Category: Uncategorized

 June 17, 2022

Deck:   Intuitive Dark Goddess

First Impressions:  Sunshine, happiness, light streaming through

Book:  Contrast, perspective, loss, gratitude, process

Guidance:   Accept the good and the bad as part of a greater whole

Journaling:

I needed this reminder that where there is bad, there is also good.  I have been so focused on the bad lately that I forget that there is good in this world.  There are people who are helpful and kind and who want to be there for others.  However, the good in this world doesn’t sell newspapers so it isn’t often spotlighted and when it is, it is spotlighted as something strange and out of the ordinary.  It is also so easy to get trapped into feeling like I want and need more.

I have enough and I am going to remember that.  I’m going to put my windchimes in the house so that I can start being a more positive person.  I think I will also drag out my gratitude journal and start writing in it every day.  Another thing I can do to start feeling better about the world is to start spending more time cleaning.  I know that I always feel better when I have a clean house.

Where I’m At:  I love summer Fridays.  I worked hard this morning, but I thoroughly enjoyed this afternoon.  I hung out with the dogs and just had a wonderful day.

Weather:  The weather was absolutely beautiful.  It wasn’t too hot and it was a nice day for a drive.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous, 78

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:50 / 9:04

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 June 2, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Grief, being overwhelmed, sadness, not looking at what is left

Book:  Mourning, loss, bitterness, regret, rejection

Guidance: Don’t cry over spilt milk

Journaling:

My heart is breaking right now with anger, rage, grief, and sadness.  The world we live in is so broken.  It feels like the only safe place is at home with the doors locked.  I’m scared to go to the grocery store, I’m scared to go out in public, I’m just scared to exist because it feels like there are men with guns around every corner.  Unfortunately, I know this isn’t a figment of my imagination as there have been over 250 mass shooting events this year.  Grocery stores, schools, work places, malls.  It seems like no place is safe.

Little kids go to school and never come home.  This is a card of crying and mourning and screaming.  It is a card about recognizing how horrible the world is, but picking up and going on.  It is about looking for ways to make a difference even when the world sucks.

Where:  I’m at home today

Weather:  It is getting to be those warm summer days where it is unbearably hot sometimes and other times when you are still, the breeze hits you and it feels so good.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent 8%

Sunrise / Sunset: 

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May 21, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Focusing on what is lost, an oh my expression.  Out in the wilderness when there is a castle not too far away

Book: Mourning, loss, bitterness, rejection

Guidance: Do not cry over spilled milk

Journaling:

Cam and I talked about John today while we were out and about and how every time anyone made a mistake or something broke it was personal for him.  Everything everyone did was all about him, when in reality it wasn’t.  People made mistakes because people make mistakes and things break.  But it was always a big thing.  This came up because I made a wrong turn and Cam pointed out that we were able to just go on and move on, but John would have berated me for it.  It would have been all about how stupid I was for not paying attention.  We also talked about how he really had no friends because once people saw how horrible he was, they dumped him.  

Of course, this triggered flashbacks for me and I was thinking about the time he beat me with a baseball bat and wondering if I should have called the cops.  I’ve always told myself that I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want him to go to jail, but I’m realizing that that is not the truth.  I was terrified that if I called the cops, he would get out and he would kill me or the kids.  Calling the police on a domestic abuser can be deadly as he is angry and embarrassed and blames the victim.  I think the real truth of the matter is that I didn’t trust the police and was afraid that if I called them, it would be worse or they would not believe me.  What I am realizing is that I did what I needed to do to live and survive.  Calling the police could have been deadly for me.

The other truth is that even 10 years ago, people did not believe victims of intimate partner violence and they blamed the victim or the abuser was able to talk his way out of it and escape punishment.  I need to let go of thinking that I let him off the hook and start realizing that I very likely saved my life and the life of the kids.  He is a dangerous and violent person, especially when crossed.

I guess this card makes me think of that because I was so bitter and angry at myself for so long for not putting him in jail and that bitterness was eating me up, but when I look at it from the perspective of a survivor, I feel better about myself.

Where: Clam and I drove down to Chagrin Falls to Yours Truly for Breakfast and it was awesome to get out together and have a nice meal.  Of course, eating breakfast made us hungry for the rest of the day.  It rained in the afternoon / evening and it was so cozy to sit in front of the window and listen to the rain.

Weather:  It was actually a really nice day in the morning, but it stormed in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 64%

Sunrise / Sunset:  5:59 / 8:45

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April 4, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, life force draining away

Book:  Grieving, disillusion, disappointment, wallowing, self pity, a broken heart

Guidance:  Dismantle your grief and reclaim your happiness

Journaling:

Wow!  This card hit the nail on the head for me today.  I am grieving the life that I really want:  a life with someone to walk by my side.  There are a lot of benefits to being alone and not being accountable to someone, but the downside is that I’m lonely.  My kids are great and it is nice to not be totally alone, but I want someone to flirt with and to be an adult with.  I want someone who I’m not responsible for.  And I don’t know how to get that in my life.  A lot of the times I feel so alone and awkward and geeky.

It also feels like I spent all my energy doing shit I don’t care about.

Where: I’m sitting at home in the living room after going to Metro Health for Open Table.  It actually felt really good to get out and interact with people.

Weather:  It was a reasonably nice day out today.  I went out this afternoon and it was about 50 so I was able to just wear a jacket.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 10%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:04 am / 7:55 pm

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February 17, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

First Impressions:  La Larona, sadness, bereft, crying

Book:  Self pity, guilt, regret, stagnation, depression

Guidance:  Learn from your regret or it will be useless

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull today as I am depressed.  It just feels like everything in the world is so overwhelming.  It’s raining today and it makes the sadness in the air almost palpable.  The message of this card is to learn from regrets, but I’m not sure which regrets to learn from.  I have worked through most of my regrets and most of my sadness, so I’m not sure what I need to learn.  

