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A Year to Heal

I choose a word of the year every year as a reminder of what I want to accomplish and of who I want to be. Last year my word was love and I made so much progress in learning to love myself and in learning to open my heart to love. What I learned along the way was that loving is hard work and that it isn’t what any of us as little girls are brought up to believe it is. We’re brought up to believe that we’ll meet a handsome prince and he’ll solve all our problems for us. However, we’re not taught about how to choose someone who will be loving, kind, and responsible. We’re taught that looks are all that matters. I spent 22 years trying to love someone who wasn’t capable of loving me back and I’ve spent the past 8 years trying to figure out exactly what love is. The one thing I’ve learned for sure is that love isn’t something that just happens. Love is hard, love is scary, and love is work.

I’ve also realized that love and healing are intertwined and while I’ve made a lot of healing in learning to love, I also have a lot of work to do in healing and growing. That’s why I chose the word HEAL as my word of the year as there are a lot of things I still need to work out. I need to heal my relationship with food, my relationship with myself, my relationship with my body, and my relationships with people who have hurt me in the past. I don’t know exactly what tools or techniques that I’ll use, but I do know it will involve reading and writing as those are things that have helped me in the past. Tarot will probably be involved as the cards have helped me figure things out more than once. I’ll write about general things here and about more tarot related things on Tarot of Change. Feel free as I dive into 2020 and work to heal my life.

Tarot Blog Hop: The Gift

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The theme for our solstice Blog Hope is Gift and I chose to use it as a catalyst for the gift I plan to give myself in 2020 and that is the gift of healing. I “choose” or am given a word every year and this year the word that has been coming to me repeatedly is HEAL. Our world needs healing, I need healing, and everyone I know needs to heal something. Unfortunately, I think a lot of us are resistant to healing because accepting that we need to heal means accepting that there is something sick or broken about ourselves. We put up barriers and obstacles to accepting healing and we stay broken.

Letting down our guard is difficult, especially in this climate of ugliness and hate, and it can feel like since the whole world needs healing we need to “stay strong” and keep up our barriers to avoid getting hurt more. However, I’ve decided that I am going to embrace my brokenness and open myself to healing this year.

Each letter also sparked thoughts of additional healing words so I created Word Art with those words embedded. For my tarot draw, I pulled a card for each letter of the word HEAL and one last card to sum it all up. For this reading, I’ll be using the Light Seer’s Tarot.

H=How can I find HOPE?
The Six of Pentacles tells me that I find hope when I open myself up to the generosity of the universe and when I know that love is flowing all around me. I find hope when I realize that I will always have enough and when I open my heart and my pocketbook to give, knowing that I have enough for me and enough to share. This is a powerful message because in times of worry and despair, we often hold close to what we have because we are afraid that there won’t be enough or that we won’t have more. I had a moment when my heart was broken open on Thursday night on my way to the San Francisco Airport. I’d stopped at a Walgreen’s to get a couple of things for my trip and there was a homeless lady sitting outside of the Walgreen’s and she asked if I could help her out. I gave my typical response that I had no cash because that makes my life easier. However, while I was inside the store, something spoke to me and I purchased some food for her and gave her that and 10 dollars as it was all the cash I had. Her whole face lit up as she blessed me and gave me a box of cookies. It was a powerful lesson in both giving and receiving.

E=How can I embrace all of life including happiness, grief, joy, and loss?
The Moon tells me to surrender to my intuition and let the feelings wash over me. The more I struggle and try to fight the feelings or try to rationalize them, the more I will feel anguish. I need to surrender and accept that my intuition knows exactly what I need to do. When I surrender and when I struggle, I only cause myself more pain and fear. I need to let all of the emotions wash over me without holding on too tightly or without putting up my shields. When I fight them, I live a life of worry and sadness as it feels I am constantly holding something at bay. However, when I surrender, my life is calmer and I no longer live a life of fear.

A=How can I accept myself and others as they are?
The Seven of Swords is an interesting card to draw here as it is traditionally about deception and betrayal. However, the card is also about being aware of self deception and about being mindful of the stories that we tell about ourselves and others. Like a lot of us, I have a voice in my head that continually streams a message of bad stuff about my worth, my value, and my abilities. This card is a reminder to not listen to the self-deception and to rise about if and to be honest about who I am. It is a reminder to come from a place of truth and to remind myself that I do have value. it is also a reminder to not always assume that others are out to get me. Instead of always assuming people have the worst intentions, I need to use my intuition to determine there true intentions.

