Category: Uncategorized

Goddess of the Week: Sophia

First Impressions:  Royalty, peace,

Meaning:  Wisdom, knowing yourself, tenderness and light

This card called to me as I felt calmness and tenderness radiating off of her.  Sophia speaks to me of turning inward to find wisdom and learning about who I am and applying that to the world.  What I see around me is that so many people want to change the world, but they are unwilling to do the work required to change themselves.  It seems as if it is so easy to point the finger at someone else and demand that they change instead of turning the magnifying glass inward and looking at our own actions and behaviors.  The flip side of this is knowing what I’m not responsible for and what I can’t control.

The border between my behavior and others behaviors is boundaries and that’s the hardest area for me.  I have a tendency to take responsibility and ownership for things that are really not my responsibility and that I shouldn’t own.  That goes back to we teach people how to treat us and that if we let people walk all over us, they will continue to do that.  I learned a long time ago with my kids that I had to stop acting as if getting them to do their chores was a favor to me because that made them feel as if it was something extra that they were doing to be nice.  I’ve learned that I have to make them understand that this is a requirement and that if they don’t do it, there will be consequences.  I’m still not perfect at it, but I’m getting there.

The same is true in work and we often don’t do a good job of holding people accountable and making them understand that good behavior is not optional.  However, I think as women we are so afraid of the bitch label and we are so afraid of not being liked that we tolerate bad behavior.  My marriage taught me that it is my responsibility to stand up and call out the people who treat me badly.  I need to be the one that says that certain behavior is unacceptable and that I will not tolerate it.  Of course as a woman, people tend to label you “too emotional” or “too sensitive” when you stand up for yourself, but I don’t believe demanding to be treated with respect makes me too sensitive.  I was so fed up with X the other day when he was whining about how someone had disrespected him, but the behavior he was talking about was no worse than what he’d done to me.  However, because I’m female I was being too sensitive.  That was a huge lesson to me in how men like to give women the label of too sensitive as a way to keep them down.

New Moon Spread

This spread was done based on a spread by Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s spread for Chantico the Goddess of the month.  Chantico is the goddess of the heart and the defender of the home.  She is a sun goddess and represents the nine of wands.

What is the Source of Your Inner Fire?
The source of my fire is the Red Dakini (Eight of Fire).  Interestingly enough the eight of wands was the card that I chose for today as it said fireworks to me and moving fast.  The Red Dakini’s message is that it is okay to follow impossible dreams and believe in things that on the surface would not seem to be possible.  The Red Dakini is all about change and moving from one level to another.  What is interesting is that as I pursue my degree and open myself up to the possibilities of what lays beyond, I find myself so much more confident and feeling in control of my life.  I feel that I am moving with more grace and as a woman who knows her worth.  That is an amazing change that has come over me.  I also find myself knowing with deep certainty that my perfect love will come to me.

How do you use this Fire?
Tsonokwa (six of earth) tells me to give of myself and my wealth and to give freely.  The knowledge
and skills I am gaining are to be shared with others and not just stockpiled.  Tsonokwa also tells me to be courageous as I move forward.  This is so interesting because my increased confidence is also helping me to move forward with courage.  In the past, I would have said no to going back to school because of the cost or because I could see no practical way to use my degree, but my guides are telling me that I am on the right path.  I still have no idea where it will lead me, but I know I am being cared for and led and that saying yes is the right thing to do.  I’m also receiving the message that I need to also take care of myself.  I will be taken care of, but part of being taken care of is knowing what I need to take care of myself.

What protection does your fire need?
Dhomanavati (Hag of Air) tells me that my fire needs protection from illusion and from those who would put me down and not respect me.  She tells me to know I am enough all by myself and that I do not need approval from society.  I do not need someone else in my life as I am capable of taking care of myself.  However, she also tells me that it is not wrong to want someone in my life for companionship and fun.  I need to be cautious of assuming that I need someone else to take care of me.  I need to let go of what society tells me and listen to my own heart.  I also need to let go of those things that no longer serve me.



