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Tarot Blog Hop: Cozy

Welcome to the Winter Solstice Blog Hop.  This go round our wrangler, Joanne Sprott, asked us to explore the concept of cozy.  For me, the first word I think of when I think about cozy is Hygge.  For those of you not familiar with the concept, Hygge is a Danish concept that roughly translates to enjoying the cozy contentment and well being through enjoying the simple things of life.  For me hygge is about snuggling in, lighting candles, and just being.

In the spirit of Yule and my own efforts to bring  more hygge into my life, I’ve put together a spread to reflect on various components of hygge.  I chose to use the Druidcraft Deck for this spread because it is a Celtic deck and it reminds me of the outdoors and of a simpler time.  It is also the first Tarot deck I every worked with so it brings a lot of history to the table and a lot of knowledge of who I am and what is important to me in terms of cozy.

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Hope for me is central to the concept of hygge because when I feel hopeful, I’m able to let go of distractions and be present in the moment.  When I’m worried about the future and feeling as if the world is closing in on me, it’s hard for me to relax and be in the moment.  When I asked the cards, how I can keep hope alive, I pulled the Six of Pentacles which is a reminder to give to others and to help when you can.  This card is a reminder that life can be harsh and cruel, but that everyone has something to give. Some of us have money to give, some have time, and others may only have a smile, but if everyone gives what we can, we will all be better off.  
The Six of Pentacles also reminds us to give with an open heart.  The flip side of giving is receiving and the Six of Pentacles is also a reminder to receive with an open heart.  I struggle to receive with an open heart and this card is a reminder that receiving is as important as giving.  This is a reminder I need right now because I’m feeling overwhelmed and overburdened and a lot of it is because I am not opening up and asking for the help that I need.
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Yuletide is a season of hope and joy that should be innocent and kind, but all too often we get caught up in the commercialism and the competitiveness of having to buy the biggest and best presents. When I asked the cards how I could honor the spirit of yule, the Seven of Pentacles told me to take a break and be grateful for what I had.   The cards told me to let go and trust that I’d done my job and that I didn’t have to be a super star in all areas of my life.

This resonated so much with where I’m at with my life as in the past, I’ve always fully decorated my house for the holidays.  I’ve had at least one tree, lots of Santas, and a host of other decorations.  However, I had an opportunity to travel right before the holidays to see some old friends and I realized that if I wanted to be fully engaged with my friends, I couldn’t decorate the way I usually did.  I decided that I’d scale back this year with lots of candles and greenery and less stuff.  I’m heading into the week feeling relaxed and at peace.

I’m finally realizing that I am enough just as I am and that I don’t have to continually prove myself over and over and over.  I can just be.

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Gratitude is another important component of hygge in my life.  When I am feeling grateful, I feel peace right down to my bones.  Being grateful helps me to remember that even though life might not always be perfect and that there are a lot of bad things that happen in our lives, there are also a lot of amazing things in our lives.  As cliched as it sounds, I write a gratitude list every day and I’ve found that when I take time to consciously think about the good things in life, my outlook on life is a lot rosier.

The cards have a sense of humor and when I asked what I had to be grateful for, the ten of pentacles showed up to remind me that I have people in my life to love me, I have material goods, I have a house that keeps me warm and cozy, and I have a couple of big dogs in my life to bring me laughter and joy.
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Grace as unmerited and unconditional love and support is a concept I was introduced to after my divorce.  I was a mess and was incredibly needing and I emotionally vomited over any one who was close to me.  I was incredibly fortunate in that I had a best friend who was totally there for me.  He listened to me rant, gave me a shoulder to cry on, and reminded me that I was worth loving.  He was the first human that ever truly gave me unconditional love.  However, since then I’ve realized that I’ve always had unconditional love in my life because I’ve always had dogs who were there with a snuggle and love no matter what was going on in my life.

When I asked the cards how I could show grace, I pulled the eight of pentacles which was very ironic in a way as my best friend was also my mentor at work.  The eight of pentacles tells me that grace is a skill that I need to work on and develop as I’m often quick to judge other people, especially when I am stressed and overwhelmed.  The cards are telling me that I also need to show grace and love myself even when I’m not perfect at unconditional love.
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Embracing cozy is something I struggle with as I always feel like I should be doing something productive instead of sitting on the couch sipping hot chocolate and enjoying my scented candles.  A lot of us have been brought up in an environment that equates just being and relaxing with being lazy and slothful.  The advice the cards gave me when I asked how to embrace cozy was interesting as the Ace of Swords showed up to tell me to cut away all things that no longer matter.  It’s time to let go of emotions, people, and things that no longer serve me.

