Category: Uncategorized

October 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  

Book:  Find your power through creating ritual and sacred space.

Guidance:   Own Your Life

Journaling:

Ritual is an interesting thing for me because I crave the magick of ritual and ceremony, but I feel like I don’t have a safe space to do ritual in.  I love my children very much, but it feels like I don’t have space to my self and when I do, it takes me a while to start to feel safe and then they are home again.  I don’t even feel safe in my room because the last time I was having a good cry, Cam busted in to tell me something that wasn’t urgent.  She just figured she heard the music so I was available.  The kids are good about respecting work time, but they are not so good at respecting personal time.

I miss lighting candles and doing ritual, but I don’t know how to feel safe again.  I also know that is why my bedroom is a disaster is because there is a subconcious feeling that the clutter keeps me safe.  I know that is dumb, but that’s how I feel.  Every time I create an inviting space, it gets cluttered up by other people.

Wow!  There is a lot to unpack here and I think I need to pull some cards and really dig into this.

Where I’m At:  I am at home today.  I worked hard all day and now I’m hanging out with the doggos.  Clam and I also went for a nice walk at Oakwood.

Weather:  It is positively beautiful out.  It was a little cool, but when we walked the dogs it was so nice out.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 17%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:43/6:37

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August 6, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

Card Name:  Four of Batons

First Impressions:  This card doesn’t look like any four of wands card I’ve seen as it is kind of strange.  It reminds me more of the four of pentacles than the four of wands.

Book:  Pleasure in the completion of a matter, work project perfected, closure and harvest, a job well done

Guidance:   Take pleasure in your accomplishments

Journaling:

This is an interesting read on this card and one that I’m not familiar with.  I’m much more familiar with the celebration aspect of the four of wands.  However, there is a celebration in completing a job and it is okay to take pleasure in accomplishments.  What I’m realizing is that all to often, we rush on to the next thing before acknowledging our awesomeness.  I think taking pleasure in our accomplishments is one way that we can stop and smell the roses.  We can say that I did this and it was good.

I’m feeling like a circle is being closed at work and while I’m not thrilled with how it is ending, I did my very best and it is not my fault that people lied.  The Cleveland plant lied and Icorp lied.  I am not responsible for those things and I am not taking ownership of them.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home right now.  I had to take Ms. Wendy to the vet this morning to check her ears and she acted uncharacteristically cranky.  She doesn’t like the boy vet and while she didn’t snap at him or anything, she wanted nothing to do with him.  After I took her to the vet, I went to the farmer’s market and got some amazing looking peppers for chili.

Weather:  It is fucking gross outside.  It feels like 90 and there is 60% humidity.  When you walk outside, it feels as if you are sucking water.

Moon Phase:  Waxing gibbous 62%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:24 / 8:29

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  June 22, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Dark goddess

First Impressions:  The hand reaching up is super weird.  I love the bower of flowers and the pillars of light though

Book:  Ceremony, harmony, joy, grounding

Guidance:   Appreciate the hard work you’ve done and the joy that surrounds me

Journaling:

I’m actually feeling happy today.  I had a good day at work and felt like I made progress.  I was also happy that Tiffany called to check on me as she wondered if I was having a bad day.  And I was, but I was also tired of Mary’s queen of the world routine and that she gets to decide how implementations are going to go.  It is total BS and I’m just tired of it.  She does not get to decide how implementations go or how we manage meetings.  

I got over that though and I said my piece, escalated it, and moved on.  I’ve actually had a good day and I’m realizing that choosing joy and choosing to stay in my lane and manage what I can manage makes me a much happier person.  I’ve also been diligently working to keep the house tidier and that is helping a lot too.  I think sometimes we get caught up in the big rituals of life and don’t think about the little ones like cleaning house, ringing the wind chimes in the morning.  And being grateful.

Where I’m At:  It was a really long and stressful day.  I’m frustrated about Intelex.  I see the need to proceed cautiously, but I honestly think we have enough information to change the scope or walk away.  However, I understand that that is a big step.

Weather:  It was really nice this morning, but it got sickningly hot this afternoon.  I sat out with the dogs for a while this afternoon, but it was even too hot for Wendy to want to stay out long.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 36%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:51 / 9:05

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May 17, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Stability and frivolity.  The castle gives a sense of stability and a sense that things are going to be okay and the wands and the fairies give a sense of frivolity.  For me this is about being able to have both.

Book:  Celebration, Joy, gathering

Guidance: New life grows in the garden of inception

Journaling:

As I reflect on this card, I think about the words that called to me which were stability and frivolity.  One of the things I’ve learned in life is that it is way easier to have frivolity if you have stability.  I’ve been reading so many heartbreaking stories lately about people who are working and doing the  best they can and still have nothing.  The saddest was a posting from a teacher who was $1,000 overdrawn and now had no money for food for the month.  The problem is that once you get overdrawn by that much it is hard to get back on your feet.  We should pay teachers a living wage and we don’t.  The system is really set up to keep people poor.  I don’t know how to get out of the poverty loop.  The only way I did it was working my ass off and job hopping, but I know that not everyone has the skills to be able to do that.

I gotta be super honest and say that there are days I just want to check out and not deal with all the bullshit anymore.

Where: I’m at home today and it was actually a good day as I was able to get a lot done.  Yesterday was hard as it felt like I didn’t make any progress.

Weather:  It was cool, but it really felt amazing to have the window open and the cold air coming in

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 97%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:03 pm / 8:41 pm

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March 25, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Joyous celebration, abandon

Book:  Celebration, prosperity, important event, stability

Guidance:   Relax, release, and allow your body to process it all

Journaling:

I love the meaning of this to relax and release.  I really need to start meditating more and focus on letting go.  I know from when I was married that I hold a lot of garbage in my body.  My shoulders hold it, my legs hold it, and my back holds it.  Meditation is one of the best ways to let go of it and get my body relaxed.

Where: I’m sitting on the couch and Wendy

Weather: It snowed early this morning, which is a reminder that you can never really be sure about spring in the Midwest until at least April (I’m actually writing this on the 26th)

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 47

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:21 am / 7:44 pm

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February 16, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Love, focused on the person you love, celebration

Book:  Reunion, Success, Happiness, Family

Guidance:  Be thankful and cherish loved ones

Journaling:

As I reflect on this card, I’m realizing that it is about celebrating love in all forms.  It isn’t about just having “the one.”  I need to open myself to love in all different formats and lean into it.  That’s super hard as I was raised around people who were not trustworthy and love was transactional.  It was all about you scratch my back and I scratch yours.  The worst was my grandmother who continually changed her will depending upon who was in favor.  That’s not a good way to live.

I’m working on discovering true love, which is unconditional and beautiful.  It is connecting from the heart.  It is the love that I have for my beautiful and silly puppo.

Where I’m At: I’m at home. I had my doctor visit this morning and got good results.  I’m also sitting on the couch chilling and working on my tarot.  

Mood: I’m in a pretty good mood.  I don’t really want to be awake and I’m not wanting to do my work today, but it’s okay

Weather:   It is super windy outside, but it is supposed to get up to 52 today.

Moon Phase:  Full

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:19 am/6:01 PM

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Celebration, Frivolity, working with others

Book:  Joyful passage from one phase to the next,

Guidance:  Delight has a vital place in creating lasting success, relax and enjoy, take price in what you’ve accomplished

Journaling

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned lately is that when I let joy into my life, my life is much happier and oddly enough it also means I get more done.  Letting fun into my life is often difficult as I make these huge to do lists and feel like I just have to do, do, do.  However, I’ve gotten a lot better at reminding myself that life is not all about work and that joy really does matter.  We had a team event tonight and I actually let myself enjoy it.  I mingled with people, I socialized, and I enjoyed myself.  I’m not always good at that, but I’m making a conscious effort to let people in.

I do believe the loving kindness meditation is helping a lot as I’m starting to remind myself daily to love myself and to be kind and compassionate to myself.  Having that reminder on a daily basis means that it is starting to work its way into my DNA.  I always used to think that being an adult meant being serious all the time and not making time to be silly and to have fun.  However, I’ve learned that being an adult isn’t about being serious all the time.  I can meet my obligations and do what I need to do without being serious all the time.  I’ve also realized that being open and fun draws people to me and that helps me meet people and to have more joy in my life.

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

May 24, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Four of Fire, pulled reversed

Journaling

I drew the four of fire reversed again.  That is the second time I’ve drawn this card in the last few days.  The Gods are telling me I am depleted and I need to reconnect with myself and the deities.  I am feeling physically and emotionally run down.  I feel as if I am bogged down in molasses.  Interesting I also pulled the tortoise card and that card is all about grounding and centering.

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Deck:  Gaian Tarot

 October 19, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  

Book:  There is treasure at the bottom of the ocean of our emotions; things will evolve. If we flow with the turning of the wheel, good fortune comes back around.

Guidance:    If we flow with the turning of the wheel, good fortune comes back around. 

Journaling:

I like this reminder to let life flow and not get so caught up in every little emotion.  I’m really bad at that and the lesson I need to take away is that nothing lasts forever.  The good stuff ends, the bad stuff ends, it all ends eventually and I can’t hold on to either the good stuff or the bad stuff.  This means that I need to let go and not hold grudges.  I’m bad about that.  This is also a reminder to live in the moment and to just accept what is in this moment.  I need to learn to just be present.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today hanging out with the doggos.  I did take a a walk up to Whole Foods to get some veggies.

Weather:  It was rainy and cold out today, but it quit raining in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 33%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:41/6:40

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 October 4, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this image as it looks like the person is throwing the flowers up to see where they will land.

Book:  I am open to receiving positive experiences and I am worthy of good fortune.

Guidance:   Follow your heart and the universe will provide.

Journaling:

I love this card and the meaning of it.  For me it is about opening up and being willing to receive.  There are so many days where it feels like I deliberately choose scarcity and close myself off from receiving.  However, if I open myself up and let love in.  Love will come to me.  It may not come in the shape or form that I think it should, but it will come to me.  

One of the messages I received the other day is that there is enough good stuff even for the annoying people.  I think I was pissed off because M got a promotion.  However, then I sat back for a minute and reminded myself that her receiving good stuff doesn’t mean there is nothing good left for me.  The world does not work that way.  However, we are so conditioned to believe in scarcity that we don’t open ourselves to accept all the good stuff he world has to offer.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today.  I actually got an amazing night’s sleep.  It felt so good to sleep deeply.