What Fuel does your fire need?
Erinye (Ten of Air) tells me that the time to be fueled by righteous indignation is past and that it is time to surrender and be led by the fates.  I love this as I am finally starting to feel that I am finding my balance between being proactive and taking control of my life and letting the fates guide me.  The lesson they gave me in Sedona eight years ago is one of the most amazing lessons I’ve ever been given.  Living Cairn by Cairn reminds me to look for the next right action and when I’ve taken that step to look for the next one.  It is an interesting way to live, but it does help stop me from excessively planning and being so caught up in planning my next move that I don’t enjoy the present moment.  I’m not perfect yet, but I am definitely moving in the right direction.

What is being transformed within you?
Oh Circe (Three of Fire), you have such wisdom for me for you are all about transformation.  You are reminding me of the importance of my creativity and expressing it in all forms and in all aspects of my life.  My creativity is about the flowers I put on the table as well as the creative words I write.  You’re also reminding me to dress for power and to integrate all aspects of my life.  That’s interesting for me as I deliberately chose to put my little love altar in my workspace instead of my bedroom or creating a separate altar because I wanted the reminder that love needs to be part of my entire life and not segregated into a specific area.  It made sense to put it on my work altar as that is where I spend the most time when I’m home and that is where I would be most likely to see it on a regular basis.

Overall, this was a pretty interesting reading as it summed up the fact that I am becoming an independent woman who has the confidence and the wherewithal to live life on my own terms.

Deliberate Draw: Seer of Wands

First Impressions:  Bold, doing what needs to be done

Book:  Restless spirit of adolescence, ready for a change and a new challenge, frank, being daring to the point of being dangerous

Guidance: Encourage enthusiasm, nurture your own adventurous spirit

Journaling

One of the things I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that there is a tendency to play it safe as we get older.  We have so much to lose.  We can’t just quit our jobs and go off and do what our heart is telling us to do because we’ll lose our status, we’ll lose the time we’ve invested, we’ll lose all of that.  It is so much harder to be bold when you have things that you will have to leave behind.  I believe it is easier to take chances and be bold when you aren’t afraid of losing all that you’ve worked for.  What I’ve been working to do is figure out how to be cautiously bold, how to move forward with the things that make me happy, while being smart about my security.  It isn’t easy because my heart wants to just say F* it all, quit my job, and go back to school full time.  However, as I’ve matured over the years I’ve realized that my brain gets a vote too and my vote says we need to be secure, need to pay off the bills, etc. ,etc.

In the past, I would have said F* security, I just want to be happy.  However, I’ve realized that I can be secure an be happy and that moving forward with my dreams doesn’t mean leaping without a net.  It may take longer to get where I want to be while working, but I will get there.  Additionally, in some ways having a full time job will pursing my dreams actually helps me pursue them because all those free hotel rooms and airline points mean that I can go to conferences that I couldn’t afford if I didn’t have a full time job.  When I let go of my impatience and accept that I can’t have everything I want right now, I can embrace taking the slow road.  I can embrace following my dreams while still living a secure life.

I love this card because she ventures boldly out into the world without a lot of baggage, but I’m realizing that sometimes we need our baggage.  Sometimes we need our ties to other people and our past.

Nine of Cups

July 2, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot


First Impressions:  Good fortune, living well, knowing what you want and going for it

Book:  Fortune is smiling on you

Guidance:  Visualize your desires and intentions

Journaling

I love this card for it says to me to be grateful and happy for what you have.  This card is about like attracting like and I have learned that the more grateful I have for what I am, the more good stuff will come into my life.  I’ve also learned that I need to be happy right now and not be happy when X happens.  If I wait for something external to bring me happiness, I might not every be happy because the external thing I’m waiting for may never happen.  However, if I choose to be happy right now in my messy house, with my less than perfect dogs and kids, with a job that I sometimes like and sometimes hate, I will bring more happiness into my life.

I always thought that people who said happiness was a mindset were crazy because how could they be happy when bad things were happening, but I’ve learned that 90 percent of the time we can choose to be happy.  We can choose to clean up the dog poop and be happy the dog loves us so much (here’s looking at you Wendy!), we can choose to wash the dishes and be grateful we have food to eat, we can choose to do the boring work and be thankful that we have a job.  And if we can see the blessing in everything, more blessings will come into our lives.

