“And time slips by like a field mouse not shaking the grass” (Ezra Pound)
We are born, we cry, time crawls by
We go to school, we study, time lopes along
We graduate, we get a job, time slides by
We have children, time speeds up, they were children yesterday
We grow old, time slips by like a field mouse not shaking the grass
I hear the wild birds singing songs of spring
The caged birds answer, longing to be free
I hear the hawks squawk as birds become prey
The caged birds answer, happy to be confined
I hear coyotes howling at the moon, wildness personified
My dog answers, longing for the open air
I hear coyotes searching garbage cans for food
My dog answers in short grunts and snores, contentment exemplified
I hear my heart longing for freedom
I hear my brain reminding me of security
I hear my heart longing for contentment
I hear my brain reminding me contentment means letting go of longing
Wendy is my dear and loving pit bull. We adopted her about five months ago and she has brought so much joy and love to our lives. However, like all shelter dogs she comes with baggage. Wendy had given birth about six weeks before we adopted her and we don’t know what happened to her puppies as City Dogs didn’t have much information on her. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her sweet sad face and I knew that she had to be part of my life.
She’s gotten over most of her anxiety and most of the time is an incredibly sweet and loving dog. Sure she’s a bed hog and she gets a little cranky when we do unexpected things like set up the computer on the dining room table, but she’s mostly pretty low key. However, she was on a tear last week, she would come into the office and sit and bark at me for no reason, she pulled a bowl off the counter, and she was just generally acting out. Each time she came and barked at me, I checked her food bowl, I checked that she had water, and took her out. That satisfied her for a while, but the she’d be back and barking at me.
I was getting really frustrated until I realized that while her food bowl was full, one of the metal dog cans we keep the dog food in was empty and the supply in the other one was dwindling. I hadn’t thought anything of it because there was a bag of food sitting there waiting to be dumped into the canisters as soon as they were both empty, but Wendy had not equated the food bag with food and she was panicking and thinking she was going to run out of food. She was doing the only thing she could think to do and that was telling her human that there was an impending disaster and she was out of food. It didn’t matter that there really was food, she was afraid of starving.
As soon as I realized what she was concerned about, my heart broke as no dog should have to be afraid there isn’t enough to eat. I filled up both cans of food and made sure that she knew they were full. She relaxed as soon as she realized that there was food and she wasn’t going to starve. Now we’ve started showing her that there is food in both cans every time we feed her.
As I was thinking about the angst that Wendy went through thinking there was no food, I realized that this was what poverty consciousness looked like and I realized that there are a lot of times when I act just like Wendy. There’s money in my bank account, I have a good job, my bills are paid, I have a car to drive, but despite all of the obvious signs of prosperity, my brain is convinced that I’m going to starve. That’s when I get whiny, when I get grouchy, and when my heart clenches up in fear because I am positive that what I have is too good to be true and that there really is no food, even though there is a full bag sitting right there.
So what am I going to do about it? I’m going to remind myself that just like Wendy has me to make sure her food bowl is full, I have my beloved deities who always take care of me and guide me. Just like I want the best for my Wendy, they want what’s best for me and they are there to fill my food bowl and to remind me that I am loved and I am taken care of. I’m also going to be aware of what my poverty consciousness looks like and remind myself that when I get cranky and out of sorts, its probably my fear talking. I’ve learned that when I’m afraid, the best thing I can do is to make a list of all the ways that my fear is not true and use my logic to overcome my fear.
And hopefully someday, my Wendy will realize that I’m here for the long term and the kids and I will always make sure there is food in her food bowl.
Thanks for joining me!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
It’s been one of those weeks where I’ve been ready to say F* it and walk away from everything. It seems as if everyone has needed me and has been asking for more than I can give, including my dog. I finally snapped this morning when she was sitting in the other room whining and barking because she wanted attention. I know she didn’t really need anything in particular because her food bowl was full, she had water, and she had just been out. She just wasn’t happy that I wasn’t giving her 100 percent of my attention. I snapped and yelled at her which sent her scurrying for her hovel (her little nest). Of course, as soon as I saw that down turned tail and sad face, I felt horrible, but her whining was just the culmination of a week long pile of shit that has had everyone needing something from me and me not getting anything in return.
