Category: Uncategorized

 May 22, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Overseeing, flight, seen from above

Book: Justice, karma, integrity, honesty, self examination of motive

Guidance:  Justice is not and cannot be blind

Journaling:

This is an interesting card to pull after my reading yesterday and my dreams.  I dreamed of the night that John beat me and my brain tried to figure out an out.  How could I have escaped the situation and had him face the justice that he deserves.  I don’t know if there is another way out.  However, I do know that he is facing his karma right now.  His karma is that he lives alone in a house that he can’t even afford to maintain.  I know there are pieces of my house that I need to fix, but when my window cracked, I had the money to  fix it.

It makes me mad that he isn’t paying for his crimes through the courts, but maybe this is better.  He is alone and broke.  They are telling me that I need to let it go and know that he is facing what he needs to face.

Where:   I’ve been hanging out on the couch all day.  There are days I just feel so trapped and as if I should really get out and move around more.  I know I would probably feel better if I got up and around, but the inertia is really hard to overcome.

Weather:  It is actually really nice outside.  It is a little chilly, but not too cold.  

Moon Phase:  Last Quarter, 53%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:59 / 846

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April 13, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Not firmly balanced, a little off kilter

Book:  Justice, karma, integrity, honesty, self examination of motive

Guidance:  Justice is not and cannot be blind

Journaling:

There is so much juiciness in the reading for this card.  The self examination of motive talks to me today because sometimes I do have ulterior motives.  I’m asking that about my conversation with John yesterday.  Did I want to put the Quality team down so I looked like a savior?  To be honest, I don’t think so because they could have reached out to John directly and expressed their feelings.  I was trying to make it about the situation and not about people.  I think I was clumsy in my attempt, but I do think my motives to have everyone get along were pure.

The other piece that speaks to me is that justice cannot be blind.  I think that justice should be blind, but isn’t.  And because justice is not blind for rich white dudes who can afford the best lawyers, it can’t be blind for poor people of color.  Justice has to take into account the systematic issues that created some situations.  However, I do think there are crimes where their our no systematic issues and the criminals are just jerks (i.e. Cam’s assailant).

Where: It’s 6:45 in the morning and I’m sitting in my Modesto hotel room getting ready for the day to start.  I love having first things in the morning to sit and reflect and meditate.  It is a little sliver of alone time.  I need to figure out how to make this work at home.

Weather: It’s currently 39 degrees out, but it is clear and will be up to 65 today.  It looks like it will be one of those warm and sunny California days

Moon Phase:  Waning, Gibbous, 87

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:30 am / 7:38 PM

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 December 28, 2021

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Balance, fierce, no mercy, mysterious

Book:  Power weilded with both intelligence and impartiality

Journaling

The Amhaeng-Eosa were secret royal inspectors in the Joseon Kingdom (1392-1897) of Korea who were appointed directly by the king.  They were sent out to uncover corruption and punish wrong doers.  As I reflect on their mission and this card, I realize that that there is much in this card that can apply to my personal life.  

Be Balanced

For me, yin-yang symbol in this card reminds me that sometimes I need to be forthcoming about who I am and what I want and other times I need to be less circumspect.  This is interesting for me as historicaly, I have liked to be front and center with my needs as I’m afraid that if I don’t say what I want, I wont’ get it.  I have never been one for hiding in the shadows and waiting to be introduced.  However, as I reflect on this card I realize that sometimes there is value in staying in the shadows and observing.  I do know from my professional world that sometimes there is tremendous benefit in watching and observing.  You can learn a lot from people by observing their behavior when they don’t know they are being watched.

Own Your Identity

The secret royal inspectors carried mapae with them.  These mapae served a dual purpose as they had horses carved on them and the secret royal inspector was entitled to commandeer as many horses as were carved on the mapae.  These mapae were also used to identify the secret royal inspectors.  For me, this means owning my identity and being true to who I am.

Know Your Boundaries

The Amhaeng-Eosa were backed by the king, as evidenced by the palance on this card.  They had set authority and tasks they were expected to complete.  This translates to boundaries for me as I need to know what my authority is and what I’m willing to accept from other people.  In the past, I have not been good about maintaining boundaries and I have let other people walk all over me.

Enforcement

The sword is how I enforce my boundaries.  Swords were used in the past to settle disputes and to punish wrong doers.  While I may not physically wield a sword to cut the head off a wrong doer, I can wield a sword to enforce my boundaries by being clear about what I will and will not accept.  This is a good reminder for me as I have a boss who believes in playing nice and maintaining the peace.  However, my past experience has taught me that there are people in this world that you need to be firm with and that you need to be very clear to the point of being harsh about what is and is not acceptable.  Although this doesn’t always win friends, it is important to stand up for yourself.

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September 4, 2019

Deck: Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Seeing justice

Book:  Wisdom and balance, need to think about the consequences of our actions

Guidance:  Carefully weigh the outcomes to make sure you achieve balance before acting

Journaling

This is an interesting card for me right now because I feel like my life is all tangled up in the justice system and that my family’s happiness depends upon what 12 random people decide about a random person who choose to hurt my daughter.  When I put it that way, it seems ridiculous that I would give those 12 random people so much power over my happiness, but my random brain and my emotions are not always connected and there is a part of me deep down inside that doesn’t believe in trusting justice.  At the heart of all of this is a lack of trust as it is so difficult for me to trust anyone even people who have proven themselves over and over to be trustworthy.