However, I am feeling sorry for myself today as I really don’t like my job.  It’s boring and I feel like all I am doing is serving capitalism.  I don’t feel like I am helping people at all and that is not a good feeling.  I want a job that lets me change the world and I don’t have that.  All I am doing is helping a bloated company make more money.  I’ve always wanted a job where I help save the world and I don’t think I’ve eve really had it.  when I worked for the Air Force, I was helping the military industrial complex and now I’m helping capitalism.

Where I’m At: I’m home this week.

Mood: I’m sad

Weather:   It’s cold and rainy and it is supposed to snow later

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous, 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:18 AM / 6:02 PM

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Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Bleak, sadness, grieving

Book:  Wandering in a bleak landscape, bridge leading back to fullness

Guidance: Grieve for what is lost, but acknowledge what still remains

Journaling:

I’m so tired of being constantly angry and sad.  It feels as if those are my only two emotions and I’m struggling to keep the anger from coming out at inappropriate times.  This feels a lot like when I was married when I was just so angry and sad all the time.  However, I also know that anger and sadness also masquerade as fear and I’m terrified this mother fucker is going to get off and I know that Cam says that she just wants it over, but I know she’ll be devastated if he gets off.  And I know that I’m going to want to attack him and kill him right there in the courtroom.  My hate rage is so overpowering.  I just want him eviscerated and eliminated from the planet.  I want to pound his fucking head into the pavement until it is a bloody pulp.  However, I also know that he’s not worth going for jail for.  He is a piece of garbage and even if he gets off, the court of karma will catch up with him.

I’m feeling sad, scared, angry, guilty, and a whole host of other emotions that I don’t even know how to name.  All I know is that I’m going to just have to keep turning it over and eventually it will get better.  Turning it over really is the only thing that helps.

June 12, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Not appreciating what you have

Book:  Keen disappointment and regret when we realizing something is slipping away

Guidance:  Let go of things that are not working out, be gentle with yourself, beyond this place lies new hope

Journaling

I was feeling really unappreciative of what I have today.  I have plenty of work to keep me busy and I know that I need to proceed slowly and not get in over my head, but I’m busy thinking about all the projects we have that don’t have OCM on them.  I was focusing on what I don’t have and how our organization doesn’t really support what I do.  I feel as if it is me continuing to fight uphill and that’s a really frustrating place to be in.  However, what I should focus on is that I get the opportunity to go in and do something that is mostly fun everyday and I get paid a whole lot of money to do it.

A lot of the problem is that I’m not happy with doing the same thing over and over and over and I don’t really feel as if what I do makes a difference in the world.  I want to make a difference and I want to change people’s lives and I don’t do that now.  All I do is help company’s make more money and that’s not a lot of fun.  However, the job that I have is teaching me skills that I will need to move into a role I want which is in culture and diversity.  I have to work to change my mindset from focusing on what I don’t have to focusing on what I do have.  Sometimes that’s hard to do and I get caught up in loss and forget to feel gratitude for what I have.

At the heart of it, this card is about being grateful for the blessings in our lives.  There is always loss in our lives, but if we are able to open our hearts and be grateful for what we have, life will flow much better and we will be much more able to appreciate the good stuff that we have.

I love the line “beyond this place lies new hope.”  That is such a wonderful reminder to let go of what we can no longer have and be ready to embrace the new.  I’ve learned that to embrace the new, I have to mourn what I’m letting go of.  Sometimes we think we can just let go of things, but it is important to have the mourning period that helps us to let go.

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November 12, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  pulled reversed

First impressions:  Appreciate what you have

Book:  Return and restoration of hope after recent losses, situation is beginning to turn, feelings of hopefullness

Guidance: Be hopeful, let go of the wounds

Journaling

There are two meanings of this card reversed and I am torn as to which one is more suitable.  One is about the restoration of hope and the other is about the utter loss of hope.  There is a part of me that feels hope being restored and ready to move and the other that feels devastated and as if I have no hope at all.  Dinner was wonderful, but I still ended up sleeping alone and that hurts.  I really and truly want the real deal and I am not sure if I will ever get it and that is devastating.

September 1, 2018

It’s been almost two years since I wrote this and I’m not even sure who I went to dinner with.  LOL.  I still want the real deal, but I have learned a lot in the last two years about the value of being alone and the value of my independence.  I’ve realized that if I had gotten with anyone right after John and I broke up that it would have been a disaster.  I was so broken that I would have trashed any relationship with my neediness.

I’ve come to value myself so much in the last few years and I’ve learned how to talk myself out of the bad places when I need to.  I’ve learned to take a step back and evaluate what is real and what’s not.  I find that my thoughts take me down into a deep dark place sometimes, but I can also use my thoughts to get myself out of that deep dark place and back to a place of hope. 

 To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for June is:

Passion

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

Beginning of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

What does passion mean for me right now?

What do I need to learn about Passion?

That in order to have true passion in my life, I need to be honest with myself and others.  I need to stop pretending that it is okay that I don’t have love.  I have to put down my defenses and admit to myself that I really do want a passionate love affair in my life.  I also have to admit that there was a part of me that loved the fighting and making up with John.  In the early days of our marriage, we would fight passionately and make up.  And I never so much minded the physical.  There was something exiting about losing control and fighting and there were times when I bated him because I liked that passion.  However, then it became hurtful and he began emotionally abusing me and the words hurt so much.  He put me down and degraded me and that was not okay.  