L=How can I love myself and others?
The Three of Wands tells me to be open to the opportunities that are out there and to watch for and be open to opportunities. What I take away from this card is to be open to opportunities for love in my life and to be on the look out for them. What I love about this card is that there are so many interesting elements in it and it is definitely not a one dimensional read. The fact that she has gray hair tells me that she has wisdom and patience and she is not going to jump on the first opportunity that presents itself. She is going to pay attention and to read the situation in order to make an informed choice. She also understands that there are multiple opportunities available and she can choose to wait for the one that is right for her.

HEAL=How do I heal myself?

The four of cups is showing up as a reminder that instead of focusing on what I don’t have or on all the BS going on in my life, I need to be present and to be here in the moment. There are gifts to be had and the universe is continually presenting me with wonder and joy, but sometimes I am focuses on my sense of lack. This is an interesting card for me because it is reiterating the message that I’ve been receiving for the last few months and that is about the need to be present and to be in the here and now. I spend so much time bemoaning the things I don’t have, that I miss what is right in front of my face. I’m choosing not to live in a place of gratitude and gratitude is what will help me heal.

All in all, this was a pretty dead on reading as it is a reminder to be open to the wonder and beauty that is all around me and to be grateful.

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Tarot Blog Hop: Master List

Here is the master list.

Tarot Blog Hop: Honoring Our Beloved Dead

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Welcome to the Tarot Blog Hop honoring our beloved dead. I chose to honor Freda Kahlo as she is an inspiration to me. I’m our wrangler this month and my guidance was to create a physical or virtual altar to someone we love or who has inspired us and to pull cards asking for advice.

Dearest Frida,

Thank you for being fierce and reminding us to take action instead of to whine. Thank you for giving me an example of how to live life boldly. Thank you for showing me that a woman could be fierce, bold, and feminine.

Blessings Raine

Chosen Card for Frida

The card I chose to represent Frida in her altar is not actually a card, but one of her paintings where she reminded me of the queen of cups.

How do you feel about where the world is right now?
The nine of coins tells me that the world is a very lonely place right there as there is so much abundance for some that they can stand apart and not have a sense of community. This makes sense as Frida was a communist and she would clearly see the separation between the haves and the have nots. The other messages from this card are to be cherish what I do have and to have a sense of gratitude. I should also do what I can to help those who have less than I do. I may never be able to balance things out, but that should not stop me from doing what I can.

What can I learn from you?
The Page of Cups tells me to approach life from a place o love and to be fierce in my love. I need to let go of slights and hurts and to let love flow. This is an important message for me as it is a reminder that life can be hard, but it becomes much harder when I hold on to aches, pains,and slights.

What advice can you give me?
The Ace of Coins tells me to treasure what I have and to live a life of gratitude. Do not worry or let thoughts of lack bring me fear. I will be taken care of. Another good message as I often get all caught up in what I don’t have and forget to treasure what I do have.

All in all this was a good read, if somewhat short.

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What is being sacrificed

Note: Yesterday, today, and the next three days will include musing on both the Tarot de St. Croix and the Dark Goddess Tarot because I’m pondering the questions asked by the Goddess of the Month, Tiamet. I was not happy with the cards I pulled and I’m working to sort things through.

Dark Goddess Question: What is being sacrificed?

Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Union, happiness

Dark Goddess First Impressions: Oh no, how can I be sacrificing love

Book: Linked in a union of love, two hearts complimenting one another

Dark Goddess Book: Faithless love, sacrificing yourself, eternal desire

Guidance: Celebrate love

Dark Goddess Tarot

Dark Goddess Guidance: Allow yourself to yearn deeply, be honest with yourself about what you love, open your heart, release expectation

Journaling

My initial reading of this was that I was being asked to sacrifice my desire for love which sent me into a very dark place as it made me feel that the gods were telling me that I was not worthy of love. However, I also know that this is a very touchy subject for me and that I had to sit with the card for a bit and figure out what it was trying to to tell me. As I’ve reflected and meditated on this card over the last few days, I’m realizing that what I’m being asked to sacrifice is not my desire for love, but the walls that I’ve put up to keep me from opening my heart to love. I look around my office / meditation room which has goddess art on the walls and is where I am most at home and I realize when I look at the book piled around that I’ve barricaded myself and put up so many barriers to protect my heart that there is no way in the current circumstances I can truly be open to love. And it isn’t just the physical barriers either, I’ve also got a crazy job that keeps me way too busy and I’m in school so there is no time for love.

