Two – Cairn by Cairn

Two of Fire

Two of Fire
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I love this card because it is so more more engaged than the typical two of wands where the man is looking passively out at the ocean. Hekate is truly engaged and actively looking at the path.

Book: You don’t need a path to find your way, she releases her powers in the three realms, walking the spirit walk between the worlds, seize the moment

Guidance: When you hear a dog, think about the path you are on; when at a crossroads, move toward what you know to be true; take the first step, and it will lead you toward what you know to be true

Journaling:

I love this reading, especially about taking the next meaningful and appropriator action and then you will be provided with the next. This reminds me of the cairns and the lesson that they taught me.

As I reflect, I realize that the lesson is really one of trust. Walking to the first cairn, I had to trust that the next one would be there. I suppose it is that way with the reset of my life as well, I have to trust that the next cairn will be there. That’s really really hard for me as I want the whole path laid out for me at once, but that’s not how the world works.

I don’t know what the next adventure that awaits me is, but all I need to know is what the next step is, so what is the net step? Have I missed it by being stubborn?

Message from my guides

No my child, you haven’t missed it. You are right where you need to be. Continue putting one foot in front of the other. Continue to meditate and feel the peace all the way down to your belly. Trust your heart, trust in love, trust in yourself

January 8, 2018

Even though every instinct in my body says it is time to move on from my job and it is time to leap, they are telling me very clearly to stay put. I’ve always been the one who got dissatisfied and leaped rather than stay and work through the feelings of discomfort. They are telling me that there are lessons to be learned in trust and perseverance. They’re telling me to sit with the discomfort instead of running from it. I can find all sorts of ways to justify running, but they are telling me that none of them are valid. The funny thing is that I stayed in my marriage way too long even though I knew it was time to leave but I would leave jobs at the drop of a hat.

The funny thing is that I have been better about not leaving jobs since John and I split up, but the instincts are often still there just like they are now. I’m going to choose to trust them.

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First impressions: Heart Connection

Book: Union creating a unique energy that is mystical and special, uniting opposing qualities

Guidance: Faced with opportunity to partner with someone, honor the gift of the moment and enjoy it, enjoy the magic, do not let it engulf you

Journaling

The truth of the matter is that it is actually not unusual for my daughter to not answer the phone. She rarely has the ringer on so it is always hit or miss whether she will answer. I really just need to let go and trust that she’s being held and is okay. I know she needs rest but it’s really hard not being home. Sean will be there this afternoon, so all we can do is wait.

October 27, 2018

On the surface, this does not sound like I am addressing the card, but at the moment I was so overwhelmed and scared because Cam had gone incommunicado. However, this is about heart connection. Cam and Sean are my heart and it hurts when I am afraid for them. The good thing is that she was perfectly fine and was just sleeping late.

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First impressions: Juggling

Book: Full life, ability to keep everything flowing resourceful, flexible, accountability

Guidance: Be aware of overdoing for the sake of admiration of others

Journaling

This card for me is about juggling various tasks and trying to stay in balance. There are days I feel so completely unbalanced and I know my sugar addiction is a big part of the reason. I see sweets and go nuts. My body just has to have sugar even though I know it is killing me. I see my numbers go up and up when I have sugar, but I can’t stop shoving it in my face. I guess that is how alcohol and cigarettes are for John. He knows they are killing him, but he can’t stop.

Dearest ones, please change me into someone who is loving and non-judgemental. Help me to remember that everyone has different struggles and some of those struggles are with addiction. Please help me to let go of my need for sugar. Please help me break its hold on me.

July 9, 2018

I’m realizing the more I start loving myself that my sugar addiction is truly an addiction. it is not a matter of will power, being a crappy person, or having a death wish. It is an addiction and it truly has a grip on me. I need to work to turn it over and to find resources to help me heal.

Two of Wands (R)

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First Impressions: What I love about this card is it is clearly about choices and choosing between two options. I also love the deer standing in the path as it makes me think of my back yard. Reversed this card tell me that I might be putting off decisions.

Book; Follow your gut, do not tarry, make your move, acting on a decision, fear of poverty, boredom

Guidance: Don’t spoil things over boredom

Journaling:

I’m feeling so lost and lonely right now. I want a simple life with someone who loves me. The problem is that this is not a decision I can make. I have to be passive and that’s hard.

January 25, 2017

I’ve realized over the past year or so that I do not have to be passive in my search for love and I do not have to do the stupid online dating sites either. My job is simply to open myself up for love by eliminating the things standing between me and love. Those things include emotional clutter such as anger and resentment and physical clutter. I’m working on letting go of the emotional baggage and taking steps to meet new people. Those are very positive steps I can make. I’m also working on forgiveness and letting go of the anger. My anger can eat me up sometimes as I think John and my mother both screwed me up, but holding on to that anger serves no useful purpose. I need to let go of the anger, learn the lessons, and move on.