My fear / distrust of the justice system is also driven by the fact that when I was in high school and hit by a truck, the justice system refused to award me just compensation.  The insurance company was allowed to not pay out and when we went to court, we did not receive just compensation.  I believe that lies at my fear of the justice system, the belief that for some reason justice will not prevail.  That is an interesting and odd way to look at things, but I think that is at the heart of a lot of what I’m feeling.  I feel as if the justice system proved itself untrustworthy once so why should I trust it again.  Even though my brain knows that this is a completely different situation, my heart still thinks that justice is messed up.  I think the only thing that is going to help is time and patience and repeatedly letting go of my fears.

Gratitude

I’m grateful that Scott told me what OV said

I’m grateful for the good call with Doty

I’m grateful for the good conversation with John

I’m grateful that I got a good night’s sleep

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

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May 30, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit tarot

First impressions:  Fairness, sense of honesty

Book:  Seeing all sides clearly, taking responsibility for our actions

Guidance:  Be honest with yourself and others

Journaling

I don’t like this reading today.  I picked this card because the bastard that raped my daughter was arrested this week and I want him to get justice.  Okay, that’s not truly accurate as I want vengeance.  I want him to suffer the worst that life has to offer.  I want his body, mind, and soul to be destroyed.  However, I don’t trust the justice system to deliver anything anywhere near justice.  He has pleaded guilty and has a public defender, which means the odds are more in our favor than if he could afford a private attorney, but I still don’t trust the justice system.

Lady Justice,

Please let him pay for his crimes.

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Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love this card as it shows justice in a triangle with the sun the bottom and her holding two arms of the triangle.  It is a striking card.  Justice is blind.  Reversed this card says I’m not making balanced decisions.

Book:  Pausing for a self check, not recognizing we are out of balance, psychic imbalance

Guidance:  Embrace the chaos, live in love, take time to balance your energy

Journaling:

Interesting card as I could read this many ways.  I could read it as being out of balance and listening to other people instead of myself.  I could also read it as a perversion of justice and things that should happen, not flowing they way they should.  I think i’m just going to sit with it and see what happens.

January 25, 2018 Update

This card is again a warning that I’m out of balance.  This week was physically rough as I got pulled in multiple directions for OCM and had to be responsive even though I had no extra time.  I am mindful of people pulling  my consultants in multiple directions, but there is no one who does that for me.  I’m left to my own devices with people continually tugging on me.  The problem is that it it really isn’t a lot of work, but the distractions make me lose focus.

On the plus side, I’ve been getting better about managing my own energy needs and saying no to things that are just energy sucks.  It isn’t always easy, but I’m doing it.

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Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Balance

Book:  Emerging from darkness and confusion, unqualified search for truth, internal need for equilibrium

Guidance: Become in harmony with laws of nature, obtaining balance, time for work and action, create one’s own journey

Affirmation:  I create my own joy

Journaling

Interesting card to pull as I’m struggling with my inner darkness and emptiness.  I want to be happy but that’s hard to do when I’m lonely and I don’t just want random people in my life.  I want meaningful relationships. 

May 19, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Pushing forward, magick wand, sunshine, creativity

Book:  Initial spark, courage, energy, beginning ideas

Guidance: Pen to paper starts the plan

Journaling:

I actually love this card as i can see it in so many ways.  It is about lighting the way through the darkness, it is creativity, it is figuring out how to make things happen.  One of the things that I have learned is that sometimes it is enough to put pen to paper then set it aside.  The very act of writing down the plan creates momentum.  I look through some of my old journals and I am amazed to see what has actually come true.

I think having a spark of creativity is also important as I’m facing serious health challenges.  I am exhausted all the time and taking small steps to do little things to be creative is important.

Where: I’m just hanging at home today with the kids and dogs

Weather:  It was hot today.  We took the doggos out briefly, but they had no desire to stay outside.  Just like us, they just want to hang out in the air conditioning

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 84%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:01 am / 8:43 pm

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February 27, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Meditation, creativity, third eye, flames

Book:  New ideas, arrival of inspiration, interconnectedness, manifestation

Guidance:   Open your heart to new beginnings

Journaling:

I love this card and the thought of opening myself to new beginnings.  I’ve been super depressed lately and bogged down with all the ickiness in the world, but I think it is time to let go of all of that and focus on the good that is in the world and what I can do to create a life that I love.  One big step that I have taken lately is to stop going out to stores as much.  During the pandemic, I wanted to go out because I felt trapped, but now that the world is opening back up, it is so much easier to just say no.  I don’t need anything and the more stuff I surround myself with, the harder it is to be creative because there is no space to create.  

When I think about how life should be simple and should just come down to the basics, it reminds me that the more clutter there is in my head and in my house, the harder it is to be creative.  I need to work to open up room to create.  I think that is going to be my focus for the next little while, opening up space to create.

Where I’m At:  It is a clear and beautiful Sunday morning out and I’m sitting on the couch hanging out with the doggos.  Clark is snuggled under the sleeping bag and Wendy is on the orange chair.  It feels peaceful today despite all the crap that is going on in the world.