The other piece of this is that if we aren’t willing to do the work to change things, we don’t get to complain about them.  If work isn’t going so well, but we aren’t willing to find a new job or change our attitude, then we don’t get to complain.  All complaining does is remind us of the bad things in our life and draw more bad stuff into our life.  However, when we remind ourselves of how blessed we are, we become more blessed.

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March 22, 2018

Deck;  RWS

First Impressions:  The wish card, inviting people who haven’t showed up

Book:  Card of fulfilled wishes, things are yours for the taking

Guidance:  All that you want is yours

Journaling  

I don’t like this card as it always makes me think of loneliness.   feel as if the person in the card is opening his heart and no one is saying yes.  Or maybe, that is just how I see the card because I feel as if I am opening myself to love and no one is coming or responding. 

When he did my soul retrieval, Keven picked up doubt trailing me around and I guess it’s true.  I have a lot of doubt about how my life is going to turn out and whether I will ever have love.  It feels as if I never will and as if I will be alone forever.  I honestly don’t know what I am supposed to do.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me a guide me toward the love of my life.  Please help me find the one that is right for me.

Blessings,
Raine

December 25, 2018

It’s interesting that I wrote this just nine months ago, but I feel as if I have been transformed.  I’ve realized that the very act of opening our hearts and welcoming people in is an act of love and kindness.  I think the problem is that I have such a binary mind (if I do this, then this has to happen), but the world is way more than binary.  I’m realizing that the act of opening my heart and loving is enough.  The world is not a quid pro quo world and that opening my heart is enough. 

I’m realizing that I need to live my life more like Clark and Wendy and less like Luke.  Luke was always hesitant and afraid that we didn’t love him, even after he had been part of our life for 10 years.  Clark and Wendy, on the other hand, know that they are worthy of love despite the fact that before they came into our lives there was not much evidence of it.  They love with open hearts and that is the way I need to live my life.  I need to live my heart knowing that I am worthy of love and that if someone does not love me, that is on them and not on me.

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November 14, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Friendship

Book: Saluting comfort, abundance, and good fortune, fortune that is of good cheer, you have achieved a place of comfortable abundance

Guidance:  Be aware of the energy of the hermit to the extreme, share what you have with graciousness

Journaling

Interesting read on this card.  I love the reminder to not be the hermit as that is my preference.  I love to hide away and have my alone time.  I recharge when I am alone.  I need to find my balance between alone time and not shutting people out.  I don’t know yet where that balance is.  Part of it is that I have to be so on at work that being on at home is a daunting thought.  My daughter calls it emotional labor and she’s right.  I also know that in some ways it is harder than psychical labor.

November 20, 2017

I really need to work to cultivate balance in my life.  It is way too easy for me to stay in my little hermit mode and stay isolated.  I need to work harder to get out of myself as it is way too easy to stay in my little hermit shell and stay isolated.  However, the flip side is do I need to meet people, is there anything wrong with being solitary?

October 30, 2018

I think I’m doing much better at this because I am finally at a place where I’ve realized that it is okay to be a hermit and it is okay to be myself.  There is nothing shameful about not wanting to be around people 24/7.   John ridiculed me and made fun of me if I did not want to constantly be around people.  I think he uses people to hide from himself whereas I used to using my alone time to hide from people.  I think I’m finally at a point where I am finding balance.

It really helps knowing that how much or how little I socialize is purely my choice and is not anyone else’s.  That helps me to feel a lot better and it honestly makes it easier to socialize with others.  I also am realizing that I do need people in my life, but I need to control the dosage and the method of delivery.  I want to have people I can talk to about real issues and not just have a group of people who are drinking buddies.  I think I’m starting to make progress on this front.  It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

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September 29, 2016

Nine of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts


First Impressions:  This card shows a bartender all ready for guests, but there is no one there to drink with him.  He looks happy and welcoming.  He also has a peacock feather in his vest, which is interesting as peacock feathers are symbols of good luck in the east and bad luck in the west.  The nine of cups always strikes me as a card of friendship and good times.

