Two of Swords – Cairn by Cairn

Shadow Work — Day 24

What am I looking for in my relationships?

Maker Five tells me I want full transparency and honesty in a relationship. I do not want someone who is hiding anything. I also want someone who is capable of asking for help and doesn’t use passive aggressive tactics to manipulate me. I want someone capable of having an honest conversation about who they are, what they want from a relationship, etc.

Dreamer Two is all about making decisions. I want someone who knows what they want and goes after it. I don’t want someone who is purely a dreamer who thinks up great schemes, but never does the hard work required to make things happen. John had great ideas, but he never had the grit and the gumption to bring them to fruition. I need someone with grit and gumption who will actually follow through.

Maker Two echoes that theme in telling me I want someone who takes responsibility for their life. Who is capable of owning their mistakes and who doesn’t constantly blame others for their sorry state in life.

All of these cards are telling me that I want a grownup and not a little boy.

Shadow Work–Day 15

How do I stop my shadow from stifling relationships?

The Fool is almost too cliched in this reading as he is telling me that I have to take a leap of faith. I cannot stay in the safety of my own head. I have to leap out and take risks and meet people. I also have to trust that even if things don’t go as I would like, that there is a plan and that the divine has my back.

The choice is mine, according to Dreamer Two. I can choose to stay in the darkness and be alone or I can choose to venture out into the sunshine and make friends and have relationships. I can’t blame anyone else for my being lonely if I am choosing to be alone.

Maker Prince brings it home by telling me I can find the gift of connection if I follow the advice of the Fool and Dreamer Two. I will make friends and I will find the love I am looking for if I am courageous enough to step outside my comfort zone.

And I normally pull three cards, but a fourth card was a tagalong with the Maker Prince and I could not resist turning it over. It was Warrior Princess, the gift of courage. This is spirit’s way of telling me that I will be given the courage I need to step outside my comfort zone.

Daily Draw: Two of Swords

First Impressions: Decisions

Book: Experiencing conflict between logic and intuition, battle between head and heart remains unsolved

Guidance: You have to decide, lock on the decision and decide, pretending it isn’t there, won’t make it go away

Journaling

I’ve made my decision. I’m going to manifest a relationship with X. I know the risks an I know the potential hurt, but I’m ready to move forward. Life is not without risk and pain and unless I embrace this fully, it will not happen. No more wimpy magick that says or something better. There is no something better. He is who I want and that’s that. And I’m not going to focus on the downsides or how it will play out, I’m going for it.

November 25, 2017

Making a decision to truly commit and go for it is a little difficult, but I’m ready. I’ve been working on letting go of all the excuses I’ve come up with for it not working and I’m done making excuses.

I am worthy and I deserve happiness.

November 9, 2018

I’m realizing that it truly is because I am worthy and deserve happiness that the relationship with X did not happen. I’m realizing that at the end of the day, a relationship between us would not have worked. While he lives in my work world, he doesn’t live in my spiritual world and that just wouldn’t work. I’ve realized that while I was not the desperate divorcee that became a barfly, I was desperate in my own way and chased someone that would have been equally bad for me because I was lonely and had no self esteem. Now that I am truly valuing myself, I’m realizing that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that wouldn’t work.

Daily Draw: Two of Swords (R)

First Impressions: Decisions

Book: Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance: Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now. I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn’t what I want. I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago. I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here. For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week.

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it. I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago. For the longest time, I’ve chosen to stay with one foot in each city. However, I’m realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back. I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind. he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go. Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago.