Category: Uncategorized

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Comforting, remember the people left behind, dreaming of loved ones

Book:  Change, transition, endings, loss, ending, new beginnings, mourning, grief

Guidance:  Spirit rises ahead of grief’s embrace

Journaling:

This is an interesting card to pull as I feel I have been surrounded by death for the last year.  In my classroom work, I have come to understand what grief is and that we can never really leave our loved ones behind, instead they live with us in different ways.  My life is so much richer for having known Luke and knowing what it was like to know you needed to be of service to someone else.  Loving Luke was such pure love and when he visits today, I know it is because he loves and misses me.

My relationships with humans is more complicated.  I know my father loved me, but my grief is tinged with trauma as I wonder what my life would have been life if he had truly supported my dreams and aspirations.  I know that he was never able to as he was trapped in his old fashioned patriarchal world view.  What I have had to come to accept is that he did fully love me, but he did not support me.  I’ve had to accept that those are two different things.  It hasn’t necesseary made life easier, but it has helped me with letting go.  

Where:  I’m sitting in a hotel room in Modesto, CA and the weather is absolutely beautiful.  It was a good day at work, but I am always a little wonked out when I am working at the office on the West Coast.

Weather:  It was absolutely beautiful today.  The sun was warm and although it was a little crisp, it felt amazing outside

Moon Phase:  Waxing, Gibbous, 80%

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:32 AM/7:37 PM

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Book:  From all endings, comes a promise of new beginnings

Guidance:  Death of something that needs to end, open yourself to possibilities

Journaling

This card made me think of Elif and her journey over the rainbow bridge.  She’s fading fast and I know that she will be leaving the earthly realm soon, but I got a sense of comfort today as I caught an image of her and Ollie getting into mischief in the next realm and of there being best buds.  It was such a peaceful image that it left me with a sense of peace and hope.  However, Cam is so distraught today as she contemplates losing another animal and having to take care of it by herself.  I had to leave to go to work and couldn’t be there for her and Sean is so upset about Elif dying that he can’t think of anyone but himself and is being so angry.

I am so proud of my girl as even though the easy thing to do would be to just leave Elif in her cage, she is choosing to be present for her, to hold her, to bathe her, and to take care of her.  She has such an amazing spirit and she is the kindest and most compassionate person that I know.  I  know that her heart is being ripped to shreds right now, but instead of thinking of her own feelings, she is putting Elif’s needs first.  I wish I was half as loving and compassionate as she is.

June 29, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Choosing to let go, choosing to be a phoenix, choosing to stay trapped

Book:  Daunting, death is with us every minute of our lives, parts of us are always dying and being reborn, possibility of transformation

Guidance:  Let go and free up your energies to enjoy what this world has to offer, have trust in the future, bid farewell to the past

Journaling

This is such a hard card, but an amazing card as well because it speaks of the wondrous possibilities that can be had if we are willing to let go of our fear and step into the abyss.  In some ways this card is similar to the fool in that both are about trusting enough to take a difficult step.  The fool is about choosing to step into the unknown and trust that we will soar and this card is about choosing to let go of the past and be reborn.

What is odd to me is that I have always embraced the fool as I’ve always loved the image of taking the leap of faith and stepping into the unknown.  I think my hangup is that I always viewed the fool as stepping off from a neutral place like a cliff and choosing to believe that there was an amazing future waiting for me.  However, death is about letting go of all the junk that is holding us back.  It is letting go of the people we love who are not good for us, it is about letting go of situations that are not good for us, but are comfortable.  Death is a harder leap of faith because not only we are stepping off the cliff into the abyss, we are stepping away from what is known.

Choosing to let go of things that may be comfortable, but bad for us is really really hard, but if we can take that leap of faith we can be reborn.  This card is also the natural successor to the Hanged Man as the Hanged Man asks us to be willing to give up beliefs that no longer serve us, but Death is choosing to actually give them up.

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April 19, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Change, Transformation

Journaling

I just pulled this card a few days ago and it feels like a stalker card.  I don’t know what it means that I have drawn this card twice in four days.  I don’t know if it means a literal death or if it is about upcoming changes.  I will need to pay attention and see what happens in my life.

January 2, 2018

I’m still not sure why I pulled this card twice in April, but I’ve come to realize that when I pull this card it is a reminder to let go of the past and embrace the future.  In the past, I’ve done a really lousy job of embracing the future and letting go of the past.  I tend to hold on to things until they are rotted and purely not redeemable.  There are days I wonder if I could have salvaged at least a working relationship with him if I had not hung on so long.  However, I don’t think I could have because of his own issues.

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April 14, 2018

Deck:  RWS

First Impressions:  Change

Book:  Death is the ultimate transformer, sun is foretelling a new beginning, positive change, transformation, renewal, a new life awaits you

Guidance:  Feel liberated

Journaling

The death card is a reminder to let go of what is holding me back and embrace change.  Interesting card as I reflect on yesterday.  I was so scared driving on route 1.  I kept being afraid I was going to plunge off the cliff.  It was much better driving back when I was on the inside. 