Weather:  It is clear and a little warmer today as it is 35 degrees

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent 13%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 6:15 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Lighting the way, light in the darkness

Book: Brilliant sunrise, life, creative passion

Guidance:  Take action and follow your bliss

Journaling:

For me, the Ace of Wands is that divine spark of inspiration, that magical moment when an amazing thought comes to you out of nowhere and it creates magic.  It is the first time that humans realized they could make a torch by lighting fire from a lightening strike and there was portable light.  It’s Ben Franklin discovering electricity.  It’s all those times when an amazing thought come to people and they acted upon it to make reality. 

One of the things we all need to learn about that divine spark is that we need to nurture it, protect it and help it grow beyond the little flame at the end of a stick.  We need to work with others to help it grow and become something real.  Sometimes I think there is a potential to want to protect our little spark baby too much and not share it. When that happens, the spark might end up dying and not coming into fruition.  However, having too many people or the wrong people involved in nurturing  the spark can also be a bad thing as that can mean that the little spark gets smothered or that people with no creativity may put the spark out because they don’t believe in it.  I know there have been times in my life when the little spark was doused because someone (usually John or Charlene) doused it and made me feel as if my dreams didn’t matter or like they were unattainable. 

One of the best things about living the life I live now is that I own my dreams and I am responsible for whether or not they come true.  Additionally, I get to choose the people that I have in my life which means that I only choose people who nurture and support my dreams and don’t bring people into my life who are going to smash my dreams.  And if they do attempt to smash my dreams, they get kicked out of my life.

July 31, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Journaling

This card feels like a beacon telling me that my creativity does have value and that I need to nurture it and see where it will take me.  I’ve been working on more creative things lately like my tarot of change book, poetry, blogging, etc.  The problem is that I just feel so weak and tired all the time and have absolutely no energy.  Hopefully, the detox we are doing will help address that issue and I will start feeling better.

Inspiration for me can come from so many places as I get inspired by nature, I get inspired by learning new things, and I get inspired by thinking of all the good stuff that the world has to offer.  For me all of those things are tied together and when I am in a good space and have energy, I let my creativity roam and life is very good.

The Ace of Wands can also be about letting the fire burn and burn away that which no longer serves me.  It can be about choosing to let go of anger and pain and all that is holding me back.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the yummy detox soup

I’m grateful for John’s help

I’m grateful for snuggling with Wendy

I’m grateful for getting paid

I’m grateful for being able to pay my bills

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June 1, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

Journaling

I love this card because it feels like the fire in my soul is being lit by all the fires of the universe.  For me it is a reminder to take inspiration from wherever I can find it.  Some days that inspiration will come from within my soul and other days it will come from those around me.  As I think about that spark of inspiration, I’m reminded of the importance of being vulnerable and being open to sharing with others.  When we are open with others and admit our weaknesses and strengths, we can feed off of one another and propel ourselves to greater things that any of us could become alone.

One of the things that I’ve found to be true in life is that drama really kills the creative spirit because it takes all of the inspiration and instead of feeding creativity, it feeds the drama and that is all that everyone thinks about and notices.  I’ve been working so hard lately to live a drama free life and to not let myself get all caught up in who said what and about who thinks what.  I used to be such a drama llama and I’m realizing that it was because I thought I was nothing unless everyone was noticing me so I would create or embrace drama because I got validation and people were paying attention to me.  However, since I’ve let go of the need to be the center of attention, my life is so much more peaceful.

Letting go of drama has also helped me to find time to be creative and to learn more about myself and the more I let go of the drama, the more time and energy that I have to feed my soul and to feed my creativity.  I have to really honest and say that John fed my drama queen attitudes because it was difficult to get attention from him unless we were fighting.  Drama became an addiction and when there was no drama, life felt drab and meaningless.  I’ve learned since that life without drama is really good because it lets me relax and have peace in my soul.

May 15, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  I don’t like cards that are outside the structure of tarot.  It just makes me feel uncomfortable as it feels like messing with something sacred.  That being said, I actually really do like this card as it feels sacred.  There is a Virgin of Guadalupe looking over the water fall and a there is a goddess under the waterfall.  I also love how the trees are drawn. 

Book:  Divinity, nurturing, inspiration, community, cosmos

Guidance: You are never alone–Divinity is part of your pack at all times, and you can gather what you need

Journaling:

I needed this card today as I have been feeling so alone.  I’ve felt like the Goddess has abandoned me and that I’m left in this hard and confusing world.  I feel both personally abandoned and abandoned on a cosmic level as well.  People are being shot in the grocery stores, in churches, and all of the violence in the world just feels like anger as at a level never seem before and I don’t even hurt anymore.  It is just so overwhelming and I feel so abandoned and as if nothing matters.  I have to be honest and say that I feel dead inside because the world is falling apart.  There were 10 people shot while grocery shopping and I feel shock and horror, but it feels hard to feel deep feelings because there has been so much pain and violence in the world lately.

It is also hard to feel a purpose when I feel that nothing I do matters and that I am just a wage slave.  There is so much I want to do with my life, but I am trapped into a job that I hate and that I have to keep working to support everyone.  I just feel overwhelmed.

