Shadow Work–Day 3

How will integrating my shadow improve my relationships?

Maker Prince–The maker prince is kind and gentle and spends time in nature with animals.  My knowledge of my shadow and my honesty with myself will help me to build true connections with people.  I don’t put on airs or pretend to be something I’m not.  I also acknowledge my flaws and work hard to truly change my interactions with people.  All of these things are attractive to people because they get the sense that I am real. I’m also grounded and am beginning to be comfortable in my own skin, flaws and all.

Death–I have learned over my life that nothing stays the same and that sometimes we have to say

goodbye to things that matter to us so that we can move on.  One of the best lessons I’ve learned from John is to let go when things are no longer working.  I held on to the dead and lifeless corpse of my marriage for way too long and that caused a lot of problems for me.  I’ve learned that it is okay to work on relationships, but sometimes you have to acknowledge they are dead.  Although I don’t always welcome endings, I’ve learned to welcome the transformation that comes with them.  There is always something new to discover and to learn.  Change is always hard, but it is easier when we welcome transformation and accept that there is something new and different coming into our lives.


Dreamer Five–At first glance, this is a very depressing card as it is about hope being discarded and about powerlessness and resignation.  However, I’ve learned that unrealistic hope can be unhealthy.  Sometimes we cling to a dream that we hope will work out, but in reality we’ve outgrown that dream and it is time to move on.  When we aren’t able to discard this hope and move on, it can hold us back.  It’s really interesting that this card showed up for me because I am finally at a point in my life where I’ve let go of the hope that a relationship will work out with someone.  Intellectually, I’ve known it for a couple of years, but int eh back of my mind I had hope that it would magically work out.  Being able to let go of that hope means that I can finally move on and be ready for the right relationship for me.

Shadow Work–Day 2: How do my relationships mirror my shadow side?

How do my relationships mirror my shadow side?

The hanged man can tell us a lot of things as sometimes he tells us we need to get another perspective, but in this instance the Hanged Man is telling me that my relationships are about self sacrifice.  I sacrificed myself for my ex-husband.  I made myself less and less so that he could feel better about himself until I almost disappeared.  I sacrifice for my children so that they have what they need and I sacrifice at work.  The lesson I’ve been learning about sacrifice is that it is important that we know we have a choice in saying yes or no to sacrifice.  I was raised to believe that my needs were secondary to everyone else’s so I never thought that I had a choice in saying yes or no to sacrifice.  I’ve learned over the last eight years that I do have a choice and sacrifices that are willingly made are much sweeter than those that are demanded.

The Warrior tells me that I am fierce and protected in all of my relationships.  I never feel comfortable letting my guard down and just being.  I always have to be on the defensive and always protecting my tender heart.  Additionally, I love to drive and be in control.  These characteristics make it very hard for people to get to know me.  The cards have been telling me for a very long time that it is time to let down my guard and to let people in and it is something that is very hard for me to do.

The fool is double edged as I leaped into my marriage without careful consideration and ended up in an untenable situation.  Since then, I have drawn up strict lists of criteria for a future mate that almost no one has a hope of meeting and I’m applying those criteria like a USDA judge grading meat.  If someone scores too low on one criteria, I’m not even willing to “waste my time” meeting them.  The fool is telling me that I cannot just leap in with nary a care in the world, but I also cannot be too closed minded about the people I let into my life.

Overall this was a scarily accurate reading and truly reflected where I am in life.  I need to continue to reflect on this.

Brighid's Blue Moon Blog Hop



About the Hop
I’m super excited because this is my first Blog Hop and the first time I’m dipping my foot into the Tarot Collaboration waters. If you’re not familiar with a Blog Hop, a bunch of bloggers agree to write about a specific topic and post on a specific day. Each blog post includes links to the post before and after so that you can hop from post to post. Our wrangler for this Hop is Aisling the Bard and she came up with a super special Blog Hop that taps into the energy of Imbolc and the Blue Moon.

The Particulars per Aisling the Bard

We are calling this Hop “Brighid’s Blue Moon”. This festival is a “trifecta”, a combination of three significant events on a single date. February 1st is “Imbolc”, meaning “In the Belly”, the festival dedicated to Brighid of the Three Fires, who brings life back to Land, Sea, and Sky after winter’s doldrums have passed. But on Imbolc Eve, the day before the festival, we will see a Full Moon, which is also a Blue Moon, the second Full Moon in a calendar month. Therefore, we are celebrating a “Solilune”, a combination of a Solar and Lunar Festival, and it’s dedicated to a Deity who Herself is represented in Her Celtic realm by three Elemental locations, Land, Sea, and Sky, and three characteristics of the Inner Flame, Poesy, Smithcraft, and Healing, as well as shedding her beneficent influence on three areas of human life, Body, Mind, and Spirit . This day also represents a Secret Gift of Spirit, the Blue Moon, representing those things that are rare and precious–after all, they only happen “Once in a Blue Moon”. Therefore, we will be creating a pattern of triplicity in our draw and layout for this Hop.