Lorelei asks me to be honest with myself about I yearn for and what I want in my life and I’m realizing that I need to define what I want in order to define it. I spent the first 50 years of my life believing that I was nothing if I was not in a relationship and I’ve spent the last three years realizing that I am pretty amazing by myself and that I do not need someone else to validate my right to exist. However, with the realization that I’m okay just the way I am has come a fear of losing that self love by entering into a relationship. My marriage was disastrous and in some ways I lost my soul and I am terrified of that happening again. I do not think I could survive.

Interestingly enough, a few days before I drew this card, I pulled the Two of Swords from Tarot de St. Croix and the message there was all about putting down my swords and opening my heart. Those are difficult messages for me as I’m really afraid of being hurt and the only surefire way that I know to protect myself is to keep my shields up. However, that keeps me trapped in the eight of swords prison and that’s not where I want to be.

Gratiudes

I’m grateful for getting my paper done

I’m grateful for having a low key day

I’m grateful for getting a small walk in

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather

I’m grateful for the good weekend with Cam

Tarot Blog Hop: What is my Harvest and How Do I Find It?

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For this Tarot Blog Hop, our fearless Wrangler Maureen Aisling Duffy-Boose asked us to contemplate the question of What Is My Harvest and How Do I Find It? She said, “The Autumn Equinox, also known as Mabon, is the focus of collecting one’s personal harvest, including what you have learned, what you have decided is important and what you have decided to get rid of, your plans for making productive use of the autumn and winter months, including thoughts of the holidays that fall within this time, and your own personal viewing and self-exploration of your own inner Being. How have you changed, what are you beginning, and what have you completed, and most significantly, how have you begun to further and more deeply understand your Self?” I chose to use the Herbcrafter’s Tarot by Latisha Guthrie and Joanna Powell Colbert to answer these questions for body, mind, and spirit:

What do I need to know about the current condition of my (Body, Mind, Spirit) that I am not aware of right now? (Current Condition)
What is the most important thing on which I need to focus in the realm of my (Body, Mind, Spirit) as I move into the winter months? (Most Important)
What is the main content and context of the harvest of better health, new ideas, or deeper spiritual resonance, allied with Body, Mind, or Spirit, that I am going to receive if I focus on these things? (Harvest to Receive)

Body

Current Condition
Horsetail (Ten of Earth) tells me that I am safe and secure and that I need to connect with all that I have been given. The message I’m receiving as I’m sitting here in my beautiful house is that there is beauty all around me and that I have been given many blessings. Horsetail also tells me that my body is stronger than I think, but that I need to look to my ancestors for lessons and learn from them. This is an interesting lesson as what immediately springs to mind is that I need to let go of my sugar cravings and really start to listen to my body. My mother’s family used sugar to number their emotions and their feelings and I need to let go of the sugar so I can really get in touch with who I am and what my body really needs.

Most Important
Alfalfa (Ten of Air) tells me that I need to let go of old body images and things that no longer serve me. I also need to take time to rest and rejuvenate. One of the hardest lessons of Alfalfa is to let go of what no longer serves me. Alfalfa is reminding me that body is not just my physical body, but it is also about my environment and I need to take a critical look at my house and environment and determine what I really need and what can be let go of. Too much clutter leads to being overwhelmed and staying in a state of chaos. By letting go of things, I can free up room in my life for what really matters.

Harvest to Receive
Thyme (Madre/Queen of Fire)–Letting go of that which no longer serves me will help meto be present in my body and to live a more physical life. This means opening myself up to the wonders of the herbs, the wonders of my body, and the wonders of the physical realm. Life really does occur on all three realms and if I can bring myself back to your body, by shedding that which no longer serves my, my life will become rich and full. Best of all I will learn to embrace and love my own body. This was an interesting message as it mirrored the message above which tells me that when I am able to shed the things that no longer serve me, my life will become richer and fuller.

Mind

Current Conditions
Plantain (Ace of Water)–Plantain is telling me that my heart is pulling me in the direction of my soul and that I desperately want to listen to my heart, but that my mind is overruling my heart. Plantain is also telling me that fear is not a valid reason for not listening to the message of my heart. I’m buying into the fact that the fear feels real even though it isn’t. I’m being asked to step back and feel my feelings without acting upon them. Anytime I think about leaving a corporate job, I’m hearing my parents telling me that I need security so I redicate myself to a job that I’m good at, but that is sucking up my soul. I need to step back and accept that the fear is not real and be thankful for all of the skills I have learned in my corporate job.