I need to take care of myself or the death card will come true.  I’m going to start by giving up bread, then soda.  I’m hoping if I lose weight and quit sugar my numbers will go down.

I also saw a dead sea lion on the beach this morning and that made me so sad, but thanks to the circle of life I remembered that this is just what happens.  We are born, we die

December 30, 2018

I did not do such a good job giving up bread.  It did not help that I ended up at a project at King’s Hawaiian and got coupons and free rolls.  What I’ve realized is that I have to come to a balanced position with bread.  I’m going to make homemade bread one weekend a month and that will be it.  I can give up crappy, substandard bread if I get homemade bread once a month.  I’ve also mostly given up soda by changing out the ritual.  Now the ritual is to go and buy the Bai instead of soda and it is actually working.  I think the problem with trying to switch to water is that I missed the ritual aspects of it.  I missed the going to the store and searching for it.  That made me savor it more.  I still have some of that with Bai as they don’t always have my flavor.

I’m also really worried about this thing on my arm.  I don’t think it is cancerous because it is pretty symmetrical, but there could still be something there.  I will just pray that I am taken care of.

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December 14, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Change, letting go of things

Book: If you want to move past this point, you need to move past death.  Death of the ego.  Ending of all kinds, letting go

Guidance:  Beware of the fear of change, let go of old thoughts, create closure

Journaling

I have to let go of wanting my mother to be someone she’s not.  I have to accept that, for whatever reason, she is incapable of growth and change.  She can’t be the mother than I need or want her to be.  That means that I need to find loving and supporting relationships with others.

The good thing is that I have grown and changed over the past six years and I’m in a place where I will no longer accept disrespect.

July 1, 2018

Funny, that this was where I started my evening of scribing.  Cam and I got into it yesterday and she said that nothing was ever good enough for me and that I was just like my mother.  Needless to say that hurt a lot and made me do some serious soul searching.  I realized that I was doing exactly the same thing to her that my mother did to me.  I was making her doubt herself and what she was wanting in her life.

I don’t like her being worked like a dog and having a constantly changing schedule.  However, as long as we work it out so she is not inconveniencing anyone else with her crazy schedule, it’s my job to support her and love her and make her life a little easier if I can.  This really is about the death of the ego and of letting go and trusting her to make the best decisions that she can.  It is not as if she is out dealing drugs on the sidewalk.  She is working to help people and I should support her and not put her down.

Part of this is about my ego and the realization that in a lot of ways she is a better person than I will ever be.  I cannot give that freely and unconditionally of myself, especially to people who are unappreciative.  My ego wants to be recognized and if people are not recognizing my ego, I’m struggling with the entire situation.

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October 18, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Slow Change

Book:  Seeker feels stuck, feels like nothing has been accomplished, remove the blockage, let go and move on, fear of change, depression

Guidance:  Let go and move on, work through the fear

Journaling

This card reflects where I’ve been lately.  I have been stuck and feeling as if I am never going to move on.  I don’t know if I am holding too tightly to the past or what.  I know I still want X and I really don’t want anyone else. It’s also so hard to move on when I am still stuck in Chicago half the time.  Even this week when I’ve been home, it feels like why bother when I know I will be back in Chicago next week.

May 25, 2018

One of the ways that I know that I am changing is that I am able to feel so much compassion for the pain I was in.  I no longer look at what I’ve written and cringe at my whining, but instead I acknowledge the pain that I was in and realize that not treating myself with compassion was a big part of the reason that I stayed stuck in my pain is that I did not have compassion for myself.  Instead, even if I didn’t write it on the page, I was internally berating myself and channeling my mother who told me to suck it up. 

Having heard messages like that for over 40 years, it is no wonder that I am cruel to myself.  That bitch constantly belittled me, put me down anytime I showed a “negative” emotion, and always made it about other people.  I’m realizing that she had no business being a mother as she had no clue how to be supportive and loving.  I am so fortunate that I had other women in my life who were positive and loving and who did encourage me.  I need to focus on that support and not on her constant put downs. 

I am so proud of myself for breaking free of her negativity.  It is hard in this country to walk away from a parent and say she is toxic.  Everyone seems t think that if someone is your parent that you owe them and that walking away is cruel.  I’m sure that she does view it as cruel, but it is the thing that saved my life.  Having Blaze offer unconditional love helped, but having the courage to walk away from my mother is what truly started me down the path to healing.  Knowing that I did not need her support and that I could CHOOSE to cut her out of my life was powerful and was the one thing that truly started me down a healing path.

Even though it has been eight years since I’ve seen her and seven since I’ve talked to her, there are till days when her nasty voice creeps back into my head and I have to have Frank escort her to the door and tell her to F* off.  However, lately I’ve been doing a good job of escorting her out of my head myself and telling her to F* off.

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September 14, 2016

Deck;  Hanson Roberts

Death Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Kings, women, and children lay before him.  We all succumb to death in the end.  He is clad in armor decorated with skulls showing he cannot be stopped.  The sun is setting in the background showing the sunset of life.  Reversed this card can indicate someone who is stuck and unwilling to move on.