Weather:  The weather was beautiful today.  It was crisp, but not cold and it was sunny all day long.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 77%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:25/7:04 

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July 5, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Chance

First Impressions:  This card is interesting as she has flames coming out of her crown and she is standing right by the sea.  Fire and the ocean are two of the most unpredictable natural events.  She also has her hand over an orb

Book:  Opportunity, shifting of perspective, gifts, abundance, growth

Guidance:   Act through love and kindness during these trials, tribulations, and times of triumph

Journaling:

The message on this card is hard because it is hard to act with love and kindness with all the awfulness in the world.  It feels like Trump unleased so much hate and he isn’t willing to put the genie back in the bottle.  The messages that the senator from IL got over his willingness to serve on the Jan 6 committee were horrendous.  How is someone a traitor for waiting to uncover the truth?  I don’t understand there being so much hate in this world.  I have always believed that love trumped hate, but there have been a lot of days lately where I don’t believe that anymore.  

What I don’t right now is if I should continue to fight and work for a better world or opt out and  move somwhere where we can just hang out and go to the grocery store occasionally.  

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today hanging with the dogs.  Clark is sniffing around looking for food on the floor and Wendy is sitting there looking hurt because I refused to let her sit on top of me.

Weather:  It wasn’t horrible out today.  I went out a couple of times and it was not so ungodly hot that I couldn’t breathe.  Unfortunately, I was busy all day so couldn’t take Wendy out to sit in the sun.  And she doesn’t like to sit outside when the sun has gone down and it is starting to get chilly.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 34%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 / 9:04

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April 26, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Turning the wheel, time passing by, the world going on

Book:  Fortune, chance, cycles of good luck, alignment, wonderment

Guidance:  All events happen at their proper time

Journaling:

I love the saying that all events happen in their proper time.  That is such a good reminder for me because I always want to rush things.  Knowing that they happen when they are supposed to is a reminder to have patience.  It is interesting when I think about people happening at the proper time helps me to realize I don’t need all the answers.

Where:  I spent the morning working on my paper, then the kids and I went to the zoo.  And I finished and submitted my paper at the end of the day.

Weather:  It is chilly out today, but not too horrible,  It was warm enough for me to walk around in just my WMU jacket.

Moon Phase:   Waning Crescent, 21%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:26 am / 8:20 pm

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March 21, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Buffeted by winds of change, balancing, staying focused in a changing world

Book:  Fate, destiny, cycling through karmic cycles, surrendering to what is and what will be

Guidance:   Know that something wonderful is on the way

Journaling:

One of the lessons that I have learned over the last few years is that I need to stay very focused and grounded in my own life and I cannot worry too much about what is going on in the world around me.  When I say, I can’t be happy because of what is going on in the Ukraine, I through myself off balance.  I can feel for the people in Ukraine, I can do my part to help, but my being sad does not help them at all.  It is the same with what is going on in the United States, I need to do my part and let go.  I cannot save the world.  I also have to let go of trying to make the world easier for everyone else.  I can help people and give guidance, but I need to let people learn to stand on their own two feet.

That is a very heard lesson for me, especially with my kids as I want to help them and do things for them.  However, at the end of the day they need to live their own lives and I can only do so much to help them.  Sometimes my offering to help is actually hurtful as it keeps them from learning from failures.

Where: I’m at home this week and taking a break from work to do some journaling and am trying to find something to eat for lunch.  We may end up ordering tonight because it is going to be a long night.

Weather:  It is one of those crisp and cool spring days where you start to feel the possibility of warmth in the air.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 88 percent

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:28 am / 7:40 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  What goes up, must come down

Book:  Fullness of complexity and life

Guidance: flow with the turning of the wheel

Journaling

As I read this, all I can think of is that this is another version of surrendering. Surrendering and trusting that life will flow as it is meant to flow.  That is such a difficult lesson sometimes as I love to control things, but the lesson I have received so many times in so many different ways over the course of the past few months is to just surrender.  All I can do is show up and do the work that is on my plate and follow the clues of my life the best that I can.  I cannot control all of the outcomes.  It’s interesting as I reflect on my life is that this is a lesson that seems to come up again and again and again.  All I can do is do the work, I cannot control what happens.  I like to control what happens and I want to do my best, but at the end of the day there are so many things that are outside of my control.

I used to buy into the belief that I had total control over my life and that if I put the right energy out there, I would get what I wanted.  However, I learned that there is a dark side to that lesson and that if that is the way that life works, then if life does not go my way, I just somehow be at fault.  That is demoralizing thinking and all it does is make people want to give up.  I believe, just as I believed way back in eighth grade when I wrote a paper on the topic, that life is a combination of destiny and free will.  We are presented with certain situations and the decisions we make drive the outcomes of those decisions.  To some that might sound like we are in control of our destiny, but we’re not because the situations that come our way are outside of our control.  All we can do is control our reactions and our decisions.  In some ways that makes makes life a lot harder because it means that I can’t wrap myself in a bubble and control every aspect of my life.  All I can do is control my actions.  I can control whether or not I get my school work done, but I can’t necessarily control which opportunities come my way as a result of school.

All I can do is do the best I can to move forward and that means accepting that sometimes I will be pushed off into the deep end, but that if I accept, surrender, and do my part, I will come back out into the light, but it might not be where I was expecting to come out.

August 3, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: 
Book:  Everything on earth moves in cycles, the only promise is change

Guidance:  Stay open to the experience even when things turn for the worse, remember that even the wheel of change has a small spot of quiet in the center
Journaling

The reminder to stay centered even when the world is spinning around is incredibly helpful as I often let myself get carried away by the change. I think this card resonates with me today because I am really feeling the change of the seasons as the flowers are wild and crazy, the vegetables are laden down with the heavy fruits of the season, and there is just a hint of chill in the air.  This beautiful blue orb we call home orbits around the sun and we orbit with it.  There are days when it is warm and beautiful and times when it is dark and cold.  This is so clearly a time of transition and I feel it so strongly this year in the world and in my personal life as it feels like life is rotating up.

However, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned from being a citizen on this beautiful planet for over 50 years is that things are always changing and that sometimes all we can control is our reaction.  I used to buy into the theory that I was solely responsible for creating my own reality, however, I’ve realized that is just not true and that there is so much that happens that I can control.  However, what I can always control is my attitude and how I respond to a situation.  I also realize that there are certain circumstances where the appropriate response is to throw oneself on the bed and cry until there are no more tears.  However, even in those situations, there will come a time when the appropriate response is to pick myself up, dust myself off, and figure out a way to go on. 

Gratitudes:

I’m grateful for Scott’s email

I’m grateful for walking at the park with Cam and the dogs

I’m grateful for the helpful guy at the Valvoline

I’m grateful for the yummy smoothie

I’m grateful for Wendy wanting to snuggle

I’m grateful my book’s were ready

I’m grateful for clean clothes

I’m grateful my air filter came

I’m grateful I got my car cleaned out

I’m grateful for the peace in the house

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November 15, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Chance

Book: Sun=Mind, we can view things as we like

Guidance: We need to remember that life is a full cycle, if we are centered, we are not at wheel’s mercy, do not neglect responsibilities

Journaling

I usually like the readings in this book, but I do not like this one.  I don’t believe it is true that for every event we can view it as a blessing or tragic.  Some events are tragic and wrong no matter what.  What happened to my daughter was tragic and wrong and there is no blessing there.  She may learn from it and blessings may occur because of it, but that does not mean the event was a blessing.  Everything is also not a choice.  Yes she placed herself in that situation, but his choices led to the situation.

November 20, 2017

I have to step back over my rage on this one and do a reset.  I know this card is about the ups and downs in life and there are times in life where life is going good and life is awesome and other times when life sucks.  The key is to remember that this too shall pass.  If things are going well, it will pass and if things are going poorly it will pass.

October 30, 2018

The wheel of fortune is still not my favorite card because I don’t like the fact that there are things that are outside of my control.  However, I know that this is true and I also do realize that the closer I stay to center, the less I will be buffeted by the turning of the wheel.

December 28, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions;  Changes, endings, and beginnings

Book:  Life is full of cycles, events being good or bad based on ow we view them, destiny, life, death and rebirth

Guidance:  Be centered and secure, recognize the effect the past has on the present

Journaling

Interesting card considering the exercise I’m planning.  I want to go through key touch points in my life and pull a card to give advice to my younger self.  I’m a little hesitant, but it’s something I feel called to do.  I want to make peace with my past so I can let it go and move on.  I feel like I have grown and changed so much and I’m ready to dig in some pieces of my past that are painful.  I think the seeds of my present are there and I need to make piece with who I was. 

Writing the letters was amazingly powerful.  All the cards were dead on.  The one I struggled with was eight of pentacles, but I finally realized that it was about focusing on work and not forming attachments.  Pretty spot on.

July 1, 2018

The exercise of pulling cards for pieces of my life is still one of the most powerful Tarot exercises I have ever done.  To actually look at and address the painful pieces of my life and speak to who I was.  Although, I cannot change the past, looking back with compassion and acknowledging my pain was incredibly powerful and was really healing.

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October 18, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions: I love this card as she reminds me of the hermit 

Book:  Balance energy by tending to your own realm as well as caring about the larger picture.

Guidance:   Take care of yourself and you will change the world

Journaling:

I love this image of the two of wands because she reminds me of the hermit and of the wheel of fortune card from DruidCraft.  And while the two of wands for me has always been about contemplating my future, I love this take on the card which essentially states “As above, so below.”  I need to take care of myself so that care can be reflected and impact the larger universe.  

This makes me think of my new job because I am being asked to collaborate more than at any other time in my career and collaboration is hard for me.  I tend to think that relying on others is a sign that I am weak.  However, what I am coming to realize is that this view of the world is a symptom of my trauma.  My trauma brain says that I can’t rely on anyone else so I must do it myself.  However, people who grew up in healthy environments don’t think that way.

Trauma has impacted my life in so many ways and I don’t even know if I have identified all the ways it has adversely impacted me.  However, all I can do is to address each way as it comes up.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today and just generally chilling and hanging out.  I worked hard today, then read about Santa Muerta.  Some of the material in my class has been super boring, but some of it is sort of interesting.

Weather:  It is cold, wet, and rainy out

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 43%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:40 / 6:42

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July 20, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess

First Impressions:  What is interesting to me about this card is that she is already past the wands and looking backward.  Normally this card has the person standing between the wands and looking forward.