What I need to learn about passion is whether physical passion can be empowering and not degrading.  There is a part of me that is terrified of falling in love and being passionate because I’m afraid of being hurt and degraded again.  I want to find someone who is my best friend, but who treats me passionately and tenderly.  I want passion to be empowering and loving.  

What do I need to do to bring Passion into my life?

This is a very strange card after the last card.  While the last card was about physical passion and the wonderful feelings of love and lust they can bring, this card seems to be back about school and studying and what makes me happy.  When I look at this card in combination with the last card, I think the message I’m receiving is to study what makes me happy and follow my own dreams.  However, at the same time I also have to be willing to put down my swords and be open to love and happiness.

When I look at the cards this way, this makes so much sense because I believe that when you are happy and doing the things that bring joy into your life, you attract good things.  I am finally at the point that I know I am worthy of love and I also know that when I am studying and learning new things I do glow with happiness.  So I’m just going to follow my bliss and know that love and passion will come my way.

What benefits will I have bringing Passion into my life?

Another interesting card!  The three of wands is about making your dreams come true and bring passion into my life will help me be fulfilled on all fronts.  If I bring passion into my life on the intellectual front, I will feel happy and fulfilled and if I bring passion into my life on the physical front, I will be at peace.  I will feel that my life is complete.

I do have to admit that as I’m writing that, there is a part of me that is saying, “But I’m a strong and independent woman and don’t need no man.”  However, the truth of the matter is that I am lonely a lot of the time and it would be nice to have someone to have grownup conversations with and someone who gets me.

I guess at the end of the day, I’m just going to continue to put it out there, be my own person, and see what happens.

  To help my personal growth, I’ve decided that not only will I have a card of the year, I will also choose a word each month to study and reflect on.  I’ll be reading books and articles on my word of the month as well as figuring out activities that will help me incorporate that word into my life.  My word of the month for May is:

Wonder

At the beginning and end of each month, I will also do a reading.  The beginning of the month reading will be about what lessons I can learn from the card and the end of month reading will be about what I did learn.  

End of the Month Reading

Deck:  Sacred Rose Tarot

Wonder personified is the Grand Canyon.  It is a place we hear about, but until you see it with your own eyes, you cannot begin to understand what it is.  Standing there I felt so tiny as if my life meant nothing at all and I felt such a sense of wonder. This wonder happens when you see something that is bigger than any one human being.  It is a sense of being awestruck and surprised and delighted all at once.  Unfortunately, it is not a feeling usually associated with everyday life because I am living the proverbial life of quiet desperation and I don’t know how to get to a life of wonder.

What does wonder mean for me right now?

What did I learn about wonder?

The Ace of cups shows how an ordinary object, a cup, can be extraordinary.  We can choose to bring wonder into our every day lives by eating with beautiful utensils, drinking out of goblets, and making life magical.  We don’t have to go to the big and grand places to have wonder in our lives.  We can choose to elevate the ordinary to the extraordinary to create wonder.

What do I need to do to continue bringing Wonder into my life?

What benefits has  Wonder brought into my life?

May 31, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Regal, calm, controlled, going forward

Book: Inner strength, self motivation, 

Guidance: Integrity can fracture in explosive ways

Journaling:

This card reminds me of Pruitt on Station 19.  He is wise and kind and takes care of the people who love him.  And I guess he reminds me of my dad as well.  I love my dad and I miss him.  Even though he was annoying and misgonistyc, I never doubted that he loved me.  I wish I had someone in my life now who loved me and would take care of me.  Even though I know I am a badass, it would be nice to have someone take care of me once in a while.  Someone to protect me and look out for me.  I don’t think I’ve had that since my daddy died.  John certainly never took care of me and I am realizing that he didn’t love me.

This card is all about inner strength and that’s what I need to channel now.

Where:  I’m at home this week.  And right now am just hanging out with the doggos.

Weather:  It was beautiful out today.  The sun was shining and I spent time hanging out in the hammock and it was wonderful.

Moon Phase:  Waxing Crescent, 1%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54/8:54

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March 10, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Getting down to business, lighting the way, strong and courageous, not standing on ceremony

Book:  Natural born leader, creative visionary, fearlessness, successful ideation

Guidance:   Boldly express your offbeat weirdo

Journaling:

I love this card as it is a card of looking toward the future and of lighting the way.  One of the things that I need to work on is really charting my course and figuring out where I want to go.  I love the salary that my job provides, but I’m not thrilled with the work.  I would much rather be living my own best life and doing what is important to me.

the problem is that I’m not sure how to get there.  I think I need to do some serious magick and figure it out.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch with Clarko snoring next to me and Wendy in her cuddle cup.

Weather: It’s a little cold out, but not snowing yet

Moon Phase:  First Quarter 50%

Sunrise / Sunset: 6:46 am / 6:27 pm

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Deck:  Tarot of the Divine

Deck;  World Spirit tarot

First Impressions:  Wisdom, lit from the sun, forward motion

Book:  Creative visions, loving a challenge and opportunity to strategize, only comfortable when he’s in charge, intolerant of weakness in himself and others,

Guidance:  Call upon the leader in yourself

Journaling

This is an incredibly interesting card as it speaks to me on so many levels.  I do love to be creative and figure out how to take an idea from a spark to fruition.  That’s incredibly fun for me as I love the creativity involved in figuring out the angles, overcoming obstacles, etc.  I think that’s the real reason I want to stay at my current job as there is something immensely satisfying in doing something that no one thought could be done and doing it well.  It feed my ego so much to have people tell me that I’m actually making it work.  I also get personal satisfaction out of it as well, especially since I am really starting to see results.  It’s interesting because when I met with Cindy she said she was a builder and that applies to me as well.  I love the leadership aspects of building something amazing, but I’m not so good at managing things and having to deal with employees.