Pulling this card was serendipitous as one of my words for the year was shedding and I have been working all year long on letting go of things that no longer serve me.  I’ve limited relationships with people who trigger me, I’ve gotten rid of stuff I know longer need, and I’ve worked to set boundaries.  This card was both an affirmation and a reminder that there is always more to shed.
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I have to confess that when I turned these cards over I very nearly put them back and reshuffled because they seemed too perfect and they had me wondering if my deck had actually gotten shuffled.  However, this is a deck I’ve been using for a while so I know it’s been shuffled and the cards are what they are.  Sometimes, you just have to laugh at how perfectly they fall.

I hope everyone has an amazing Yule.

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Self Care Manifesto

I’ve come to realize that Self Care doesn’t just happen, it requires the same planning and diligence that anything else worthwhile needs. I’ve also realized that self care isn’t just massages, warm baths, and spa treatments, it is also eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and making myself a priority. My Self Care Manifesto outlines how I’ll take care of myself over the next year.

I will put my own needs first unless there are extenuating circumstances and I make a conscious decision to do otherwise.

I will eat healthy.

I will exercise daily.

I will get enough sleep every day

I will feed my soul daily.

I will connect to spirit daily.

I will be fiscally responsible.

I will make kind choices.

I will not hold anger in my heart.

I will not apologize for existing nor offer any apologies that are not necessary.

I will honor my body.

I will love and honor all of me.I will live life with an open heart.

I will connect to nature regularly.

I will not take everything personally.

I will only fly at reasonable hours and I will limit connecting flights.

Tarot Blog Hop: Don't Fence Me In

The theme of this Blog Hop was taken from the title of the old Gene Autry song “Don’t Fence Me In.”  While our wrangler, Joy Vernon,  gave us some suggestions for how to approach this prompt, she also gave us permission to let the prompt inspire us and take us wherever it would take us.  This is one of those prompts that has been bubbling in the background since I first read it and I wasn’t exactly sure where it would take me.

It ended up taking me back to my roots in DeKalb, IL, which is the home of barbed wire (there’s a museum and everything).  I knew that somehow I wanted to incorporate barbed wire into my prompt and also the theme of breaking free from the things that keep us fenced in.  When I sat down in front of my computer to put together a layout, it all came together into the Don’t Fence Me In Spread below.

The deck I chose to use for this reading was Leeza Robertson’s Animal Totem Tarot because animals should be free and not fenced in and because animals are much better at not overthinking things that we are.  I also love this deck because it is a reminder that the deep lessons do not always come cloaked in darkness, sometimes they come through loud and clear from playful and happy decks.

The swan lovers tells me that it is my own lack of self worth and self love that is keeping me fenced in, especially where love is concerned.  I do not believe I am beautiful enough or sexy enough for love.  Leeza Robertson says, “During this phase of outer evolution the swan must trust that there is nothing missing it its life and that who it is, is perfect by natural design, regardless of the outer reflection others see.  This element of inner beauty and 
inner wholeness is crucial to the power of the Lovers card.”  This is powerful stuff indeed and tells me that it is not truly something physical keeping me fenced in, but my own beliefs about my physicality.

The dragonflies on the seven of cups tell me that it is my lack of alignment between my emotional wants and my intellectual thoughts that is keeping me caged.  Leeza says, “The Dragonfly connects the energy of the air with the creative power of water, letting you know that thoughts and dreams really can become real.  But first you have to use the energy of the Dragonfly to align your emotions with your thoughts.”  All I can say about this is WOW! because when I am really honest with myself, I can see that this is true.  Emotionally, I want to find the love of my life, but when I think about the reality of marriage, living together, etc., I find myself not wanting to share my house, my bank account, etc. with someone else.  I really like my independence and having a relationship would cut into that to a certain extent.  I think the truth of the matter is that I need to let the relationship that is right to me come to me and not get all caught up in the restrictions.