However, I also know that doing some meditation work would help.

Where:  I’m home and I spent the day getting ready for the window people.  I got the living room and dining room cleaned and the kitchen mostly cleaned.  It feels so good to have a clean house.  The energy just felt as it kept getting lighter and lighter.

Weather:  Today was a beautiful day.  It was a little chilly, but overall nice

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous, 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:05 am / 8:39 pm

May 11, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  serenity, abundance, love overflowing, peace

Book:  Love, grace, healing, nourishment, awareness

Guidance: Regeneration comes from spiritual gifts

Journaling:

Today felt like a day of grace.  It felt so good to help someone and to be able to provide tangible support to someone who needed it.  The only downside is that it also makes me aware how totally worthless my job is.  The only worthwhile part of my job is my paycheck.  Other than that, I’m just working to keep a huge company that makes crappy product in business.

There has to be more to life than that, but I’m not sure how to get there because I need a certain paycheck to survive and keep a roof over my head.  There are jobs that look really good and I would be doing something that really matters, but I don’t know how to get from here to there.  I guess I just continue to pray and reflect.

Where: I’m home today and it was a good day.  We had a meeting to talk about K’s situation and it feels like I really did a good thing today.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely beautiful today.  It is finally starting to feel like spring.  I’m not a big one for hot weather, but it felt nice outside

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 74%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:09 / 8:35

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Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Joy, peace, overflowing with goodness, happiness

Book:  Love, grace, nourishment, awareness

Guidance:  Regeneration comes from spiritual gifts

Journaling:

I love the weekends as I get to focus on what is important to me and don’t have to deal with work crap.  I also feel like I am more clearheaded and focused on what is important to me.  I really wish that I could just walk away from my job right now, but I can’t as I really want to get vested and be able to walk away with my retirement money.  However, I do know that I can start planning for what life after the bird looks like.

Where: It’s Saturday and I’m chilling out with the dogs in the living room.  I’ve worked hard today though as this paper is killing me.  Of course, part of it is my own fault a I am really good about going down rabbit holes

Weather:  It is clear and sunny, but a little cold out

Moon Phase:  Full Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:42 am / 8:08 pm

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March 16, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Magic, mystery, heart centered, feeling the love, a fancy coffee drink

Book:  Awakening the heart, newfound emotions, joy, bliss, creativity

Guidance:   Consciously connect with the world

Journaling:

The world feels black and scary and it feels like love is not enough against men with tanks and guns.  It feels like hate is the only answer and I hate to say it that today it feels like hate is stronger than love.  It also feels like there is no point to loving because everything can be taken away in an instant.  However, even though life can be taken away in an instance, there is still a need for love.  Love is what gets me up in the morning.  I hate my job, but I love my kids and dogs and want to provide for them.  Love is what keeps me going when I feel like I can’t read another minute of my research assignments.  Love is what keeps me going when it feels like there is nothing in the world that matters.  

Love does matter.  And it is the love of country, love of family, that keep Ukraine fighting.  It is love of our fellow man that has good people putting their lives on the line.  And it is love that keeps our hearts open.  If we all stop loving and stop caring, the world will be a dark and horrible place.  So even though somedays it is hard to fill my heart with love, that is the right thing to do.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch while Cam crunches cereal and Clark looks at me with adoring eyes.  Sean is taking off to see his dad today.

Weather:  It is 43 and sunny today.  

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 96%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:36 am / 7:34 pm

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First Impressions:  Maintaining emotional stability

Book:  High emotions and positive feelings

Guidance:  Enjoy a surge of emotions, particularly love, joy, and hope

Journaling

Listening to Cam’s testimony this evening was one of the hardest things I’ve every done as I needed to help her by asking hard questions when all I wanted to do was comfort her.  However, even though I am angry about what happened, I am so glad that she survived and I am so glad that I am able to be kind and supportive to her.  She’s stressed, but she is doing an amazing job of holding up and I am so proud of her.  I did feel a surge of love today as I realized how much love I am surrounded by and it is a good feeling to know that I am in a position to both give and receive love.  After Sean got home, the three of us sat and talked and laughed for a while before going to bed.  Our home is full of such love and support and even when one of us is cranky, we are able to love and support each other.

As I write this, I’m listening to the band Ace of Cups and feeling such peace and joy.  I love their story as they started as a band in the 1960s, but never received a recording contract.  Now there is a resurgence in interest in their music and they are recording.  It is such a great story.  It also made me realize the true power of connection as I discovered there music a few months ago and when I went to Lisa’s site today to read about the card, I found they had sent her a note about the deck.  That just made me feel so connected and full of Goddess love.

June 16, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Overflowing with emotion, being emotionally whole

Book:  Beginning of journey through the suit of water, symbolizing love, the emotions, intuition, realm of the heart,

Guidance:  Remember that the law of the universe is Love, spread Joy, drink from the fountain and be inspired by the beauty and harmony of the Ace of Cups

Journaling:  

I’ve awakened the last few mornings with Wendy snuggled up against me and

she smiles when she seems I’m there.  I love that baby doggy so much.  She is so loving and kind and I love to see her smile.  She has become so much more outgoing since we had her and she is smiling more and more.  She’s also learning that cuddling doesn’t mean having to be on top of me and that it can mean just laying beside me while I pet her.  That is huge for her.  She is also the one being in my life who loves with a truly open heart.  She loves me unconditionally and I matter so much to her that just being around her fills me with love.

