yin and yang type symbolism of this card with the tattoos.

Book:  Harmony is within me, wafting with open arms.  Alignment with my Truth is all that I need.

Guidance:   Align with your own truth

Journaling:

It is really hard to align with my own truth when I have bills to pay.  My truth isn’t working for a big company, it is helping people find their way in this world.  It is addressing the true people side of things and not just the people side of things so people can keep their jobs.  

I really need to find a way to pay off my house and my bills so that I can do something I’m truly interested in.  Maybe the first piece of that is in sitting down and spending some time detailing exactly what my truth is and exactly what I want.  If I an write it out, it will be way easier to manifest it.

Where I’m At:  I started my new job today and I think I’m going to like it.  It is a huge job and I’m super excited about what I’ll be doing.  I started the day at home and drove to Erie to spend some time.

Weather:  It was nice and cool today and a little bit overcast.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 95%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:56/7:36

—————————————————————————————————————————

August 9, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the old fashioned nature of this card as it speaks to courting and not lust.  It is romantic and old fashioned and it just makes me happy to look at it.

Book:  Attraction, relationship, lover and beloved, Harmonious beauty, desire, partnership, romance and attachment

Guidance:   Make the right choice

Journaling:

What’s interesting to me about looking at these cards is that the focus has changed from choices to love as the cards have evolved from the original RWS.  Maybe Pamela Coleman Smith realized that determining who to have a relationship with is the most complicated choice of all.  I know my choice of John to get married to was a bad choice, but I had been so sheltered in my life that I didn’t see the red flags and there were plenty of them.  He already had two DUIs by the time we met, he’d been abandoned by women, and he was living with his mother.  Those are all really big red flags, but I didn’t have enough life experience to see them that way and I listened to his lies and his “Poor Me” tales of woe. 

My bigger mistake may have been staying so long, but I’m not sure.  The most dangerous time for a woman is leaving her abuser and if I had left earlier, I could have ended up dead or the kids could have.  I don’t think he would have hurt Sean, but I know he didn’t value Cam and was always suspicious that she wasn’t his.  And every time I talked about leaving, he guilted me and said that I was just like everyone else and was going to leave him.  He manipulated me into staying and to this day I’m not sure why.  I don’t know what he got out of my staying when he was clearly as unhappy as I was.  

However, there is also the possibility that he would have been fine with me walking away and not turned violent, but he could have sued for custody and my kids would have been more screwed up than they are if he had won.  He is one of the most unstable people that I have ever met and his emotional bullshit would have harmed them.

I don’t know what the right answer is and I guess it really doesn’t matter because I made the choice that I made.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and I slept late and cuddled with Wendy before getting up.  It is my last day of PTO and I don’t want to go back to work.  I’m realizing that I have no desire to go back into an office on a regular basis.  I like working at home and that means I’m going to look for an all remote job.

Weather:  It rained over night and it is cold and a little wet outside, but at least it is not ungodly hot like it has been the past few days

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 90%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:27/ 8:35

—————————————————————————————————————————

June 21, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Dark Goddess

Card Name:  The Wayfarer

First Impressions:  Indian, circle of lights, snake, apples

Book:  Love, Harmony, Values, Self-Love, Choice

Guidance:   Experience begets self respect

Journaling:

Experience begets self respect is an interesting thought and it is bringing up a lot for me today.  I know that I deserve everything I have because I have worked hard for it.  However, there is such a big part of me that feels like a sell out and like I sold out for money.  Then I realize that since it is just me paying the bills, I need to make what I make.  There is no one else to support me and I need to make sure I have enough.  I hate having to make money based decisions and I wish I could make heart based decisions, but I can’t right now.  

What I can do is look to see if there are decisions I can make that will make me the same money and let me move into a job that makes me happy and gives me satisfaction.  I want to work with people that I respect and do work that is interesting.  I am going to do some praying and reflecting and figure out what I want in a job.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and it was a rough day.  We had our Intelex meeting and as usual they didn’t really make a decision.  I want out so bad.

Weather:  It was super hot out today.  It cooled off in the evening, but it was bad earlier.