Book:  Strong sense of inertia.  Feeling that nothing has been accomplished.  Stay with it as there is more to learn. Avoidance of or fear of change.

Guidance:  Remove the blockage to transition.  Let go and move on.  Pray and meditate.

Journaling:

Death reversed pretty much sums up where I’m at today.  I’m feeling stuck, helpless, and depressed.  I feel as if I will never move forward and never have the love I want in my life.  I am such a white picket fence girl.  I am all about hearth and home and none of this stuff at work is really important to me.  All I really want to do is come home to someone who loves me.

December 23, 2017

I still really want to have someone in my life who loves me to come home to.  I know the kids love me, but I want that one person who is always there for me.  Despite all that I’ve been through, I still believe in love and happily every after.  However, one thing I have learned in the last year is that work does have meaning for me and I do enjoy it and take a sense of pride in what I do.  I’m also realizing how important it is to have gratitude for what we do have in our lives.  I may want to have someone, but I do appreciate having my kids, a home to live in, and a job that pays me well.  Even though I want love, it doesn’t mean I should trash the things that I do have in my life.

So incredibly proud of myself for getting rid of that toxic influence!!

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April 25, 2016

Death Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Journaling:

At first glance this is about all the things I’ve lost in my life.  It is about letting go of illusions.  It is about grieving and moving on.  We need to let go of these things that no longer serve us.  Release that which no longer your best interest to create the space for new beginnings.  Where am I holding on to that which no longer serves me:

• The belief that I will live happily ever after with a certain someone
• My anger over John’s betrayal
• Playing the strong survivor
• Playing the victim
• The expectation that John will ever grow up
• The belief that I am unlovable
• The belief that I’m not strong enough

Letting go of all these limiting beliefs will help me to live a beautiful and amazing life.

December 24, 2017

It is amazing as I head into 2018 to look back and realize how much I’ve grown and how much I truly have let go of.  I am starting to truly realize how strong and amazing that I am and that I don’t need to play either the victim or the survivor.  I just need to be me.  I’m not perfect and there are things I could do better, but overall I’ve realized that I am the only person I really have who will always be here for me so it behooves me to be nice to myself.

Beating myself up and talking down to myself is not and has never been productive.  All it has done has lead me to not like myself and to continue to put other people first.  I need to let go of all of the negativity and realize how truly amazing I am.

Deck:  Sacred Traveler

First Impressions:  Preparing for battle, pride, knowing your worth

Book:  gather inner resources, move forward fearlessly, Speak up for yourself, take action in spite of your fear

Guidance:  Take action with passion

Journaling

I love the reading on this card to take action with passion.  For me this means figuring out what my passion is and choosing to move forward even without guaranteed results.  I know that one of my biggest challenges is having to always know the results and having to always know that what I am doing will be rewarded.  I need to take a step back and remind myself that the work itself is the reward.  I don’t need to get a good grade or a job based on what I do for it to be worthwhile.  The work I did last semester was valuable even if there was no job that came out of it.  Learning for its own sake is valuable.

 To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for April is:

Kindness

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

Beginning of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

What does kindness mean for me right now?

What do I need to learn about kindness?

What do I need to do to bring Kindness into my life?

What benefits will I have bringing kindness into my life?

  To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for February is:

Loving

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

End of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

What does loving mean for me right now?

The two of cups tells me that romantic love should be about equals. It should not be about one person being dominant over another. This card is about being attuned emotionally and always wanting what is best for the other person.  It is about each person bringing themselves to the table as they are.  Sometimes they will be able to bring their best selves to the table, but other times they will crawl to the table bloody and broken and bruised and no matter how they show up, the table is a safe place.  It is place to be loved and nurtured and a place where you no you are safe no matter what.

My marriage was never place as I knew that no matter how I came to the table I would be put down and abused.  It is funny, because I also pulled this card in my IPV Trauma Tarot Reading and in that sense the card was telling me that what I had wasn’t really love as it made me feel bad about myself.  They say that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you and what I am realizing is that that is so true.  Until I can love my worst self, my self that is broken and bloody and bruised, I can’t expect anyone else to truly love me.  I have finally got to the point where I love myself no matter what.  Wendy helped me a lot with that because she can be such a pain in the ass, but I love her no matter what.

What did I learn about loving?

A card about accomplishments, the six of wands, seems odd in this sense as it would make love about ego.  However, I’m reading this card as that love is about loving yourself and your accomplishments.  This card is telling me that I do not need to be less than in order to be loved.  This card is telling me that I need to stand tall and to be myself.  If someone truly loves me, they will be happy for my accomplishments and not try to cut me down.  This card is also about being rewarded for both hard work and creative endeavors.