Deciding to Hop

I have to be honest and say that I was a little overwhelmed when I read the requirements for this hop so I did what I always do when I get overwhelmed, I put it aside for a bit and went about my life. While I was in this reflective period, I drew Brighid from the Dark Goddess Tarot as my card of the day and she told me to step through the flames and I would be transformed. She assured me that the flames would not consume me, but would make me a better version of myself.

I went back to the blog post and read it more carefully and it didn’t seem so overwhelming and I felt ready to proceed. I chose to use the Dark Goddess Tarot, both because of the wisdom I’d gotten from Brighid and because I’ve felt in need of feminine guidance. I’ve had male mentors my entire life and they have helped me tremendously, but as I get older, I realize that I need feminine wisdom in my life and the Dark Goddess Tarot provides that.


I generally create backgrounds for all my spreads to help me connect to the energy of the spread and so that my tarot journal looks pretty ;). Sometimes, I use physical art supplies, but since I was traveling, I turned to PowerPoint and created a background for the foundation, construction, and surprise.

After choosing my deck, creating my background, and lighting a candle, there was nothing left to do but dive into the reading.



The Foundation: You will draw three cards, one representing Land (Body), one for Sky (Mind) and the third one for Sea (Spirit). These will indicate for you the physical, mental, and emotional/spiritual focus of your year-to-come. These cards honor the Solar Festival of Imbolc and the Three Fires of Brigid.

Body: This card represents the body and provides guidance about what I need to do over the coming year to honor my body and take care of myself. Fittingly, I drew the Five of Earth (Demeter) for this position. Ellen Lorenzi-Prince, the creator of the Dark Goddess Tarot, guides us to “Give no part of yourself to what does not sustain you.” This perfectly sums up the conclusions I’m drawing as I begin my 52nd year on this beautiful planet. I’m realizing that, like Demeter, I sometimes need to withdraw my support for others and focus on my own needs. Although doing so may seem selfish, it really is the only way that I can regrain (a fitting typo) my strength. This is a very difficult lesson for women to learn as we’ve been conditioned to put the needs of others first and been told repeatedly that we are selfish if we take time for ourselves.

Mind: The mind card provides guidance on how to nurture and grow my mental abilities throughout the coming year. Isis, the Magician, came to me in this position and her message was to believe in my own power and the power I have, in partnership with the divine, to manifest what I need/want in life. Isis reminded me that I do possess incredible power and that it is my responsibility to channel this power for good. Isis reminds us magic happens when we marry our intent with physical actions. On a personal note, Isis is also about the power of love and my goal this year is to manifest more love in my life so Isis is reminding me that I need to not only do the magic, I also have to make room in my life for Love.

Spirit–The Spirit/Emotional card is about honoring my spiritual and emotional needs. Blodeuwedd (Nine of Earth) appeared in this position. She tells me that it is time for me to reclaim my personal power and to choose to be a star in my own life. All too often, we choose to be supporting characters in life by enabling others to achieve their dreams, while doing nothing to create the lives that we want. Echoing the message of Demeter, Blodeuwedd reminds us that we need to unlearn the lesson that it is selfish to take care of our own need and learn the importance of valuing self care and our own lives. She also reminds is that we are the stars of our lives and we need to step up and reclaim that role.



Overall, thee cards provided powerful lessons about taking charge of my life and choosing to make my own needs a priority.

The Construction: This Moon, according to the Celtic Tree Calendar, is the Full Rowan Moon. This tree is sacred to Brighid, and represents “Protection from Evil Enchantment”. It is considered a Guardian, a Guide, and a Gateway, so that we may be safely sheltered and receive direction as we walk down the new path of the year. So the three cards you draw for the second level, the Lunar energy of the year, will represent the answers to the following three questions: What is the energy of the new path that presents itself? From what will I need protection on this journey? What energies of my own or of spirit will guide and protect me?