Being around Wendy and seeing her unconditional love for our family is really helping me to open my heart to love unconditionally.  If she can choose to love and be kind when she was neglected and abused, who am i to choose not to love when I have people in my life that love me.  Every time I snuggle with her I am reminded of the power of love to change lives.

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December 30, 2016

Ace of Cups Gilded Tarot

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the phases of the moon above the cup, but I don’t really like the eye looking down.  For me that is kind of creepy.  This card is about emotional fulfillment.

Book:  Infinite supply of love, spiritual gifts, relationship opportunities, peaceful, grateful, feeling enriched, purity of emotions

Guidance:  Deepen your capacity for love

Journaling:

The ace of cups is such a hopeful card!  It reminds me that to receive love I have to open myself up and be willing to receive.  This is why I’ve been doing a lot of work with my solar plexus chakra.  I have to be open to receiving love and that’s not something that I’m always comfortable with..  I sometimes avoid showing up in life and that’s unfortunate for me.  I still want someone in my life, but I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I need to be comfortable with me.  I’m not going to spend my life waiting for something that may never be.

Dearest Ones,
I surrender my feelings to you and I know that you have the perfect person for me.  Please help me to be patient and to love the life I have.  Also, please help me to truly show up in life and guide me to the opportunities and experiences that are right for me.

Blessed Be,
Raine

It always amazes me how calm and centered I feel after praying and turning things over.  It isn’t always easy but a sense of calmness washes over me when I am able to get out of my own way and communicate with the divine.

December 30, 2017

It still amazes me how praying helps me to feel better about anything that is going on.  It just brings that intense feeling of peace that lasts throughout the day.  I’ve also found that if I pray on a regular basis, I am better able to respond to situations and to think more clearly.

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December 13, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I have mixed feelings about this card.  I love the moon phases, but they eye always strikes me as a little creepy.  The Ace of Cups is about emotional fulfillment.

Book:  Idealism, romance, spiritual love is meant to guide us, drawn along by feelings, do not run, giving or receiving love or blessings.

Guidance:  Do not run from your emotions, identify and express your feelings.

Journaling

This is a hard card for me to receive today.  I’m feeling mired in feelings of aloneness, shame, and despair.  Part of me feels like I should not have spoken out to my mother, but then I am so tired of keeping my silence.  I’m tired of being too nice.  I could totally relate to Minty (from a book I read) in that I just took it.  I kept nodding m y head and acquiescing even when it was something I didn’t want.  

I learned from my mother that my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter and that she fucking knew best.  Like the goddamned bumper sticker that she scraped off my car that I was paying for.  she was so concerned about what people would think so that without even asking she scraped it off my car.  And when I called the bitch on it, she gave me some bullshit about not wanting it in her yard.  What she was too stupid to get is that she had no right to mess with my belongings and that she could have asked me to move or to just back in.  But no, she took matters into her own hands and took it off the car.

That’s what she always did.  She never considered my feelings at all.  It was all about appearances and what she fucking wanted.  It was just like when she planted those stupid flowers in my plant, then had the audacity to be upset when I took them out. 

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I’ve finally realize why I get so upset with the maids messing with my stuff.  It all goes back to the total disrespect my mother has shown me my entire life.  She never listens and always thinks she knows best.  Even when I told her to leave the dishes, she would do them and then put them in stupid places.  

Reading this, it seems I still have a whole lot of anger over how my mother treated me growing up.  Well the good news is that I am no longer under her thumb and if I ever let her back in my life, I’m strong enough to tell her to go F* herself if she exhibits that same behavior.

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December 3, 2016

Ace of Cups Gilded Tarot

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  This card as interesting as it seems to be about intellect and knowledge flowing into the cup instead of emotions.  I do love how the phases of the moon are over the cup, tying it to emotions and intuition.

Book:  Purity of emotion, spiritual love, meant to guide as in being drawn along by a feeling, do not run from intuition, peaceful, grateful, receiving love and blessings

Guidance:  Accept and feel your emotions

Journaling:

I am in a place in my life where I am emotionally fulfilled.  I’m accepting and recognizing the love that is all around me and that’s a good thing.  I feel as if I am blossoming by surrounding myself by people who are supportive and uplifting instead of gossipy nags.

I never realized how much my upbringing negatively affected me.  My mother truly did set the stage for my marriage to John as she trained me to be a subservient nobody and that’s exactly what he wanted in a wife:  Someone who would do her bidding and not want a life of her own.  My saving grace is that he was incapable of supporting a family so I had to work to support us.  If that hadn’t been the case, I might have lost all of me.

December 28, 2017

Sitting here in my house that only has my name on the mortgage, I’m realizing exactly how much I have broken away from my upbringing as I am not the person I was raised to be.  My mother raised me to be subservient and to put everyone else first, but somehow I’ve overcome that and become a strong and independent woman. 