Most Important
Mullein (Air of Fire)–This is another call urging me to take action and move to a life of soul and purpose. I’m being asked to seek inspiration and find courage. This is also another card that is asking me to seek guidance from my ancestors and initially that seems strange to me, but my guides are whispering that I need to look beyond my physical ancestors to the ancestors of my heart and soul and to find the wild women who inspire me. To call upon Boudicaa, to call about Frida Kahlo, and to call upon other wild women who lived their lives out loud.

Harvest to Receive
Yucca (Adelito of Earth)–This is yet another card of honoring the ancestors and this card is asking me to be creative and unique in how I honor the ancestors. What I love about this particular card is that it is showing a young woman crafting a Bridget’s Cross with a Yucca plant which is drawing a connection between traditions. I have always been a bridge between something or another and this card is calling upon me to bridge traditions and apply old knowledge in new ways. One of the ways that I’m being asked to do this is to apply what I know about the world of spirit to the more mundane world and help people find a new way of looking at the world.

Spirit

Current Conditions
Sweetgrass (Curandero of Earth)–This is an interesting card as it is about love and community, but I am truly a very solitary person, but the message I am getting is that I am more of the community than I know. I am part of the global community of spirit and I can choose to deepen those ties by sharing my gifts more deeply with the community.

Most Important
Echinacea (Three of Air)–Acknowledging and sitting with my sorrow is what will help me heal. The pain that I have experienced in the past will lead me to be able to help and guide others. Our pain is meant to be shared, but that doesn’t mean we leave it with others, it means that as we share it, the earth will absorb it. We tend to either want to dump all over people or to not share with people and either way is inappropriate. The message I am receiving is to learn to listen with an open heart, but not take people’s pain. I can help them ground and help them dissipate their pain, but my role is not to absorb it.

Harvest to Receive
Ocotillo (Adelito of Water)–Nurture your heart through love and beauty, but know that giving your whole heart indiscriminately can head to heartbreak. Learn to be discriminating and learn to listen with your heart and your head.

Summary

This was my very first time using the Herbcrafter’s Tarot and I was impressed by the reading it gave me especially because I have been contemplating moving from a corporate job to something more heart based. This pull gave me a lot to think about and reflect upon.

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The Hierophant

September 19, 2919

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Peace, Wisdom, Inner mirroring outer

Book: Leader who uses his status to spread a message of love, hope, compassion, and acceptance

Guidance: Search for a teacher who channels divine wisdom

Journaling

One of my favorite aspects of the Dali Lama is that he is a spiritual leader who leads without dogma and he lives his life according to his faith. He doesn’t preach that his version of faith is any better or worse than anyone else’s and he has lessons that speak to us all. When I first became a pagan, I thought I was being anti-dogmatic because I was so upset by how Christians acted. However, what I came to realize was that my anti-dogma was actually dogma because my views of Christianity were so negative that I considered anyone who practiced Christianity as stupid and unworthy of my respect. However, as time went on, I started to realize that my problem was not really with Christianity, but with the misogynistic version of my childhood. I’d been brought up believing that Catholics were bad, that Jews were bad, and that women were especially bad. Those experiences prevented me from seeing the beauty in Christ’s messages of healing and love.

It was only when I became a fully actualized grownup and spent some time actually reading the words of Christ and studying his life, that I realized he was a healer and some would say a shaman. I realized that he appreciated women and treated them as equals and that his was a message of love and not division. I’m comfortable in my own very eclectic spirituality, but learning the truth about Christianity has helped me to let go of my own dogma as I’ve realized that dogma in any way shape or form can hurt people if it is based on a doctrine of fear and othering. I’ve started to look for teachers and lessons from all faiths as I’ve realized that most faiths do have something beautiful and positive to offer.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the good call to review recruiting and onboarding

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather

I’m grateful for the creativity Cam and I are expressing

I’m grateful for cuddling with Wendy

I’m grateful for yummy Pizza

I’m grateful for the awesome salad that I had

I’m grateful for being caught up on my homework

I’m grateful for Sean taking the doggos for a walk

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July 26, 2019

Deck: World Spirit tarot

First Impressions: Rules, being rigid, being uncaring

Book: Teaching about sacred growth that lay behind everyday reality, offers the best and the worst of past teachings, up to me to decide which to pass on

Guidance: Comprehend your relationship with the sacred at a profound level

Journaling

I chose this card today because I’m feeling beaten up and abused and totally disrespected. I ended up with a new boss today and she is the completely wrong boss for where I am in building my practice. She is learning her new role, has no exposure to what I’ve been doing, and now I’ve been asked to give her time to get up to speed. That is fucking bullshit, why do I have to put what I’m doing on hold because of an org structure change. I have busted my ass for two years to get here and I’m finally on the verge of actually achieving something and I’m told to wait. It’s like I’m being asked to give more than I have to give.