It is the other piece of this where I fall down and that’s only being comfortable when I’m in charge.  This doesn’t exhibit itself as not taking orders from my boss, but it does come into play when I end up having subordinates as I want to micromanage them and I am convinced that they will screw it up and I will have to fix it.  However, when I take a step back and am kind to myself and look at things realistically instead of focusing on my flaws, I realize that in a lot of ways my behavior is completely understandable because the people I have had as subordinates have not really been up to the task.  I had people trying to do quick reference guides who had no idea how to do the transactions.  I also had people who didn’t care.  I hadn’t actually hired any of these people so it makes sense that it didn’t work.  I can do a good job of mentoring and giving good direction when I have the right people working for me.

I have also learned that just because I think something critical doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person or that I’m mean.  It is okay to have those thoughts as long as you stifle them and what comes out of my mouth is helpful.  I’m learning to do that with people at work as there are times I just want to say “What an idiot!”  However, I’ve learned to stop, redirect, and come up with something helpful.  There is too much meanness in the world, there is no reason that I need to contribute to it.

December 20, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First Impressions:  Loss of Passion

Book:  Be careful, be aware of recklessness, inability to move forward, need to move forward, hesitating, uncertainty

Guidance:  Be more assertive, be more confident

Journaling

This card fits where i am today as I have been dragging my heels about this course that I’m creating.  I think the root cause is that I am afraid to go into the darkness again.  I’m afraid of opening doors that I thought I’d closed.  However, there is a reason this is coming up now so I will honor the process and go back into my darkness.

July 8, 2018

Interesting when I read this and think about the actual meanings of the words.  I haven’t worked on my course in a while and I think it is because I’ve learned the lessons and it really is time for me to move forward.  I don’t need to go back into the darkness and I don’t owe it to anyone to guide them or help them.  I guide my kids and I provide for them and I don’t need to give my all to anyone. 

I’ve also found that my daily and weekly tarot practices are helping me to dig into the darkness without becoming overwhelmed.  I find so much healing in tarot and the discipline of pulling a card everyday really helps to to get all the junk out in a deliberate way.

 May 28 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  At home in the sword.  I love the windows in the shaft of the sword.  It also looks like there are tents in the sword and little men.  There is also a wreath

Book: Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into Right Action

Journaling:

The Ace of Swords for me is always about cutting through bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter.  I’ve always thought of it as cutting through emotional bullshit, but as i reflect on this card I could see it could also be a decluttering card as getting rid of the clutter can help us see a straight path and can help clear out the emotional clutter.  I know that I always feel stuck when there is so much physical clutter around.  I think that is why I love going to hotels because there isn’t so much junk.  I can see clearly and I don’t get distracted by the clutter.  

My goal for the summer is to get the house clean and cut down on the clutter.  Every other Friday we’re going to spend time cleaning.  I’m also going to spend time cleaning during the week.  this week I’ve actually got a lot done and I’m going to keep working on it today.  The problem is that I get so tired so it takes me a while, but if I just keep going bit by bit, I will get it done.

Where: I’m home today and I was actually pretty productive.  I got up early, went to the store, then to the Farmers Market.  I also had a call with Dr. Perkins about my PhD.  Things are not looking good as she thinks that Western won’t start the program up again.  However, I’m okay with that and I am just going to take it one day at a time.

Weather:  It was chilly this morning when I went tot he market, but it started to warm up in the afternoon.

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 4%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:54 am / 8:51 Pm

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April 30, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Fighting the good fight, rewards for fighting, cutting through bullshit

Book:  Logic, intellect, clear thoughts, new ideas

Guidance: Clear Windows into right action

Journaling:

This one makes me chuckle right now as my window is not clear and is covered with duck tape.  I like the thought of clear windows leading to right action.  This tells me that the way to figure out what I want to do in life is to clean out all the clutter so I can see clearly.  Starting next weekend, that’s what my plan is.  I want to get rid of all the physical junk so i can start working on the emotional junk.  

Physically I have been feeling horrible lately and I honestly don’t know if it is emotional clutter, true physical ailments, or something else.  All I know is that I need to get rid of all the junk so I can see my path forward.

Where:  I’m at home today and I am utterly exhausted.  My whole body is achy and it is difficult to even drag myself upright.

Weather:  It is a little chilly out, but it has been nice.

Moon Phase:  Dark Moon

Sunrise / Sunset:  6:22 am / 8:24 PM

May 29th Update

Interesting as I read this that I made the connection between bullshit and clutter last month as well.  I did do some work cleaning out clutter, but there is still work to be done.  I think the thing is that I get totally overwhelmed and it is not only my stuff, it is everyone else’s.  Cam has opened two boxes and just left them where they lay.  She is horrible about that and I don’t know how to make things different.

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March 17, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Fractials, spiral staircase, channeling the wisdom of the universe

Book:  New ideas, clarity, truths revealed, thought, communication

Guidance:   Make use of your mindset tools

Journaling:

I’m sitting here half a sleep and feeling as if my brain will never be truly awake.  It feels as if all my best brain cells go to work.  I have to figure out a way to do my work and get paid, but still have time and energy for the stuff that matters.  I think I need to consider starting to exercise again.  I have been a couch potato lately and I have the feeling that that is part of the reason I have no energy.  I also don’t get out of the house a lot so I’m breathing in dander filled air.  

I realize that I spend a lot of time living in my brain and not living an embodied life.  I need to work to build that mind body connection so that both are strong.