 The pigeon is telling me that sometimes we need to accept that we are down and bloody and that staying in the same situation will just result in people continuing to drive swords into us.  Sometimes, we have to cut our losses and  move on.  Leeza says, “Your supply has run dry and it’s time for you to face it and move on.  Staying where you currently are is only going to bring you more misery.” This is an interesting read on the ten of swords and it makes me wonder what emotional place I’m supposed to move on from.  My best interpretation would be that it is time for me to move on and let go of the pain of the past.  I need to stop being a victim and stop expecting that people who have never given me validation in the past are going to suddenly start validating me.  That is not going to happen and I need to let go of that need.  Part of me is staying small because that is what they expect of me and moving out of my little fenced in area will make it that much harder to reconcile with them.

There are multiple ways I could read this card.  The first is that this represents where I am right now as literally two days ago I decided I would start each day by meditating outside in the morning to receive the sun.  I would actively make time to open myself up to receive.  However, the lesson of the lemur may be that I need to balance my receiving with pulling back.  Leeza says, “Sun literally transforms the energy of those things in its presence so they can be luminous.  But the sun can also burn, kill, and destroy, for it is nothing more than a contained ball of fire, spewing its energy throughout our galaxy.  Lucky for you, the Lemur is here to teach you how to deal with this unpredictable force.”  I read this as telling me that I need to be cautious about going from all the way closed to all the way open or I will get burned.  My other, and immediate, interpretation of this card is that I need to start sharing spirituality with others instead of always making it a solitary endeavor.  I guess the reality is that both of these are valuable lessons for me.

The message here is that I need to actually pick a destination and not let the tides decide where I want to go.  The message of Stingray is, “Gracefully I make my way through the sea.  Far and wide, near and far, but always with a destination in mind.”   This is a powerful message for me because while my life looks successful on the outside, I haven’t fully committed to what I want and taken steps to go after it.  There is a part of me that is afraid that if I do commit 100 percent to what (who) my heart desires and I don’t get what I want I will be devastated.  Stingray is telling me that I need to commit and that while I may get blown off course, I will know that I have committed.

Being uncaged and free means that I and I alone am responsible for my actions.  Being uncaged means that I have to take responsibility for myself and can no longer play the victim.  I have to grow up and work with people to find a solution that works for everyone versus having my own way all the time.  Crane tells me that “Balance is not just about being even.  Balance is about finding the middle path or making it back to one’s own center.  In order to find true balance, one must make sure that one’s center is not corrupt or contaminated by the ego.”  Letting go of ego is difficult because it means I have to find balance within myself and balance in the larger world and sometimes those things seem impossible.

This card for me is about being comfortable in my own skin and accepting myself as I am.  It’s not about watching my weight or torturing myself into anyone else’s idea of what a woman’s perfect body should look like.  It is about loving myself and my body just the way I am.  It is about accepting I will never be a size six and reminding myself that anyone who cannot accept me just the way I am can just go F* themselves.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be healthy and take care of my body, but it means loving myself just the way I am.  Although the book meaning for this card is all about intellectual appetites and consuming a lot of information before making a decision, Leeza does have this to say, “The great Panda likes to eat–a lot!  In fact, it spends most of its life eating.  You don’t get that cuddly by restricting your calories.” 

The simple answer to this is to play like children play and to let myself be free to trust other people and myself.  The message of Otter is, “Everything we experience i this physical form is part of a game we call life.  yes, the biggest play of all is the life you came here to live.  But you didn’t come here to play alone, as this particular game is not a one player game.  You came here to play with others.  Playing with others is not only good fun, but it’s what the soul came here to do.”   This is a powerful reminder that I need to get out there and start making friends and start making time to play.
This was an amazingly powerful and deep reading as it reinforced some new behaviors that I’m working on, like meditating in the sun and making time for others, and gave me so new things to think about.
Thanks for stopping by!  Please take some time to hopalong to the next blog or back to the previous blog.

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Tarot Blog Hop: What I could Teach the World

The topic for this Blog Hop was deceptively simple, but remarkably complex.  I debated for days if I even wanted to sign up and even after I did sign up, I procrastinated up to the last minute to write my post because my self esteem has taken a beating lately and this was not a topic wanted to blog on.