Wow!  this seemed like an odd card, but when I read it as being able to be myself and to be proud of who I am, it makes so much sense.  I could never be myself with John because either I wasn’t good enough or he felt the need to bring me down a peg.  He actually said that was why he was so shitty to me.  I’m not sure why he thought that I was full of myself because I wasn’t.  And after 22 years with him, I had no self esteem.

What do I need to do to continue bringing loving into my life?

This depiction of the two of wands is about equality in partnerships and this tells me that I need to continue to be myself and to not be afraid of conflict with those I love.  There will always be disagreements and some conflict is normal, but it is about being able to be yourself and to not always feel you have to fight to the death.  I think with John I felt I had to fight to the death because if I backed down he would use it against me.  As I reflect, I brought this into my relationship from seeing my parents’ marriage and other marriages that modeled theirs.  These were not marriages of equals as someone always had to be dominant.  And that someone was usually the man.  I think that is why I was never able to accept my soft side, the side of me that likes to nurture because that was not valued when I was growing up and that set of skills was not valued.  I always saw women as the second class citizen.  

To continue being loving, I need to accept that I can be loved and be myself.  

What benefits has loving brought into my life?

Loving has helped me realize that I do not have to carry the burden alone.  I can reach out and ask for help and that is healthy.  There is such a belief that we have to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, but that is so harmful because human beings were not designed to be solitary beings.  We are designed to come together in community and to help one another.  There are two pieces that are important to not becoming overwhelmed by work or other burdens.  The first is being willing to ask for help and tell people that you need assistance.  And the second is to set boundaries and say no when you do not have the time or energy to take something else on.  All too often, we keep saying yes, yes, and yes and end up overwhelmed.

Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle

First Impressions:  Friendly dragon, guarding treasure, seeing the light, working for what you want

Book:  Look beneath the surface in your life for treasure.  Know that you are worthy

Guidance:  Beneath the surface lies great bounty

Major Events this Week:  This should be a fairly light week 

Journaling

As I reflect on this card, I realize it is about recognizing the bounty that I already have and about knowing that the dragons in our lives are there to teach us and protect us.  It also makes me think about inviting Mara to tea.  Sometimes the situations and people that seem the most negative and the most harmful are actually the greatest teachers.  This is asking me to reflect on my current situation at work and what am I here to learn.  There are some really good teachers at The Bird.  My current boss annoys me sometimes, but one of his real strengths is nurturing people and helping them find their strengths.  I see how he lets people find their strengths and lets them fail.  Letting people fail is hard for me as I want to rush in and save them, but I also know that I have learned the most from my failures.

I also know that I used to be a lot like M and seeing what a pain in the ass she is makes me wonder how anyone ever put up with me.  

April 3, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, stabbed in the back, in pain, desolate

Book:  Painful endings, crisis, stabbed in the back, devastating loss, opportunity to find hope

Guidance:  Give yourself space to heal from trauma

Journaling:

Space and time to heal is so important and I don’t think we pay enough attention to that.  We live in a 24/7 world where we just want to move on from everything and make things better right away, but it doesn’t work like that.  I remember when I was first separated and B. was telling me to get over it, but he had no idea of the depth of the damage to my soul.  John’s humiliation had broken me and I had no idea how to move on.  the ironic part in hindsight is that I have always been strong enough to support myself and take care of myself, I just didn’t know it.

The question I’m asking myself now is whether I am strong enough to let someone into my life.  I feel like I still have so many barriers up and I honestly don’t know whether I can let myself be vulnerable.  It is so much easier and less complicated to just be my self and not worry about another person’s wants or needs.

Where: I’m at home on a Sunday morning with the doggos

Weather: It snowed overnight.  I wish it would just get to be spring already

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 5%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:03 am / 7:56 pm

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First Impressions:  Stabbed in the back

Book:  Drowning in despair

Guidance:  Rise above the victim mentality, trust the universe to support you

Journaling

Today was a really rotten day as we were all emotionally prepped to go to trial and we found out that we’re not going because of other trials.  I feel as if Cam was totally stabbed in the back as if she was betrayed by the very justice system that swore to protect her.  I know that in reality this was nothing personal and that is just out the overburdened court system works, but it still feels very very personal.  It’s almost as if the court system has no clue as to how difficult it is for crime victims and how dealing with delays just makes it worse. 

The problem with where I’m at right now is that I am so stressed out and overwhelmed that I can’t trust the universe to do the right thing and it is very hard to trust anyone

Gratitudes

I’m grateful I was home with Cam when we found out about the trial
I’m grateful that I didn’t send the really nasty email
I’m grateful that we made up and didn’t let this rupture us permanently
I’m grateful that I have Thursday and Friday off

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July 11, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions;  Eviscerated, Isis calling for mercy

Book:  Ruin

Guidance:  Come to terms with reality, surrender and welcome the opportunity to move on

Journaling

Interesting card to reflect on today.  It was an absolutely brutal week at work as it felt like everything that could go wrong did.  Everyone seems to be fighting and nothing seems to be going right.  We’re struggling with the blueprint and don’t have half the work done that we need to get done.  In so many ways, it feels like a perfect shit storm, which is what Mercury Retrograde usually entails.  To top it all off, I’m getting sick and it feels as if I’m never going to be able to breathe again.  I feel as if I’m drowning in grief again, but I don’t know why as nothing has occurred that I’m letting go of.