As I write that phrase, I am so glad for Nephthys showing up in my life.  I have to be honest and say I was so afraid when she first showed up as she was the epitome of a virgin woman:  strong, independent, and confident.  I was terrified of being independent as I’d been raised to believe that a woman was nothing without a man, but I am someone all by myself.  Although I’d like someone in my life, I can still be complete and whole onto myself without someone. 

Dearest Nephthys,

Thank you so much for showing up all those years ago and taking me under your wing.  Thank you for helping me become the strong and independent woman I am today.  And I finally know I am independent enough to share my life with someone.

Blessings,

Raine
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September 29, 2016

Ace of Cups Hanson-Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  I don’t like this card, which is why it was one of my least favorites, it appears that the cup is suspended  by the water flowing instead of the water flowing into the cup, then overflowing.  Reversed this card says emotional emptiness and sadness to me.

Book:  Creativity and deeper feelings elude you, distancing yourself from something that will disturb you emotionally, feelings of spiritual disconnection.

Guidance:  Take care of yourself, do the right thing

Journaling

I am feeling empty today as if my life is without meaning.  My problem is that I am so emotionally invested in work that I take it personally.  None of this is personal.  These people are just idiots and don’t know what they are doing.  They think they are so smart that they refuse to listen to people who have done this multiple times and too arrogant to accept help.  I’m done trying to help them.  I will deliver my what I’m supposed to deliver and that’s that.  My main goal is to not say anything stupid and get fired.

December 23, 2017

As I reflect on this card, I realize that it is about life force draining out of you and not being replenished.  The traditional card has water flowing into and out of the cup and that’s what happens in the natural flow of things when energy flows into and out of our soul.  When we get blocked or dis-eased, our energy gets stuck and we feel empty.  I’ve learned that I truly need to take time to recharge my batteries or I become empty and cranky.

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April 27, 2016

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Emotional fulfillment

Book:  Divine love, inner peace, enlightenment, when we move to the heart’s path we find deap inner healing

Guidance:  Listen to the heart’s wisdom, follow your heart, have faith

Affirmation:  I open myself to the wisdom of the heart

Journaling:

My heart tells me to be patient and that it is all working itself out and that we will be together.  However, my fear brain says I’m fooling myself.  Maybe I need to sic Frank on my fears.

April 29, 2016

Interseting I pulled this card on the day he reached out.  However, I have to just let it ride and see what plays out.  I can’t get so excited because we have done this dance for a long time and I don’t know what’s going to come of it.  I need to just trust.

May 9, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Riding through the scary woods, determination, being cheered on

Book:  Caution, diligence

Guidance: No matter what the band plays on

Journaling:

One of the things that strikes me about this card is that the knight is facing forward.  He is walking head on into whatever he needs to face.  He is not skirting it or trying to avoid it.  He is walking forward into whatever comes next.  This is a lesson that I need to learn as sometimes I think I try to avoid things or try to be too nice about things.  One of the things that I am learning in my job is to face things head on and not pussy foot.  I’m learning that just like in marriage, people don’t always read between the lines so you need to be very clear about what the expectations are.  That doesn’t mean that people will meet your expectations, but the more clear you are, the more likely that is to happen.

Where:  I went in to the office today and hung out with Dawn for a while, but I’m home now and hanging out with Clark.  I did spend some time cleaning my room and that felt good.  I know I just have to take it in small bites.

Weather:  It is beautiful out today.  It is one of those beautiful spring days.

Moon Phase:  First quarter, 55%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:11 am / 8:33 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  The pentacle is a crystal ball and it is illuminated with knowing.  The image in the back initially struck me as a funky building, but then I realized it was robotized musicians.

Book:  Caution, diligence, egolessness, stamina

Guidance:  No matter what the band plays on

Journaling:

This card is about continuing to put one foot in front of the other and getting done what needs to get done.  I did this today.  I had good meetings at work, then I got on that plane and got myself home.  We had a good dinner together and I spent a little time planning for the next day.

I think part of the message of this card to me is to quit focusing on the bullshit.  There is garbage at work going on, but I need to just let that go and focus on what I can get done.  I need to keep my eyes on the prize and not get distracted by all the garbage.  I need to focus on school, on working through my trauma and issues, and on doing what needs to be done.  I need to let go of all the garbage.

Where: I started the day at the hotel in Kansas City, MO, then flew to Detroit, then drove home.  It was an extremely long day, but the reward was that I got Smoky Bones for dinner.  I love their ribs as they are so tasty and fall off the bone.

Weather:  The weather in KC was bright and clear and when I got home, it was a little chilly, but not horrible.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 61

Sunrise / Sunset: 

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January 19, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  The Ox is front and center in this card as she is looking right at the viewer while the knight is in profile.  The message to me for this card is carrying the load and making it work.

Journaling:

Pulling this card today tells me to buckle down and do what needs to be done.  It’s telling me to deal with the snow, to make arrangements for the window, to do my work and to just do it.  It doesn’t mean I have to go fast or win the race, I just need to put one foot in front of the other and get done what needs to get done.  I need to dig in and take care of all the little things that just need to be done.  The things that are not flashy and exciting, but that move the world forward.