The topic our wrangler, Morgan Drake Eckstein gave us was “What I can (could) teach the world.  However, my brain chose to put judgements on this and alter the topic to be, “What I should teach the world and if I don’t, I’m a selfish jerk.”  Needless to say, that was not a topic I wanted to write on so I procrastinated.

I realized as I reflected on the question and my response to it that before I could answer the question, I had to figure out why I was having such a negative reaction to the topic so I backtracked a little and decided to dig into my negativity.

Why am I having such a negative reaction to the topic?

The Five of Pentacles from the Radiant Rider Waite stepped forward to answer this question and told me that I feel like I’m an outsider looking in.  I feel like no one will listen to me and that I am an outsider who has no hope of finding my way into the warmth. 

What can I do to come in from the cold?

The Devil appeared to tell me that I need to let go of my fears and accept myself for who I am.  I need to unchain myself and let go of the belief that I am not welcome in groups because I weird or different.  This message was incredibly strong and the juxtaposition between being outside the church in the five of pentacles and the devil could not be more clear.  Even though I have made peace with who I am and have accepted that the Christian church is not for me, there is a part of me that feels judged and who feels like I have to continue to hide my beliefs.  I can hear the negative voices in my childhood tell me that I’m just a crazy pagan, who would listen to me?

What else do I need to know?

The Pope/Hierophant showed up to confirm that I am feeling like an outsider and that I feel shunned for my beliefs.  There is a part of me that feels like I need to hide who I am or people won’t like me.  This is deep seated religion from my ancestors talking as I’m feeling shunned for wanting to be myself and for wanting to have my own beliefs.  I’m also getting a very clear message that I need to do some deep ancestor work to clear these blockages.

What can I teach the world based on my experiences?

The Ace of Cups is telling me to let love flow through me and to reject being boxed in by orthodoxy.  The Ace of Cups is telling me to share my story and to help others who may be feeling boxed in by their childhood and their past.  The Ace of Cups is telling me to embrace who I am and what I have to offer the world.  The Ace of Cups is also telling me to embrace myself and to let the healing waters of love wash away the pain in my heart. I also need to not dwell on my problems and to embrace creativity as the release of being creative will help my find my way.

How do I find my way to teaching the world?

According to the Magician I have all the tools I already need at my disposal.  I need to open myself up and trust the gifts that I have been given.  I have all that I need within me, I just need to open myself up to the synchronicity of the world and trust that I will be led to where I need to be.  I also need to make a plan and start making an effort to do the training that I want to do and to help the world.

What will the outcome be?
According to the Queen of Cups, sharing my experiences with the world and to help others find the way, I will find my way to my own emotional fulfillment.  I have to realize that the world is a give and take of emotion and that when I hold in all my emotion, I cannot find the love that I seek in this world.

Wow!  Is all I have to say about this reading, there was so much deep and incredibly personal messages here.  I will need to spend some time meditating on this, but I have to say I am really glad I chose to do this blog hop.

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Temperance: Internal and External

One of the best things about Tarot is that the cards are so multidimensional and can be read on so
many levels depending on the circumstances.  I got a first hand glimpse of that today when I pulled Temperance for my daily reading.

Internal

Since moving to Cleveland two years ago, I’ve struggled to make friends, in part because I work as a consultant and generally travel during the week and a lot of social activities are on week nights.  However, when I’m really honest with myself, I use work as an excuse to keep from meeting people because deep down I’m terrified of letting people in and being hurt.  However, the cards have been screaming at me for the last few years that I need to take down my shields and start letting people in.

When Temperance showed up in my reading today, I knew it was about achieving balance in my life by taking the various components of my life and adjusting them to find the right mix for me as what I’m doing right now isn’t really working as I cycle between extrovert and introvert and I’m getting burned out.  During the week, I am in pure extrovert mode as I spend my days advising clients, doing presentations, and other extroverted work.  To counter that, I go into introvert mode when I’m at home and have no desire to interact with anyone other than my family.
Temperance is telling me I need to find a way to balance the introvert and the extrovert so that I have the emotional energy that I need to find friends and to build an emotionally satisfying life.  As I was pondering this and the usual excuses came to mind, my guides told me that I could have it all, I just had to let go of my all or nothing mentality.  As I pondered that, I realized they were telling me that I could sign up for book clubs even if I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to make some of the meetings.  No one is perfect and if I made the meetings I could, it would be enough. 

