I remember waking up alone in my bed in an empty house the first few days after my ex announced he was abandoning our 22 year marriage and feeling so unloved and alone. i felt as if I wasn’t enough all by myself and as if I needed someone else to complete me. It felt as if I was the only person in the world, even though I knew there were people who cared about me who were only a phone call away. I felt like a lost little girl who was incompetent and unloved. I had no clue how I would take care of myself. I felt lonely.
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Happy Birthday America
It’s America’s birthday today. Our Grand Old Country is 240 years old and, although she’s showing a few signs of wear and tear, this country is still one worth living in and worth being proud of. Sometimes we forget that when we’re caught up in the swirl of an insane presidential election or seeing violence rip some of our cities apart.
My Wild and Precious Life
I was recently asked to answer a prompt as to what I was doing with my wild and precious life and I have to be honest and say that it took me a while to answer the prompt because my inner mean girl picked up on the word precious and started berating me for wasting my precious life. She reminded me that there were people who had sold best sellers at 24, people who’d started their own businesses and became millionaires in their 30s, and people who are well known spiritual leaders who are much younger than me. She sneered and me and reminded me that I was wasting my precious life.
Grilled Salmon
This is our all time favorite salmon recipe. We cook it in the oven or on the grill.
- 1/4 a cup brown sugar
- 1/4 a cup soy sauce
- 1/4 a cup olive oil
- 2 tbs sesame oil
- 2 teaspoons lemon pepper seasoning
- 1 teaspoon thyme
- 1 teaspoon basil
- 1 teaspoon dried parsley
- 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
- 4 six ounce salmon fillets
Mix everything except the salmon fillets together in a gallon size plastic bag. Smoosh it around so that the brown sugar is broken up. Once it is mixed, put the salmon fillets into the bag and shake it around so that the fillets are all covered. Marinate in the refrigerator for at least one hour.
Heat the grill or the oven to at least 300 degrees. If you cook the salmon in the grill, watch it carefully to ensure it doesn’t burn. It is done when it flakes easily. If cooking in the oven, cook for 30 minutes or until the salmon flakes.
We like to serve over rice and use the marinade as a sauce.
Sacred Pause
We live in a world that seems to think busy is better and that equates busyness with productivity. People brag about long work hours and not taking vacations. Americans are especially bad about not taking vacation and working extra hours. I used to be one of those people who spent long hours at work and who was always plugged in. However, a few trips to Europe and some enforced downtime has made me realize that busyness isn’t equal to productivity.
Into the Light
I’ve spent a lot of time over the last six years delving into the darkness. I’ve visited Ereshkigal’s Kingdom, I’ve cried my eyes out in Yemana’s house, I’ve visited the Morrigan’s Battlefield, and I’ve spent time learning from Nephthys.
You are What You Watch
My daughter tends to consider me a little paranoid because whenever she is ready to go out on a date, I quiz her relentlessly about the person she’s going out with. i want to know where they’re meeting, how they met, and how long she’ll be out. She finds it a little overbearing of me. Did I forget to mention she’s 24?
In my mind, all the guys she plans to date fall into one of two categories: the serial killer who is going to slay her in the most painful way imaginable or the rapist who is going to use her and throw her away. My mind never considers that the guy she is dating might be a kind and loving person who will treat her with respect and do right by her. Oh no, my mind jumps right to crime and mayhem.
Hmm…I wonder why my mind always goes to the dark side? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that police procedural are my favorite form of brain candy. I can sit and binge watch an entire season of NCIS, Blue Bloods, or any one of a dozen shows brimming with blood, guts, and cruelty. I’ve always told myself I watch them for the mystery and for the team dynamics, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m getting more than I bargained for. Is my brain equating TV where they spend 45 minutes focused solely on crime with reality?