Daily Draw: Two of Cups

First Impressions: Traditional, Friendship, Love

Book: Balance, Dualism, Card of Soul Mates, promise of healing, completing, sharing

Guidance: Cooperate, Work to Balance

Journaling

Although the book readings and traditional two of cups are about love and partnership, this card strikes me as lonely. The woman is sitting in her tower with a bird for company. The look on her face is sad and very bleak. this card kind of sums up how lonely I feel lately. I am very lonely and I feel like the good stuff is passing me by. I feel like all I do is work.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing this card isn’t lonely as much as showing a need to let people in and let ourselves be cared for by others even if those others don’t appear to be what we’re looking for. I think the message from the universe is about having people and beings in our lives who recognize our pain and who are there for us when we need them The little critters are there to cheer her up and to bring stardust into her life. This card is about people who love you showing up for you.

When I look at the card i this context, I do have people who love me and who show up for me when I need them. The kids are always there for me, Clark shows up and cuddles and makes me laugh. People at work are supportive of what I’m trying to accomplish. Even though I don’t have the love of my life, I am loved and supported.

Daily Draw: Two of Swords (R)

First Impressions: Decisions

Book: Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance: Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now. I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn’t what I want. I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago. I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here. For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week.

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it. I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago. For the longest time, I’ve chosen to stay with one foot in each city. However, I’m realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back. I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind. he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go. Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago.

Two of Pentacles

Two of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The pentacles are in an infinity symbol like on most decks. There are boats in the background. The boy has his eyes closed. Overall, this two of pentacles appears less stressed/manic than the two of pentacles in other decks. This deck makes me think about juggling or managing multiple projects and/or priorities.

Book: Balance, trust, playfulness, need to seek balance, calm yourself, keep a sense of humor, you may have two many balls in the air.

Guidance: Conciously seek balance, find ways to balance work and personal, keep your sense of humor and don’t lose site of the fact that most things in life are not that serious.

Journaling:

Interesting card to pull and to meditate on. The message that I’m getting is that sometimes I’m juggling and keeping things alive that I should just let go of. There are things that are just not worthy of my time and/or attention. One of those things right now is being pissed at Meg about Gateway. I’ve said my piece, now I just need to let it go and see what happens. There is nothing that I can do to change the situation today so I just need to focus on what I can control and let go of the rest. Sometimes there are balls that it is okay to drop.

December 23, 2017

I’ve gotten much better at dropping balls that no longer have meaning for me and that aren’t worth my time and energy. Worry is one ball that I’ve been working hard to let go of. There are so many things in life that I cannot control and spending time worrying about them just doesn’t help matters.

My quest for the love of a particular someone is also something I need to drop. I need to quit obsessing and just see what happens. I’ve spent way too much time and energy focusing on him and I need to let go. That’s a big part of the reason that I’ve been working to let go of Chicago. Going back there keeps me entangled and that’s not healthy for me. What will be will be and I need to let it go.

I also need to let go of John. I really do hate him for what he’s done to me and how he hurt me, but carrying that crap around is not healthy for me. He will get what is coming to him and what his Karma is. I just need to let go

Two of Water (Reversed)

Two of Cups
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This is a card of unconditional love. I love how she is hugging her dog, you can totally feel the love coming off of both of them. As this card is reversed, it is talking to me of love withheld.

Journaling:

Again I’m getting a card about ending relationships and about co-dependency. I know it is time to let go of a X and move on. He’s pulled away and it is time for me to let go and accept that it isn’t going to happen. The sad thing is that I really miss his friendship. I miss having someone in my life who knows me that well.

Even if there may be a time in the future when we are meant to be together, that time is not now. Now is the time to open my heart to love and ask the universe for guidance as to what I want in a relationship. It is time open my heart and manifest the relationship that is right for me.

It is also the time to let go of my anger at my mother. She is who she is and I cannot change her. I don’t want to say she is incapable of learning and /or growing, but at the end of the day it is not my problem. I have to accept her as she is and choose what our relationship looks like. I tried to let her into my life on a limited basis and she chose to break that trust. Maybe I need to look at this from a different perspective: I chose to cut her out of my life because it was the best choice for me, just like John chose to walk away because it was the best choice for him.

December 29, 2017

The end of my marriage still bothers me a lot and the farther away I get and the more able I am to put things into perspective, I realize that it doesn’t bother me that it ended, it bothers me the way it ended and that John treated me with such disrespect. He told the kids before me, he didn’t help move out or settle the house, he expected me to just live there by myself. However, as I told Cam about something else today, when people treat you like crap that is all about them! It shows that he is a totally crappy person with no manners and he is not someone I need in my life.

The very best lesson I learned from my marriage is that I deserve respect and that if someone does not treat me with respect, they are not in my life for long.