External

Interestingly enough, Temperance provided another more immediate lesson today at the Dog Park.  The dogs were all happily running and playing when a man brought his trained attack English Shepard to the park.  The English Shepard started running and all the other dogs chased him thinking it was just a fun game.  However, anytime another dog came close to him, he growled and went for the dog’s jugular.  One by one all the dogs ran away except for our dog, who thought it was still a game, until he got too close and the English Shepard went for his throat.  Luckily, Clark got away without serious injury, but he was pretty shaken up.

My daughter, Cam, went into Mama Bear mode and she got into the dog owner’s face and told him he needed to take his dog and leave because his dog was attacking others.  He said the other dogs were attacking his dog, then went on a verbal attack.  My daughter refused to back down and it got ugly.  We, along with the few remaining pet parents, took our puppies into a fenced off area meant for smaller dogs, but the guy continued to yell insults.
We eventually left because it was too stressful to be around the toxic energy.  On the ride  home, we were both a little shaken, but we agreed that after the initial shock of such a negative encounter at a normally peaceful place, we both felt sorry for this man and his dog because they were both so filled with anger that they could not accept or experience friendship or love.  We both said a prayer for the man and his dog and thanked spirit for bringing him into our lives as a reminder that sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away.  It was right for Cam to speak her peace and remind this man that vicious dogs are not allowed at the dog park, but once it became clear he was not going to listen, we could choose to stay and escalate or leave.

In this instance, leaving was not giving up or giving in, it was choosing to walk away for our own peace of mind.  And the lesson from temperance goes back to the word’s original meaning:  “moderation or self restraint” was that sometimes it is necessary to restrain our anger and our desire to have the last word in order to have peace.

All in all, it was a magical day that lived up to the meaning of temperance.

Shadow Work–Day 15 : How do I stop my shadow from stifling relationships?

How do I stop my shadow from stifling relationships?

The Fool is almost too cliched in this reading as he is telling me that I have to take a leap of faith.  I cannot stay in the safety of my own head.  I have to leap out and take risks and meet people.  I also have to trust that even if things don’t go as I would like, that there is a plan and that the divine has my back.

The choice is mine, according to Dreamer Two.  I can choose to stay in the darkness and be alone or I can choose to venture out into the sunshine and make friends and have relationships.  I can’t blame anyone else for my being lonely if I am choosing to be alone.

Maker Prince brings it home by telling me I can find the gift of connection if I follow the advice of the Fool and Dreamer Two.  I will make friends and I will find the love I am looking for if I am courageous enough to step outside my comfort zone.

And I normally pull three cards, but a fourth card was a tagalong with the Maker Prince and I could not resist turning it over.  It was Warrior Princess, the gift of courage.  This is spirit’s way of telling me that I will be given the courage I need to step outside my comfort zone.

Shadow Work–Day 11: Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Dreamer Ten tells me that I hesitate in relationships because I am terrified of getting hurt.  I’m terrified of having my heart ripped out again and I know that I could not handle this hurt again.  Interestingly enough, Ten of Swords came up yesterday in a reading I received yesterday as a reason that I hesitate in relationships and it is a mental block and not a block from my heart.  My brain has convinced me that I am unlovable, that I am not worthy of love, and that everyone out there who might be interested in me will take advantage of me and bleed me dry.  I am projecting all of the hurt from my ex-husband on everyone else.  As long as I continue projecting on everyone else, I will never be able to have a relationship because I will keep everyone at arm’s length.

Dreamer Nine is interesting as I have nightmares about not being loved and being unloved forever, but it is my own fear that is keeping love at bay.  There is no room in my life for love as long as I am haunted by nightmares of being hurt.  I think it is time that I actually addressed the physical and emotional abuse that I received.  For the most part, I’ve dealt with the emotional abuse and am in a place where I would recognize emotional abuse for what it was.  I’ve also gotten so much stronger at setting boundaries and cutting people out of my life.  I would also walk away after the first time someone hit me, but I’m terrified of letting someone close enough for there to be a first time.  My mind has built barriers to opening up and letting people in to protect my body.