Where I’m At: I’m sitting on the couch before work.  Wendy is mad because Sean is gone and she 

Weather: It is beautiful out.  It’s bright and sunny

Moon Phase:  Waxing Gibbous 99%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:35 am / 7: 35 pm

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September 21, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Reaching for the stars

Book: Something is ready to ignite, beginning of a new phase

Guidance: Trust your innovative ideas

Journaling

This is an interesting card to have chosen for today is because one of the realizations I’ve come to is that if I am truly serious about building a life outside of the 9 to 5, I need to take actions to market myself and become a trusted resource for people in the tarot community.  I also have to give back by attending conferences and speaking if I feel called to do so.  The shift that is happening inside my soul is that I’m realizing that I do have something to give back and I do have something to talk about.  Up until recently, I’ve felt as if I didn’t have anything to say that matters, but that is starting to change as I realize that I do have a lot of wisdom to offer other people.

Some of the ways that I need to start marketing myself include posting my daily draw on Facebook on a regular basis, using instagram, and speaking at conferences.  The first two I’m struggling with as it feels as if I’m using my relationships to sell stuff.  However, when I sit back and look at things objectively, I realize that’s not the case.  I am posting something that people may or may not be interested in.  If they are not interested, then they don’t have to read it.  And by the same token, if people are not interested in what I post on Instagram, they don’t have to read it.  I’m just posting the message and that’s easier for me to do than to actively solicit business.  I think “selling” gives me a bad taste in my mouth because I have tried to sell books and other things before and I haven’t been successful as it seemed like more work went in to selling than into being creative. 

What I’m taking as the message from this card is that things will ignite, I just have to trust the pathway that I’m going down.  This is also another one of those cards that speaks to trust and trust is something I’ve historically had a lot of issues with as it is really hard for me to trust people.  I feel like the underlying message for me with this card is to trust the universe.

Gratitudes

I’m grateful for dinner with the kids

I’m grateful for snuggling on the couch with the doggos

I’m grateful for laughing with Cam

I’m grateful for spending time taroting

I’m grateful for yummy beans and rice

I’m grateful for my peaceful home

I’m grateful for time spent reading and reflecting this morning

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions:  Discerning, cutting away what no longer serves

Book:  Truth, Yoni as gateway to powers of the sword, Inspiration, insight, and keen intellect, double edged sword

Guidance:  Rationally analyze situations to make good decisions, commit yourself to the truth

Journaling:

I chose to write about the Ace of Swords today because for me this card symbolizes cutting away what is no longer needed.  I view it as a giant pair of scissors that cut away attachments that tangle us up and serve no purpose.  As summer is here, this card could also be viewed as a big pair of pruning sheers cutting away dead wood so that what is left behind can grow and find the sunlight.  Unfortunately, pruning the dead wood out of our lives is not as easy as pruning dead branches, because all too often the dead wood is relationships that have outlived their usefulness or that are strangling us.

My separation (2010) and divorce (2011) not only cleared away the dead wood of a marriage that was strangling me and causing me to become an angry and bitter person, they also illuminated the root of the problem which was an unhealthy relationship with my mother.  I realized that she had raised me to be a doormat and put everyone else’s needs above mine.  When I wanted to go to a writer’s conference and my now ex was going to watch the kids, she asked me if he was okay with that.  When I was chosen to go to a class at work, she said he should go because he worked in IT and I didn’t.  And what caused the final rift was when I told her John and I had separated and she asked how everyone else was, except me. She never once asked how I was feeling or if I was okay.  It was all about everyone else.  Then she had the audacity to say, “There’s not going to be a divorce, is there?”  It did not matter to her that I was crushed and devastated, all she cared about was everyone else’s feelings and about social standing.  That was a moment of truth for me and at that moment it felt as if a flashlight was illuminating my entire relationship with my mother and I realized how she had hurt me.

Cutting your mother out of my life was difficult because there was a part of me that felt guilty and as if maybe I was overreacting, but when she guilt tripped me on my 50th birthday and refused to even consider that my feelings might be valid, I realized I had made the right choice.  However, knowing intellectually you’ve made the right choice and knowing in your heart you’ve made the right choice are two different things.  There are so many moments in my life where I want a mom to be there for me and to listen to me and to help me figure things out, but I don’t have that mother in my life.  It hurts sometimes and there are times I Google estranged parents online to see if there is anything else I can do to heal the rift, but there’s nothing.  At the end of the day, if she refuses to acknowledge her part in the rift there is nothing I can do.   I’ve also pondered if I could have a more superficial relationship with my mother, but I also know that that wouldn’t work because anytime I told her she that a topic was off limits, she would pout.  It still hurts, but I also know that I’m in a healthier place because she is not in my life.

I’m also working to apply the sword of truth to other people in my life and over the past week I’ve realized that I need to cut a friend out of my life who was my rock during my divorce.  As I sat and listened to him complain about how people had teased him, I realized he was being a hypocrite and the teasing he’d endured was no worse than what he had dished out to me.  The worst was when I fell and got a serious concussion.  He told a coworker that I was drunk and wearing high heels when it happened.  And when I protested, he said I was being too sensitive.  As I look back at the incident, I realize I was in no way being too sensitive.  It would have been one thing to say that to me in a teasing manner, but to say that to someone else was out of line.  I reminded him of that and he chuckled as if it was no big deal.  I realized that our friendship wasn’t going to work any longer because I’ve grown and changed and I no longer accept disrespect in my life.

Exercise:

Visualize the toxic people who are holding you back and see the ribbons of energy that are attaching you to those people.  Pull out your great big sword of truth or a big pair of shiny pruning sheers and virtually cut those energetic ties.  Once you’ve got the times, take a moment to thank them for whatever lessons they’ve brought to your life and let them go.  For some relationships, you may have to do this exercise multiple times, but eventually you will know that the cords have been cut.