The message I’m getting loud and clear with this card even though it doesn’t make perfect sense is to go inward and reflect upon where I am and what I want to do with my life.  I’ve been living a very outward focused life lately and haven’t made time to turn inward and to meditate and reflect on what is important to me.  I’ve been focused on changing the world, but haven’t spent time on me.  I’ve been eating poorly, not exercising, and not spending time outdoors.  I’ve let myself get caught up in the brain and not the spirit.  That is my reality right now and it is time I let go of the pleasures of the brain and make time for the pleasures of the spirit.  It is time to do something fun, to walk in nature, and to let the warm sun caress my face.

Surrender is such a hard word because on the surface it means giving up, but in reality it can mean giving up the burdens and giving up the things that we think are important to focus on the things that are really important.  So the trick for me is figuring out what is really important versus what I think is important.  I know that family is important, time for myself is important, but what isn’t important?  Work is important only in the sense that it pays the bills, but I can’t let go of it until I have something else to pay the bills and I don’t know what that is.  I think I just have to pray and open myself up to listening to the answers.

January 14, 2022 Revisit

Surrender is still a hard word for me, but I am learning to accept that there are things I just have to turn over and surrender to deity.  It doesn’t mean I have to like it, but sometimes I just have to do it.  Interesting as I was writing these words, I got the message that surrendering things that are bothering us or that we cannot control means that we free up space in our lives for things that do move us forward and do add value to our lives.  This makes me wonder if I need to let go of my anger toward people and work and space will be freed up for things that do matter.  Although I do believe that magick and a freezing spell do work on other people, I also believe that these spells work on my own mind because they are another way of turning things over.  

Gratitudes

My flight was on time

Culver’s

Walking to lunch

Driving the funky little VW Bettle

Hanging out with the kids when I got home

The dogs being happy to see me

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April 9, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  This card does not have the same sense of darkness as RWS.  It does have a sense of heartbreak and betrayal

Book:  Emptiness, feeling of paralysis, over thinking, end of old cycle

Guidance:  Embrace faith and trust.  Accept things as they are

Affirmation:  I Trust

Journaling

I don’t normally like the ten of swords because it is a stabbed in the back/heartbreak card, but I like how this one is portrayed as if all the pain is coming out and it is cleansing in the same way that Dreamer 10 (Tarot of the Sidhe) feels.  And it does feel as if I’m going through a cathartic release right now.

April 16, 2017 Revisit

It still feels cleansing and cathartic to let all the blood and pain come out.  I actually feel happier and more grounded than I have in a long time.

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October 21, 2016

Deck:  Faerie Tarot

First Impressions:  Demands from every angle, betrayal, knives in the back

Book:  Failure, dead end choices, learning lessons the hard way, thinking things to death, situation is not as bad as it looks, people acting against seeker

Guidance:  Trust, do not overthink, a new day will dawn

Journaling

It actually wasn’t that bad of day today.  I let go of worrying about the future and all that was or was not going to happen and just trusted.  I trusted that somehow it is all going to work out.  One thing I have found is that working with tarot is that it really keeps me grounded din the present.  The card a day stays with me and I focus on what I need to do today.

May 25, 2018 Revisit

Tarot does help keep me grounded and it is a reminder that there is a world outside of my little world.  Going to the cemetery reminds me of the same thing as sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my world at this very moment that I forget that there is a great big world out there where what’s going on in my world really doesn’t matter.

The one thing about myself that I’m starting to realize is that there are times that I exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I find myself feeling empty even when life is going really well and I get overly attached to people.  I also find myself concerned about what other people are thinking about me and feeling as if I may be stabbed in the back.   A lot of this is making it all about me and that is not healthy to me.

I have to work hard to keep myself from making inappropriate outbursts or flat out asking if I am going to be fired.  I seem to have no sense of worth and if I am not constantly being praised, I am afraid people don’t like me.  This is not a good way to live and I’m realizing that the time in my life when I was not feeling like this was when I was in Al-Anon.  When I was doing program work, I felt so much more centered and balanced

January 14, 2022 Revisit

Interesting to reflect on this and I realize that a lot of why I might have felt constantly on edge about my job when I was a consultant is you really are always on the bubble.  The only time you are really safe is when you are on a project and then you have to bend over and kiss ass to not get let go.  I hadn’t realized until I read this how much that stress constantly weighed on me.  I felt like every time I made a misstep I was going to get a pink slip.  I don’t feel that weigh at the Big Bird because I know it is a huge process to let someone go and I know I am doing a good job.  I don’t necessarily love my job, but I am realizing that I do feel much safer and more secure than I did as a consultant.

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September 14, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled reversed

Initial Impressions:  The beads in his hair came loose, but there is no blood.  Are the beads supposed to represent the blood?  Reversed, this card says to me that someones cares are falling away.