What is the energy of the new path that presents itself?:  Nemesis (Ace of Air) was my guide for this question and her lessons are ones of humility and discernment.  Nemesis teaches us to take ownership of our choices and to take pride in my tasks and in myself.  That might seem contrary to traditional readings of Nemesis who brings about the downfall of those who are arrogant before the gods, but pride in ourselves and who we are is not necessarily hubris.  Nemesis guides us down a middle path of humility where we can be proud of our strengths and accomplishments while still recognizing our flaws and shortcomings.   Under Nemesis tutelage, I can accept myself as a perfectly imperfect human being and accept that I am not the most exalted being, but I’m also not lower than dirt.  Nemesis also encourages me to cut through the hubris of other.

From what will I need protection on this journey?: Oya (the Witch of Air) tells me that I need protection from the clutter that can build up in my environment and in my soul. Oya comes in and blows away that which no longer serves us and makes room for the new. Oya is a goddess of transition and she helps us see that the world is ever changing. What I love about Oya is that she appears to be always in motion and she reminds me that standing lightly on the earth can help me to feel grounded.





What energies of my own or of spirit will guide and protect me? Lethe, representing the four of cups, reminds me that I need to take responsibility for saying no to things that are not in my best interests. The traditional four of cups shows a discontented person folding their arms and refusing a cup being offered by a giant hand. Some people read this to mean being stubborn or ungrateful, but I’ve always read the four of cups as saying no to something that is not in my best interest. Perhaps my view of the world comes from having grown up in a family that constantly gave unsolicited advice, then got upset when I disregarded it. I learned that I had to be very firm in turning down advice and stuff that did not serve me, so I have a lot of sympathy for the person in the four of cups who is saying no to something he/she does not want.

These were powerful lessons of both being protected and guided by spirit and by actions I can take to help myself over the coming year.



The Surprise: Once in a Blue Moon, wonderful things come forth. Draw your final three cards connected with Body, Mind, and Spirit, in that order, to see what treasures the Universe has in store for you.


Body: Aphrodite (Siren of Water) is another card that is is almost too perfect in the position of surprises of the body that the universe has in store for me. I had a love/hate relationship with Aphrodite until she showed up in a reading and gave me an incredible message, “I am not your rival.  I am you.  Embrace my gifts of beauty and sensuality.  Let go of the fear in your heart about not being pretty enough or sexy enough.  These are old messages.  You are beautiful, kind, loving, and have a beautiful heart.  I am not your rival, I can be your coach and friend if you can open up your heart and trust.”  Receiving Aphrodite again in this position just reiterates the message that I am enough and that I need to love myself.  She also gives me a delicious reminder that love and lust may be coming my way shortly.


Mind: Maat (Justice) tells me to use my heart as well as my mind to evaluate relationships and situations. It also tells me to carefully evaluate the relationships in my life to determine whether or not they add value. This is hard for me because in the past, I’ve tended to put myself in the other person’s shoes to my own detriment. When my ex was abusing me, instead of standing up for myself or telling him he was out of line, I made excuses for him and continued to put up with his bad behavior. Maat is telling me that it is okay to set boundaries and protect myself. Echoing Isis, Maat is also telling me that my words have power and that I should use my words carefully. Lately, Maat is telling me to embrace order instead of chaos.

Spirit: Maman Brigette (Hag of Fire) is my guide for this question and she reminds me to honor my ancestors and the gifts I’ve received from them. This one is hard for me because I am estranged from much of my family for a variety of reasons, but one of the actions I have been taking lately is to step back from personalities and remember the lessons I’ve learned from them. One of my new practices is to take some time on my ancestors’ death days and to make an altar to them and to pull a few cards. This practice is helping me to put the past into perspective and to let go of my anger.



These cards gave me some delicious insights into how to live my life over the coming year and provided guidance on things I should do as well as actions I should avoid.

The Wrap

Overall, this was a deliciously deep dive and provided amazing insights. Some of the messages I received were reiterating things I already know and others were new insights that I will reflect on over the coming days.

Use the links below to hop to other posts in this blog hop.

Brighid’s Blue Moon Blog Hop



About the Hop
I’m super excited because this is my first Blog Hop and the first time I’m dipping my foot into the Tarot Collaboration waters. If you’re not familiar with a Blog Hop, a bunch of bloggers agree to write about a specific topic and post on a specific day. Each blog post includes links to the post before and after so that you can hop from post to post. Our wrangler for this Hop is Aisling the Bard and she came up with a super special Blog Hop that taps into the energy of Imbolc and the Blue Moon.