It’s gotten so bad at work that I’ve been ready to say F* it and walk away or at least go on a rant and outline exactly how stupid my clients are. Then I read about Rosanne Barr and sobered up very quickly. She chose to say exactly what she was feeling instead of taking a step back and thinking about the potential personal and professional implications. She also chose to make things worse when she was called on it and she continued to dig in, instead of offering a sincere apology and working to resolve the situation instead of continuing to stir the pot.
To be clear, I’m not a racist and have no intention of going on a rant that insults a group of people. My would be rants tend to be more personal and occur when I’m feeling so stressed and overwhelmed that I can’t see anyone else’s point of view. They happen when I’m feeling run down and feeling like I’ve given my all to other people and not gotten anything in return. I’m doing with a variety of personal and professional situations that are overwhelming and all I really want to do is rant and yell and tell everyone exactly how stupid they are.
However, I know that as satisfying as that would be in the short term, it would be devastating in the long term as I could lose the career I’ve worked hard to build, I could lose my financial security, I could lose the respect of people I work with. Those are not things that I want to lose and when I think about the short term satisfaction versus the long term devastation, I know that. So I will choose to play the long game and remind myself that this too shall pass and that no one is actually personally insulting me or telling me I’m stupid (although it feels like it) and that this is really just a professional difference of opinion.
I’m also going to take the rest of the day off to relax, clean house, snuggle my dog (assuming she forgives me) and just let go of all the stress and worry. I know playing the long game isn’t always easy, but it is the right choice.
Welcome to the Tarot Blog Hop. Our intrepid wrangler Jay Cassels and Co-wrangler Sharron Basanti tasked us with either choosing a card we feel represents us personally or professionally or picking a card out of a deck that represents the Spring Equinox and using it as the secret ingredient of a recipe. I chose Option 3, which was to let my muse take me wherever she wanted to take me.
Having grown up Christian, this season is all about rebirth for me and as I started thinking about what I was going to write about for this blog hop, the Six of Cups from the New World Tarot jumped out of the deck and as I was reading the meaning, I was struck by the words, “The Six of Cups is healing from trauma through accessing youthful joy that you may or may not remember.” That sentence opened up my heart in very unique ways and I realized that for this Blog Hop I was going to take a journey though the sixes of the New World Tarot.
For those of you who are not familiar with this deck, it is a deck that makes what many consider ugly (fat people, trans people, women with hairy legs, men in drag) beautiful and empowering. Christy C. Road, the deck creator said, “The New World is misfits owning their cultures without guilt.” She also said, “The New World is a foundation for reconnecting to our ancestry and dismantling magic that’s been harmed.” For me, working with the New World Tarot has been magical because I have seen the beauty and wonder in images that look more like me than the skinny white women and men that populate more traditional tarot decks. In terms of the order I’ve presented this journey through the sixes, this was the order that the cards presented themselves to me, but I could also see how a different order could make sense to someone else.
This is card that I have traditionally had a difficult relationship as the traditional card with the young man giving flowers to the young girl has always struck me as slightly creepy and I’ve always felt a deep inequity of power in the card. However, the card as Road has drawn it has more innocence to it and feels to me more about letting love wash over you. Road also said that this card was also about roots and about a connection to the people that raised you. This sentence along with other healing literature that I’m reading has helped me to see that I was loved growing up and that my parents probably did do the best they could for me. That doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt me, but I’m realizing that I need to look at intent and not results. This card is also showing me that I need to open my heart and be open to the love and playfulness that is all around me.
The six of swords speaks to us of journeys and letting go of the past. The RWS version of this card has a woman being ferried across the sea by a man. The New World version has a woman standing by the side of the road with her luggage. Road says, “She represents the end of a toxic past and the end of oppressors disguising themselves as loved ones. She represents the moment where you reclaim your personal power and walk away.” I love this reminder that it is my choice to walk away. There is no one physically holding me to the past and I can leave the baggage behind at anytime. This card helped me to realize that I was making some decisions based on things I hoped would happen if I had the decision. It also helped me realize that it really is time for me to cut all those cords (maybe with a sword?) and leave the baggage behind. It is festering and ugly and I don’t need it any more.