Book:  Realizing a long held dream, period of emotional contentment.  It’s possible someone may be missing from your life. 

Guidance:  Appreciate what you have

Journaling:

The words that struck me as I read this is that there is probably someone missing from your life.  This last week has really been about missing my mom, but I don’t know how to reconnect.  The rules I choose to live by (treating people with respect, setting boundaries, and not giving unsolicited advice) are ones that make sense to me and I surround myself with people who treat me like I want to be treated.  I have no clue how to set boundaries with her because she won’t respect them.  She will be hurt and see boundaries as a rejection.  Maybe I just need to think it over and then be willing to listen.

December 23, 2017

It really hurt to read what I wrote over a year ago and realize that I’m still feeling like an orphan and motherless.  It hurts to not have someone who loves me unconditionally and who will listen to me when I cry and support me.  I never have had that in my life as my entire childhood growing up I always had to be careful what I said so I didn’t set her off.  I could never be honest about what was going on in my life because I would either be judged or get a lecture.  There is no one from my childhood who could just flipping listen and support without being judgemental. 

What especially ticked me off is how people would give advice even when I didn’t ask for it.  My Uncle Gene had to advise me how to spend my money and that flying lessons were a waste even though I didn’t ask for his advice.  And the first thing my mother said when she walked in to my new house was,  “Why’d you put that picture there?  I would have put it there.”  How flipping rude and insulting is that?  The house was clean and looked really nice, but she had to find fault.  I can’t do that any more in my life. 

It is one thing if someone is endangering themselves or others, but if they are making judgments that are different than mine, it is not my place to give advice.  And I would never walk in to someone’s house and critique their decorating.  That is just rude.

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September 15, 2016



Deck:  Hanson Roberts


Initial Impressions:  Interesting card.  I like how it shows the main full face right up in the camera.  I find the peacock feather interesting as that is a symbol of luck and hospitality in eastern cultures.  My initial impressions of this card are of happiness and welcoming.  It also speaks to friendship and collaboration.

Book:  Realization o a dream.  Imaginative and creative life.  Flourishing.

Guidance:  Count your blessings.  Appreciate what you have.

December 22, 2018

Oddly enough, I didn’t journal on this card either.  I must have been uber busy at the time I was pulling these cards.  I like the reminder to count my blessings.  I have been working really hard to focus on the positive lately and not get bogged down in the negative.  Right now, I’m a little pissed off that we have a defect heading into the holidays and we’re expected to work while on PTO to resolve it.  I understand that that is the nature of the beast, but it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.

Deliberate Draw: Six of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Balancing, resources, unequal

Book:  Sharing resources, remembering how others have helped you, the human heart holds a profound capacity for generosity

Guidance:  If you are in need, expect help in some form, share some of your abundance

Journaling

I love the reading on this card.  The six of pentacles is a card that I historically have a difficult relationship with as the first six of pentacles card I ever worked with was the DruidCraft, but this card really makes it about sharing the wealth and paying it forward.  It is a reminder that none of us exists in a vacuum and that  we all need someone else’s help.  I think a part of being open and willing to accept help is the attitude in which help is asked for.  I am so much more willing to provide help when it is asked for in an attitude of humility and not entitlement.  I get really angry when people act as if my money is there money and they are entitled to it.  That’s happened to me a could of times when people would ask for money, then act as if what I gave them was not enough.  Or when people said they wanted money for food and I bought them food and that wasn’t enough.  I’m much more discriminating in who I give help to these days.  I think part of it is perception and people assume that if someone has nice clothes, a computer, etc., then they have all the money in the world, but I don’t and the reason that I do have nice things is that I work for them.

Accepting help is also all about attitude.  I don’t ask for or accept help if it feels like charity or if the person giving the help acts as if they are superior to me.  I have worked really hard to get to the point where I feel good about myself and I’m not going to put myself in a position of inferiority to someone else.  There are things I am lacking that others have and things that others are lacking that I have.  One of the lessons I’ve learned about equality is that it doesn’t mean we are all equal in everything. It really just means that it evens out.  That’s a hard concept to grasp sometimes because I was brought up thinking equality meant everyone had the same size piece of cake and that is not what it means at all.