The Particulars per Aisling the Bard

We are calling this Hop “Brighid’s Blue Moon”. This festival is a “trifecta”, a combination of three significant events on a single date. February 1st is “Imbolc”, meaning “In the Belly”, the festival dedicated to Brighid of the Three Fires, who brings life back to Land, Sea, and Sky after winter’s doldrums have passed. But on Imbolc Eve, the day before the festival, we will see a Full Moon, which is also a Blue Moon, the second Full Moon in a calendar month. Therefore, we are celebrating a “Solilune”, a combination of a Solar and Lunar Festival, and it’s dedicated to a Deity who Herself is represented in Her Celtic realm by three Elemental locations, Land, Sea, and Sky, and three characteristics of the Inner Flame, Poesy, Smithcraft, and Healing, as well as shedding her beneficent influence on three areas of human life, Body, Mind, and Spirit . This day also represents a Secret Gift of Spirit, the Blue Moon, representing those things that are rare and precious–after all, they only happen “Once in a Blue Moon”. Therefore, we will be creating a pattern of triplicity in our draw and layout for this Hop.

Deciding to Hop

I have to be honest and say that I was a little overwhelmed when I read the requirements for this hop so I did what I always do when I get overwhelmed, I put it aside for a bit and went about my life. While I was in this reflective period, I drew Brighid from the Dark Goddess Tarot as my card of the day and she told me to step through the flames and I would be transformed. She assured me that the flames would not consume me, but would make me a better version of myself.

I went back to the blog post and read it more carefully and it didn’t seem so overwhelming and I felt ready to proceed. I chose to use the Dark Goddess Tarot, both because of the wisdom I’d gotten from Brighid and because I’ve felt in need of feminine guidance. I’ve had male mentors my entire life and they have helped me tremendously, but as I get older, I realize that I need feminine wisdom in my life and the Dark Goddess Tarot provides that.


I generally create backgrounds for all my spreads to help me connect to the energy of the spread and so that my tarot journal looks pretty ;). Sometimes, I use physical art supplies, but since I was traveling, I turned to PowerPoint and created a background for the foundation, construction, and surprise.

After choosing my deck, creating my background, and lighting a candle, there was nothing left to do but dive into the reading.



The Foundation: You will draw three cards, one representing Land (Body), one for Sky (Mind) and the third one for Sea (Spirit). These will indicate for you the physical, mental, and emotional/spiritual focus of your year-to-come. These cards honor the Solar Festival of Imbolc and the Three Fires of Brigid.

Body: This card represents the body and provides guidance about what I need to do over the coming year to honor my body and take care of myself. Fittingly, I drew the Five of Earth (Demeter) for this position. Ellen Lorenzi-Prince, the creator of the Dark Goddess Tarot, guides us to “Give no part of yourself to what does not sustain you.” This perfectly sums up the conclusions I’m drawing as I begin my 52nd year on this beautiful planet. I’m realizing that, like Demeter, I sometimes need to withdraw my support for others and focus on my own needs. Although doing so may seem selfish, it really is the only way that I can regrain (a fitting typo) my strength. This is a very difficult lesson for women to learn as we’ve been conditioned to put the needs of others first and been told repeatedly that we are selfish if we take time for ourselves.

Mind: The mind card provides guidance on how to nurture and grow my mental abilities throughout the coming year. Isis, the Magician, came to me in this position and her message was to believe in my own power and the power I have, in partnership with the divine, to manifest what I need/want in life. Isis reminded me that I do possess incredible power and that it is my responsibility to channel this power for good. Isis reminds us magic happens when we marry our intent with physical actions. On a personal note, Isis is also about the power of love and my goal this year is to manifest more love in my life so Isis is reminding me that I need to not only do the magic, I also have to make room in my life for Love.

Spirit–The Spirit/Emotional card is about honoring my spiritual and emotional needs. Blodeuwedd (Nine of Earth) appeared in this position. She tells me that it is time for me to reclaim my personal power and to choose to be a star in my own life. All too often, we choose to be supporting characters in life by enabling others to achieve their dreams, while doing nothing to create the lives that we want. Echoing the message of Demeter, Blodeuwedd reminds us that we need to unlearn the lesson that it is selfish to take care of our own need and learn the importance of valuing self care and our own lives. She also reminds is that we are the stars of our lives and we need to step up and reclaim that role.



Overall, thee cards provided powerful lessons about taking charge of my life and choosing to make my own needs a priority.