The six of pentacles is another card I’ve often struggled with as my first tarot deck was the DruidCraft Tarot and my immediate impression of the six of pentacles was someone being asked to give more than they could afford. What I’ve realized since is that the Six of Pentacles is about opening our hearts to both give and to receive. Sometimes we are so ashamed that we need help that we refuse to ask for it and suffer in silence and sometimes we are oblivious and do not think to offer help. Another scenario that I often have is that I think that what I have to give in terms of advice or time is of no value to someone else so I don’t offer assistance. Although this card is labeled as redistribution, in my heart I know that it is really about opening ourselves to giving and receiving help and giving and receiving love.
Oddly enough, one of the cushions that the woman is sitting on says Rebirth, which I did not realize until I went to write this post. I love what Road had to say about this card. She says, “The Six of Wands knows we deserve to fully experience our setbacks, our rage, and our personalized methods of healing from pain; yet she manages to sit above the pain, embracing outside successes and smiling at the face of support.” This card is about embracing our worth and knowing that no matter what is going on in our lives, we are worth it. What I truly love about this card versus the more traditional version is that it is about accepting and acknowledging our own worth, versus relying on external accolades. One of the things I have realized lately is that I rely way to heavily on external sources of validation. I like to get As in school, I like my boss to praise me, and while those things are nice, I need to learn to validate myself and that is really hard sometimes.
As we enter this time of balance and rebirth, I hope that this post gave you something to think about and if you want to continue hopping, you can hop backward to see Traci’s post or hop ahead to see Katalin’s post. Visit the Master List to see a list of all our great bloggers.
I’ve done a good job of letting go of the belief that to be a good person I had to be poor and that there wasn’t enough money or resources in this world for all of us. However, I just realized that I haven’t yet let go of the idea that the only way to have money is to sacrifice my soul. I’ve realized that deep within my soul I’ve believed that my spiritual and creative endeavors can’t pay the bills and that the only way to maintain the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to is suffer through a corporate job.
However, I’ve realized that this belief is true because I believe it to be true. I can choose to change that belief and believe that I can be creative, spiritual, and prosperous. I can take all of the things I’ve learned in my life and create a beautiful, spiritually rich, and prosperous lifestyle. All it truly takes is being willing to let go of my belief that a spiritual life equals poverty.
This means letting go of the belief that so many of us in the metaphysical community have that selling our talents and skills means selling spirituality. I’ve realized that that is not true and that while spirituality may be free, if I have a specific set of knowledge or skills that can help people, there is nothing wrong with charging a fair price for my services.
I get frustrated when I see people in the spiritual community begging for funds so that they can be a spiritual leader, but I’m realizing that the big reason for my frustration is that they are subconsciously strengthening my belief that you can only be spiritual or prosperous and you cannot be both. This idea is also strengthened when I hear negative commentary about the pastors of megachurches who choose to have a nice lifestyle. Now to be clear, I do not believe that pastors or anyone else should take advantage of people to profit, but I’m realizing that there is nothing wrong with them accepting a decent salary and selling books or hosting TV shows for profit.
The bottom line is that I’m realizing it is okay to profit off my spiritual and creative talents and skills.
I’ve been procrastinating lately on finishing training material for a client. Part of it is that doing technical training material is really tedious and boring and I don’t feel like I’m learning anything. However, as I was sitting there last week trying to finish up material that I should have had done a couple of weeks earlier, I realized that I was rationing out my work because there wasn’t anything else concrete in the pipeline.
It seems that deep down in my soul, in the part that is still struggling to heal from being used and abused, I was thinking that if I finished this work and didn’t have anything else to do, I would be worthless and of no value. I’ve worked really hard to get over the belief that the only value I have for people is in what I can bring to the table, so it was a little heartbreaking to realize that deep down I still don’t realize the value I bring to the table.