Book:  Opportunity arises for liberation and change.  The ultimate battle is with yourself.  Work on the issue and find the courage to rise again.  You will endure and persevere.

Guidance:  Have the courage to love again.  Trust that he loves you.  Be open.

Journaling

Hope is such a good thing and there are days it is in short supply because I get mired in all the details.  For me, this card speaks to cares and worries falling away and about the weirdness being gone.  Reversed this card is about opening up.

December 22, 2017
Interesting as I read this card over a year later, what I see is someone being impaled by the swords versus them falling away.  I’ve quit reading reversals so if I was to read this card today, I would see it as the worst having been done.  The nine of swords is about nightmares and in some ways this card is about the nightmare coming true.  However, the one thing that I have learned in my life is that sometimes it is okay when the other shoe has dropped and you know for sure where you’re at.  For me, it is harder to deal with the uncertainty and the worry than with cold hard facts.  With cold hard facts, you can come up with a plan to actually address what’s going on.

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May 29, 2016

Ten of Fire Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

First Impressions:  Being overwhelmed by loss and grieving, Dreams going up in smoke, clearing away the old to make room for the new.

Journaling:

I’m at a point in my life right now where I truly understand that fire and loss happen to make way for the new.  It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt or that it isn’t hard to look at the devastation, but it means I need to start from scratch.  I’m sure there are parts of my old life that I will always miss and love, but the earth has been prepped for new growth and it is time to move on.

December 29, 2017

This card makes me think of the poor people who have lost everything in the California fires.  There is such devastation, but from a land perspective it has cleared away debris and given the land a chance to start from scratch.  As I think through the times in my life when I have been down and faced loss, I’m realizing that I never really had to start from scratch as I always had my intelligence, the money I had in the bank, and relationships.  I’ve always had some kind of foundation to start with.  I don’t know if everyone is that lucky or if there are some people who truly are starting over from scratch.

April 2, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Self contained, taking care of herself, channeling good thoughts

Book:  Stability, saving, success, accepting your worth

Guidance:   Put your energy in the right place

Journaling:

I love this reminder to put energy in the right place.  One of the things that I like the least about my job is that it is so filled with drama.  I am a drama llama at heart and working at this place brings up all those old feelings and love of gossip.  There is so much intrigue and BS.  It really is the most dysfunctional place that I have every worked.  I know the lesson for me is to let go of the drama and not feed into it, but I’m not sure how to do that when it surrounds me.  I do know that there are some places where it truly is the place and the only way to escape the drama is to leave.  I’m not in a position to do that yet so I have to figure out how to make this work for another year.

As I reflect a little more on this card, I realize that part of the message is to not put my energy into the drama.  I can put my energy into work.  I can remind myself that YMAN is an idiot and I can just let it all go.

Where:  I’m writing this a day late.  I was home all day yesterday working on school work.  Mostly just hanging out on the couch.  Sean and I did go to a Monsters Game last night and it was nice to get out and be around people.

Weather:  It was nice yesterday, but today it snowed 😦

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 2%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:08 am / 7:53 pm

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February 22, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Protecting what’s mine, ignoring what’s going on in the world

Book:  Stability, savings, success, being in flow with the universe, accepting your worth

Guidance:   Look at your finances and save some and give some

Journaling:

This was an interesting card to pull today as I received the notification that Sean’s Sallie Mae loans are due and I’m contemplating the best way to handle them.  I know that he is actively looking for a job and that he is depressed about not having found one.  I also know that even though the trips make no logical sense, they give him something to look forward to and to get excited about and that’s important for his mental health.  He’s getting the ticket for free from his Southwest rewards and I’ll see if I have any free rooms I can give him, it will be all right.

I also know that I need to trust that we will have enough.  We have always had enough before and there is no reason to think that we won’t going forward.  I also know that I need to stop spending and that’s a big reason I’ve stopped going anywhere except the grocery store.  The more that I avoid places where I can spend money, the less I will spend.  I have credit cards for disasters and I’m working on paying those off to get to zero balance.  It will all be all right.

Where I’m At:  I’m sitting on the couch contemplating going to work.  I took Wendy out and she’s now lumbered upstairs to be with Sean.  I love quiet mornings in my messy house.  There is such a sense of peace and satisfaction in knowing I’m able to provide for myself and others.  It’s hard and I don’t really like having to work for the company I do, but I did all this myself.  And I am finally starting to trust that I will be able to provide for myself.

Mood:  I’m feeling peaceful this morning and at ease.  I got my homework done yesterday and I have a plan for getting the rest of it done.  Life is good.