Book:  Ceremony, harmony, joy, grounding

Guidance:   Be intentional now as the universe is listening and wants to help you manifest your desires

Journaling:

I love the idea that the universe is listening and wants to help me manifest my desires.  I want my PhD.  I don’t care if people think it is for vanity reasons or anything else.  I want to do the research and get the degree.  I need the universe to help me manifest that and to put the right path in front of me.  I would really like to get it from WMU as I have contacts and know people there, but I don’t know if that is possible.  I also know that I have to put up an altar, but I don’t want to do that until I have my office clean and have a flat surface to put my altar on.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today.  Our MOR was today, but I chose to stay home and not go in because I had a meeting at 5 pm.  Brian hasn’t mandated we come back to the office, but it sounds as if they are inching closer to that.

Weather:  The weather is really nice outside today.  The doggos and I sat outside while I had lunch

Moon Phase:  Last quarter, 51%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:08 / 8:56

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June 6, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Looking forward, looking to the future, taking care of others

Book:  Choice, risk, vision, options

Guidance:  Look both ways before moving forward

Journaling:

Looking both ways is important when you decide to move forward.  However, I don’t read this as looking left and right, but looking forward and backward.  It is about assessing if it is time to leave the current situation yet.  This is the position that I’m in right now.  There are a lot of reasons to leave the Bird, namely that I am miserable and I feel that this is the most toxic work environment that I have ever been in.  There is so much red tape and bureaucracy and even though the company says that it is all about the people, that isn’t true.  People are not treated well at the bird.  We are all treated as if we are little cogs in a wheel and I don’t like that feeling.  However, I also know that if I leave I am walking away from a lot of money and that is important too.  I think I need to just pray about it and turn it over again and again and again.  Eventually, the right solution will present itself

Where:  I’m in Peoria today.  I had multiple meetings today so I traveled yesterday so I could be in a hotel today for the meetings.  However, I also didn’t have a fully packed day so I took some time for myself.

Weather:  It is ungodly hot and humid out.  I went out when I had to change hotels and it was absolutely miserable out.  I don’t know how people do heat

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 39%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:27 am / 8:26 pm

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Written retrospectively on April 23

April 20, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Not knowing what to do, lost.  I love the woman in his tie.

Book:  Choice, Risk, Balance, vision

Guidance:  Look both ways before moving forward

Journaling:

This is an interesting card and I’m not sure how to read look both ways before moving forward.  One of the things that always concerns me is the desire to overanalyze and spend too much time considering all things and all aspects of a problem.  However, maybe what this means is to just take one final check to make sure I’ve made the right decision before taking the plunge.  

I’m also reading this as a card of patience and of waiting until the right time to make a move.  I know that I will be leaving N sometime, but I’m not ready to leave yet because I want to get vested in my retirement.  That means I have to be patient and I have to take my time.  I also have to figure out how to survive the next year with the evil M.  I know she is the lesson I need to learn, but I’m not positive what that less on is.

Where: I’m in Trenton, MO.  It was a really good day at work, but I was so exhausted from the late night the previous day that I was asleep by 7 pm.  I also had one of those very realistic dreams that you know is sending you a message.  We were in a little country diner and it was when I was still married to John.  He was having lunch with what I thought was a friend and I had not seen him for a while as he was staying with someone else.  I was excited and came in and sat beside him.  He elbowed me off the bench and said something about not wanting to see my fat ass.  He was incredibly cruel (like he usually is) and made a comment to the person he was with about me being a piece of shit and not worthy of his time.  I was so embarrassed.

However, then the amazing part came in.  The waitress came over and asked if I was okay.  She also took me to the owner of the place out of sight of John.  The owner told me that his behavior wasn’t okay and that she’d gotten a text from the person he was sitting with, who happened to be the sheriff, saying it wasn’t okay and that she was to find out what I needed to be safe.  As soon as that happened, John would be kicked out of town and never allowed back in.  I was floored.  I told her that I couldn’t leave the house because the mortgage was in my name, etc.  I was also afraid that even though he apparently didn’t want me, that he would still hurt me because I was just a think to him.  She helped me find a realtor and a mortgage to get out of the house.  And helped me find a safe place to stay.  

The overall message was that I was worthy of love and that his behavior was unacceptable no matter what.  In some ways, this was retraumatizing because it reminded me of his cruelty and disrespect for me all over again, but it was also empowering and told me that I was worth of love and that help was all around me, all I had to do was ask.

Weather:   It was a very rainy and cold day

Moon Phase:  Waning, Gibbous 32

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:21 am / 8:03 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Janus is holding a staff of wood representing looking backward and a staff with a crystal ball representing moving forward.  I find this interesting as there is an implication that the fancy staff is better and represents the future.  However, what I’m finding is that when we assume the fancy stuff in the future is better than the past, we may be wrong.  Progress is awesome and amazing, but there is something to be said for the simpler and more rustic past.  As I reflect on that, I know that I love my paycheck, but I wish that I could live a simpler life and not have all the bills hanging over my head.

I some ways, California is so emblematic of that as the state has grown so much that it cannot support all of its people.  I love coming here for the weather and the vibe, but I hate driving by the RVs parked on the sides of the streets and knowing that people live in them because that is all they can afford.  I also hate all the homeless encampments.  I hate them not because I think they are messy or dirty, but because each of those tents represents at least one person who cannot afford a home.  And I know that once you lose that grip on the house, falling farther down the economic ladder is almost inevitable.  I was thinking as I drove by one of those encampments last night that there are people who are flip and say that those folks should move, but that is such a statement of privilege as moving is expensive and if you can’t afford a home, how can you afford to move somewhere where it is cheaper.

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Impressions:  Visionary, Fireworks, Following the star

Book:  First step toward your desire, standing at the door contemplating my future

Guidance:  Have confidence in yourself, do not doubt the light bulb going off in your head

Journaling

I needed to see this card today and be reminded that my future is there and that I need to trust the messages I’m getting.  The message I’m getting very clearly is that my future is changing the future of healthcare and figuring out how to combine the work I currently do, OCM,with my passion for spirituality, culture, and really making a difference.  I can see the path laid out in front of me at a high level, but figuring out the tactical steps of how to get there is a little bit maddening.  I know, I know, I just need to take one step at a time.  I need to get my masters while working on my PhD proposal, then figure out how to make it work.

The problem is that slogging through the shit is horrible.  I’m struggling at work right now because the consultants on my current project are total jackasses.  They act as if they know everything and if it is their role to be project managers.  However, I have faith that it will all work out in the end.  I just need to stand back and let things play out.  I also have to remind myself that everything I am doing and learning is leading me to where I am meant to be.  And part of that learning is about how to deal with people who have no faith and don’t listen to me.  I’m sure that when I go into a medical setting, I will have people who doubt my abilities and act as if I don’t have a brain in my head.  Oh wait, that’s pretty much every doctor I’ve ever encountered.

Of course, after I write that the question I’m asking is why do I set myself up to do the hard stuff?  Why can’t my path be easy?  I guess the answer to that is that no one who changes the world has an easy path.  I’m reading about the Buddha right now (and no I’m not comparing myself to the Buddha) and his path was not easy either.  He deliberately chose to leave wealth and privilege to experience the suffering of life.  However, as i write that, I wonder if he was trying to change the world or trying to change himself and those are two different things.  Maybe enlightenment is doing the hard things and letting go of the suffering.

April 11, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Waiting, patience

Book:  Holding the world in his hands, disappointed, waiting for news, courage, embarking on new endeavors

Guidance:  Set goals or you will fall into depression, situation requires patience, be careful how you use your status

Journaling:

The two of wands to me is a card of planning and waiting.  It says I have the world in my hand and I have to decide which course of action to take.  I feel that sometimes I feel like I’m looking out at my future and not knowing which direction to take.  Maybe I’m waiting because I haven’t set my direction since I’m waiting for the world to come to me instead of setting course and going for it.  The problem is I’m not sure where to go.

December 29, 2018

Like all things, I needed to ask for help and for guidance to be directed.  I really feel like I was directed to this program at Western Michigan and that it is the next right thing for me.  I also know that there are going to be times when I am going to feel frustrated and overwhelmed, but that this is the right course and I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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December 28, 2017

Two of Fire Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Two of Fire

First Impressions:  I love this card because it is so more more engaged than the typical two of wands where the man is looking passively out at the ocean.  Hekate is truly engaged and actively looking at the path.

Book:  You don’t need a path to find your way, she releases her powers in the three realms, walking the spirit walk between the worlds, seize the moment

Guidance:  When you hear a dog, think about the path you are on; when at a crossroads, move toward what you know to be true; take the first step, and it will lead you toward what you know to be true

Journaling:

I love this reading, especially about taking the next meaningful and appropriator action and then you will be provided with the next.  This reminds me of the cairns and the lesson that they taught me.

As I reflect, I realize that the lesson is really one of trust.  Walking to the first cairn, I had to trust that the next one would be there.  I suppose it is that way with the reset of my life as well, I have to trust that the next cairn will be there.  That’s really really hard for me as I want the whole path laid out for me at once, but that’s not how the world works.

I don’t know what the next adventure that awaits me is, but all I need to know is what the next step is, so what is the net step?  Have I missed it by being stubborn?

Message from my guides

No my child, you haven’t missed it.  You are right where you need to be.  Continue putting one foot in front of the other.  Continue to meditate and feel the peace all the way down to your belly.  Trust your heart, trust in love, trust in yourself

January 8, 2018

Even though every instinct in my body says it is time to move on from my job and it is time to leap, they are telling me very clearly to stay put.  I’ve always been the one who got dissatisfied and leaped rather than stay and work through the feelings of discomfort.  They are telling me that there are lessons to be learned in trust and perseverance.  They’re telling me to sit with the discomfort instead of running from it.  I can find all sorts of ways to justify running, but they are telling me that none of them are valid.  The funny thing is that I stayed in my marriage way too long even though I knew it was time to leave but I would leave jobs at the drop of a hat.

The funny thing is that I have been better about not leaving jobs since John and I split up, but the instincts are often still there just like they are now.  I’m going to choose to trust them.