May 29, 2022 Update

Wow!  I had forgotten about how B. responded after I got my concussion.  That was a total jackass thing to do and there is no way in hell I was too sensitive about how he behaved.  He was being a jackass and there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  That was a horrible thing to do and to say.  I deserve better than that.

December 21, 2017

Ace of Air Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

Card:  Ace of Air

First Impressions:  The first impressions of Nemesis are not positive.  I get the impression that she is pointing at someone and giving them unsolicited advice or shaming them.  However, she isn’t waving her sword around so I guess unsolicited advice is better than the alternative.  I do love the colors on this card as the gold of her tunic is a slightly lighter color than the gold of the field.  The ace of swords always tells me that this is about cutting through bullshit.

Book:  The first step in discernment:  Perceive what exists.  Grants the knowledge of what is right and good.  Enforcing the limits beyond one which one should not perceive.

Guidance:  Apply objectivity to achieve clarity, mediate your ego, stay nimble, moderate your sacrifice.

Journaling:

I like the reminders in this card.  It is more guidance to stay in the middle path.  I also have to be objective.  I know this who reorganization is nt about me at all, but my ego is feeling shuffled to the side so I’m a tad annoyed that I have to let go of my feelings.  No!  I don’t need to let go, I need to acknowledge.

December 28, 2017

I have grown so much in the last year and I am so much better about not making it all about me.  Okay, that’s not exactly true, I do tend to make it all about me, but then I talk myself off the ledge and I see things more rationally.  Watching yourself grow up is a pretty cool experience!

November 17, 2017

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Cut through the bullshit

Book:  Gift of the sword is intellect, powerful and dangerous words can heal or hurt

Guidance:  Use the gift of thought well, to see the world clearly, to communicate well, be aware of having a sharp tongue

Journaling

I love the meaning of this card and the reminder that logic can cut both ways.  I can think my way into  box when I only look at cold, hard facts.  I have learned that to see the whole picture, I have to use both logic and emotion. 

My brain tells me that it will never happen and that I should move on.  My heart tells me a different story.  My heart tells me it will happen and I need to continue to believe.  For now, I’m going to continue to believe my heart. 

November 20, 2017

The ace of swords cuts through bullshit.  This is a great card to pull when life seems murky and there is a need to step back and review.  This is also a great card to pull when you need to cut ties with someone.

November 8, 2018

Interesting read on this card as it is about using logic and about cutting ties.  I’m finally at that place where I’m ready to cut ties.  My feelings for him served a very useful purpose in my life, but I’m finally feeling strong enough to move on and be my own self.  If I put as much love and energy into my life as i do into that pursuit, I will have a kick ass life.

November 18, 2016

Deck:  Gilded Tarot

Card:  Pulled Reversed

First impressions:  Lay down your weapons

Book:  Be aware of having a sharp tongue, potential to be valiant and victorious, negative omen suggesting chaos and dysfunction, unfulfilled ambition, imbalance, thought disconnected from heart, not the time to face things

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power

Journaling

What a wonderful card to have drawn today.  it is a little scary to think of Trump in power, but this is where I have to act with both my head and my heart.  I have to be smart and protect my assets and my kids, but I also have to function and do what’s right and get involved in what matters to me.  I have to give my life meaning by advocating for mental health and women’s rights.  My voice and time have to be spent protecting what matters.

July 5, 2019

I haven’t done a lot of advocating or working toward change and I have to be honest and say that a big reason is that it feels useless.  The people who believe what I believe are going to continue to believe what I believe and the ones who don’t, do not seem to be inclined to change their minds.  I have worked on turning inward and improving myself.  One of the ways I believe that I can change the world is to not be so reactive and to be more measured in my response.  I think when we all rush from thing to thing as trump lumbers through the world and if we are more measured and less reactive, the world will be more calm and we will get through this.

October 14, 2016

Deck;  Faerie Tarot

Card:  Pulled reversed

First Impressions:  Stuck, lack of clarity

Book:  Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head

Journaling

I feel like nothing I do matters for me.  Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me.  We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I’m still stuck in Chicago every week.  All I want is to find love and be happy.  I have to be honest and say that I’m thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn’t seem to matter for me.  I feel like just a vehicle for other people’s happiness, but I’m not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that’s hard when life sucks and you don’t have the one thing that matters.  I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with.  I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me?  Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough?  I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me.  I’ve fought so hard against needing someone, but I’m ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018

I wish that I could say that in the time since I’ve written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I’ve been working really hard not to lie to myself.  There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely.  However, I’ve been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways.  That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don’t like to be selfish.  However, I’m starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing. 

A big part of the reason, I’m able to start doing this is because I’m able to say F* you to my mother’s voice in my head.  I’m able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things.  I deserve a car of my own.  I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me.  I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch.  I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday.  And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people.  That is all so much BS.  I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me.  I am capable of doing all of those things by myself.  That doesn’t mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me.  But what she added on actually made me feel good.  She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding.  That made me feel good

September 24, 2016

Ace of Swords Hanson Roberts

Deck:  Hanson Roberts

First Impressions:  The sword is piercing a laurel wreath, does this portend victory?  The hilt of the sword is bound with leather and there appears to be a ruby in the hilt.  The sun is shining through the clouds and reflecting off the sword.  The sword speaks to me of new beginnings and intellectual opportunities.

Book:  Clarity, success, sharp focus, cut attachments that no longer serve us, instrument of change, new beginnings

Guidance:  Be true to yourself

Journaling:

This week has truly been about the need to cut away and leave things that no longer serve me behind.  Right now I’m feeling the need to pull away from a coworker who I don’t feel is working in our client’s best interests.  It also makes me wonder if this is about cutting ties with people who were important, but who I’ve drifted away from.