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter, 46%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:05

————————————————————————————————————————-

May 8, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Love, not lust.  approving angel, not a choice

Book:  Relationship, love, union, healing, duality, communication, choice required

Guidance: Where love abounds, temptation is found

Journaling:

Initially, I thought this was a super weird card to pull on Mother’s Day, however, as I reflect on it, it makes perfect sense.  Love is the ultimate choice and it is a choice we make every day when we are in a relationship.  We actively choose to be kind, we actively choose which behavior is acceptable, and we actively choose how we behave.  Unfortunately, my mother screwed up my brain on this because she modeled accepting unacceptable behavior over and over and over.  I will never forget how hurt she was when Grandma ignored her.  However, she chose to keep going back again and again.  And she taught me that that was the only choice.

Although it took me a long time, I learned that love doesn’t mean accepting abuse.  I learned that I was worth more than that and that once I started to love myself, I realized I did not have to accept unacceptable behavior and that included from her.  The thing is that she had a choice as well, once I told her what behavior I found unacceptable, she could have chosen to apologize and work to change her behavior.  However, she chose to dig in and her heels and double down on her shitty behavior.  She made a choice that maintaining her current worldview and shitty behavior was more important than having her family.  And I know change is hard and that it is scary to say I’m wrong, but she had that choice and I have a choice to and I choose not to have anything to do with her because she is abusive and harmful.

Where:  It’s Mother’s Day and Seano is cooking breakfast.  The dogs are chilling and I’m just sitting here and reflecting.  

Weather:  It is beautiful and bright out

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 45

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:12 am / 8:32 am

————————————————————————————————————————-

April 1, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Marraige of dark and light, passion, joining together.  While most lovers cards are about choices, this one seems to be truly about lovers.

Book:  Choices, duality, harmony, allowing yourself to fall in love

Guidance:   Seek to give wholly, while maintaining yourself

Journaling:

 This card is asking if I am ready to be fully in a relationship without losing myself and I don’t know the answer to that question.  I have spent the last 12 years working to figure out who I am and I actually have begun to like myself and to be comfortable in my own skin.  I’m afraid that if I am with someone I will lose myself again.  It cost me so much to be with John as I gave up so much of my core being to conform to his warped ideas of what I should be.  Apparently, my whole role was to conform completely to what he wanted and to give up all of myself,  It extended down to the underwear I wore and how I spent my time.  He never gave up anything for me, but I was supposed to give up everything.  He was so resentful that we went to Japan and I had a good career.  He wanted to make me pay for my success at every turn.  And I did.

I’ve become my own person and there is a part of me that is afraid of getting involved and losing myself.  I have to figure out how to be in a relationship and continue to be my own person.

Where: I’m at home on the couch while Wendy chews a bone and Clark chills out.

Weather: It was super windy today and my office was freezong.

Moon Phase:  New Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:09 am / 7:52 pm

—————————————————————————————————————————-

February 10, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Beauty and the beast, loving one who is other

Book:  Love, harmony, trust, a leap of faith, choice

Guidance:  Importance of communication

Journaling:

I love my Wendy bear so much.  She is my heart dog and my heart is breaking watching her lay lethargically on he floor.  I know part of it is because we gave her the gabepentin last night to help her sleep and reduce the agitation, but part of it is because she is in pain and doesn’t feel well.  I would so much rather it was me laying on the floor than her.  The good thing is that the vet should be able to fix her up and I know she is overall healthy because she was just seen not too long ago.  It just hurts when someone you love is in pain and you can’t do anything about it.  

And this is part of the reason I keep working even though I’m not thrilled with my job.  I know that I can pay for x-rays and whatever else she needs.  It would be so horrible to have a sick dog and not be able to take them to the vet because you couldn’t afford it.  And I will sacrifice whatever I have to to get her feeling better.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today.  I’m sitting on the couch and my poor baby is laying on the floor.  her ear hurts and she can’t walk on one of her paws.  I’m not sure what is up with that, but it may have something to do with the kerfuffle she got into with her brother.

Mood:  I am worried about my baby, sad that she is hurting, and furious at Cam for not taking care of the doggos on Tuesday when we left her home alone with them.  She gave them brand new bones, which they always scuffle over, then blithefully went to sleep.