The Construction: This Moon, according to the Celtic Tree Calendar, is the Full Rowan Moon. This tree is sacred to Brighid, and represents “Protection from Evil Enchantment”. It is considered a Guardian, a Guide, and a Gateway, so that we may be safely sheltered and receive direction as we walk down the new path of the year. So the three cards you draw for the second level, the Lunar energy of the year, will represent the answers to the following three questions: What is the energy of the new path that presents itself? From what will I need protection on this journey? What energies of my own or of spirit will guide and protect me?

What is the energy of the new path that presents itself?:  Nemesis (Ace of Air) was my guide for this question and her lessons are ones of humility and discernment.  Nemesis teaches us to take ownership of our choices and to take pride in my tasks and in myself.  That might seem contrary to traditional readings of Nemesis who brings about the downfall of those who are arrogant before the gods, but pride in ourselves and who we are is not necessarily hubris.  Nemesis guides us down a middle path of humility where we can be proud of our strengths and accomplishments while still recognizing our flaws and shortcomings.   Under Nemesis tutelage, I can accept myself as a perfectly imperfect human being and accept that I am not the most exalted being, but I’m also not lower than dirt.  Nemesis also encourages me to cut through the hubris of other.

From what will I need protection on this journey?: Oya (the Witch of Air) tells me that I need protection from the clutter that can build up in my environment and in my soul. Oya comes in and blows away that which no longer serves us and makes room for the new. Oya is a goddess of transition and she helps us see that the world is ever changing. What I love about Oya is that she appears to be always in motion and she reminds me that standing lightly on the earth can help me to feel grounded.





What energies of my own or of spirit will guide and protect me? Lethe, representing the four of cups, reminds me that I need to take responsibility for saying no to things that are not in my best interests. The traditional four of cups shows a discontented person folding their arms and refusing a cup being offered by a giant hand. Some people read this to mean being stubborn or ungrateful, but I’ve always read the four of cups as saying no to something that is not in my best interest. Perhaps my view of the world comes from having grown up in a family that constantly gave unsolicited advice, then got upset when I disregarded it. I learned that I had to be very firm in turning down advice and stuff that did not serve me, so I have a lot of sympathy for the person in the four of cups who is saying no to something he/she does not want.

These were powerful lessons of both being protected and guided by spirit and by actions I can take to help myself over the coming year.



The Surprise: Once in a Blue Moon, wonderful things come forth. Draw your final three cards connected with Body, Mind, and Spirit, in that order, to see what treasures the Universe has in store for you.


Body: Aphrodite (Siren of Water) is another card that is is almost too perfect in the position of surprises of the body that the universe has in store for me. I had a love/hate relationship with Aphrodite until she showed up in a reading and gave me an incredible message, “I am not your rival.  I am you.  Embrace my gifts of beauty and sensuality.  Let go of the fear in your heart about not being pretty enough or sexy enough.  These are old messages.  You are beautiful, kind, loving, and have a beautiful heart.  I am not your rival, I can be your coach and friend if you can open up your heart and trust.”  Receiving Aphrodite again in this position just reiterates the message that I am enough and that I need to love myself.  She also gives me a delicious reminder that love and lust may be coming my way shortly.


Mind: Maat (Justice) tells me to use my heart as well as my mind to evaluate relationships and situations. It also tells me to carefully evaluate the relationships in my life to determine whether or not they add value. This is hard for me because in the past, I’ve tended to put myself in the other person’s shoes to my own detriment. When my ex was abusing me, instead of standing up for myself or telling him he was out of line, I made excuses for him and continued to put up with his bad behavior. Maat is telling me that it is okay to set boundaries and protect myself. Echoing Isis, Maat is also telling me that my words have power and that I should use my words carefully. Lately, Maat is telling me to embrace order instead of chaos.

Spirit: Maman Brigette (Hag of Fire) is my guide for this question and she reminds me to honor my ancestors and the gifts I’ve received from them. This one is hard for me because I am estranged from much of my family for a variety of reasons, but one of the actions I have been taking lately is to step back from personalities and remember the lessons I’ve learned from them. One of my new practices is to take some time on my ancestors’ death days and to make an altar to them and to pull a few cards. This practice is helping me to put the past into perspective and to let go of my anger.



These cards gave me some delicious insights into how to live my life over the coming year and provided guidance on things I should do as well as actions I should avoid.

The Wrap

Overall, this was a deliciously deep dive and provided amazing insights. Some of the messages I received were reiterating things I already know and others were new insights that I will reflect on over the coming days.

Use the links below to hop to other posts in this blog hop.