My guides also told me that I was suffering from a lack of faith as it appeared I wasn’t trusting them to bring more work (and hence more money) into my life.
Although it is disappointing to realize that I still have a bunch more work to do on myself, I’m grateful that I’m at the point in my recovery where I can actually recognize these things and talk myself out of these thoughts instead of succumbing to them.
My experience at Sedona seven years ago was one of the most spiritual moments of my life as I felt the Gods were giving me a gift of true wisdom and it is a lesson that I go back to time and time again. The lesson of the cairns was one of the greatest lessons of my life and it’s one that I work hard to live by life by. As I’ve worked to incorporate this wisdom into my very soul, I’ve realized that it is the simplest and most complex gift I’ve ever been given. I’ve encapsulated some of the facets of this wisdom below.
Have a Goal
At first glance, it would seem that having a goal is the antithesis of living cairn by cairn because having a goal implies you know where you are going long term. It took me a while to reconcile the two in my head, but then I realized that when I was in Sedona, I did have a goal. I wanted to get out of the park and I was able to accomplish that goal cairn by cairn. Living Cairn by Cairn has changed how I view goals. I used to think that when I had a goal, I had to know absolutely every step that I needed to take before committing to the goal. However, experience has taught me that sometimes all I need to do is take the next step.
The best story about having a goal and living Cairn by Cairn was when I decided to buy a house four years ago. My kids and I knew that we wanted to move out of Chicago, but we weren’t sure where we wanted to move to and I knew I had some credit problems that would stand in the way of getting a mortgage. Nevertheless, we put it out there to the universe that we wanted to move and we came up with a rough plan: we had to figure out where we were going to move to, I had to get a mortgage, and we had to actually move. Now anyone who has ever moved knows there is a whole lot more involved then those simple steps, but those were the big ones.
We picked a few cities that we thought might work for us and set about analyzing them using a set of criteria we created (access to healthcare, public transit, museums, etc.). Once we had our list, we started to visit them. The first city we visited with Cleveland we liked it a lot. We talked about visiting other cities, but it was expensive and time consuming so we decided on Cleveland. The next step was a getting a mortgage. I applied, I got turned down, I applied somewhere else, I got turned down, rinse, repeat. I finally decided to get some help cleaning up my credit and the person I asked for help, told me about a program called NACA that helps people get credit. I went to a seminar in June, filled out a whole lot of paperwork, and got a preliminary approval in August.
Once we had that preliminary approval, we spent a few weekends in Cleveland looking for a house that met our criteria. We found it, put in an offer, and did all the other minutia associated with getting a mortgage and moving and we moved into our very own house on October 31, 2015, which was a perfect day for a witch to take possession of a house.
And it all happened Cairn by Cairn. When we put it out there, we didn’t know where we’d end up living or how we would get a mortgage, but we just kept taking the next step that presented itself.
Ask for and Accept Guidance
We not only asked for and received help from a lot of people on the earthly plane, we also put it out there to the universe and asked our guides for help. We did ritual every month asking for help to buy a house and we listened as we got those little nudges. Information showed up on social media, a Web search led to a credit consultant who led me to NACA. We paid attention to all those little synchronicites and let ourselves be guided.
While listening to guidance from the spirit realm was hard, asking for and accepting guidance from the earthly realm was sometimes more difficult. In order to get a mortgage, I had to turn over a whole lot of personal and a little bit mortifying information. I had to explain the dings on my credit, I had to explain the foreclosure and the bankruptcy. And I had to set my ego aside and listen to the guidance I was being given
Trust the Guidance
I’ve struggled with trust issues most of my life and it’s been even worse since I got divorced. However, living Cairn by Cairn requires trusting the guidance that spirit gives you, even when it makes no sense. On December 07, 2018, I took a bath while preparing for an online ritual. I got out of the tub and a little voice told me not to drain the bath water. It seemed like weird advice, but it wasn’t a big deal so I left the water. We had an amazing ritual and ended up invoking Pele. I went upstairs and realized I’d left the candles burning. I bent over to blow them out and my hair caught fire. There wasn’t a towel nearby and I couldn’t see the faucet, however, I remembered the tub was still full of water so I turned around and dunked my head. It sizzled just like Pele’s lava hitting the water. I was so thankful I’d trusted that little voice because even though I was badly burned, it could have been so much worse.