Weather:   It’s 47 and raining out, but it finally feels like a warm spring rain and not the cold icky winter rains that we’ve been having.  Maybe spring is finally coming.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 66%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:11 am/ 6:09 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Book:  Honoring the life source that sustains, best insurance for survival is the community

Guidance:  Give with generosity, receive with gratitude, do not depend on what we own for a sense of security, reexamine your relationship with money and material possessions

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me as it seems the people who share their wealth are happy while the hoarder is unhappy and looking with envy at those who give so freely.  The other lesson I’m getting from this is that true happiness does not come from money.  I already know that, but I feel so overwhelmed by bills and the need to pay them and get out of debt that I don’t feel I have the wherewithal to step back financially and take a job that makes me happy.  However, I also know that I am learning lessons at my current job that I might not be able to learn anywhere else so I need to learn the lessons and trust that I am being guided toward my future.

I do know that I need to start building alternative streams of income to get my debt paid off and once that is done, I will have more flexibility in terms of salary.  I would love to volunteer at one of the hospitals as a chaplain, but I have absolutely no strength for that.  I’m really hoping that the allergy solution will help me feel better.  It is so horrible to wake up every morning and have no energy and have my face hurt so bad because my sinuses are swollen.

One of the other meanings of this card that wasn’t covered in the LWB for the World Spirit Tarot was guarding your heart and this is something that I know that I do.  I am so terrified of getting hurt that I don’t let very many people in.  It is really hard for me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  I’m getting better as I’ve been around people who have really proven themselves to be trust worthy, but it is still hard for me to trust.

Deck:  Rider Waite Smith

First Impressions:  Protecting parts of myself

Book:  Grasping and being insecure does not buy security, what would it take to find something that fulfilled you?

Guidance:  Look carefully at what you are clinging to and are you clinging in an unhealthy way?

Journaling

I know that most people view this card as negative, but I view it as a reminder to conserve my energy and protect what’s mine.  This can and does raise the question as to whether I’m clinging to something that doesn’t work for me?  Am I holding on to things that I should let go of?  There is also a case of fear and potentially hanging on to something that is not right for me.  These are questions I need to reflect on.  I know I’m ready to let go of John and Charlene.  And as an aside I’m very proud of myself for calling her Charlene and not honoring her by calling her mom.  That is huge for me.

December 25, 2018 Revisit

For me, this has always been a card about protecting what is mine and it has always been more about emotional protection than about protecting wealth.  However, as I enter this year of vulnerability, I’m realizing that I need to open up and risk my heart getting broken.  That being said, I don’t think that protecting my heart up until now was bad.  I think I needed to protect my heart because I was not strong enough and fierce enough to allow myself to be vulnerable.

I’ve learned that before I can be strong enough to be vulnerable and open myself up to love, I have to know that I am fierce and strong and courageous.  By knowing those things, I know that I am strong enough to protect myself if something goes wrong.  That is an amazing realization.

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January 3, 2018

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card Name:  Four of Earth

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and the essence of the four of pentacles is captured with the Sphinx sitting on the golden towers. All seeing, guarding treasure

Book: How you define your life limits your life, you are asked to define and claim your life, life is about more than one possesses, it is about what one leaves behind.

Guidance:  Definitions work two ways, helping you understand reality and separating your perception from reality; find your own reality, define your own reality, honor what you have to work with.

Journaling: 

I am intrigued by this card as the traditional four of earth (pentacles) is about being a miser and hoarding.  I’m wondering if the wisdom of this card is that if in hoarding wealth or knowledge it doesn’t grow.  When we nurture our wisdom and money without hoarding it, they can grow and change and become something else.  I like the idea of redefining a position based on moving words around and challenging beliefs.  I am finding that as I choose to do affirmations and open my heart and mind to new ways of thinking, life starts to change.  It is also about being honest and being willing to ask for help and accept guidance

January 20, 2018 Revisit

It is amazing how making a deliberate decision to change our lives, then doing the magickal and physical work to make that happens really helps.  I’m choosing to let go of the past and doing affirmations and spells to make that happen.  I’m also making deliberate decisions to not put myself in situations that will suck me back int my longings and old behavior.  It’s really hard, but every time I make a decision to not do something, to not visit Chicago, to not make a phone call, to not text, etc., I feel better about myself and that makes it easier to make the right decision the next time.

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April 9, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Let go and quit hoarding

Book: Holding on to things you should let go of,.  Moving quickly through fear based changes

Guidance:  Fear solves nothing.  Think positively.  Let go of fear and open yourself to love.

Affirmation:  I let go of fear

Journaling

this hits so close to home and ums up so much of what I’ve been feeling lately.  I have to let go of so much fear and blockage that is keeping me from love.  However, my body is releasing crap.  As much as I hate the physical releasing, I know that they are releasing a boatload of karmic and old family garbage.  Being here is kind of weird as it is making me face why I walked away from people who were in my life since I was born.  The truth of the matter is that I wasn’t strong enough to deal with the questions and judgemntalism.  The people of my past thought my whole life was an open book and that they had the right to continually give me unsolicted advice.  I didn’t deserve that and I never did.

I’ve always deserved people in my life who treat me as competent and capable.

May 14, 2017 Revisit

A part of me wonders if those relationships would be different because I’ve changed, but since those folks haven’t and their going to just try to drag me back into the crap.