Forgiveness in the Fours

 I’ve been working on forgiving my abusive ex since the day he walked out the door seven years ago.  I was holding on to anger over his using me, abusing me, and then throwing me away.  Like many abused women, I stayed because I didn’t know how to survive without him.  However, unlike many abused women I was perfectly capable of supporting myself.  I stayed because I’d been brought up to believe a woman was nothing without a man.  While praying and choosing to forgive were the actions, it was a journey through the fours that helped me to truly find the path to peace and forgiveness.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

It seemed odd to me that it would be the fours that would take me on my journey of forgiveness because they are the cards of stability, of resting, of practicality, of achievement, and of humility.  As I meditated on how the fours relate to forgiveness, the words practicality and humility were flashing at me in neon letters and I realized that forgiving is the practical action because forgiving frees my heart from the anger and resentment I’ve been lugging around and lets me move on and be happy.

Humility is the state of being humble and without pride, which for me means accepting that it’s not all about me.  Over the last week, I’d gone on an emotional road trip through my past inspired by the Page of Cups and I realized that so many of the things I was holding on to had affected me, but really weren’t about me.  My married best friend choosing to spend less time with me was about choosing to put his family first, my ex-husband’s abuse and choosing to leave after 22 years of marriage was about his emotional issues and wasn’t about me at all.  My mother raising me the way she did was about her skill set as a parent and not about me at all.  None of these things that were weighing me down were not really my baggage to carry.

Once I’d accepted the practicality of forgiving and gotten off my high horse (six of wands if anyone is keeping score), I turned to the tarot to help plot my course to forgiveness and it was the fours that provided the roadmap.

Death (XIII=4)

The Death card is all about change and when it started showing up in my readings, I knew that I had to embrace change and be willing to move on, which would require forgiving and letting go of the past.  That wasn’t something I really wanted to do because there was a part of me that really wanted my ex to pay for what he’d done.

As I delved deeper into Death, I realized that I had known the relationship was over (dead) long before he walked out the door, but I had been holding on to something that wasn’t healthy for me.  As I was reading the meanings of the death card, a line from Psychic-Revelation struck me, “Not all relationships are fixable. Don’t beat your head against a wall for very long. You’ll know when it’s “long enough.”  I had to smile as I recognized my own behavior.

As I got mired in the anger, resentment, and self-blame, Death Reversed began making appearances in my readings telling me that I was reluctant to change and that to heal I had to let go of things I knew were not healthy for me.


Four of Pentacles

Death was not the only card showing up to tell me I wasn’t accepting change.  Over and over again in readings related to emotional health and growth I pulled the Four of Pentacles.  As the greedy little miser looked out at me from multiple decks, I felt the anger and resentment course through my veins as I was hoarding these emotions and refusing to let go.  All of those negative emotions were being hoarded in my body and were slowly strangling me.

The cards often have a sense of humor and when I asked how to heal emotionally, the four of pentacles reversed showed up to tell me that in order to heal I had to release all the anger, resentment, and negativity.  In short, I had to forgive.


Four of Swords

The Four of Swords is about taking a break and letting your soul heal.  When the four of swords turned up, I knew I needed to step back and quit fighting life so hard.  I had to stop trying to control the world and I had to let go. I could no longer hold on to all the anger (swords) I was carrying in my heart.  I had to take a break from the pain I was carrying.

For someone who has carried a lot of pain around for a lot of years, taking a break from the pain was really difficult.  The Four of Swords was telling me to just STOP.  Stop being angry, stop being resentful, stop driving yourself crazy thinking about where he was, what he was doing, and why did he get to be happy when I wasn’t.  I started by consciously redirecting my thoughts every time I thought about him, every time I started to get jealous and ask why he had love and I didn’t, and every time I was angry about him not helping support the kids.  Redirecting your thoughts is often not an easy process and there were days I had to stop, breathe, and redirect multiple times, but eventually I stopped obsessing.

Four of Cups

The Four of Cups served as a reminder that I was choosing to live in poverty consciousness.  I was so concerned about what other people had “done to me” that I wasn’t accepting the wonders and blessings that were right in front of my face.  Instead of focusing on the fact that I have people who love me, I have a beautiful house, I’m healthy, and all of those blessings, I was wasting my life in anger and resentment over something that was never going to change.

The universe was literally holding out a cup of wonderful stuff and I was saying no because I was focused on the past.  The realization that I was choosing to live in poverty consciousness was a cold wet slap in the face as pulling this card made me realize that I was deliberately choosing to be a victim.