After I heard the news, I asked for my reporting structure to be changed and outlined my reasons. I was pretty much told no way in hell, it doesn’t matter if you now fail, just wait. That is such a horrible answer. My reasons weren’t listened to and I felt totally disrespected. The thing is that my VP is usually pretty awesome so this response just seems like he made a knee jerk response that I was challenging his authority. My mentor has told me it will all work out and to be patient, but my gut reaction says it won’t and that I’ll have to start all over. I feel like I get told everyone else matters more than me and that I will never get ahead. It is not a good feeling when I work my tail off and always have for everything I’ve gotten.

However, this card is telling me that there is growth to be had out of this experience. I hate that message because I’m tired of having everything be a growth experience. Why can’t I just have a good life? Why does everything have to be a growth experience. I’m also being told to trust. I don’t do trust. Trust is the most difficult thing in the universe for me because people I have trusted to do right by me have totally f*ed me over from my mother, to my ex husband, etc. They deliberately hurt me and they should have had my back. So now I’m asked to put my financial security in someone else’s hands and trust. The thing is that the people I’m being asked to trust have always done right by me and have always had my back, but this is a whole other level. I’m being asked to trust that this will turn out.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for John’s support

I’m grateful for Ted’s support

I’m grateful for chilling out outside with the dog’s

I’m grateful for the yummy salad

I’m grateful for air conditioning

I’m grateful for the quiet house

I’m grateful for a decent night’s sleep

I’m grateful no one broke into the house

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November 11, 2016

Deck: Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Social order, traditional structures, teachers

Book: Leader and teacher, symbol of human kindnesses greatest achievement, respect the achievement

Guidance: Respect the achievements of generations past, use that knowledge to curate with beauty and wisdom, make sure beliefs make sense to your own heart

Journaling

Interesting meaning of the heirophant in holistic tarot. It is all about the keeper of secrets and concealment. It was an odd day today as I pocket dialed X multiple times today. this lawsuit has me really rattled and he always makes me feel safe. I feel as if nothing can go wrong as long as he’s got my back. Today was hard as i started to feel like i care for him more than he cares for me. That’s not a space I like to be in.

July 6, 2019

I obviously wrote the above when I was in a very bad space. Three years ago I already knew that I cared for him way more than he cared for me, but the lawsuit made me feel scared and lonely so I was clinging to an illusion. I know why this card made me think of him though and that is because the hierophant was always the card that came up for him when Scott and I read. When I look at this in retrospect, I believe it is because he represents the patriarchy and the belief that there is an order to the world and that men are at the top of that order.

That is the belief that I had for so long as I thought that because I was a woman I could never be strong or confident. However, I’ve realized that that is not true and that I can be strong, confident, and amazing. I am just as good as a man. I work just as hard and I am just as smart. I’m also starting to see women who are leaders and who are doing an amazing job at it. The stereotype that I grew up with was that women stayed at home and they just had little jobs to keep them busy if they got bored, but they certainly could never be a real leader. However, that is bulls*t. I’m sure that my daddy believed that because the bible says that women should not lead men, but that’s just a fallacy.

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October 30, 2016

Deck: Faerie Tarot

Card: Hierophant, pulled reversed

First Impressions: Going my own way, living on my terms

Book: Rebelling, eccentricity, originality of ideas, taking the unconventional path through life

Guidance: Follow your own path, don’t go along with the crowd

Journaling

I could read the significance of this card in several ways. I’m choosing to view it as being about my need to be my own person and not follow all the arbitrary rules of life. Another potential reading is about walking away from X as he is a very traditional person and for a while I kept getting this card when asking about him.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing that a lot of the guidance I got at this time in my life was so meaningful as it came right before my 50th birthday and the cards were really encouraging me to be my own person and to live my own life. This is another card that is all about being your own person and not following the same path that everyone else has followed. This has always been hard for me, because I like to be liked and sometimes I will live according to other people’s rules until I can’t take it any longer and lash out. That always surprises everyone because they assumed that I was fine with the way things are going.