Weather:   It is cold and crisp and a little bit overcast this morning.  The temperature is 37 and we are expecting some snow today.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 68%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:28 PM / 5:54 PM

—————————————————————————————————————————

First Impressions:  Entwined

Book:  Love can inspire us to grow beyond our boundaries

Guidance:  Choose what to do with the energy

Journaling

Love of all sorts has been on my mind lately as I digest the latest bomb that my mother threw my way.  However, I’m reading the book Shadow Daughter:  A Memoir of Estrangement and it is helping me so much as I’m realizing that I’m not alone and I’m realizing that there are other people who have estranged themselves from their families because of poor treatment.  Some of the stories included in that book really are helping me to realize that I am not alone and that there are other people who walked away because their families made them feel less than.  The book also touched on a lot of the shame that comes around estrangement as we are so wired to be part of a family and we are taught from the time we can walk that families matter and that we should be there for our families.

As much as my mother was the one that did the most damage, I’m starting to realize how much my father contributed to damaging my soul as he taught me that your elders were to be respected no matter what.  It didn’t seem to matter how horrible my grandmother treated my mother, she continued to go back for more and she taught me that it was okay for people you love to abuse you and that unconditional love was taking the abuse no matter what.  That’s an ugly horrible lesson to learn and one that I have worked hard to not teach my kids.  I think the issue is that my dad grew up with garden variety crazy and he didn’t have anyone in his family who was truly evil and when you just have garden variety crazy, the advice to respect your elders makes sense.  However, when you have evil and mean it does not.

Love is one of the hardest lessons in the world because we want to love unconditionally, but we still need to protect ourselves and that is a tremendously difficult dichotomy to understand.  I’m starting to realize that true love can hurt as we are all human beings, but true love should not demoralize or be physically abusive.  True love should always be respectful and the other person’s feelings should always matter.  That doesn’t mean we don’t inadvertently say hurtful things, but we should not set out to demoralize the other person and put them in their place.  I believe true love is about helping the other person to soar and making decisions that are in their best interests.  There may be times when that doesn’t happen, but overall we should work to help the other person be their best.  And when we truly have that loving environment, we can soar and we can move beyond our boundaries.

Gratidues

I’m grateful for the call with Jamie
I’m grateful for the support of the team
I’m grateful for the wonderful walk
I’m grateful for the yummy Mexican
I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy
I’m grateful for getting work done

August 5, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Entwined, enmeshed, oblivious to the world around them

Book:  Union, harmony with others and within ourselves

Guidance:  Be deliberate in your choices, give of yourself without losing yourself

Journaling

And that is the quintessential question, how to give of yourself without losing yourself.  I believe that is the reason that I’m terrified of falling in love again as I don’t know if I can give of myself without losing myself and I have fought so hard to find myself and to define myself that I’m terrified of losing myself again.  The last week has brought some deep revelations into my life and I feel as if I’m another step closer to being truly myself.  What I’m finding is that one of the ultimate questions in my life surrounding love is being open to loving myself.  I feel as if I’ve spent most of my life focused on my flaws instead of my attributes.  I’ve also always been way too willing to put myself down and allow myself to take a backseat to other people in my life.

It has only been recently that I’ve started to view myself as a valuable person with something to offer the world and as someone who deserves to live a good life.  Most of my life I’ve bought into the belief that I was somehow not deserving of the good stuff in life and that I should be grateful for the scraps I received.  However, my thinking has changed lately and I realize that I do deserve a seat at the table and that I should not be grateful for scraps. 

Finding this unity and self acceptance has really helped me to truly love myself and maybe at the heart of it, that’s what this card is about, being able to love the disparate parts of ourselves.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful I got back to my hotel at a reasonable hour

I’m grateful for the pictures of Wendy

I’m grateful for a good night’s sleep

I’m grateful for getting my work done

November 10, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Choices and love

Book:  Make good and balanced choices, consider all facts before making a choice

Guidance:  Don’t rush into decisions, live a passionate life

Journaling:

This card is about making choices.  For me, I’m reading it about choices for love and I need to get the old voices out of my head and let go of my fat as a protective mechanism and that’s kind of a scary thought.  However, along with letting go of the fat, I’m going to work to pick up some self defense skills and I’m buying a taser.  that will help me feel safer.

