Category: Ten of Pentacles

Daily Draw: Ten of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Stability, happy and prosperous home

Book:  This could relate to family matters.  This card is about getting what you want and reveling in it

Guidance:  Appreciate what you have, keep plugging away

Journaling

This is an interesting card and I’m not sure how to read it. What my heart is telling me is that this represents a happy and successful love relationship.  I’m currently a 9 of pentacles, a single and successful woman, but this card brings in that loving partnership that I desire.  This card is about the culmination and the partnership.

However,looking at it this way makes me feel something in my life is lacking and there really isn’t.  Overall, I’m happy and it is nice to be able to make decisions on my own.  It could also mean that family issues are coming to a head.  Could it be something to do with Charlene?  That s also a possibility and that’s more shit I don’t want to deal with.

I guess I just need to let go and see what happens because the reality is that until I know more, there is nothing I can do.

December 27, 2018

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past year is that family comes in all shapes and sizes and that the most important aspects are love, happiness, and stability.  I feel like over the past eight years, the kids and I have really built a happy and stable home where everyone feels safe.  I’m not messing around and delaying getting home because I don’t want to deal with his anger and rage.  His anger and depression were a thing onto themselves and they really fueled the energy in the home.  It always felt like pins and needles walking in the door and I never knew what kind of reaction I was going to get.

Now, I know that there isn’t all the anger and hate and rage.  Sometimes the energy at home gets kind of wonky, but mostly it is calm and peaceful.  I like coming home and knowing that I am safe.  Living with John, I never knew if I was going to be safe.  There was sure to be some kind of putdown or anger. 

The day I really knew how much he was negatively impacting me was the day before his heart attack.  He was downtown on his mini vacation and I was out doing my own thing.  The thing I remember about that day is how free and happy I felt because I knew that I was going home to a safe space because he wasn’t there to put me down and hurt me.  At first I felt guilty when he had his heart attack, but I’ve realized that there is nothing for me to feel guilty about.  He brought this all on himself and I don’t need to feel guilty about not wanting to be around someone who was angry and abusive.

Daily Draw: Ten of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Wealth, stability

Book:  Wisdom accumulated from families, passing on wisdom

Guidance:  Listen to what ancestors have to say

Journaling

Sometimes I am so jealous of people who have big families as it means having people you can rely on in your life and I don’t really have anyone I can rely on.  STOP!  I am done with that message that the line of thinking that keeps me not trusting anyone and keeps me locked in a solitary prison of my own creation.  There are people who will support me and care for me.  I just have to put down my shields and let people in.  I have to trust.  Part of my being able to trust is keeping myself focused on the page.  I do so much better when I am kamikazi personal growth mode because I am continuing to batter down the doors.  It is when I stop journaling and stop making time for me that I struggle.   Big groups are difficult for me because I struggle when I do not get enough time alone.  I just need to focus on the things that help me grow.

December 25, 2018

It’s funny because I was thinking about the topic of having a kamikazi approach to life this week and I realized that it is not just my personal growth that I take that approach to, it is everything.  And I cannot do that with everything in my life or I burn myself out.  I’ve realized that I need to find the balance that is right for me in life.  For me, that is about 75 percent time alone to do my own thing and about 25 percent of the time with people.  Any more people time than that and I am unhappy and cranky.  I also know that for me one on one time or small groups works better than big groups.  I feel lost in big groups.

I think the bottom line is that I need an approach that works for me.  When I try an approach that works for others, it might not work for me.

Shadow Work–Day 26

Going forward what does my attitude on relationships need to be?

Maker Ten tells me that I create my own stability and that I need to own that.  If I have a poverty consciousness around relationships or finances, then that is what I will create.  Just as I have created wealth around material things, I can also choose to create wealth around relationships by having an open heart and being loving.  One of the key things about creating emotional wealth is knowing that I am worthy of having friends and relationships.  I am not some hideous monster to be hidden in the corner, which is what I sometimes thing.  I deserve love and friendship.

Dreamer Six is about taking a journey and choosing what to take with me and what to leave behind.  I can choose to drag around all the drama from my childhood or I can choose to learn the lessons from my childhood and take those lessons with me and leave behind the pain and the bullshit.  There is nothing to be served by dragging the pain and drama with me.