Emperor (IV)

The role of victim is not one I’ve ever aspired to and when I asked the cards how to get out of the victim role and move on, the Emperor started showing up.  At first, I wasn’t exactly sure what the Emperor was trying to tell me because I’ve relate the emperor to a male authority figure.  However, a little bit of reading soon revealed that the Emperor was telling me to take control of my own life.  I could choose to be a victim or I could choose to move on and let go.  The Emperor is all about structure and rules and one of his specialties is making order out of chaos.

The chaos in this case was my unruly ego telling me that in order for me to forgive people, they had to grovel and be worthy of my forgiveness.  As long as I was caught up in believing that, I would stay mired in misery and pain.  I had to make a conscious decision to choose the logical choice of forgiving over my heart’s choice of resentment.

Four of Wands

Following the twisting and winding path of the fours has led me to the happy and harmonious Four of Wands.    As Biddy Tarot says, “This card indicates a sense of harmony and balance as well as completion, and thus symbolises a time of peace and joy in life that come as the result of often difficult and challenging effort. The Four of Wands is one of the most positive cards in the Tarot deck and indicates general good fortune, satisfaction, and fulfillment.”

I feel after all the heartache and pain of the last few years, I have finally found the serenity and peace that true forgiveness offers thanks to the help of the Fours.

January 17, 2022 Revisit

I reread this today as I was contemplating the four of swords, more about that in another post, and I realized that even though I still have moments where I am angry about things that happened a long time ago, I’ve mostly forgiven and moved on with my life.  I think this tells me that forgiveness is sometimes like grief, there is no magical cure for it and that it ebbs and flows based on what is going on in life.  There can be times when I don’t care about the people who have harmed me and other times when their names give me a visceral response.  And that’s okay, I am entitled to my emotions and as long as they are not negatively impacting my life, it’s okay.

Healing Path of Tarot: Love Letters to My Inner Child

Background
Like a lot of others, my first introduction to tarot was as a tool of divination.  I sat across the table from a rough and tumble psychic and begged him to tell me whether or not I would reconcile with my ex.  I watched with horrified fascination as the cards revealed the depth of once beloved’s deceit.  While the answers I was receiving were not the ones I wanted, I was fascinated by the cards and soon acquired my first tarot deck.

I soon graduated from using the tarot as a tool of torture to look at my ex’s new life to using it to explore my future and whether or not I should take a new job or what was ahead of my romantically.  As my relationship with the cards deepened, I began pulling a card a day as a way to explore the cards and gain insights into what the day ahead would bring.  From pulling a card a day, I graduated to Visual Journaling with my tarot cards and was hooked.  I took several e-courses from Lisa de St. Croix and found that the combination of art and tarot made the messages from the cards deeper and richer.  Now every reading I do for myself includes an art component as meditating on the background and how to use art to enrich the reading helps me focus on my question.

Last winter as I was doing research for a book I’m writing called The Healing Path, I came across a story in Rachel Naomi Remen, MD’s book Kitchen Table Wisdom.  The story told of how as a boy a man had overheard his father say, “If that little runt was one of the animals, I would have put him out to starve.”  As an adult, the man took unnecessary risks, broke bones, and had a series of health risks as his subconscious took his father’s cruel words to heart.  It was only when he consciously chooses life that he started to recovery.

That story gnawed at my soul and I kept thinking about it and I finally realized it reminded me of a family story about when I was a baby and my mother had dropped me on my head.  My grandmother had, as the story goes, said, “Don’t get too attached to her, she might die.”  As an adult, I’ve struggled to form close relationships and I realized the root of it might be I was feeling as if I wasn’t worth getting attached to.  I also thought about the times I’d been bullied and realized my self doubt might have attracted those bullies.

By this time, I’d been working with Tarot for almost a year and I knew that it had a way of cutting through the mental chatter to get to the root of a problem and to help initiate the healing process.  I meditated and came up with a Tarot exercise to help gain clarity and help myself heal.

Step 1—Traumatic Outline of My Life
I took pieces of construction paper and cut them into pieces about 1 inch by 2 inches.  On each piece, I wrote a period of time and a brief comment about an upsetting period in my life.  Some of them read:

  • · Birth—Grandma’s comment about not getting attached
  • ·       18—Body shamed by my family
  • ·       43—Separation and Job Loss
  • ·       45 to 50—Building a relationship with my kids

Step 2—All My Selves
I took all of the pieces of paper and arranged them by themes / topics.  Some of the groups had a single item and others had multiple items.  Each of these was classified as a self:

  • ·       My not expected to live self
  • ·       My pulling it together self
  • ·       My young wife and mother self
  • ·       My world was falling apart self
  • ·       My abused self
  • ·       My self who survived my Dad’s dying and John’s heart attack
  • ·       My bullied self
  • ·       My drunken self