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 January 1, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  Master of his domain, black and white thinking, grounded

Book:  Efficiency, hard work, determination

Guidance:  Strong, loyal, determined, getting things done

Journaling

Heitsi-Eibib is the child of the ox who magically gave birth to him and he shares characteristics with the ox including being strong and loyal.  When I look at this card, it is the ox that takes center stage for me as she is looking out of the card while Heitsi-Eibib is viewed in profile.  From a Totem perspective, oxen are reliable, fair, patient, and conscientious.  These are good attributes to have.

What’s funny as I reflect on drawing a card that is grounded and centered is that in the not so distant past, I would have viewed this card as dull and boring as I’d rather have the flashy knight of swords, but the past few years have taught me that decency is a highly underrated quality.  There is a lot to be said for decency and reliability and I’ve learned that those are characteristics to be cherished and not mocked.

I believe this card is telling me to show up and be reliable for myself, for my family, and for my job.  Reliability isn’t sexy or flashy, but it gets the job done and that’s what I’m being asked to do right now.

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August 19, 2019

First Impressions:  Earthly, blossoms in the field, creating

Book:  Turning ideas into reality, visionary

Guidance: Use your drive to create

Journaling

I was afraid I was going to get bogged down in emotional stuff today or not get anything done because of constant emails, etc.  However, I kicked ass  and took names today as I worked through a proposal, got an SOW reviewed, and did a lot of other work.  I also made some time to work on school work.  Most importantly, Cindy and I are collaborating on a proposal to do research to study the best way to roll out Cultural / Spiritual Competency assessments.  This is something that Templeton actually is interested in so we might actually get a grant.

One of the things I’ve had to relearn lately is that when I am stressed and overwhelmed, I default to old coping mechanisms that aren’t healthy for me or for anyone in  my life.  My emotions have been all over the place because I’ve been struggling with feeling guilt and anger over Cam getting assaulted.  I know a lot of it is because I feel totally out of control and as if there is nothing that I can do about it.  All I can do is pray that things will work and that is annoying me and pissing me off because I want to control the outcome.  I don’t trust the court system and having to trust them is annoying and makes me angry.

However, I also know that when I let myself get all swirly over what I think the outcomes are going to be, I cause myself problems and unnecessary angst.  I was all swirly over my conversation with Ted tonight and it turned out to be a good conversation.  Now whether or not anything comes of it, I don’t know.  I may still have to report to Jamie, but at least I’ve had my case heard and been listened to.  That’s something.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful I got the proposal for OV done

I’m grateful for the good call with Joe

I’m grateful for the great conversation with Ted

I’m grateful for feeling supported

I’m grateful for Rising Appalachia

I’m grateful for the amazing watermelon

July 23, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Strength, being motivated, reliable, having goals

Book:  Worker bee, wanting stability, serving others with a glad heart

Guidance:  Take a meditative and sacred approach to life

Journaling:

The knights are not always my favorite cards as some of them seem a little flaky, but I like this card as it seems to be about taking a responsible approach to life and doing the work required to move forward.  I don’t like the message of serving others with a glad heart because I grew up with someone who believed that my life had no meaning and that it was all about others.  However, since I’ve been able to let go of Charlene’s bullshit, I’ve realized that when I take care of myself and make sure that I have what I need, I am able to serve others with a glad heart.  Part of that is feeling empowered to say no to helping others and by feeling empowered to take care of myself.  Her message was to give till it hurts and that is not a good way to live.

Once I realized that I mattered and that it was okay to take care of myself, I was able to take a more sacred approach to live as I realized that everything truly is sacred and that approaching life and the people I meet as sacred helps me to be more grounded and to live a more peaceful life.  The other thing that helps is accepting that I’m not perfect and I don’t need to be.  All I need to be is good enough.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for the great guidance from John

I’m grateful for Sean

I’m grateful for Cam for taking care of doggos

I’m grateful for the yummy caprese salad

I’m grateful for a safe place to lay my head

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May 2, 2017

Deck:  Herbal Tarot

First Impressions:  Solid, reliable, gets things done

Book: Stable, Reliable, and loyal, teaching wisdom through actions and accomplishments

Guidance:  Watch so as not to be overcritical of others, heal yourself first, stagnation, appreciate your elegance and beauty

Affirmation: I’m being in tune with mother earth and I strengthen and heal myself

Journaling

I needed the message to pay attention to my body.  I abuse my body with food.  Something goes wrong and I overeat to make myself feel beter.  I need to start traveling as that keeps me grounded and in a better place.  It is hard to have a routine when I’m working at home.

May 5, 2017 Revisit

I have started to pay attention to how I treat myself and I’m realizing that I’m really not nice to me.  I use food to reward myself, then beat myself up when the food makes me feel bad.

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October 17, 2016

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Solid, Grounded

Book: I want the job done right, I better do it myself.  Good soldier, practical, purposeful, methodical, rational, resourceful

Guidance:  Ground yourself, focus on the day to day, take care of yourself

Journaling

I need this message today as I am battling something nasty and I am reminded to be practical and take care of myself and my surroundings.  I just need to focus on what needs to be done.  There is no need to get angry or upset.  I just need to be practical and grounded.