July 5, 2019

So I didn’t take the self defense courses, but I have started doing loving kindness meditations and they are helping me to feel so much better about myself overall.  I feel like I have a lot more confidence and I’m happier in my head.  That’s helping me to be more confident in my body and my clothes are really starting to be a lot looser.  I haven’t noticed the number on the scale moving, but I am moving more and I’m just feeling better about myself.  I also notice that when I am feeling more confident and calmer, I make better food choices.  Although it hurt like hell the time, I know that splitting from John was the best thing that ever happened to me.  It let me start to see what I am capable of on my own.  At first it was really just a glimmer, but now I know that I can have the life i want and do the things I want without someone to rescue me.

That doesn’t necessarily mean I am choosing not to have a relationship.  Instead, I am choosing to love myself and know that the relationship that is right for me will come along when I’m ready.  And until them,  I’m just going to hang out and love myself.

 September 11, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions: I love the majestic sea lion sunning himself.  He looks so grand and powerful

Book:  When in doubt, I return to my center

Guidance:   Have confidence in yourself and create your own structure

Journaling:

What I really love in this image is that the confidence of the sea lion comes so naturally.  He is basking in the sun, but he is putting off an energy of absolute confidence.  All too often, I have to work for my confidence and work to have it.  It takes a whole lot out of me.  I know that a lot of people find my intimidating, but they don’t realize how much energy it takes for me to be that intimidating.  

It is starting to be much easier to be confident and what I am realizing is that I am recovering confidence and not learning it from scratch.  Charlene took away my confidence with her putdowns and her sorry example of a groveling little twit.  She taught me to be afraid of authority because of what they could potentially take away.  However, what I have learned is that I have no need to be afraid of authority (at least boss types) because I am good at what I do and they have no reason to arbitrarily treat me unfairly.  And if I do, there are other jobs out there.

Sending that email to Asshat was a tremendous growth experience because I let go of fears of what he can do for me or to me.  He will grumble and be pissed off, but he’s most likely not invested enough to track me down at my new job and start crap.  He knows if he did, I could give it right back to him.

Where I’m At:  I was supposed to be on my way to Erie today so I could sit in a hotel room and start my new job, but due to FedEx, I am still sitting at home.  I know that a lot of things delays are put in place to protect me, but I’m still furious with the lies and the run around from FedEx.

Weather:  It is a beautiful misty day outside.  It’s been raining off and on.  I’ve got the window open and am hearing the birds outside.  It feels so much like a misty and otherworldly day.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 98%

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:01 / 7:44

—————————————————————————————————————————

 August 12, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  Regal, Ruler, Master of his own destiny

Book:  Authority, willpower, Executive ability, governance, leadership, stability

Guidance:   Be the master of your own destiny

Journaling:

I needed to hear this.  I need to make a decision based on what is ultimately the best for me.  I can’t worry about what other people think or what happens to the kids.  I need to think about what’s best for me and about what’s best for my life.  The easiest thing would be to stay at Nestle and to just keep doing what I’m doing, but that won’t make me happy.  I already know that.  The “friends” I have at work are the ones I whine with and that’s not the best type of friends to have.  I want friends that I can talk about cool stuff and about what’s good for me with.

The only thing keeping me from saying fuck it and walking away is knowing that I am walking away from a decent chunk of money because I’m not vested.  That is the piece that I’m not comfortable with nd that I haven’t worked through.  I want to retire at some point in the future and that money would go a long way.  I feel like it is a battle between my emotional well being and my financial well being and that’s not a good spot to be in.  I think I just need to take time to pray and reflect and ask to be guided.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today.  I’m still sort of reeling after all the drama this week and still trying to figure out what to do.  There is a big part of me that wants to just say f* it and walk away and if this job wasn’t so weird in terms of having to live in another state, that would be the very easy answer.  But I don’t want to rush a move and I don’t want to get fired for not working where I’m supposed to.  If it wasn’t for that, I’d be like f* this I’m leaving.  The other option is to just to stick it out until May when I’m vested, then get another job.

Weather:  It is sort of nice outside, but I’m so sad I don’t want to go outside.  I just want to sit and be with my sad little thoughts. 