Dancer Seven is telling me that I am drowning in these illusions.  I have so bought into my belief that anyone I meet would hurt me that I can’t seem to release this and let it go.  I have built my barricades up so high and I am so convinced that my only alternative is to keep people out.  This is why I am in such a place of fear and it is so difficult for me to actually connect with people and make friends and have relationships.

This was an incredibly powerful and insightful reading and it has identified something I didn’t realize before as I had kind of shrugged off the physical abuse my ex put me through and focused on the emotional abuse, but I’ve realized that my mind has built a lot of barriers to protect myself from this abuse.

Shadow Work–Day 10: How does my shadow influence how others see me?

How does my shadow influence how others see me?

Dancer Three tells me that I often go overboard to hide the pain in my heart.  At home, I am very much an introvert and don’t really have any friends.  I freak out and am truly terrified of meeting anyone.  However, I cover this up by being an extrovert at work, being bubbly, interacting with people, teasing them, etc.  I don’t feel like I can truly be myself so I hide who I am in and that influences how others see me because they see the mask I put on instead of the real me.

Maker Ten is another card that tells me i do a good job of maintaining the illusion and only letting people see what I want them to see.  I don’t want people to see who I truly am.  To see how damaged I am so I go overboard on putting on the happy camper face.  This card also goes into why I stayed in my miserable marriage so long.  I was so terrified of anyone thinking I wasn’t perfect or anyone judging me for getting divorced, that I stayed and put on the happy face instead of doing the right thing.

Interestingly, even though I do a good job of putting o the happy face and sometimes playing the fool, Dancer King tells me that people see me has having great emotional depth and being deeper than I let on sometimes.  This card also tells me that sometimes people who are sensitive can see the despair and loneliness in my soul even though I work hard to keep it hidden.

Shadow Work–Day 8: How does my shadow react when I am untrusting?

How does my shadow react when I am untrusting?



The fool jumps off a cliff when I am untrusting as if pushing me to trust, trust, trust.  I also find that when I am untrusting, I am put in situations where I have no choice but to trust.  That is pretty true for me as I took a new job last year doing organizational change management, but while we are selling OCM, I have to be billable so I have been doing project management work for the last year and that has been incredibly hard for me because I do not have the skills to do all the work myself and I have had to trust my team to do the work for me.  Although there have been a few bumps along the way, ultimately the team delivered.

Dancer Four tells me that when I am untrusting, I start to spend too much time looking inward and examining my own soul without liking what I find.  When I am untrusting, I start to see everyone else as other instead of seeing our similarities.  Dreamer Four also tells me that when I an untrusting, I don’t see the help that is all around me and I reject people. 

When I am untrusting of the world at large, I will often find one or two people that I do trust and become obsessive with them.  Dancer Prince speaks of this obsession as he peers fearfully from behind the tree and watches the world as if it is a dark and scary place.  Being untrusting means that I am coming from a place of fear and I divide the world into “Us and Them.” 

All in all, my shadow starts indulging in bad and fearful behavior as a reminder that I need to open my heart once again.  I have to be honest and say that I am so flipping sick of hearing that I need to open my heart.  It seems that the cards tell me that constantly to the point I just don’t want to hear it anymore.

Shadow Work–Day 4

How does my shadow hurt my relationships?

The Dancer tells me that I like to be alone.  I like to dance alone, I like to just be alone.  It is hard for me to be part of a group as my normal state of being is aloneness.  This is a card of healing and love, but for me that is healing myself and not healing the world.

Warrior three tells me that sometimes everything in my life is performance art.  I show up because I have to instead of because I really want to.  This works well at work where I get paid to show up and basically tell a story, but it doesn’t work as well in my personal life because it keeps me from forming the real and intimate connections that I crave.  This is supposed to be a card of collaboration, but for me it speaks to people working alone.

Maker King tells me that I intimidate people.  This may be because I am skilled at what I do, but could also be because I give off a vibe that I’m not interested in hearing other people’s opinions.  I like to be the king and I like to think that my skills are so special that no one could improve them.  Interestingly, I’ve been getting an education in learning to sell lately as I’ve had to put material together for our sales team and every time I do it, it gets a little bit better, but I’m not quite there it.  I have to be honest and say that this is literally one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do.