May 25, 2018

I truly love what I wrote here, even though it was not very much because it shows that I was all about taking care of myself and putting myself first.  I wasn’t berating myself for being sick or saying that I had to do everything in in the world for everyone else.  I was kind and loving to myself and said that I mattered and that I needed to put myself first.

Wow!  That was huge for me as usually I am all about denying my own needs and putting everyone else’s first.  I am so incredibly proud of me for writing that.  I love reading through my old journals as they show me that I am truly growing and changing and that I am being a better friend to myself and am getting so much better at taking care of me.

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September 27, 2016

Deck:  Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:   The horns on his helmet tie him to earth bound animals like stags and he stands in front of a plowed field which also ties him to the element of earth.  Interestingly, his cloak looks like it is made of feathers.  Overall, this knight looks to be strong and and driven.

Book:  Methodical, rational, stable, kind and gentle, slow and steady, sensuous and passionate

Guidance:  Be patient and methodical

Journaling:

As I was reading this, it struck me as sounding like it was about someone I know, but this reading was not about him and is about me.  One of the biggest lessons I’m learning right now is that I need to make my life about me and not about other people.  It is all too easy to get caught up in the swirliness and make it about other people.  My life matters and it is not just about other people I feel like I’m drowning in emotions right now and I’m getting a chest cold, which means I am feeling some grief about something or other.  I’m feeling wave after wave of sadness and I feel as if I still have mourning to do, but I am afraid to feel those emotions because I don’t know if I have what it takes to pull myself out of that dark place again.  My heart hurts and I don’t know why.  I do know that grief is not linear and that there is no time table for grief, but that doesn’t make it any easier when I feel these emotions.  However, I have learned over the past few years that they are emotions and they cannot hurt me.

My reaction to an email is just that an emotion.  Even though I feel exposed, it is just an emotion.  I am fine.  I am grounded in reality and I am fine.  I need to pull some cards tonight about my mom and try to make sense of that situation.  Part of me feels that I am vilifying her because I can’t vilify my dad.  I feel like an orphan today.  Even though I know there are people in my life who love me, I feel like a lost child.

December 23, 2017  Review

Wow! This was immensely powerful and shows so much growth.  This is the reason I think it is important to review and keep my journals because they do let me see how much I’ve grown and changed.  One of the most important lessons I’ve learned recently is that it is okay to talk myself off the ledge.  I used to think that my emotions were sacrosanct and that I had no right to interfere with them.  If I was feeling depressed or cranky or angry or sad, I just had to let the emotion run its course.  However, recently I’ve learned that it is okay to to talk myself off the ledge.  It is okay to virtually give that lost child a hug and help her through it.  I do not have to let the emotions rule my life.  That is so powerful and intense.

January 1, 2022 Update

It was pretty amazing to read through these old journal entries and see the growth.  Interestingly enough, I’m also sick today as my lungs feel clogged with a bunch of junk.  I don’t know if it is a reaction to my Covid vaccine or something else.  It could also be grief as this is a heavy week for me.  My Grandma Thursa’s birthday would have been the 26th, my Grandma Elda’s birthday would have been the 29th, and my Dad’s birthday would have been the 30th.  They were all on my mind recently as I raised a glass in rememberance.

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Explorer of Earth Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Impressions:  Ungrounded, disconnected, not paying attention, not protected

Journaling:

I feel unbalanced and ungrounded as if I was being buried instead of supported.  I feel disconnected and uprooted.  I long for roots and a strong support system, but I feel my efforts to get that strong support system constantly fail.  Is this about a lack of trust in the earth?  Do I feel as if I can’t trust the gods to have my back even though they have shown time and time again that I am taken care of and that they do have my best interests at heart?  There have been so many times when I thought things were horrible, but they turned out for the best.

December 25, 2017

Interesting card.  I still don’t feel as if I have a strong support system and I still feel as if there isn’t anyone I can trust other than a few people.  I did make an honest effort to go to church, but that didn’t turn out too well.  I was really really hurt when those bitches didn’t even say I hope your daughter feels better or that she’s okay.  I thought that was a pretty horrible way to treat someone and after that I decided I wanted nothing to do with those people.

I was also talking to Cam and I think part of the reason I don’t want anything to do with the UUs is that when you go to a UU church there is no energy or faith.  They people want to get together and worship, but it is not truly worship as they don’t believe in something bigger than themselves.  I do believe in something bigger than myself and I have faith.

 To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for April is:

Wonder

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

Beginning of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

Wonder personified is the Grand Canyon.  It is a place we hear about, but until you see it with your own eyes, you cannot begin to understand what it is.  Standing there I felt so tiny as if my life meant nothing at all and I felt such a sense of wonder. This wonder happens when you see something that is bigger than any one human being.  It is a sense of being awestruck and surprised and delighted all at once.  Unfortunately, it is not a feeling usually associated with everyday life because I am living the proverbial life of quiet desperation and I don’t know how to get to a life of wonder.

What does wonder mean for me right now?

What do I need to learn about wonder?

What do I need to do to bring Wonder into my life?

What benefits will I have bringing Wonder into my life?

  To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for April is:

Kindness

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

End of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

What does kindness mean for me right now?

What did I  learn about kindness?

What do I need to do to continue to bring Kindness into my life?

What benefits will I have bringing kindness into my life?