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April 23, 2017

Deck:  Herbal tarot

First Impressions:  Contemplating adventures

Book:  Genuine appreciation of status and accomplishments, Borders on conceit and aloofness, self confidence, self worth

Guidance:  Guard against complacency, ensure you maintain a spiritual perspective

Affirmation:  With self confidence and inner mastery, I move forward with my choices in life

Journaling

this is a wonderful card of new beginnings and I’m excited by what it foretells.  I know for me, I have to continue to open my heart.  I believe it will be an ongoing process for me.  It is not just necessarily one I’m looking forward to, but I recognize the work that needs to be done.  I have to continue to work on recovering.

April 28, 2018 revisit

It’s been hard to appreciate my accomplishments.  It feels as if I get almost what I want and then the door closes.  I don’t know what that means, but I’ve been very empty and lonely this week.

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December 11, 2016

Deck:  Gilded tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  What I love about this card is it is clearly about choices and choosing between two options.  I also love the deer standing in the path as it makes me think of my back yard.  Reversed this card tell me that I might be putting off decisions.

Book;  Follow your gut, do not tarry, make your move, acting on a decision, fear of poverty, boredom

Guidance:  Don’t spoil things over boredom

Journaling:

I’m feeling so lost and lonely right now.  I want a simple life with someone who loves me.  The problem is that this is not a decision I can make.  I have to be passive and that’s hard.

January 25, 2017

I’ve realized over the past year or so that I do not have to be passive in my search for love and I do not have to do the stupid online dating sites either.  My job is simply to open myself up for love by eliminating the things standing between me and love.  Those things include emotional clutter such as anger and resentment and physical clutter.  I’m working on letting go of the emotional baggage and taking steps to meet new people.  Those are very positive steps I can make.  I’m also working on forgiveness and letting go of the anger.  My anger can eat me up sometimes as I think John and my mother both screwed me up, but holding on to that anger serves no useful purpose.  I need to let go of the anger, learn the lessons, and move on.

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November 29, 2016

Gilded Tarot–Two of Wands

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Keywords/Impressions:  Decisions, Choosing between two paths

Book:  Conscious of the future, waiting to make the best choice, inspiration and courage and not logic, tension between stability and mobility

Guidance:  Follow your gut and move forward bravely

Journaling

I’m not truly sure what to make of this card.  My logic tells me to walk away from F because he will never walk away from his situation.  But my heart says to wait, but waiting is freaking lonely.  However, I’m not really thrilled about the thought of expending energy to get to know anyone else.  It’s taken me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable opening up emotionally to F. and trusting that he won’t hurt me and I don’t think I want to do the emotional work of getting to know and trust someone else.

Update 11/7/2017
Oddly enough, I’m comfortable being alone right now.  Although there are days when I’m lonely, I’m feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin and that’s a very good thing.  As I embark on this year of love, I also know that whatever is right for me will work out and I’m going forward with complete trust.

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 October 17, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This card doesn’t give the restful impression that the four of swords usually gives.  It seems a little busy and not restful.  Maybe it is because it is a little more industrial and the figure is sitting up.

Book:  Take a rest from your busy mind; practice meditation

Guidance:   Create a boundary from distracting thoughts

Journaling:

Although I am not a fan of the image, I do need the reminder to meditate and focus on letting go of distractions.  I am very bad about letting myself be distracted and being a squirrel.  I do know that when I focus on meditation and on clearing my mind of distractions, life is so much better.  One of the biggest changes I have had to make in my life lately is to not watch TV at night.  I found that if I watch TV at night, my mind is racing and it is hard for me to let go and get a good night’s sleep.  

I do need to get back into a formal meditation practice and part of that is getting my life organized so that I have time for meditation and am not racing from one thing to another.  I need to make a concious effort to let go of things that don’t matter. 

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today.  The kids are driving back from Cincinnati.  I didn’t get a great night’s sleep because I slept on the couch so poor little Clarkie did not have to sleep by himself.  Wendy was good, but she woke up in the middle of the night.

Weather:  It is chilly and windy outside.  it rained overnight so the pavement is wet.

Moon Phase:  Last quarter 52%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:39/6:43

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 September 10, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Four of Thunder

First Impressions:  I love this card with the figure relaxing on a rainbow.  That is awesome and it really speaks to relaxation and star gazing.

Book:  Rest is essential for my health.  I honor and love myself by providing time and space to simply be.

Guidance:   Do only what you need to do

Journaling:

I needed this reminder to rest and take care of myself.  I have been working myself into a frenzy over this computer, when the truth of the matter is that they told me it would be taken care of and that I just need to trust.  Everything happens in its own time and for a reason.  I just need to trust the universe and trust that everything will be okay.

One of the things I really love about this card is that she is resting on a rainbow, which for me is symbolic of trusting the universe.  The realitiy is that a rainbow is fleeting and not tangible, but this card shows her trusting the rainbow enough to lay on it.  I need to do the same.  I need to trust that it is all going to work out.  I need to trust that they will provide as they always do.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home right now, but I’ve been running all morning.  The doggos had a vet appointment ($1350!), then we had to pick up the bento beast.  And I have spent a good chunk of the day on the phone with FedEx traying t track down my new work computer.  It looks like it will actually be here today!  That has been so stressful.

Weather:  It is absolutely beautiful outside today.  The sun is shining and it is not too hot.  I have the window open and I’m just enjoying a relaxing day with the doggos.

Moon Phase:  Full moon

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:00 / 7:45

 October 16, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This is an interesting card as five of the cards are making a grid that is pointing straight at the crescent moon.  Additionally, the figure is dressed in what looks like prison garb.

Book:  Focused concentration is needed in order to complete plans.

Guidance:   Go within, pay attention and seek the truth

Journaling:

One of the things that I love about having the house to myself is the opportunity to really go within and get in touch with myself.  My kids are certainly not intrusive and I do have plenty of time alone, but there is something about being home alone and just having the energy of solitude to work on things that are important to me.  I love being in the house with the doors all locked and knowing that I am not going to be disturbed.  There is a sense of safety in having the house to myself.  I don’t exactly know how to describe it.  I think it is emotional safety as it feels easier to meditate and to let go of that sense of being on all the time.

What was interesting in Lisa’s blog post on this card is that she talked about being gullible and needing to not be so gullible.  I am the complete opposite as I put up so many borders and that makes it very difficult to actually make a connection.

Where I’m At:  I’m home alone today.  The kids went to King’s Island and I’m home with the doggos.  It’s going to give me an opportunity to clean house and to just relax.  

Weather:  It is a little cold outside, but overall it’s very nice.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 61%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:38/6:45

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September 17, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Seven of thunder

First Impressions:  My initial impression of this card is that it is boring and colorless.  There are other cards in this deck that are much more colorful.  However, sometimes plan and boring is exactly what is needed.

Book:  I am vigilant of disruptions that approach my path.  I summon clarity of mind and support myself with love and healthy boundaries.

Guidance:   Listen to what is right in your heart

Journaling:

Although in some decks this is the thief card, I’ve always viewed it as a card about reclaiming something that is lost, most often my self esteem.  This card speaks to that as it is about establishing right boundaries.  Boundaries have always been difficult for me as I’m a people pleaser at heart and I like to be liked.  That has led me to a lot of behavior that isn’t healthy for me.  All too often I have listened to people who did not have my best interests at heart and who took advantage of me.  I’ve always believed that people have good intentions and trusted people.  That changed after my marriage and meeting John.  Now it is difficult for me to believe that anyone has good intentions.  I tend to go into relationships thinking the worst of people.  

Thinking the worst of people has not really served me well as it causes me to judge people too quickly and maybe I walk away too quickly.  Maybe I don’t give people enough of a chance.  That’s something I need to reflect on and think about.

Where I’m At:  Right now I’m home sitting on the couch with the doggos.  Earlier today, I went to the Container Store to get stuff to organize my office and to the Farmers’ Market.  I got a bunch of yummy produce and I’m looking forward to having good stuff to eat this week.

Weather:  It was an absolutely gorgeous day out today.  The temperature was perfect and it was clear and sunny.

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter 54%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:07 / 7:33

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March 31, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  A man is sneaking away with crow feathers in his backpack.  The crows are sounding the alarm.  Although he is on a hill, the city is present in the distance.

Book:  Deception or trickery, taking only what’s needed, being strategic

Guidance:   You cannot deceive your heart

Journaling:

I love this card as it is about taking what is necessary.  Sometimes we have to do what’s best for us and that often means standing up for ourselves or taking things back that belong to us.  This reminds me of all the stories where someone is an asshole and everyone stands up for them because ‘that’s the way they are.”  Too fucking bad.  They’re an asshole, they get what they deserve.

Where:  I’m sitting at home and it has been a really long day!  My head is throbbing and I’m struggling to concentrate.  I was in the office today and while I had energy at the office, now I’m just feeling totally drained.  It doesn’t heal that there is so much drama around everything.  YMAN just creates drama around everything he does.

Weather:  It was beautiful today.  A little chilly, but overall an amazing day.

Moon Phase:  Waning crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:11 am / 7:51 pm

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First Impressions:  Sword play, graph in the sky

Book:  Focused concentration, balancing

Guidance:  Clear space for difficult tasks

Journaling

I like the reminder of the need to clear space for difficult tasks.  I’m not very good at that and I let myself get all swirly over the weirdness going on in my life.  I take things way too personally and forget that things will change over time.  K. at B. is driving me nuts right now as she is just a small minded little person who sees conspiracy theories everywhere and she is so desperate to be promoted that she has to grab all the attention.  I’m not that person.  I know I do a good job and I don’t need the glory for this and I’ve been asking myself a lot lately if I am upset because I’m not getting the glory or if I’m upset because dealing with her is a waste of time and we’re treading water because she is clueless and I think the bottom line is that I’m annoyed because we are treading water because she is clueless.  I’ve done this so many times that I don’t need the kudos that come from this and I can do this in my sleep because I’ve done it so many times before.  I’m struggling because I don’t have time to waste right now and she’s a drain on my energy.

I need to figure out what my next steps are and how to withdraw from this client without losing the gig for itelli.  I don’t know what the solution to that is, but I think I need to clear my head space and let go of all the drama. I  just need to focus on the work and not worry about the drama.  The drama will work itself out.  I just need to let go of the need to control the situation.  I cannot control her and sometimes all you need to do is to just let it play out.  She will eventually get tired of the situation, then I can do things that I know are the right thing to do.

Interesting when I read the blog post at Lisa’s site about this card, it talks about being deceived because you were gullible and to really pay attention and know the truth.  That tells me that she is being dishonest. 