Moon Phase:  Full moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:30 / 8:31

—————————————————————————————————————————-

 July 13, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Monarch

First Impressions:  Her clothing does not say Boss Lady to me.  She does not really look assertive.

Book:  Authority, Power, Assertiveness

Guidance:   Let go of your need to control a situation and let it develop organically

Journaling:

Wow!  This is yet another card that is telling me to go with the flow and that I don’t have to control everything.  However, that message is at odds with the message of authority, power, and assertiveness.  I’m struggling to reconcile those two messages and I can’t truly reconcile them.  However, as I reflect, I realize that this is a lot of what Glenn does.  He does not control everything that happens, but he gives us latitude and trusts us.  That is what a good leader does.  A good leader does not micromanage.  

And this is where I am a leader and the Evil M. is a manager, a micromanager at that.  She can’t let go of things and believes she is the only possible person who can control a situation.  This makes her a very good manager and a very good project manager, but it makes her a lousy person and a horrible leader.  Leaders trust their people are going to do what needs to be done and do not hound them for information.  They followup regularly, but they don’t micromanage.  I’d much rather be a leader than a manager.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about this Maya Angelou quote:  “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  I want to leave people feeling good.  I want to empower people them and help them.  To a certain extent, I get to do that, but it is hard when the Bitch M. (Maybe that is better than Evil M?) makes me feel like shit and I get defensive.  I think forcing myself to stay to deal with her BS is wrong, but I do need to look at how I can not let the bitch get under my skin.

Where I’m At:  I’m in Trenton, MO and we had a great day at the plant.  We had a walk through of the Submarine and we did a great job on gathering requirements.  The only problem was that I did not get any sleep last night.  

Weather:  It was 90 today and that super crappy, super swampy kind of weather

Moon Phase:  Full Moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:55 / 8:45

—————————————————————————————————————————-

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Standing the test of time

Book:  Father bringing structure and guidance, confidence, leadership

Guidance:  Cared of empowerment, share our skills to lead others to their own achievements

Journaling

I chose this card because I needed strong structural energy today.  This card is about being the architect of our own lives, being confident, being visionary, and owning our lives.    I feel like I am finally able to do that and to own my life.  I’m comfortable being alone and I’m comfortable being responsible for my life.  I no longer feel like I’m less than and that I need to rely on someone else to be a whole person.  The interesting thing is that I feel it in my whole being as I even walk more confidently than I did in the past.  I stand taller and I stride more confidently.  Coming into your own life is an interesting thing as it is about owning your life.  Owning the good stuff and the bad stuff.  There are things in my life that I don’t want to own like sometimes being petty or othering people, but what I have found is that by being able to own the bad stuff, I’m able to take steps to change it. 

As I read that, I realize that this goes back to the 3As in Al-Anon:  Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.  First I become aware of a situation and its negative impacts.  This can come from someone pointing something out or my becoming aware myself of a situation.  The next piece is acceptance and that means accepting my part of the situation and being objective about it.  Acceptance is not about beating myself up or bemoaning my fate, it is about looking at things from a factual perspective and about what I did or did not do to contribute to the situation.  The next step is action, which is figuring what I can do to change the situation, make amends, or learn from for the next time a similar situation arises.  The most uncomfortable part for me of the 3As is acceptance and having to look at my own contribution to situations. 

Applying the 3As and taking ownership of your life means not playing the victim and accepting that even if there are things that are outside of your control, you are still responsible for your response to the situation.  That’s another lesson from Al-Anon, learning to respond instead of react.  Responding means taking my time and developing a thoughtful response instead of shooting from the hip.  For me, the process of learning to respond unfortunately can mean working through anger, frustration, and other difficult emotions and I don’t always work through those in the prettiest of ways, but I am getting better about it.

June 30, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Oversight

Book:  Bringing structure to the world of the Empress, protectiveness, productivity, enterprise, force that organizes and rules

Guidance:  Look at your relationship with authority, be honest with yourself, assert yourself, set boundaries

Journaling

I do need to take a look at my relationship with authority because it is not a balanced relationship.  I either get so intimidated by people who are in a position of authority that I turn into a sniveling baby or I adapt my “F* the man” mentality and deliberately go out of the way to provoke authority figures.  I think this has to do with the bad cops that I saw in my childhood, the ones who were abusive, and took advantage of people because of the power that they had.  I am always somewhat leery about people who seek out power because I believe it makes them narcissistic or power hungry.  However, I also know that leaders are necessary because they can provide structure and guidance.