December 23, 2017

It’s interesting to reflect on this card today because I’ve been working hard to cut some cords that no longer serve me.  I’ve realized that I need to cut cords with John and quit getting all swirly about what he does or does not do in his life.  I’ve worked hard to let go of being judgmental and to let go of commenting on other people’s decisions that don’t affect me, but with him I continue to judge.  I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants him to fail and have a miserable life because of how he abused me and hurt me.  However, all that holding on to that anger does is keep me tied to him.  I need to let go of that rope that is keeping me tied down because it truly no longer serves me.

I also need to let go of someone who was so instrumental in my healing, but who no longer has a true role to play in my life.  I need to be grateful for the unconditional love he gave me and accept that our paths have diverged.

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April 20, 2016

Ace of Air Gaian Tarot

Deck:  Gaian Tarot

Journaling:

Oddly enough, I initially read this card as reversed as the butterfly is hanging upside down.  To me this card reversed would be about cocooning and not being ready to go through a change.  However, the card is actually upright and shows me blossoming and being ready to spread my wings and fly.

I think I’m finally in a place were I can really love.  I can accept that I am worthy of love and worthy to be someone’s partner.

December 25, 2017

Last year in a lot of ways was about laying the groundwork for being ready for love.  It was about understanding what unconditional love is and what it isn’t.  Unconditional love is about loving someone in spite of their annoying habits and idiosyncrasies, but it is not about loving someone who is abusive.  It is also not about sacrificing yourself on the altar of love.  John demanded sacrifices that I wasn’t willing or ready to give and his favorite line was, “Well if you loved me, you would..”  However, that’s not what love is.  Love is not about forcing or guilting someone in to doing something.  It is about giving and receiving love with an open heart. 

Love doesn’t mean that you have the right to demand someone sacrifice themselves for you.  You can accept someone’s sacrifice, but you cannot demand it.  John constantly browbeat me and manipulated me under the pretense of love.  I’m strong enough now to accept and realize that if he truly loved me, he would not have demanded the sacrifices he demanded. 

I’m so proud of how much I have grown and matured in the past year because I am in a place where I understand what love is and I understand that it is okay to say no to someone you love and that it is okay to set boundaries with someone you love.

 May 25, 2022

Deck:  Tarot of Little Secrets

First Impressions:  Sisterhood, escaping under the dark of night, escaping domestic violence, going into the void together

Book:  Cutting losses, escaping, carried pain, relocation

Guidance: Everything moves in its own time

Journaling:

Working with K is interesting as she is not escaping domestic violence, but she is leaving behind a bad situation to move on and what I see in her is some of the same reluctance that I saw in myself. My marriage was horrible, but it was what I knew.  It was what I had been raised to believe was what I was supposed to do:  stay with someone who abused me because I had taken a vow.  There are days I really hate my mother for how much she fucked up my head.  How she taught me that love was pain and that no matter what I was supposed to stay married.  

There is a part of me that feels that I was totally stupid for believing that and a part of me that blames myself, but the reality is that she was my mother and she was supposed to love and nurture me, but she didn’t do that.  She hurt me and taught me that I was disposable.  I know that I am a strong and independent woman, but there is a part of me that is a scared little girl.  I’m getting the message to set up an altar to that scared little girl and to take care of her.

Where: I’m home today.  I worked from home and after work, I went to Metro to work with K. on her resume.  It actually felt really good to sit with her and help her on her resume.  It made me feel like I was doing something useful and productive.

Weather:  The weather was nice today.  It was a little chilly, but the sun was out

Moon Phase:  Waning Crescent, 23%

Sunrise / Sunset: 5:56 am / 8:49

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February 21, 2022

Deck:  Light Seer’s Tarot

First Impressions:  Sadness, grief at leaving a place with meaning.  Birds moving on

Book:  Transitions, help arriving at the perfect time, healing, moving beyond trauma

Guidance:   Ask for and accept help

Journaling:

Where I’m At:  I’m at home sitting in my living room, feeling the peace of my altar as I am reminded of the healing power of the earth.  Clark is snoring on the ottoman with his snoot covered up by a blanket.  I’m supposed to go to Open Table tonight, but I’m exhausted and my sinuses are acting up.  I also have to admit that it just feels like an overwhelming amount of effort to take a shower, get dressed, and go out.  Even though the world is opening up, more and more I feel like hiding.  I just feel overwhelmed by everything.  However, I also know that a big part of why I feel overwhelmed today is that I ODed on sugar yesterday.  I ate 4 donuts, a candy bar, 64 oz of juice, and probably a bunch more garbage.  The thing is that it didn’t even make me feel good.  It just made me feel more and more draggy and gross and my mood became more and more depressed.  

The problem is that I hate my job so much that I use food, especially sugar, to distract myself.  Then I pay the price because I feel depressed and draggy.  I’m working to take care of myself today by drinking lots of water to flush out my body and relaxing.  

Mood:  I’m mostly in a good mood, but I am exhausted as Wendy was limping so I slept on the couch with her.  As a result, I am a little cranky and stiff.

Weather:   It is actually beautiful out as it is 51 degrees and as I write this I’m hearing a bird outside.

Moon Phase:  Waning Gibbous 76%

Sunrise / Sunset: 7:13 am/ 6:07 pm

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August 9, 2019

Deck:  Tarot de St. Croix

First Impressions:  Journeying, venturing out

Book:  Journey out of consciousness

Guidance:  Allow yourself to be led out of the darkness

Journaling

Leaving home and setting out on a trip is always about shifts in consciousness.  It is about leaving behind what is familiar and setting out with only the things we need into the unknown.  Even if the route has been well mapped, there is still a sense of difference and moving into something less familiar.  There is always a sense that there are new lessons to be learned and potential danger even if the road is well traveled.