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Taking back what is yours

Book:  Dishonesty can easily backfire

Guidance:  Use mental strategy, wit, and tact to achieve your goal, compromising your values will make the plan less valuable

Journaling:

This is the card that is about planning and about developing a plan that is in line with my values.  As the cards I’ve pulled recently have clearly shown, I need passion, grit, and a plan.  This is the card for sitting down and coming up with a plan that lets me navigate potentially rough waters and achieve my goal.  The problem for me is that right now my goal is not very clear.  I know I’m being lead to obtain my MA, but the road is a little hazier after that.  I think I’m to get a PhD that ties my spirituality, culture, and health degree together with an OCM twist, but beyond that I don’t know what the guidance is. 

This card also is telling me that I need to gather together my strength as I will need it to wade into the cold and icy river.  There are forces working against me and trying to wash away what I’m holding on to.  I need to make sure that what I am holding on to is worth holding on to and it is really what I want.  I will be changed forever if I wade into the cold and icy river to retrieve the swords of truth.  I’m also being told that my heart will need to seek my brain in order for this to work.

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March 24, 2018

Deck:  Rider Waite Smith Tarot

First Impressions:  Sneakiness, taking back what’s mine

Book:  Unwise action, failing plain,new ideas, challenging old assumptions

Guidance:  Do not take credit for others ideas, do not procrastinate

Journaling:

This card to me is about soul theft.  I’m realizing as I reflect on my soul retrieval that my grandmother, John, and Charlene  all stole pieces of my soul.  My grandmother did it with her careless comment.  She took away a piece of me that needed to matter to other people.  She didn’t believe I was worth loving and she didn’t believe I was worth making a connection to.  I reality, I don’t know if that is true.  Maybe it was just a stupid and thoughtless comment.  She never treated me as if I didn’t matter and I have also received unconditional love from others who did believe I mattered.

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Note:  the letters below were all written by me in an attempt to recapture the missing pieces of my soul.

Letter from my grandma

Lora,

I’m so sorry.  I love you and would never want you to think otherwise.  You are amazing, strong, and courageous.  I didn’t want your Mommy and Daddy to feel any pain if something happened to you, but that was wrong as the reality of it is that your Daddy was attached to you the moment he laid eyes on you.  You were going to be amazing.  He struggled to reconcile his feelings about women with his desire for you to succeed. That was hard for him.  He never did like John, but he respected your choices.  You are loved and you do matter.  I am so sorry for hurting you.

Love, Grandma

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Dearest Soul Part held captive by Charlene,

I am so sorry that I didn’t realize that she had you.  I did not connect the anger and resentment I was feeling with her holding you and abusing you.  Everything she told you is lies.  Women are not second class citizens and it is not our job to give everything of ourselves in service to others.  We are allowed to have our own hopes and dreams. 

Charlene is a product of another day and time.  She is an ancestor and she does not speak for the way the world is.  I am so happy you are home and we will take care of you.  Thank you for being strong while she held you captive. 

Raine

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Dearest Soul Part held captive by John,

I am so happy you are home and I am so sorry that I left you behind.  Everything that he told you is a lie.  I am not too big for my britches.  I am sexy, funny, and loving.  However it is hard to be any of those things when you are constantly being put down and abused.  You are safe in our home as bad behavior is not tolerated.  The rules of the house are that everyone is treated with respect and no one is put down.  We discuss disagreements respectfully.

Welcome home!  I am so glad you are here.

Raine,

=========================

Dearest Soul Part that was with X,

I am glad you are back and I’m sorry that I gave you away.  Thank you for the guidance to be myself and live my best life.  I just need to be patient and let life unfold.

Blessings, Raine

December 25, 2018 Review

This soul retrieval was so amazing and I have grown and changed so much since it has happened.  I know that I am healing because I am letting go of the anger toward Charlene.  I know in my heart of hearts that she did not mean to hurt me and that makes it easier to forgive her and let go.  However, I also know that intention isn’t all that mattered.  She did hurt me and she will continue to hurt me if I let her back into my life. 

I also know that I really need to let go of John and cut the cord completely.  There are days when I wish he will fall flat on his face and other days where I hope that he has a happy life and doesn’t drag Sean down with him.  At this point, what I really want is just for him to not be in my life any more.

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December 19, 2017

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Ellen does a great job with this card in giving us the sense of the thief as Laverna is turned toward something gesturing while behind her back she holds a bag of money.  I didn’t realize it when I first drew this card, but there are seven columns.  I love this card and even though I didn’t not consciously look at the card, my very first impressions were ones of a thief and dishonesty.

Book:  Succeeding through ill-gotten gains, hiding in the shadows

Guidance: Think outside of the box, think of another way, work for your own best interests, answer may be found in silence.

Journaling:

The message I take from Laverna is to reclaim what is mine.  I spend so much time and energy giving and being for others that I neglect myself.  I need to make a concentrated effort to reclaim myself.  I also have to acknowledge that there are days when it only feels like taking my life back is stealing because other people do not recognize my sovereignty and only see me in relation to what I can do for them.  I need to reclaim myself and life my life for me and not for others.  That’s easier now than when my kids were little, but it still feels awkward to say no and put my own needs first.  It is something I know will continue to be a work in progress.

December 26, 2017 Recap

Pulling this card reminds me of the ritual to Laverna that Anna led.  I was okay with all the Dark Goddess rituals she led until I got to this one because it was almost as if she took glee in the idea of worshiping someone who was was the patron of thieves.  However, over the past few years I’ve had a lot of time to meditate and reflect.  I’ve also done the meditation to Laverna from The Dark Goddess Lodge and I’ve come to a different understanding of Laverna and the Seven of Swords in general.

I’ve realized that sometimes it is right and necessary to be a “thief” as sometimes it is about reclaiming your sovereignty and reclaiming what someone stole from you.  John stole so much for me and I’m finally starting to reclaim who I am.  He pounded me down so hard that I lost so much of myself.  I still don’t know why he chose to beat me down physically and emotionally, but I have come back and I’ve reclaimed myself.

I’m also learning that other people consider it selfish or wrong to stand up for myself and take back my time and my resources.  It is not wrong to take back what is yours.  In fact it is good and noble to take yourself back to a time of wholeness.

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November 7, 2017

Deck:  Gilded tarot

First Impressions:  Being sneaky

Book:  Actions have consequences

Guidance:  Review your plan and reconsider if it seems fool hardy

Journaling

I’m not sure that I agree that the actions of this gentleman were foolhardy.  Sometimes we have to take bold actions and break the rules.  I think this card is also a reminder that there are consequences, but that sometimes the consequences are worth it.

November 20, 2017 Update

There are consequences, but sometimes the sneaky acts that are seen as deceptive are worth it.  How do we know that he the people he is “stealing” from, did not take something from him first.

October 26, 2018 Update

My understanding of this card has continued to evolve and I still view it as taking back something that was taken from us.  There are times in life when we have to reclaim what is ours and there are times when we cannot make a full frontal attack, but we need to be sneaking and deceptive because the person holding it does not want to give it back to us.

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May 12, 2017

Deck:  Herbal tarot

Card: Seven of Wands, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Letting Go, letting down your guard

Book:  Ungrounded and elusive thoughts, avoiding confronting things that are changable, laying your cards on the table

Guidance:  Do research, collect guidance from others, lay your cards on the table, be honest

Affirmation:  I speak the truth

Journaling

Interesting card to pull today as I’m at a point where I just want to be laid back.  I’m realizing that anger and defensiveness don’t really protect you.  All they do is keep you lonely and isolated.  It also takes a hell of a lot of energy to keep my shields up all the time.  I have the feeling the reason I am so tired all the time is that I lug around so muich emotional baggage and my emotional baggage has been converted to physical baggage int he form of fat.  I’m carrying 100 lbs of baggage with me and I need to let it go.

May 14, 2017 Revisit

Getting outside in the sun the last few days has helped bring me some peace and clarity.  It helps me to see the world as bigger than myself and that helps a lot.

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May 5, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Spirit Tarot

Card Name:  Seven of Air

First impressions:  

• Air:  Lightness, wind, east, letting go, grief
• Seven:  Perfection, security, rest, spiritual awakening, thoughtfulness, psychic beliefs

Card:  An explorer is reviewing a map and trying to chart his course.  There is a river on his map and a mountain in front of him.  This is a card about decisions and charting a course and deciding what we want out of life.

Book:  Considering the world, what are our eyes drawn to on the map?  what are we afraid is missing?  What level is the map drawn at?  Does the map reprsent our inner self or our outer self?  What path am I following?  What am I looking for?  What do I want out of llife?

Journaling

I think I want companionship and stability out of life.  I want to be loved, but I’m not sure what path leads to love.

January 2, 2022 Overall Update

It’s really interesting to read my thoughts on this card and how they have evolved and also where my head was stuck at at various times in my life.  I still view this card as stealing back something that was mine to begin with.  I have grown and changed over the years and I’m definately not the same person I was in 2016 when I wrote this.  There is a part of me that still truly wants love, but there is another part of me that knows I will be okay no matter what.  I am strong and sassy and I know my own worth.

 October 15, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  A hippie is sitting in the tree thinking about the future and thinking about how to move his life forward.

Book:  Transform old paradigms into something new and playful.

Guidance:   Follow your bliss and express your individuality

Journaling:

I think what I love most about this card is that the person is contemplating before throwing himself into action.  I don’t view the wand in this card as magical, but more about illumination.  He is looking to see what the future holds before creating it. I feel so stagnant lately and I don’t know what I want to create.  I have a fuzzy kind of vision of what I want, but it is not yet fully defined.

I want to live a life of purpose where what I do is meaningful and actually helps people instead of corporations.  I don’t know how to get there, but I know what the end state is.  I’m starting to put this out there to the universe and I know I will manifest it.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and overall it was a lovely day.  I got up and went to the Farmer’s Market with Cam and got some good veggies to cook this week.  The one bad thing that happened is that I learned that my meds are not covered by my new insurance.  That totally sucks as now I will have to get used to a new medicine.  And the sucky thing is that I know that drug works because it has alleviated some of my worst symptoms.

Weather:  The weather was perfect today.  It was a little chilly, but overall very nice.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 70%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:36/6:46

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 September 13, 2022

Deck:  The Gentle Tarot

Card Name:  Seed of Wands

First Impressions:  Playfulness, reaching toward the sun, things upside down with him dancing over the rainbow

Book:  I choose playfulness and curiosity.  My world expands as I allow myself to expand.