Accept Uncertainty
The biggest difficulty for me in living Cairn by Cairn is accepting uncertainty. I’ve always been someone who wanted to have the entire path laid out before me before me before I took one step,
however living Cairn by Cairn means that I have to trust that the path will unfold before me. I have to trust that when I reach one Cairn the next one will appear. There are times I feel like I’m going to be left hanging, but I never have been so I have learned to trust that I am being guided.
Live in Wonder
The biggest gift that living Cairn by Cairn has given me is a sense of wonder in the beauty and joy that exists in the world. I was in Carmel, CA last April and I ended up at the beach at sunset and I stood and watched an amazing sunset with 50 other people who had taken time out of their day to stop and watch nature’s light show. It was a beautifully unplanned way to end the day and if I hadn’t let myself be guided that day, I would have missed it.
Living Cairn by Cairn is an amazing way to live your life, but it takes a little getting used to and I have to admit there are still days where I want to create a concrete life plan that details every step I’m going to take for the rest of my life. However, living Cairn by Cairn has taught me that “Man Plans and God Laughs” and to be honest, I’m kind of enjoying letting the divine take the lead.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the last few years is that when I am truly present in every moment, I experience life in a much deeper way and I’m open to finding joy and beauty wherever I’m at. Some days being present comes easy, but other days I have to work hard to recenter myself and be in the moment. This week was one of those weeks where I struggled to find my balance and live in the moment.
Assessment weeks are always hard because I’m on site at the client from Monday morning through Friday around noon. This week was harder than usual due to some unforeseen circumstances so I was really happy to be heading home on Friday afternoon. After fielding a few phone calls, I arrived at the airport and was ready to settle in and wait for my flight. As I was walking to the counter to check in, I saw the above banner and it was an amazing reminder of how I am choosing to live my life.
Do Things That Matter to Your Heart
Work is an important part of life because it keeps food on the table and a roof over my head, but work can no longer be the sole focus of my life. I lived that way for too long and I missed out on a lot of joy because of living this way. I’ve been making a conscious effort to spend more time with my kids, take time to relax, and to live in a joyful manner. Last Sunday, when I arrived in San Diego, I took time to go to the beach and watch the sunset because there is nothing like a California sunset and I am in awe of the fact that so many people head to the beach to watch the sunset. I also make time to spend with my dogs because they bring me so much joy and love and ask so little in return. When I choose to live in a heartful manner, life is just better.
Be You
I am the only one who can be Me in this great big world. It took me a really long time to realize how unique I am and that it was truly okay to be myself. I spent way too long twisting myself into knots trying to fit my now ex-husband’s idea of what a perfect wife should be and my mother’s idea of what a perfect person should be. Both of them believed that the perfect me was someone who took care of everyone else and had nothing left to give myself. Living that way for 22 years left me a shell of a person and it took me a while to figure out who I was, but now I choose to live for myself. I don’t care who thinks I’m too old to drive a red sports car or who thinks it’s too late for me to go to graduate school. I’m choosing to live life on my terms and I’m a lot more authentic because of those choices.
This is a Good Moment, Don’t Forget This Moment
I loved that this sign was in an airport, because airports are transitory places that we’re always rushing through to get some place else. It’s so easy to miss big chunks of our life because we’re in a hurry to get somewhere else. Reading this made me slow down and focus on the moment. I focused on the way the light was coming through the window, I focused on being kind to the customer service reps, I focused on just being present right where I was. After security, I went to a restaurant and focused on eating my Poke. Even though these were all very simple and ordinary moments, they mattered because our life is made up of moments.
Inspiration comes in the oddest moments and I’m glad I took time to notice this banner and to make this moment count.
Cairn by Cairn 