One of my goals for this year is to live a more authentic life and to be more true to myself and stop living according t everyone else’s rules.

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April 25, 2016

Deck: Herbal Tarot

Card: The High Priest

First Impressions: Rules, order, structure

Book: Inner teacher, teaching and guiding in a stable and real manner, practical, following inner inclinations

Guidance: Jump to the realm of inner guidance

Affirmation: I open my heart to channel the wisdom within

Journaling:

This was the perfect card to pull today as I’ve felt myself pulled hither and yon between people on this. I need to use the methodology as a guide and do what I consider the right thing.

April 28 Revisit

I tend to view the HP as about order, structure, and the establishment, but this card is telling me to embrace my own inner wisdom and trust my own instincts. I will do great at this and other things will come up. It will work out and I will succeed. it’s also telling me to listen to my gut about people as well. I need to do what feels right and church doesn’t feel right. I think the truth of the matter is that I don’t want close friends who are all up in my business. I want people to hang out with and be social with. I’ve been hurt too often by so called friends.

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April 26, 2016

Teacher
Gaian Tarot

Journaling:

This card is reminding me to be open to all wisdom from all sources and to be in touch with the divine spark within me. It also is a reminder that having both roots and wings can help us to succeed. This card is about being able to traverse all worlds as the tree of life allows us to access the upper world, the middle world, and the lower world.

This card is about recognizing that being a teacher is not just about passing down wisdom, it is also about being willing to receive it and being able to open our ears and our hearts and listen to the messages we are receiving.

The book indicates that this is a sign that a teacher may appear or that I may be ready to be a teacher to others. One of my questions is why does it have to be an either or? Can’t I be a student and a teacher at the same time?

Crazy Saint–Trust in our knowledge. Be secure in ourselves and let go of what other people think of us. The book also asks whether or not I know the names of plants in my area, which may mean I am being guided to be rooted and grounded in my home.

December 25, 2017

This card is speaking to me today as I’m exploring both teaching and learning. I know that I have wisdom to offer others, but I’m struggling with whether or not I want the responsibility of guiding others. I think I need to come to a new understanding of what teaching is and maybe it is about guiding not so much teaching. For me, teaching comes with the responsibility to grade and to judge. However, being a guide means I provide input, but not grades.

I also love the guidance about learning the plants where I live. I’m working to be more connected to my home and to truly learn to appreciate the flora and fauna that surround me.

Deliberate Draw: Ace of Pentacles

First Impressions: Harvest, Sun, of the earth

Book: Expression of abundance

Guidance: Begin a new project with confidence knowing that it will grow to its fullest potential and flourish

Journaling

I’ve been getting a lot of messages about new projects lately and about starting new endeavors, but I don’t know what those new endeavors are. I know that there is a part of me that is being called to work more intimately with individuals instead of with organizations, to truly minister to the needs of people instead of just helping big corporations make money. However, I don’t know what that looks like, if it take the form of teaching, the form of online teaching, the form of working at a university, I just don’t know exactly what it looks like.

What I do know is that there is change in the air and that I’m going to be called on to serve in a different and more unique way. I don’t know exactly what that is yet, but I do know that it is coming as I feel an excitement in the air as my life will more closely align with my heart’s purpose. It may be just learning to look at what I already do differently or it may mean a change of pace. All I know from my work and my personal experience is that I need to open my heart to the change and be open to whatever comes my way.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the safe drive

I’m grateful for the funny conversation with Cam

I’m grateful that my meetings went well

I’m grateful for the candy

I’m grateful for Jamie’s smiles

I’m grateful I got to sleep late

I’m grateful I got some work done on my workshop reflection paper

I’m grateful I got some work done on my taroting

Deliberate Draw: The Star

First Impressions: The beauty of the night sky, being covered by mama’s love

Book: Hope for your dreams to manifest, time of renewal and inspiration

Guidance: Relax, be at peace, and all will be well

Journaling

There is something magical about sitting outside around a bonfire with the stars high above. It is as if the stars above are reflected in the bonfire. Bonfires also invite shared intimacies and the sharing of secrets. It was a wonderful day as we woke up late, went to the store to get a few groceries, spent some time lazing around, then went hiking. The hike was funny because neither dog was terribly thrilled with the idea of walking in nature. Both of them gingerly picked their way over the trail and periodically stopped to cry and whine. Wendy especially whined when Clark and Cam got too far ahead of us. She is such a loving little soul as she truly loves her people and wants to make sure they are close.