Guidance:   Dismiss doubt and choose freedom.

Journaling:

Sometimes it is hard to choose playfulness and curiosity as I feel so burdened by responsibilities, but I need to let all of that go and trust that it is all going to work out.  The thing I always forget is that I don’t need to trust people to do the right thing.  I trust my guides.  All that happened at Nestle happened for a reason.  I may not know what that reason is yet, but there was a reason.

There were lessons I need to learn about strength and about being the person I need to be.  I needed to learn that it is okay to speak out and call people on their bad behavior.  I needed to learn that there is so much that I can do that I don’t give myself the opportunity to.  

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting in a hotel in Erie.  It’s kind of nice to be alone this week, but it is also lonely as I miss my doggo.  It also seems sort of stupid to be in a hotel room to work remote, but I’m doing what I need to do.

Weather:  The weather was rainy for most of the day, but it cleared up in the afternoon and I went to a restraurant by the lake and sat on the water.  It was really nice.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 89%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:57/7:35

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June 10, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Happiness, openness, saying hello, I love the colors on the tunic and the fire on his chest

Book:  Enthusiasm, youth, energetic, innovation

Guidance:   Guidance guards new creation

Journaling:

This card reminds me of the fool at is someone who is young and creative and looking toward the future.  They haven’t been jaded and burned out so they still believe in the magick of creation.  I wish I could reclaim that belief in magick and the belief that what I do matters.  I’ve been in a dark place lately as it seems that nothing I do matters.  I feel mired in this tar pit and that all I do is work and come home.  There seems to be no wonder in the world and I don’t know how to recapture it.

I’m trapped in doom scrolling and it seems my world is getting smaller and smaller as I feel afraid to move.  I feel trapped and I don’t know how to get out.  Part of it is that all three of us are in a dark place.  Maybe I need to start with doing the dishes.  Sometimes doing just one thing can get the momentum going.

Where I’m At:  I drove home from Morton yesterday and I’m still a little tired.  It was a long drive because I ended up stopping multiple times.  I had to take the car back to the airport today and Cam was too tired to go along and pick me up so I had to take a cab and I’m tired.  It was a long odyssey.

Weather:  The weather was nice today.  It wasn’t too hot, but not too cold so it was nice to sit outside.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 79%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:01

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Creativity, Imagination, Daydreaming

Book:  Youthful energies creating an alternate reality

Guidance:  Transform an old paradigm into something new and playful

Journaling

This card is a reminder that I need downtime in my life to be creative and to come up with unique solutions.  I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t let myself take time to just be and it’s made me short tempered and made me feel trapped.  It’s also had me feeling very overwhelmed.  I feel like there is just so much to do that I don’t dare take anytime to just walk in the park, smell the flowers, or just be.  I’ve been pushing myself to just do, do, do and it seems like I’m working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I know part of it is because I chose to take 4 courses this semester which is kind of an insane course load for someone working full time, but at the time I signed up for those courses, I didn’t realize that OCM would explode and I’d have more work than I can handle. 

I was sitting on the couch today trying to work on a paper and I just couldn’t do it.  My brain could not do it and I realized that I was overwhelmed with everything that was going on and that it is perfectly okay that I can’t do everything at once and that I really need to be honest with myself about what is and is not realistic.  I also need to pace myself and not expect that I am going to have everything done the day it is assigned.  I would love to do that, but it isn’t realistic and it is perfectly okay to not be a kamakazi about work.  I can do a little bit every day and it will all get done.

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Enthusiasm, starting something

Book:  Threshold of a newly inspired direction, opportunity to discover potential, embark on self development, creative, enthusiastic, confident

Guidance:  Be Bold, Be Magical

May 25, 2018 Revisit

Another day that I didn’t journal.  Things must have been pretty intense or I wasn’t feeling well if I didn’t make time to journal.  Even though I didn’t know it when I pulled this card, I was at the beginning of a new adventure and creating my own life.

I was creating my exit from Chicago and in some ways the job i landed at itelligence came out of my putting it out there to the universe that I was ready to leave Chicago.  The Gods heard that and created a pathway for that to happen.  The one thing I don’t understand is why they have not yet created a pathway for love.  I have been pretty vocal about that being what I want to manifest in life, but it hasn’t happened yet.  I’m not sure why and I’m not sure what I would have to do to manifest it.

The only guidance they keep giving me is to be patient.  That is hard guidance for me to follow, but I know in my heart it is the right guidance and I know in my heart that it will work out.

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May 20, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Card Name:  Child of Fire, pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Being blinded or blind to the fire, not seeing the defeat that is all around you.  Being lost in the darkness

Book:  Too much of a hurry to start a new project.  Pay attention to the details.  Need to be open to live and light.

Journaling

I’m not seeing the love that surrounds  me as I’m so caught up in my own darkness that I’m not open to possibilities.  I’m not wanting to be open to something new.  I’m not appreciating life with an open heart.  I’m mired in my own darkness and am not opening myself to the light.  I have to let go of my preconceived notions of love and life and trust the universe.

 October 13, 2022

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  I normally don’t like the six of cups as the traditional version is kind of creepy.  However, I actually like this version of the card because it is sweet and loving.

Book:  By opening your heart to friendship and love; it is returned.

Guidance:   Share your joy with others

Journaling:

I am so blessed to have Sean in my life.  He truly is a loving and kind person and sometimes I think he is a better person than I am.  I remember the day we brought his sister home from the hospital and he wanted to stop and get her a coke as a present.  He truly does always think of others and wants what’s best for him.  Unfortunately, I am not always so kind and loving as I all too often put up walls between myself and other people.  I think about what their motiviations are or how they could hurt me.  Sean crew up in a crap environment, but he came out of it with such a kind heart.

I need to work to let go and to have a kind heart as well.

Where I’m At:  I’m still in Allentown and we had our last day of training.  It was good, but there are definately some strange things in this organization.  However, I just need to focus on what I can control.  Heidi and I left work and it was pouring so by the time we got back to the hotel we were soaked.

Weather:  It poured down rain and it was that cold fall rain that tells you that winter is coming.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 86%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:09 / 6:26

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August 3, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card.  It is one of the most beautiful six of cups that I have ever seen and it doesn’t give me the creepy energy that most six of cups give off.

Book:  Influences from the past, nostalgia, realization of a long held dream

Guidance:   Hold the good, let go of the bad

Journaling:

I love this card and the purity and innocence it represents.  I’ve been thinking a lot of my childhood again and working to focus on the good.  I remember the happy times at my grandmother’s.  I remember playing outside with the kids down the hill.  I remember third grade when our teachers did a unit about foods around the world and we got to cook and eat different foods.  I remember going to the Milwaukee Museum and see what the world looked like.  I know that my parents really did the best they good.  They didn’t know how to raise me to be the person that I am today who has been to other countries, etc.  And I really appreciate everything they did for me.

The thing I haven’t figured out how to reconcile and forgive is the pain she caused me by degrading me, not raising me to stand up for myself, and making assumptions that I would always be taken care of by a man.  I don’t know how to let go of the pain of those things.  I don’t know how to let go of the pain of not being respected by my parents.  I think that is the issue.  It was a lack of respect.  She didn’t respect me enough to make my own decisions and choices.  She treated me like garbage because she did not respect me.  She didn’t respect me enough to make my own decision about whether or not Stella would be in my life.  She did not respect me enough to make my own decisions about decorating my house.  

Letting go of a lack of respect is hard as I deserved respect.  I work hard, I’m smart, I have a kind heart, and I have grit.  However, she never respected me as my own person.  Even after I became an adult, she didn’t respect me.  I remember when I cashed out my 401K from working for the Air Force and she had a fit because we wanted to use part of it to go to Disney.  She acted as if what we did with our money was her decision.

Where I’m At:  I’m on PTO today and am planning on enjoying a relaxing day.  I have some errands to run, but may just do those in the morning.  I’m going to take it slow today and tomorrow and just work on cleaning and taking things easy.

Weather:  It is warm outside.  I sat outside with the doggos for a while, but then it got hot this afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 30%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:21 / 8:42

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 June 3, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Working side by side, friendship, planting relationships

Book:  Charity, generosity, scholarship, asking for help

Guidance: Balance is found in embracing community

Journaling:

I have been binge watching Station 19, which is about Seattle Fire Fighters and they truly do embrace community.  They have their own internal community of  fire fighters who are like a family, but they also embrace the community they serve.  One of the episodes that touched me the most was about a homeless man who came into the firehouse with scabies.  He looked disgusting and probably smelled worse, but Jack treated him like a human being.  He let him take a shower, he put lotion on him, and he cut his hair.  The gentleman cried and said that he hadn’t been touched or looked at since his wife died.  It reminded me that we are all human beings and that most of us are just trying to get by and survive this big scary world.

Where:  I was home today and I just chilled out.  I love having Friday afternoons off because by 4 pm, I forget I’ve even worked in the mornings

Weather:  It was actually a little chilly today and I didn’t even feel like laying out in the hammock.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 14

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:52 am / 8:56 pm

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Friendship, happiness, laughter

Book:  Little girl is focused on giving her friends what they desire

Guidance:  Open your heart to friendship and love and it will be returned

Journaling

The six of cups is not a card that I normally dislike as most versions are kind of creepy and seem like they really promote an imbalance of power.  However, I love this card as it is about love and friendship and taking care of the people that we love.  That is the perfect card for today as it was the City Dogs Reunion and it was so wonderful to see all the smiles on both the people and the dogs.  City Dogs is truly a place of love as they work so hard to promote these dogs that other people ignore and look past.  I know that I was a little scared of getting a pit bull, but once we got Clark and I realized how sweet and loving he was, I got over my fears.  They are sweet and amazing dogs.

It is so easy to love them because they are funny and smart and all they want to do is be loved.  They don’t really care if you have a lot of money or how you look, they know what is in your heart and they return the love that is given to them ten times over.  Getting Clark was such a good decision because he really and truly helped Cam to heal.  I don’t know if she would have survived without him.  He snuggles with her and night and helps keep away the boogeyman.  He has been her rock and I know that there are days when having to take care of him is what helps her get through the day.