The other important part of this card is that sharing isn’t just about money.  It is also about sharing the intangible gifts we have with others.  It means sharing our knowledge, our support, and just generally helping people get by in this world.  The world can be a cold and hard place and a kind world often means the world.

Deliberate Draw: Goddess of the Week

Isis calls to us to come and crawl into her lap and to let ourselves be loved.  She is about sinking into a mother’s lap and knowing that you are loved unconditionally. I have always had an odd relationship with Isis because she is my matron Nephthys sister.  Isis is, obviously, the more well known of the sisters and she is the one that people think of when they think of Egyptian Goddesses.  She is the mother figure, she nurtures, she provides.  Nephthys has a darker reputation as she was the wife of Set who killed Osiris.  People forget that she was right by Isis side as she mourned her husband.  Because of this history and because Isis is more well known, I’ve always felt that Nephthys would feel slighted if I got too close to Isis. 

However, as my spirituality and my relationship with Nephthys has matured, I’ve realized that Isis and Nephthys are two sides of the same coin.  Isis is, for me, the kind and loving mother who takes you into her lap and lets you snuggle while Nephthys is the one who nags you to clean your room.  Both are very important and if  you just grow up with the warm and snuggly mom and don’t have discipline, you will grow up to be an entitled jerk.  However, by the same token if you just grow up with the hard ass you will grow up not believing you are worthy of love.  I grew up believing I was not worthy of love because I never got the warm snuggly side of the goddess.  I always got the “clean your room” and “take care of everyone else” side of the goddess. 

In some ways, I think that is why Nephthys showed up for me first as she was the goddess I needed.  Although I saw her warm side and she made it clear that she was in it for the long haul, she also wasn’t someone who had a nice warm lap to climb into.  I don’t think I would have known what to do if I had encountered a goddess with a warm and snuggly lap.  I don’t think I would have trusted her as I was so used to being pushed aside or told I wasn’t good enough unless I was doing something for someone else.  Nephthys gained my trust because she was a little standoffish and she showed her love by guiding me and directing me.  I learned that I could scream and yell at her and she would still be there for me.

In learning to trust Nephthys and her not so warm and snuggly love, I’ve learned that I am worthy of love just for being myself and that I don’t need to prove anything or do anything to be worthy of love.  Knowing this has helped me learn to trust love and I think I’m finally ready to just snuggle into Isis lap and let her love surround me.

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Pentacles

First Impressions: Goddess of plenty, grounded, transformation

Book:  Loves her body, the earth, and life itself, understanding the cyclical nature of fertility, a caretaker, confidence

Guidance:  Self trust is the most important quality, find your earthy qualities

Journaling

I love the reminder to find earthy qualities within myself.  I am happiest when I am being true to myself and not getting caught up in things that aren’t real and honest and true.  The physical world is so important, but we often neglect it as we chase after stuff that doesn’t matter.  I know that I’ve been being much more critical about the stuff I acquire lately.  I’ve learned that so much of the stuff we acquire is just junk or becomes junk.  That’s an interesting lesson because we live in such a consumerist society where we are constantly told that the more stuff we have the better life will be, but I am coming to realize that that is not true.  More stuff is just more stuff.  And the truth of the matter is that no one is going to want all that crap when you die, it will just end up at goodwill.

I’m working at taking a good long look at all the stuff that I own and making decisions about what stays and what goes.  I know that I need a certain amount of stuff in my life, but I don’t need all the stuff I have.  I think about people in my family who have storage containers full of crap that they never use.  Not only have they spent a ton of money on stuff that doesn’t matter, they’re also paying money to store all this stuff. 