Step 3—Pulling Cards
I pulled a Tarot card for each of these selves and wrote a love letter to that self from my card.  I was amazed at the wisdom and lessons that came through.  Here are the cards I pulled for each self:
Self
Card
My not expected to live self
Eight of Pentacles
My pulling it together self
The Magician
My young wife and mother self
Page of Pentacles
My world was falling apart self
The Fool
My abused self
Five of Swords
My self who survived my Dad’s dying and John’s heart attack
The Tower
My bullied self
Queen of Swords
My drunken self
Eight of Cups
Some of these cards like The Tower for the me who had survived a horrible year and the Magician for the me who was rebuilding my life were amazingly appropriate and others initially made no sense.
Step 4—Love Letters to My Selves
After I pulled the cards, I made copies of each of the cards (reducing them to about 70 percent of the original).  I took more construction paper and made cards for each of my selves.  I then set about writing love letters to each of my selves.  I started with the easy ones like the letters from The Tower and The Magician and those almost wrote themselves.  Others were more difficult and I had to review multiple sources and meditate before the meaning became clear.  The most difficult was the Eight of Pentacles for my “not expected to live self.“ It was when I checked that one last reference that the meaning of this card became clear and I wrote this letter to myself:

Dear Self,
You have always learned and studied and made your way in the world.  However, you’ve been so focused on goals and security that you haven’t let yourself get truly attached to anyone.  You’ve lived a somewhat solitary life because of your fear and that comment your grandmother made so long ago.

It is time to notice other people and start building attachments beyond your children.  Part of the reason you are noticing all the deaths of people around your age is because you are still hearing your grandmother’s comment and you are afraid to become attached to people because they might die and hurt you or you might die and hurt them.

Grow attachments.  Love is worth the risk.
Blessings,
Your Self

Writing these letters was one of the most incredible acts of self love I have ever practice.  I let myself be vulnerable to the cards and they provided amazing insights into both my pain and my resilience.  They also provided tremendous messages of healing.

Step 5—Documenting My Journey
The next step was to create a place in my Tarot Journal to house my love letters and my life long journey of pain.  I created a background using wrapping paper and laid my small pieces of construction paper from Step 1 out in order.  I glued them down in chronological order.  On the back of that two piece spread, I created a packet with another piece of construction paper to house my love letters.
Step 6—Letter to Myself

I took some time to review each of the letters I’d written and pulled one final card (the Seven of Swords Reversed and wrote a letter to myself.  I reminded myself of all the challenges I’d faced in life and said that I knew I would meet these challenges as well.

Lessons Learned

As I wrote each of these letters, I felt pieces of my heart heal and I knew that the guidance I was receiving from the cards was reaching deep inside of myself and hugging parts of myself that were longing for love and healing.  I could have easily written these Love Letters to myself without using Tarot cards, but I chose to use Tarot cards because I have learned that they can illuminate wisdom that might be hidden otherwise and they did.  If I would have chosen to write the letter to my “not expected to live self,” it would have been a very different letter and not as meaningful.

Making Room For Hope

When the energy in my life gets a little stagnant and nothing good seems to be coming my way, I’m a big believer in cleaning my house, getting rid of the clutter, and letting go things I no longer need.  I’ll let to of clothes that are too big or too small, books I haven’t read (and know I’m not going to read), Knick-knacks and the like.  It never fails to bring new things into my life.  However, my Feng Shui cleaning spree has never extended to my emotional life.

Continue reading Making Room For Hope

Love Poem to My Ex

  • I do not want you back
  • We were no good together
  • Me a hermit and you a party boy
  • But every so often, a song comes on the radio
  • And I remember your sweet smile when you played it for me
  • I remember our first date.  I smile fondly
  • Ours was not a true romance
  • We both were lonely and afraid
  • We came together out of loneliness
  • But every so often, a memory bubbles up
  • And I remember the daddy smile
  • I remember watching you diaper our child
  • Ours was not a life of joy
  • We were both feeling trapped
  • Too afraid to leave
  • But every so often, I find a memento
  • And I remember a day at the fair
  • I remember buying our first piece of art
  • Ours was a relationship of hate as much as love
  • You struck me, you berated me
  • I stayed out of shame
  • But every so often, I find a photo
  • Showing my pain, my anger
  • I remember who I was and the strength I’ve gained
  • Time passes, memory fades
  • The pain slips into the background
  • The strength remains