I wish I could say that the biggest difference between TV and reality is that guns don’t go off quite so often in reality, but unfortunately my paranoia formed while I was living in Chicago where gunshots are an everyday occurrence. However, the reality is that my paranoia truly comes from my interactions with Leroy Jethro Gibbs (NCIS), Frank Reagan (Blue Bloods), Hank Voight (Chicago PD), and all the rest of the hottie crime fighters that I watch on a regular basis. I love seeing them track down the bad guys, but I realized that my regular diet of crime is causing problems as I was seeing bad guys where none exist.
Fortunately, the universe provided a solution to my dilemma as I was driving home from Chicago one night and OnBeing happened to come on. As I listened to Krista Tippet interview one of her quests about Kabballah, I was filled with interest and peace. Since then, I’ve started seeking out more spiritual and uplifting fare than my usual crime dramas and I’ve realized that I do truly feel more peaceful and less paranoid when I fill my life with healthy listening instead of junk food (sorry Gibbs).
I probably won’t ever totally give up my dates with Gibbs, Frank, and Hank, but I think I’ll start watching and listening to other people who might give me a little healthier perspective on life.
An Open Letter to My Mother
Dear Mom,
I’m 49 today and you’re on my mind. I wish things could be different, but I’ve been turning things over in my mind and I’m not sure how to change things. You’ve never learned to take personal responsibility for your actions and it’s impossible to have an adult conversation with you without you getting passive aggressive and pulling the “I’m your mother card.” Yes, you are my mother and you and daddy provided for me, make sure I was fed and clothed, and made sure that I knew that I didn’t matter. Continue reading An Open Letter to My Mother
Boudica’s Story
Back in the day when history was held by the Druids, when magic filled the land, and when Rome was out to conquer the world. There was one woman who stood up to the mighty Roman Empire. Her name was Boudica and she was a mighty warrior queen.
Two to Tango
I’ve spent the last three years being bitter and angry and my ex-husband and blaming him for all of the problems in our marriage. However, the more work I do on myself, the more I realize that it truly does take two to tango and that I had to own my share of the blame. It’s taken me quite a while to get here because I’ve seesawed between taking all of the blame to blaming it all on him. I finally had to sit down with a pen and paper to figure out what I was responsible for and what he needs to own.
Truly His to Own
Physical Violence–No matter how much someone annoys you or pisses you off, it is never okay to physically abuse someone with your fists or a baseball bat.
Emotional Abuse–In some ways emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because it eats away at a person’s soul and causes them to doubt themselves. What’s worse is I know you did it deliberately because you told me that you did it to “take me down a notch.”
Inability to Compromise–Neither of us was truly able to compromise and that hurt our marriage and we ended up in a position where one of us had to win and one of us had to lose. The friends issue was a big one and I was willing to have people over as long as they went home at a reasonable hour and I was always up for going out, but I never wanted to close the bar.
Mine to Own
Not Backing Off–I truly love to have my own way and prior to my marriage, I never learned the art of compromise. My fighting style was to keep badgering someone until they gave in. Sometimes I could badger John until he would give in, but there were also times when he turned violent because I wouldn’t back off. He owns becoming physically violent, but I should have walked away.
Not Bringing My Best Self to Our Marriage–I didn’t always bring my best self to our marriage and one of my ex’s biggest complaints was that I was nicer to my best friend on the phone to him. Yes, it is true that it is easier to be nicer to someone who is not emotionally abusive, but in retrospect I should have treated myself, my marriage, and my husband with more respect by making more of an effort to look nice and take care of myself.
Putting Work Before My Family–I like to think that I worked long hours to provide for my family and that’s what I told myself, but I also used work as an excuse to avoid talking about our marital problems.
Codependence–I learned codependence at my mother’s knee and it carried into our marriage. Since our marriage, I’ve learned to set better boundaries and I’ve learned that we don’t need to be joined at the him and that it really is okay for me to go do fun things without you.
I’m sure there are a million other mistakes I made in our marriage, but it was so helpful for to sit back and think about what I could have done differently. I know that I will be so much better prepared for my next relationship and I’m glad I had time by myself to figure all this out.
Cairn by Cairn 