My poor relationship with authority also stems from my childhood and my relationship with my father.  I love my father and he was an amazing influence in my life, but he also had a very misogynistic view of women and thought that women should take a backseat to men because “men had to have the good jobs to support their families.”  I was so angry when I told him that a woman was going to become a director at work and he spouted that crap to me.  And at the time I was the primary breadwinner in my family.  I felt that it was incredibly insulting to be told that I shouldn’t go after a high powered job because a man needed it more.  This also went against my personal credo about work and that work is a business relationship and not a charity.  Jobs should go to the best qualified and personal need should have no part in making a decision about who gets the job.

This card is also about being honest with myself and what I am and am not capable of.  Historically, I’ve been a good leader, but not a good manager because I’m good at inspiring people and helping people rally behind a vision, but I haven’t been a good manager because I don’t like doing the course corrections.  However, when I take a step back and start to view management as helping people to be their best and helping provide them skills to succeed, I believe that I can be a good manager.  I believe the emperor is both a good manager and a good leader as he has the skills to inspire people,but can also set boundaries.

July 17, 2022

I think managing people and helping them make course corrections does help them, but I also don’t want to babysit grownups.  I think I can mentor and help people without managing them.  This is something I need to give a lot more reflection to, but as I ponder leadership I realize that I like to lead by example.  I don’t like to micromanage and have to constantly follow up with people like I’m their mom.  I have two kids thank you very much, I don’t want more 🙂

—————————————————————————————————————————-

March 27, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Master of his domain, rigid

Book:  Domination of mind over heart is sometimes necessary, now is a time you should find it easier to make choices

Guidance:  Enjoy the assertiveness and confidence that self control and confidence brings

Journaling

I like the message of this card.  I have not been feeling like the master of my domain lately.  I’ve been beating myself up and noticing every single screw up.  I’m also in that fearful place I fought so hard to get out of.  I’m feeling like I’m an idiot and as if nothing I say or do matters.  I think I’m feeling like I felt about my mother.  She always had to interject herself even if she had no clue what she was talking about.  The thing is that I am not that person.  I do know what I’m talking about and I do have the credentials to back it up.  I do matter and I am part of the team.

I’m also feeling like I don’t matter in my personal life.  I feel like a drudge.  It’s interesting in reading the JD Robb book, the used the term fader to describe someone who fades into the background.  I feel like that a lot.  I feel as if no one cares about me.  The thing is that before anyone else can care about me, I need to care about me and I don’t do a good job of showing I care about me.

I agree with my choice to not take drugs, but I don’t even check my blood on a regular basis.  I don’t get exercise and I do way too much sugar.  Why would anyone else care about me when I don’t even do the basics of self care?  I need to spend some time this weekend meditating and truly thinking about whether I want to live or die.  And if I want to live I need to start taking care of myself.  I also need to really look at who I am and what I want out of life and where I’m going.

I don’t like living my life in a way that makes it all about others.  I want a life where I matter.

December 25, 2018

This is a card I’m learning to embrace in my own life.  Being the Emperor means that I have to make the hard choices, but it also means that I get to set the course of my own life.  I think the reason that I disliked this card for the longest time is that it made me afraid because every time I had tried to be the master of my fate, someone stepped in and told me that I was doing it wrong, that I didn’t have the right skills, or that I needed to put other people first.

What I have learned over the course of the past few years is that when I put myself first, I am better able to make informed decisions.  If I am constantly putting other people first, there is nothing left for me and I end up being angry and resentful.  When I put myself first and take care of my own needs, I can better take care of others.

It is interesting to read the above because I really have made a turn around in how I treat myself.  I check my blood regularly and I track it.  My average has gone from a six month average of 209 to a one week average of 168.  It has been continually going down.  I’ve also been logging what I eat and while it is really painful some days to have to confess that I ate way too much crap, it also keeps me honest.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

This week will be my last week at my current job and I’ll be starting my new job on September 12th.  There is a big part of me that is a little freaked out about starting something new, which is ironic as I do change management for a living.  I found a spread at Two Sides Tarot for coping with change and decided to give it a shot. 