Dancer Nine tells me that my relationships and my life will be what I dream into being.  I can choose to hide under the covers in fear or I can choose to dream a beautiful and amazing life for myself.  This card is also about opening my heart and inviting people in.

The bottom line from this reading is that I can choose what my relationships look like.

Shadow Work–Day 10

How does my shadow influence how others see me?

Dancer Three tells me that I often go overboard to hide the pain in my heart.  At home, I am very much an introvert and don’t really have any friends.  I freak out and am truly terrified of meeting anyone.  However, I cover this up by being an extrovert at work, being bubbly, interacting with people, teasing them, etc.  I don’t feel like I can truly be myself so I hide who I am in and that influences how others see me because they see the mask I put on instead of the real me.

Maker Ten is another card that tells me i do a good job of maintaining the illusion and only letting people see what I want them to see.  I don’t want people to see who I truly am.  To see how damaged I am so I go overboard on putting on the happy camper face.  This card also goes into why I stayed in my miserable marriage so long.  I was so terrified of anyone thinking I wasn’t perfect or anyone judging me for getting divorced, that I stayed and put on the happy face instead of doing the right thing.

Interestingly, even though I do a good job of putting o the happy face and sometimes playing the fool, Dancer King tells me that people see me has having great emotional depth and being deeper than I let on sometimes.  This card also tells me that sometimes people who are sensitive can see the despair and loneliness in my soul even though I work hard to keep it hidden.

Ten of Pentacles (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot–Ten of Pentacles (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions:  Loss of assets, lost of stability

Book:  Holding on to things you have no use for, disenfranchised and outside the system, unconventional
Guidance:  Norms be damned, be unconventional
Journaling
I’m reading this card as closing myself off to receiving blessings.  My intuition tells me at a deep soul level that a relationship with someone loving would be amazing, but I’m closing myself off and shutting that door because I’m afraid.  I’m terrified of meeting someone and getting close to them, then having them reject me.  This would be even more devastating if it was someone I was already friends with and I lost their friendship as well as their love.  I need to let go of these fears and open my heart and that is the hardest flipping thing I’ve ever done.
Update 11/07/17
After a year of receiving messages from the cards and my guides that I need to open my heart and be willing to take a risk, I think I’m finally ready to do that.  I’m embarking on a year of love to focus on opening myself up to love.  More about this in another post.

Daily Draw: Ten of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions:  Focus on love and emotional ties over vanity and status

Book:  Emotional loss, loss of belongings, home life is not fulfilling, no sense of fulfillment

Guidance:  Focus on love, be open

Journaling

This was a good reminder that it isn’t all about money.  it is important to focus on emotional fulfillment as well as financial fulfillment.  I think we did that by going out to dinner and having a nice evening out.  The carriage ride was the icing on the cake and it was awesome to learn about our city from someone who really gets it.

May 27, 2018

I’m realizing that like with all things there needs to be a balance between money and emotions.  I always thought that John and I were happy, but I’m realizing that being poor kept us together.  We were both so worried about being broke, that it was easier to stay together than to contemplate being single and broke.  The house was what truly broke us apart because we really could not afford it and it exposed all of the cracks in our relationship.

Interestingly enough, I’m making so much more money now and I feel so much more secure than I did when I had to rely on John to pay his half of the bills.  He was never very reliable and deep down inside I knew it, but I kept lying to myself about his reliability and I kept believing his lies.  I remember when we were really struggling and he kept refusing to get a job.  Or when he had a job and he quit because he didn’t like it and didn’t do anything to get a new one.

Looking back, I realize that he was suffering anxiety and depression then, but he refused to admit it.  He was so much better at self medicating than facing his problems and doing what needed to be done.  Even though I know that he was depressed and struggling, it is still hard for me to feel compassion for him because he chose not to do the right thing and he chose to make us all pay for his depression. 

There is a part of me that feels like I will never trust anyone again because I am afraid of being taken advantage of, but that is not a good way to live.  I need to accept that I am stronger now and I am in a much better place than  I was eight years ago.