Wendy has become my heart because she is so sweet and loving.  I think it is because she reminds me of myself in that at first glance she seems downtrodden and used up, but her heart is so pure and open.  All she really wants is for people to love her.  I remember the day we got her and how she was so exhausted and slept so much.  It was as if she felt safe for the first time in a long time.  There were no other dogs yipping and she had a safe warm place to nest in.  It was as if she felt safe and knew that she had people who were going to take care of her.  I’m also so glad that she isn’t scared about there not being food anymore.  She knows that we will take care of her.

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Nostalgia, partnership

Book:  Sanctuary, loving sanctuary of family and friends and family, kindness and compassion, relaxing fully into who we truly are

Guidance:  Leave the worries of the world behind, live fully in the present, draw insight from the past to enrich the present

Journaling:

The six of cups is a card I have historically disliked because my childhood memories were not all happy and I equated this card with an imbalance of power that occurs in childhood.  As a child, we have little power and we are at risk of being exploited or taken advantage of by those older than ourselves.  Even though the meanings from most decks are all about nostalgia, I never warmed to this card, but the cards from the World Spirit deck and the Druidcraft deck are different representations of the six of cups.  The six of cups from the World Spirit deck allows me to see two friends who are hanging out and having fun and there isn’t the power differential that there is in the traditional RWS version of this card.

The six of cups from the Druidcraft deck shows an older boy and younger girl being supervised by a parent, which gives me a feeling of safety that the traditional RWS card doesn’t give me.  Additionally, the reflection for the DruidCraft deck by Philip Carr-Gomm provided exactly the insight I needed as I contemplate letting go of the anger and pain my relationship with my mother causes.  Carr-Gomm said, “Receiving this card in a reading may mean that you are working on integrating the gifts and experiences of your past–your childhood, or even past lives–with your consciousness in the present.”  This reading captured where I am at as it was an acknowledgement that I cannot totally sever my past and I need to figure out how to start from where I am.  It also means that I need to take a step back and look at the past as a whole and not focus on all the negativity and anger.  I need to remember the 26 mile bike ride we took with my mom and how much fun that was, I need to remember baking cookies, and the fact that she drove me to college.  What I’ve finally realized is that by acknowledging the good doesn’t negate the bad, it just means that I am choosing to love myself and make room in my life for good memories instead of just hoarding the bad memories. 

As a demonstration of the synchronicity of the world, I’m reading Beyond Forgiveness:  Reflections on Atonement by Phil Cousineau and the passage I read tonight, an essay by Michael Bernard Beckwith, included a reflection on the biblical story of Jesus telling people to turn the other cheek.  Beckwith said, “Many people interpret this as saying that if someone hits you, you should turn the other cheek and let them hit you again.  I don’t think he meant that.  I think he meant that you are supposed to give back a different form of energy.  If you are given hate or indifference, you are to give back love, patience, and compassion.”  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I read this because I realized it was exactly what I needed to hear.  I’ve started doing a metta, or loving kindness meditation every night.  First I remind myself that I love myself and I am loved, then I expand the circle outward to include my children, my friends, and eventually the world.  As I expand the circle of meditation, I envision each person/group receiving peace and love.  Part of the meditation is specifically giving loving kindness to people who are difficult.  I realized as I read Beckwith’s words that I had not been including my mother in my loving kindness meditation.  I took a pause, breathed deeply, then recited my version of the loving kindness meditation for my mother:

Mom, you love yourself

You are surrounded by love

You are kind and compassionate to yourself

You are surrounded by kindness and compassion

You are strong

You are fierce

You are vulnerable

You love with an open heart

You are enough

You have enough

As I visualized her and said these words, I felt peace within my heart.

Exercise

Begin your own metta meditation practice to begin blessing those who you find difficult.

January 4, 2022 Review

This blog entry was difficult for me to read as I have done a lot of work on grief over the last few years and I’ve realized that the reason I dislike the six of cups is that most traditional versions remind me of an incident that happened when I was 10 or 11.  I was in the hayloft with my older cousin and he wanted to kiss me and made suggestions to do more than that.  I honestly don’t think that anything else happened, but there is a possibility that I am blocking it out.  I never told anyone and a couple of years after this incident, I overheard my parents talking about taking Randy in and I was so scared.  I could not imagine feeling safe if he came to live with us.  Unfortunately, a few months after that conversation he died in a farm accident and there was part of me that felt incredibly guilty as if my resistance had caused him to die.  I realize now that that’s not true, but it explains why most representations of the six of cups fream me out.

It’s also interesting to note that I’ve also started doing a more hardcore metta meditation practice lately.  I write out the metta meditation on an index card so that I am really focused on the person.  I have noticed that it has help me let go of some of the meditation I hold toward some people.

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May 5, 2016

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Name of Card:  Six of Water (pulled reversed)

First Impressions:  Being outside of the circle, not connected to my community, floundering

Book:  Brooding on the past, worrying about the future.  

Guidance:  Go to the water and cast your prayer to the winds.

My prayer:  Community, happiness, peace, contentment, joy, love, wonder

Journaling

I do feel disconnected from everyone.  I feel as if I have one foot in Chicago and one foot in Cleveland.  It is so hard to be part of the community when I am not here all the time.  The question I have to ask myself is “Is it hard?  Or am I making it hard?”  I don’t know the answer to that.  There are legitimate roadblocks such as not being here all the time, but I also squander some of the time I do have.

January 4, 2022 Review

What I found interesting about reading through these cards, especially the last one, is that I did take action to move full time to Cleveland and not be traveling anymore.  However, I chose to do it at the beginning of a pandemic when life was locked down for everyone.  I have taken steps to get involved and to meet people.  I joined Open Table, I participated in a research study.  It might not be a lot, but considering there is a pandemic going on, I’m proud of those efforts.

October 12, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  

Book:  This is the time to be recognized for your inner star and achievements

Guidance:   Believe your dreams will come true

Journaling:

This is such an interesting card for me as I have always believed in my hopes and dreams, especially around love.  However, after all the energy that I put into being with Blaze and that didn’t happen, it left me a little broken hearted.  I felt as if I believed and I wanted it so much, but then it didn’t happen.

I do know that if I want something and it doesn’t come true, it probably was not meant to be.  However, that situation left me feeling so alone and bereft.  I felt as if i was abandoned.  I know now that getting with Blaze was probably the worst thing that could happen to me as I would have felt the need to be less than and to conform with what he wanted and expected.  However, that isn’t who I am and I should never have to be less than to be with anyone.

Where I’m At:  I’m in Allentown and we had a good day of sessions, then I went to the game for a little bit.  It was nice to hang out and socialize.

Weather:  The weather is absolutely beautiful.  It is just cool enough to walk, but not too cool

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 92%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:08/6:28

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August 4, 2022

Deck:  Secrets of the Rose Tarot

First Impressions:  This is one of the most beautiful star cards I’ve ever seen.  I love how she is standing and not kneeling and the water streaming from her containers looks almost like streams.  I also love the star on her forehead

Book:  Hope, revitalization, optimism, healing, love, bright expectations, idealism

Guidance:   keep the faith

Journaling:

This was the card that I needed to pull today.  I was in a really sad and depressed mood this morning.  I love having time off, but I hate the thought of having to go back to a job that I really hate and where I feel underutilized.  I am smart, hard working, and able to think strategically and there seems to be no where for me to go at the Nest.  I’m doing three jobs right now and I’m still bored.  I honestly don’t know if it is because I don’t really like the company or what.  All I know is that I really want a new challenge and I don’t know where that’s at.  

Although I woke up in a cranky mood this morning, I did start feeling better after I took time to celebrate Lammas and to really sit back and remind myself that life is good right now.

Where I’m At:  I’m at home today and still on PTO and it was an awesome day.  I went to Li Wah for lunch and bought some pouches for my new tarot cards.  And I cooked an amazing dinner.  I made the herb cheese bread that everyone likes, the raspberry custard desert that is so yummy, trout, and potato and corn chowder.  I also took the time to create our Lammas Altar so all in all it was a good day.

Weather:  It was nice out this morning, but it got hot and gross this afternoon.  It was 90 when I came home from my running and I did not want to do anything.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 40%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:22 / 8:41

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 July 16, 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Star

First Impressions:  I love this card as it keeps the traditional elements of the cad such as one foot in the water and one foot out and pouring water on the land and in the water, but it mixes it up with her standing and the water coming from her hand.

Book:  Renewal, hope, transformation, spiritual trust

Guidance:   Allow your creativity flow and see what blossoms

Journaling:

Today has been a day of renewal.  I’ve deliberately chosen to take the day to be quiet and take care of myself.  There is a lot to do around the house, but I’ve realized that I matter more than cleaning the house.  I need to take care of myself and I’ve chosen to do that today.

I’m also thinking about what I want to be when I grow up and I realize I would actually really like to be a reader and shaman and help people.  I have no clue how to do that, but I’m putting it out there and we will see what happens.  Even if I can’t do that full time, I want to spend at least some energy helping people.  It was an interesting day today as I finished my posting for The Tarot Blog Hop and I realized that I really do know quite a bit about tarot and that I’m getting better and better at reading the cards and giving indepth and insightful reads.

Where I’m At:  I am at home today and since I got home so late, I decided to just have a nice slow day.  I ran to the store to get some food, but other than that I’ve been taroting and just hanging out.

Weather:  It was actually fairly nice out today as it didn’t even hit 80 and it was overcast and rained slightly  I love days when it is misty and rainy.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 89%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:04 am / 8:59 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Ghostly action, fairy godmother, looking over people

Book:  Hope, renewal, cleansing, guidance, being authentically seen, regeneration

Guidance:  Becoming yourself is a journey

Journaling:

This was a hard weekend as I spent most of it writing about the emotions surrounding abortion and that was very triggering for me and made me very sad.  I know that I made the right decision, for the right reasons, but it is devastating to think about women who are harassed and harangued for having the audacity to believe they are mature enough to make their own decisions.  And people like Amy Cunt Barrett sit in judgement of people who know they cannot afford children and choose to do the right thing for their own families.  That bitch has no business making decisions for others.

However, one of the lessons I am working on right now is accepting what I cannot control.  I have no say or influence over the supreme court and I have to trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  I have be honest and say it is a very scary time to be female in this country as all the cards seemed stacked against us.  There are so many days when I feel like I have absolutely no hope because the world seems to be getting worse and worse.  I don’t know what to do, but continue to pray and do the best I can.

Where: I’m at home today and I have spent a lot of time sleeping because my body is exhausted from the stress of traveling and just getting through each day.