I love the darkness and the feeling of infinity that the night sky brings. It is as if all my hopes and dreams can come true and as if there is nothing that can stop me from achieving my dreams. In the darkness, there is mystery and magic and all the obstacles of the day are shrouded. I know that the night can also cover up evil and hide wrong doing, but for me there is magic and possibility in the night time that doesn’t always exist in the light. Nighttime and bonfires are especially magical when there is just a little bit of a chill in the air and the magic of fall is starting to creep up on you.

When I sit around a campfire at night, I’m taken back to my lives before this one, when I was a shaman and the night and the bonfire were the distraction. We talked, we laughed, and we shared. We needed to be around the fire in order to be safe as many believed that the night held scary mysteries and not comforting warmth. As I sat by the fire with Cam, I felt myself slip away to that far away lifetime when I was part of a community and not part of the world. I think that we have lost something as the world has gotten smaller and we live in a global community instead of a community that clusters around a campfire to keep the monsters of the night away.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the walk in the woods

I’m grateful for sleeping late

I’m grateful for working on the fenced in porch

I’m grateful for snuggling with both dogs

I’m grateful for watching Wendy run in the water

I’m grateful for the deep sleep I got

I’m grateful for Wendy’s funny little noises

Ten of Cups

August 21, 2019

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: Happiness, raising a toast

Book: Celebrating

Guidance: Emotional contentment, a card of appreciation and gratitude

Journaling

I chose this card because it was so nice to have dinner with Scott and to just hang out and talk about all that is going on in life. It’s nice to have people in my life who understand me and who get why I behave the way I do. We talked a lot about why I’m upset and he asked me a very deep question when he asked me why I thought there was going to be a bad outcome. I said that the Brock Turner case was on my mind and that I was upset because I was being asked to trust 12 people to make a decision. However, he reminded me that there was a possibility that it could go well.

At the end of the day, a lot of what I’m feeling is powerlessness and it’s not something that I’m comfortable with. I don’t like to not be in control and there are a lot of areas in my life where I am in control and where I get to drive what happens. However, there are also situations where I have to trust others and those situations make me very uncomfortable. When I’m put in a position of being asked to trust someone, I get upset and I get defensive, angry, afraid, etc. I start lashing out at even the people who want to help me because I am afraid. However, when I finally start hurting enough or when I have a moment of clarity, I remember that I don’t have to trust everyone. I have to trust my guides. I have to turn it over to them and trust them to do the right thing. Once I do that it is as if all the anger is out of me and I’ve deflated. Then I can be filled back up with good things.

What’s interesting about this is that Scott pulled the seven of pentacles in the Vision Quest which is a card of depletion and not a card of waiting or harvest. Interestingly, I didn’t think of it at the time but depletion is what I feel when I let all that anger and stress go. I feel as if all the negativity has escaped out of me and I feel like I am depleted, but in a good way. He also pulled the Shaman card and that is a card of power.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the good conversation with Darshan and his decision

I’m grateful for dinner with Scott

I’m grateful for leaving work on time

I’m grateful for staying at a different hotel than the team

I’m grateful for yummy Spanglish

I’m grateful for the beautiful weather

I’m grateful for fresh fruit

I’m grateful to have money in the bank

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June 22, 2019

Deck: World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Happiness, Joy as a family, sticking together

Book: Deep satisfaction that comes from finding your path in life, fulfillment, joys of familial love, simple pleasures of domestic life

Guidance: Take a moment to appreciate your life, your home, and your loved ones, open your heart, dance with the universe, and feel the love that pours forth for you

Journaling

Today was a happy family day. We hung out together in the morning, then went and had dinner with Sean for Cam’s birthday. We just had Jimmy John’s but being together was nice. We also spent a lot of time playing with the doggos today and just hanging out with them. There was nothing big or bold that happened today, but it was a nice comfortable day. I’m learning that sometimes the best days or the days when we just enjoy each other’s company and are there for each other. Cam had a meltdown today because she is having flashbacks and working through stuff, but because I was in a good head space, I was able to listen and be there for her. Just being there for someone else is such a powerful thing and to know that there are people there for me is very powerful. I might get really irritated with the kids sometimes, but I love them and I’m happy I’m able to provide for them.