January 9, 2022 Revisit

One of the best lessons from program was that unsolicited advice or comments are not helpful.  Sitting in meetings and knowing that I could talk about what was truly bothering me without having to hear a bunch of garbage advice was priceless.  Maybe that is why Y at work bothers me so much as she is so bossy and full of unsolicted advice.  However, her bullshit is a good reminder to not give others unsolicited advice.

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December 31, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Open up, be generous

Book:  Letting go, sharing, releasing what has been hoarded

Guidance:  Open your heart, let go of all the anger

Journaling

I love this image of the four of pentacles with all of the pentacles held over his heart.  To me the message from this card is to let go of all the hurt I’m holding there.  I’m still holding on to anger and hurt from childhood and it’s time to let all of that go.  There is no value in holding on to those hurts.  I understand now how they’e negatively impacted me.

I need to hold on to all the lessons and let go of the pain and anger.  The same is true for my marriage.  I need to learn the lessons and let go.  There is nothing to be gained by holding on to the pain,

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God and Goddess, Dearly Beloveds

Please help me to let go of the anger and pain I feel over incidents that happened so long ago.  Help me to let go of shame, anger, guilt and all of those emotions that have no place in my life today.  In place of these emotions, please help me to embrace loving kindness.  Help me to realize that all of these slights and pain were more about the person who inflicted them than about me.

Help me to open my heart to love and goodness .  Let me know that opening my heart to love and goodness does not mean putting up with abuse.

Blessings,

Raine

I’m realizing now how screwed up my idea of love, especially unconditional love is.  From my mother, I learned that loving someone meant letting them abuse you and walk all over you, but you still had to be there for  them.  I cannot remember how many times Grandma was horrid to her, and she kept going back for more.

I don’t know why, but it is something we all do to a certain extent.  There is this hunger for and desire for family and we all have it.  We all want want families to love us even when they are incapable of unconditional love.

July 1, 2018 Revisit

I needed to hear this today and remember that we all want to be loved.  I’m also starting to have more compassion for my mother as I realize that all she wanted was the same unconditional love from her mother that I wanted.  Maybe she thought that she could get it by giving more and loving more.  Maybe she was like me when I first went to Al Anon and thought it could change me into someone that John would love.  Maybe she thought that if she kept going back eventually her mother would change and would love her.

Maybe all of what I’ve viewed as her being controlling and manipulative was about her trying to help me avoid some of the pain she faced.  I don’t know the answer to any of that, but I do know that I can’t live being half a person.  I have to be my full self and not go after my dreams and wants because of someone else.

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October 5, 2016

Deck:  Hanson Roberts Tarot

First Impressions:  The man is clearly hoarding his wealth and holding on to it so tightly that he has no room/capacity to pick up anything else.  By holding so tightly, he cannot embrace someone, enjoy a painting, or anything else.  It is almost as if his wealth is holding him prisoner.  This card is definitely someone who is holding his money and being stingy.

Book:  Building wealth, rootedness, using money to protect from feelings of inner loss, holding back, can be protective.

Guidance:  Hold back energy at work

Journaling:

I am so incredibly happy to be home.I’m still not positive of what the lessons of this card are.  On the one hand, I see the cautions against being a miser, but I also see the wisdom of not being completely open and giving.  There is nothing wrong with holding something back for ourselves.  As I say a lot, my life cannot just be for other people, there has to be something in it for me as well.

December 23, 2017 Revisit

This is a loaded card for me, especially lately.  One of my most hated lessons from my mother was that my life was all about everyone else.  Anytime I wanted to do something, she always asked how John or the kids felt about it.  I was supposed to give everything I had to other people until there was nothing left for me.  John continued this lesson because even though he was home all day with the kids and I worked, I was supposed to come home and clean house and cook dinner until I had nothing for me.  Because of the lessons I had learned from my mother, I accepted this and didn’t push back.

I’ve learned a lot about balance over the last seven years and I’ve gotten a lot better of taking care of myself.  I no longer care if people call me selfish or think I’m making life all about me, I know that I need to take care of myself first.  If I do not take care of myself, there will be nothing left to give to anyone else.

Deck:  Sacred Traveler Oracle

First Impressions:  Seeing and exploring the beautiful world around us

Book:  Be open to support from others, sometimes support comes from where you least expect it

Guidance:  Support is all around you

Major Events this Week:  This will be another rough week

Journaling

I love this card as it is about opening yourself up to the goodness of the universe and trusting that the right messages will come at the right time.  I know this to be true because I have experienced it over and over in my life.  I always used to ask how come other people didn’t get messages.  For instance, when people chose not to get on a plane that crashed, I always wondered why other people didn’t get the message.  What I’m starting to realize is that the message was most likely out there for everyone to pick up on, but some people choose to ignore messages.  I don’t know if that makes me totally comfortable either, but it is the best that I can come up with and I will keep working on strengthening my connection.

This card challenges us to develop synesthesia which occurs when our senses become integrated.  For instance, we might listen to music and not only hear it, but also see it.  We may smell a rose and think about what it sounds like.