We had a beautiful drive through Ohio and West Virginia.  We went exploring and found Salt Lake State Park which is a huge park with camping, a cave, and lots of trails.  It’s a place that we may venture back to with the dogs for a weekend or for a few days of R&R.  One of the things I love about traveling with Cam is that we just meander, we let ourselves explore the interesting side roads and byways.  I think that’s the best part of travel as you see new things and you learn new things.  I know that as we were driving, I had the sense of leaving all my cares behind and finding my way toward peace.

One of the coolest things that happened was that as we were going through the mountains and we were talking about how hitchhikers were dumb and putting themselves at risk, we both smelled perfume or hotel soap in the car.  The smell just came upon us all of the sudden and it filled the car.  Both Cam and I smelled it.  I’m not sure if it was a ghost or what, but it was pretty cool.

We ended our night in a Motel 6 and I always find it funny that I feel so much like it is traveling and vacation when I stay at cheap hotels.  Staying at more expensive hotels always feels like work, which makes sense because those are the hotels I stay in when I work.  There is just a sense of adventure in staying at cheap hotels because it feels so transient and as if this is where we are tonight, but tomorrow we’ll be somewhere else.

May 21, 2019

Deck:  World Spirit Tarot

First Impressions: Fleeing, walking away, courage

Book:  Journeys of all kinds, taking a trip, change of consciousness, exploring realms on the other side

Guidance:  The time has come to leave old pain, places, and patterns behind, choose to take the next steps

Journaling:

This is such a card of courage and commitment and that’s where I’m at right now as I am choosing to commit to my new life and to leave my hold life behind.  It’s funny, buying a house with John in 2007 was a bigger commitment than marriage because it involved my financial security and he came close to destroying me financially when he walked out because he chose not to help and he chose to just walk away.   The funny thing is that at the time that I signed the paperwork I knew it would end poorly, but I chose to take the commitment because I believed that it was a commitment that would save my marriage.  It did not.

Buying a house in 2015 and choosing to move to Cleveland was my physical moving on and leaving behind Chicago and all that it entailed.  What I just found out from two close friends from Chicago as they both viewed it as a spiritual graduation of sorts as I was taking charge of my own life and making deliberate choices versus drifting.  It was a huge step in my growth, but I’m still working on moving forward and finding my way.  What I have found is that, as the text from the World Spirit, book says, “…the hardest part may be getting over your fear of moving into unknown territory.”  For me, unknown territory means choosing to claim my life as my own and choosing to move forward alone instead of waiting for someone to share my life with.  

It is a little scary to accept that I may always be alone, but it is also very liberating as well as it means that I don’t have to subjugate myself to anyone.  I can paint my bathroom pink if I want to, I can buy a little red sports car, I can live my life according to my own wishes and not have to take someone else’s opinions into consideration.  It’s liberating and scary all at the same time, but I’m finally ready.

Exercise:

Pull the six of swords from your favorite deck, climb into the boat, and sail toward your destiny.

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August 23, 2017

Six of Air Dark Goddess Tarot

Deck:  Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Movement

Book:  Goddess of arts, healing, and battle, being initiated to battle, this is a time of learning

Guidance:  Accept guidance and find your purpose, prepare for challenges, learn from trusted teachers, balance activities

Journaling:

Wow!  What an interesting card to draw today for what I learned from today.  I’ve been asking what the next steps are and where I go from here.  I’m being led and this card is telling me to accept guidance and find my purpose.  Every time I ask to be led, it keeps coming back to tarot.  I love tarot and it has really helped me to make that final push to heal and all of the work I’ve done to date has been amazing, but it is the tarot work that has been pushing me thee last few yards.

What I love about it is that it is the same that is different.  I read the cards with my mind and my heart.  I will continue to pray and meditate and allow myself to be guided wherever this journey takes me.

December 18, 2017

I’m still not sure what it all means, but I know I cannot earn what I earn now by doing tarot and I need to earn my salary.

December 25, 2017

The message I’m being given is to trust and I will be taken care of.  I need to trust that it will all turn out the way it is meant to.  It is incredibly hard to live a life of trust and surrender as those two words are the antithesis of my personality, but I really need to let go of my need to control my destiny and trust that they have something amazing and wonderful in store for me and that all I need to do is to take the next step.  I know I’ve been guided to where I’m at today and that the next step has appeared as I’ve needed to take it, so why should I doubt that they will continue to guide me and be there for me?

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October 20, 2016

Deck:  Fairie Tarot

First Impressions:  Moving away from chaos, calm seas ahead

Book:  Journey, passage away from hardship, moving on, but bringing baggage

Guidance:  Cut one’s losses and move on, unload some baggage

Journaling

Definitely a message that I’ve been getting lately that I need to let go of the baggage and move on  It is also something that I’ve been trying to do, but i keep getting dragged back to Chicago.  I’m ready to move on, but I keep being stuck in projects in Chicago and I don’t know why I’m stuck in Chicago or what lessons I’m supposed to be learning.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing that the lesson I needed to learn was that I needed to make an actual decision to leave Chicago and t cut ties.  As long as I was choosing to keep one foot in the city, I was keeping myself bound to Chicago.  I had to deliberately make the decision to not keep going back to Chicago for emotional fulfillment.  That has been a really hard decision for me to make, but it was the right decision for me and my decision not to go to Chicago with Sean a few months ago really helped move me in the right direction.