Weather:  It was cold today, but clear

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 99%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:41 am / 8:10 pm

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February 4, 2022

First Impressions:  Hope, love, peace, I love how she is snuggling her sleeping lamb, being unafraid

Book: Hope, serenity, inspiration, insight, spirituality

Guidance:  Stay calm and open to possibilities.  See the situation with open eyes, mind, and heart

Journaling:

I needed this message today as I have been feeling so hopeless and trapped.  The snow outside means that we can’t go anywhere and after over two years of being trapped by Covid, the feeling of being trapped is overwhelming.  I like the reminder to see the situation with open eyes, mind, and heart.  My heart and emotions are all over the place today as I feel as If I’ve been put in a very small box and I’m never going to be able to escape.  However, when I look with my eyes and mind, I know that this is just winter and even though it is bad, it is not the worst ever.  Eventually, the snow will melt and the world will open up again.  Staying calm is important because then my emotions don’t take over and I can look at the situation rationally instead of getting swirly.

Where I’m At:  I’m home today, but feeling trapped in the house as we have about 10 inches of snow on the ground.

Mood:  I’m sad and depressed as I feel so trapped.

Weather:  It is only 18 degrees and while it is clear now, it looks like we might get a little more snow.

Moon Phase:  Crescent, waxing

Sunrise / Sunset:  7:35 am/ 5:47 pm

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April 30, 2020

It sometimes amazes me how well the cards I pull go together.  In this instance, the Star from The Lightseer’s Tarot is telling me that this is a time of healing from traumatic events and that my soul purpose is being laid out while Eternity from The Journey Oracle tells me my path is being laid out in front of me in glittering stardust.

What I find most interesting about this combination is that Chris-Anne in the book for The Lightseer’s Tarot says “She sends a message of divine timing and renewed expectations, and she guides you to reach for that string of serendipity and faith.”  How much more serendipitous could it be to have the star card show up all glittery and “stardusty” and another card that talks about following the trail of stardust.  I got shivers when I pulled these two cards as each felt like a reaffirmation of the other.  However, while some equate serendipity with chance, I believe that when we have faith and do the work, serendipity happens.

I’ve also realized over the years that faith isn’t just in the mind, it also has to take the form of action and of being willing to continue to connect even when there are no results.  Faith means showing up and praying and meditating most every day, it means living a life that is in line with my values and continuing to do the right thing even when it is hard.  We are living in hard and uncertain times and it would be easy to stop giving to charity, to stop buying high quality food, and to take a million other measures that would represent fear.  I’m making a deliberate choice to not be afraid and to choose to believe that what I put out there will be returned.  That doesn’t mean that I’m being stupid and spending wildly, but I am working to balance prudence and faith.

Another part of the Star card that was interesting to me is that this represents healing from trauma and that is something that is always important to me.  My word for this year was heal and what I’ve been learning is that for me healing means opening my heart and being willing to listen to what I’m being told, even if it isn’t something that I want to hear.

February 4, 2022 Revisit

Okay, it is pretty hysterical that my word for 2020 was heal as that was the start of this god awful thing known as Covid.

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Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Ungrounded, not focused

Stars Dark Goddess Tarot

 October 11, 2022

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  This is an interesting card as it does not give the impression of juggling that some other cards have.  However, it does give the sense of trying to keep one’s balance and that is important and very similar.

Book:  The ability to stay balanced while handling opposing needs.

Guidance:   I’ve got this

Journaling:

This is an interesting reminder to stay balanced even while things seem to come at me from every direction.  I just need to keep doing whatever is next and I will get through it all.  Today was kind of rough as I had school work to do, but also needed to socialize at work.  I managed though and got done what I needed to get done.

Where I’m At:  I am in Allentown, PA and it was a great day.  The training went well, I got to meet a lot of people that I have only met with remotely, and I even went to Happy Hour and it was good.  The only downside is that Heidi sat on my right and I could not hear half of what she said.  I am really deaf in that ear 😦

Weather:  It was an absolutely beautiful day out.  It was just cool enough to not wear a jacket, but not too cold.  

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 97%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:10 am / 6:26

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June 30. 2022

Deck:  Intuitive Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Magic juggling, Native American, balanced

Book:  Flexibility, adaptation, change, play, balance

Guidance:   Figure out your priorities and figure out how you may rework them in order to find the results you seek

Journaling:

This is an interesting question especially around my school work as I have to ask myself is my priority the satisfaction of doing the research, the satisfaction of getting a good grade, or the satisfaction of getting the PhD.  For me, those things are tied together as I want to do the research in a structured way.  I can do a lot of it on my own, but I want to be led and guided so that what I come up with makes sense.

I also got a body blow this week when I heard back from Metro and I make way too much for them to even consider hiring me.  That hurts as I know I have so much to offer.  However, I also know that at least now I can’t afford to take a pay cut.  there may be a day when I can, but I can’t now.  I guess that means I continue to research and do what i can and then see what happens.

Where I’m At:  I am at home this week and hanging out in the living room with the doggos.

Weather:  It is a beautiful day out.  It’s warm and sunny and the doggos and I laid outside for an hour.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 / 9:05

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August 26, 2019

First Impressions:  Juggling, precarious

Book:  Grounded on the earth while reaching for the sun

Guidance:  Need to stay balanced while handling opposing needs

Journaling

This was a message I definitely needed to hear today as I was trying to do my job, but be as present as possible for Cam who was being there for Elif in her last days.  It was incredibly difficult as I really wanted to just go home and be with her, but by the time I got there, Elif would have passed and I have responsibilities that I need to meet to keep my job.  I’m realizing more and more that the number one issue I have with my life is that I don’t feel like I am able to be present for anyone, including myself.  I am continually juggling client needs, my own needs, and the need to be there for my kids.  That’s especially difficult right now because Cam is falling apart and I can’t be there for her.  I need to stay employed to keep a roof over our heads, but I know that she needs me because she is struggling so much.  She missed the first day of her GA position to be with Elif and although my heart says that it was the right decision, my brain says it was not.

I also have to deal with Sean who is being completely unhelpful.  He took off to ride roller coasters today because he couldn’t deal with it emotionally.  And instead of saying that he was unable to be there, he got angry at everyone and raged.  He is such a tender soul and he loves the ferrets, maybe even more than Cam.  He was so hopeful over the weekend and he thought she would get better.  He was completely unable to accept that she wasn’t going to make it and I think the reason that he went out today is because he couldn’t handle it.  I know he was devastated when Luke died, but I think he is even more devastated by Elif’s death. 

I don’t know what being present and juggling looks like going forward, but I do know that something needs to change as I’m struggling with how to truly be present for anyone.  I just keep bouncing from thing to thing and I feel like I am messing everything up. The sales calls was especially hard because I told them I had to leave at 1, but they ignored us and just kept talking about other things.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful I got through the day without collapsing

I’m grateful I was able to be as present as possible for Cam

I’m grateful I juggled as best I could

I’m grateful I did not totally flame JS, although I really wanted to for her insulting comment

I’m grateful Cam is so kind and tenderhearted

I’m grateful that I did not flame Sean for his inability to be present

First Impressions:  Thelma from Scooby Doo, Juggling, maintaining one’s balances, life coming fast and furious

Book:  Balance, search for equilibrium during a busy time, balancing act between worldly challenges and inner affairs,

Guidance:  Maintain grace and adaptability in the midst of change, see the sacredness of every day tasks

Journaling:

This card truly represented where I was at today as I flew from Chicago to Dallas last night, gave a two hour presentation, then flew back to Chicago.  I was juggling multiple clients along with my already insane light.  What I learned from today is that it is very possible to juggle, as long as I take care of myself and make sure I get enough sleep, eat the right food, etc.  I arrived late last night and my rental car was a huge 4×4 that was really too big for me to drive.  However, by the time I had realized I’d been given this mondo  beast, I was already at the car and exhausted.  The thing is that I was so exhausted that I actually did get a good night’s sleep and made it through my presentation.  I also made sure I went to bed early when I got back to Chicago.

I love the guidance to see the sacredness of every day tasks.  One of the things I realize that I am being called to do is to bring my whole self to everything I do.  When I am at the front of the room talking about how to treat people, I am talking about my spiritual beliefs because I am coming to realize that it is critical to be kind to everyone we meet because we don’t know what they are going through that is leading them to behave badly.  It is also critical that we are generous when we think about other people’s behavior because we don’t know what they’re going through. 

However, the flip side of that is that we need to demand that we be treated with respect and not let our kindness for others demean ourselves.  I spent 22 years allowing myself to be treated with disrespect until I came to believe that I had no place in this world and that the only way I deserved respect was to subjugate myself to others.  I’ve learned that isn’t true and that’s a pretty amazing feeling.

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First impressions:  Juggling

Book:  Full life, ability to keep everything flowing resourceful, flexible, accountability

Guidance:  Be aware of overdoing for the sake of admiration of others

Journaling

This card for me is about juggling various tasks and trying to stay in balance.  There are days I feel so completely unbalanced and I know my sugar addiction is a big part of the reason.  I see sweets and go nuts.  My body just has to have sugar even though I know it is killing me.  I see my numbers go up and up when I have sugar, but I can’t stop shoving it in my face.  I guess that is how alcohol and cigarettes are for John.  He knows they are killing him, but he can’t stop.

Dearest ones, please change me into someone who is loving and non-judgemental.  Help me to remember that everyone has different struggles and some of those struggles are with addiction.  Please help me to let go of my need for sugar.  Please help me break its hold on me.

July 9, 2018

I’m realizing the more I start loving myself that my sugar addiction is truly an addiction.  it is not a matter of will power, being a crappy person, or having a death wish.  It is an addiction and it truly has a grip on me.  I need to work to turn it over and to find resources to help me heal.

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Two of Pentacles Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:  The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks.  There are boats in the background.  The boy has his eyes closed.  Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks.  This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book:  Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance:  Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don’t lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull and to meditate on.  The message that I’m getting is that sometimes I’m juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of.  There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention.  One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway.  I’ve said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens.  There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I’ve gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren’t worth my time and energy.  Worry is one ball that I’ve been working hard to let go of.  There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn’t help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop.  I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens.  I’ve spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go.  That’s a big part of the reason that I’ve been working to let go of Chicago.  Going back there keeps me entangled and that’s not healthy for me.  What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John.  I really do hate him for what he’s done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me.  He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is.  I just need to let go