Since this is a spread about a new job, I also decided to use a deck that was new to me for the spread.  I’m using Ciro Marchatti’s Tarot Grand Luxe.

1. A card to reflect on for this transitional phase.

I need to be strong and let go of what has become familiar.  There is a part of me that doesn’t want to leave and that would rather do penance for what I supposedly did wrong.  I have always thought that it showed strength to do penance and seek redemption.  However, I’ve come to realize that there are situations where it was not my fault and that there is no need for me to do penance and seek redemption.  In this case, I have done nothing wrong.  I am not the one that screwed this up.  I did my job and raised the issues to the SteerCo.  It is not my fault if they chose to not act upon the information.  And it is not my fault if Brian chose to act bizarrely.  

I am going to act with strength and go out with my head held eye. When I’m in the office, I’m going to have a fuck you attitude and Brian is just going to have to deal with it.  Eventually, his Karma will catch up with him.

2. What approach might you take to manage and work with the move or change?

This card is both a message and a warning.  The message is to manage my own emotions and to make sure that I acknowledge my sadness and grief over leaving.  It is okay to have those feelings and I deserve them.  I’m feeling sad, lost, lonely and wondering if I really do want to leave.  However, I’m also excited and looking forward to something new.  I realized today that part of what I am looking forward to is knowing that no one is going to unexpectedly demand I show up at the office.  Visits to the office will be planned.

The warning of this card is to make sure I keep logic in mind as well.  It is stupid to make me move to PA to work remote.  However, I can’t say that.  I just need to go with the program and make it work.  

3. How might you integrate and ground this change?

The Star is not a card that I think of when I think of being grounded.  The Star is about hope and looking forward.  Maybe that is the message of the Star, that this is a good move for me and that things are looking up.  For me, things looking up mean a better management team that actually respects the people who work for them.  It can also mean permanently working remote.  All of these are good things.

As I reflect upon this, I realize that hope can help me integrate this change as it can give me something to look forward to and can help me to continue to realize my worth.  One of the best things about working at Nestle was that I had to step out of my comfort zone and do things that were a little bit difficult for me.  Doing those things really helped me to realize that I am capable of so much m ore than I give myself credit for.

4. A ritual to bless your new space, project, or path.

The tower showed up and that seems like a weird card for a blessing.  However, when I look at the tower as destroying illusion and getting rid of that which no longer works, it makes sense.  I didn’t do a formal ritual to bless my new path, but I did very deliberately take steps to burn the path behind me and cut the ties that I no longer need.  

I sent Brian an email telling him that he really wasn’t a leader.  I told him his behavior in walking past me was childish and that more people were going to leave unless he stepped up and really became a leader.  It felt good to speak my piece and to be honest about my feelings.  All too often we get told to be kind, to not build bridges, etc.  And all too often, this is really about not speaking our piece and about not making waves.  We are kept in submission by the beliefs that no  one will like us if we are honest about our feelings.

I’ve decided that I no longer give a rat’s ass if people don’t like me.  I am tired of not being honest about who I am and what is going on in my life.  I would rather speak my piece and deal with the consequences, that hold my tongue and beat myself up for not speaking my piece.

5. How might you rest and replenish yourself during and after this process?

The Queen of Swords tells me to not relitigate my speaking my truth.  It is my right and duty to speak my truth and to let the chips fall where they may.  I also need to let go of all the things that I cannot control.  I can’t control what happens next, but I just need to let go and trust the process will work.  

Embracing my playful side is also important.  I get so caught up in catastrophizing, that I forget to just enjoy what happens in the world and to be happy.  Life is not horrible, we make it horrible by listening to the news and by worrying about what’s going to happen.

6. What might come next on this new path or in this new place?

I will continue to come into my own and continue to embrace my gifts.  The thing is that my guides have been whispering since yesterday that it is all going to work out.  I just need to let go of my fear and trust that it will work out and that it is all going to be exactly how it should be.  They have always nurtured me and cared for me and given me no reason to distrust them.

I need to let go of all my worry and trusst.