After Seano got home from work, we had cake (again) and opened Cam’s presents. She was so happy with what we got her and so grateful. I’m glad I can give my kids things that they want for presents and that they appreciate it. It isn’t about having the money to buy expensive things, but it is taking the time to get the things that people want. I think that’s key for me is truly having people listen and take the time to get things that matter. John never really listened to what people wanted and chose gifts that he thought people wanted. He also always had intense drama and every occasion ended up being around him.

It is just nice to have a calm and peaceful life. We don’t always get along, but we are able to work through our issues instead of resorting to anger and hate. That’s a nice place to be in.

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April 16, 2018

Deck: RWS

First Impressions: Emotional stability, peace, family harmony

Book: Happy, family, contentment, lasting happiness, perfect love, card of the heart’s desire

Guidance: You have gained great joy from life

Journaling

I’m not sure what this card means for me as I’m not satisfied with my life and it feels empty and lonely. I mostly like my job, but am annoyed about certain people’s attitudes. Joe pissed me off today. Why should we do training material when they are going with someone else for OCM. That is ludicrous. If they want all our materials, they can damn well pay for it. There are days I get so frustrated at work and I feel as if I’m swimming upstream. And I have to admit that there are days I wonder if it is even worth it.

Maybe this card is a reminder to keep the faith that I can have what I want. I just need to trust. Trust is so hard for me. I always assume that people have the worst intentions. Maybe I need to start trusting that people do have my best interests at heart.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to open my heart and trust. Please help me to believe that people have good intentions instead of always assuming the worst.

Blessings, Raine

December 29, 2018 Review

Wow! I completely missed what this card was trying to tell me. It was telling me that I have an amazing family and that I am truly loved and that instead of focusing on what is wrong with my life, I should focus on the positives. I have been doing a lot better at doing that lately and I know that it is because I write down my gratitudes every day, I do a weekly recap, and I pull a card every day. I also know that a lot of it is due to the fact that I have been reading a lot of spiritual literature. I’ve been working to focus on the positives in life and in the world instead of getting weighed down by the negativity.

However, even though I am seeing the positive changes, I also know that I still obsess and I still spend a lot of time focused on the negative and on what is wrong with life. I need to let go of the negative and start really focusing on what’s right in life. I need to let go of my anger and angst over John. What he does or does not do is really none of my business. I need to let go and let him succeed or fail on his own. I also have to trust that I have provided Sean with as much guidance as I possible can and that he will ask for help and guidance if he needs it. It is hard to let go, but that’s really what I need to do in order to be happy in my own life.

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April 20, 2017

Deck: Herbal Tarot

First Impressions: Family, enjoyment

Book: Celebrate life’s rewards, unconditional joy, being grateful for the good stuff, loving unconditionally

Guidance: Do not lose yourself in the celebration, maintain inner equilibrium, learn new lessons through joy and bliss

Affirmation; I am grateful

Journaling

I love the ten of cups as it celebrates coming to fruition and having all the good stuff that life has to offer. The last few years have truly helped me to realize what love is and to open myself up to unconditional love.

April 22, 2017 Revisit

Love unconditionally. Accept imbalance. Accept being weak. Let people take care of you. Be vulnerable.

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December 2, 2016

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot

Deck: Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family. Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book: Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance: Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I’ve done. For the most part I am happy and content with my life. I do want someone to love, but I’ve been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc. The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean. Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad. I know I can’t say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it. I’m not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn’t matter.

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May 13, 2016

Deck: Gaian Tarot

Card Name: Ten of Water, pulled reversed

First Impressions: Overshelmed by the world. Feeling as if I am constantly battling and life is incredibly difficult. Feeling overwhelmed. Death versus life seems front and center.

Book: Overwhelmed by emotion an feeling like a martyer.

Journaling

I am feeling like a martyer as I feel likie I give and give and give and get nothing in return. It seems as if the kids just take, take, take, and I don’t know how to stop it. I need to find a way to set clear boundaries for them. I also know that I want life to be settled now and that isn’t realistic. I need to let life take its course. In the scope of things, I haven’t been moved all that long and I just need to trust the universe.

January 8, 2022 Revisit

When I am realistic about when I wrote this, I realize that it was written about six months after we had moved and the kids still weren’t settled yet. When we moved, I had a job that I kept but the kids had to settle in, find jobs, etc. It wasn’t really realistic to expect them to be settled and in a place where they could contribute. Things are much better now and although I still feel like I do a lot of heavy lifting, that’s changing.