Deliberate Draw: Sibyl of Cups

First Impressions: Emotions, floating, messy

Book: Beauty, fragile, discovering self-love

Guidance:  Spend time along journaling, dreaming, or exploring

Journaling:

This card fits where I am today as it is a reminder that loving myself needs to come first.  I sometimes get so caught up in taking care of other people that I don’t make time for myself and when that happens I end up getting run down and cranky.  However, when I take the time to love myself and take care of myself, I absolutely glow with love and I can be kind and compassionate to others.  I grew up being taught that taking care of myself was selfish and that it was better to give love to others than to take time to love yourself.  However, all that creates is someone who is very unhappy and resentful of the world.  When I truly love and honor myself, I have energy to love other people.

I’ve also learned that the biggest way for me to honor and love myself is to set boundaries about what I will and will not do.  I have learned that I need to be firm about the time I need for myself and I need to say no to things that don’t work for me.  When I do that and do it in a kind and gentle way, life is way better than if I say yes and am resentful.  I’ve also learned that I am someone who really needs a lot of alone time and when I make time for myself and have that alone time, I can be sociable.  However, if I don’t get that alone time that is critical for me, I just feel depleted and angry.

Deliberate Draw; Seeker of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Seeking knowledge, finding your way, awareness

Book:  Worker bee, wanting security, working slowly and steadily toward it, sacred approach to work

Guidance:  Cultivate trustworthiness

Journaling

For some reason this card reminded me of Cam.  Maybe it was the green and the horses, but this card made me think of her and how hard she works toward her goals.  She has had so many setbacks in her life, but she continues to get up and push forward.  I am so amazingly proud of her and cannot believe she’s been in my life for 27 years.  I remember so well the day she was born in the hospital on Okinawa.  I had a C-section and when she was born all the nurses commented on her eyes and how blue they were.  Even though life with John was hard, I would not trade my two kids for the world.

Since today is Cam’s birthday, she is on my mind and I am thinking about all the trips we’ve taken over the past 27 years and how she has bolstered me and been there for me when life has been tough.  I always used to look askance at people who said their mother was their best friend, but in a lot of ways she is my best friend because she is a really good listener and she tries hard to help people when she can.  She is also very smart and dedicated and works hard for what she wants. 

She is also very much her grandfather’s granddaughter in her love of animals.  She loves all creatures great and small and I love how excited she gets about seeing the groundhog that lives in the ravine.  She squees when she sees him and she is so cute about it.  Then there is her love for Clark.  He really saved her in ways that no one else can and I am so glad that we have that little black dog in our lives.  He is so “sassy” as Cam puts it and he has more confidence than I have every seen in a dog.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!  I love you.

Self Care: The Art of No

Since I wrote my self care manifesto last November, I’ve been really paying attention to how well I can take care of myself and looking for opportunities to do better and I’ve realized that I don’t always do a good job of saying no.

I’m a consultant which means that most weeks I leave home on Monday morning and come home on Thursday night. I’m on a project in Chicago right now which means my commute is fairly easy and since it is early in the project, I’m not working insane hours and can be in bed by 10:30 most nights. That means I’m getting good sleep, I’m working to get exercise every day, and I have a quick commute to work so I can take care of myself.

However, because it is early in the project, people are on a bonding kick and want to go out to dinner in the evenings to bond and get to know each other. As an Organizational Change Management professional, I get the need for the team to bond and become cohesive, but I don’t think that team dinners where there are copious amounts of alcohol involved are really bonding opportunities because I’ve learned from experience that at least some of the people who are sitting there really don’t want to be there and are a little pissed off that they had to attend this command performance. I know, because I’m one of those people.

Two of our executives are coming to down this week and there is a command performance for dinner on Monday night and I’ve said no. I have a paper due for school on Wednesday and I was planning on spending Monday and Tuesday nights proofing and polishing to make sure it was as good as it could be. I could still go to dinner, but that would mean I’d work late on Monday to make up the time that I spent schmoozing and I wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep. Sleep is an important part of my self care routine so I’m going to take care of myself and say no to schmoozing.

I have to admit that I’m incredibly proud of myself for saying no because in the past, I would have put everyone else’s needs ahead of my own and I would have gone even though it meant I would have shortchanged myself on the sleep that I need.