Tarot of the Sidhe – Page 2

Shadow Work–Day 17

What is the main cause of my negative traits in relationships?

Dreamer Queen is back to tell me that one of the causes of my negative traits in relationships is that I live in my head and that I prefer books to people. Oddly enough I lead with my heart at work because I love what I do, in my personal life I very much lead with my head because my head is what keeps me safe. My heart made the bad decision to marry John so I have to pay for the rest of my life by living in my head. However, I have a choice and I can choose to take a more balanced approach and listen to both my heart and my head.

Warrior Five tells me that I put obstacles in my own way by continually coming up with excuses to not find love and to not let people in. I can always find something else to occupy my time or something else to do versus letting people in and spending time with people.

Oh the cards are talkative tonight. The last card I pulled is the Hermit and that is so true because I would rather stay in my comfort zone than get out and meet people. Oddly enough, this card rankles me sometimes because my ex used to say I was a hermit and it made me angry because he said it in such a derogatory manner. When we divorced, I embraced being a hermit because it meant that I could control who came into my life and I didn’t have to play by his rules anymore. However, I may have gone too far and built the walls too high.

Shadow Work–Day 16

What negative aspects of my shadow do I project?

As much as I love the Dancer Two card in its aspect of soulmate, the message it gives me about this question is that I often turn my back to people I love. If things get too emotionally intense, I will back away and be standoffish rather than be emotionally available and open to another person. I also tend to pull away when conversations get too personal. I don’t like to let people in because of my fear of being hurt so I walk away and show my back.

The flip side of this is Dreamer Ten which tells me that if I get comfortable with someone I can bleed my emotional pain all over someone else. Up until recently, I’ve taken emotional hostages and expected them to be my emotional support human and take whatever pain and ick I’ve dredged up. If they pulled back or had their own issues, I got angry because they weren’t there for me in the the way I needed them to be there for me.

Dreamer Queen sitting on her pile of books tells me that when I am in uncomfortable situations, I approach them from a place of the mind and not the heart. This reminds me of my original list of qualifications for a partner. Because my ex was basically a deadbeat, my first criteria for being with someone was that they made as much or more than I do. A lot of people pointed out to me that I was ruling out a lot of potential partners on something arbitrary. They made the argument that a lot of guys were not like my ex and were self supporting and would not have their ego’s bruised by someone making more money than they did. To a certain extent, I see their point, but my fear has kept me from removing that criteria.

As always with the Tarot of the Sidhe, I’m getting a lot of good reads that are truly speaking truths I need to hear.

Shadow Work–Day 14

What part of my shadow stifles relationships?

Dreamer Four tells me that I value my me time over relationships and it is true because a lot of times if the decision comes down to chilling at home and going out to meet people, I will choose to stay home and chill. I don’t necessarily think that that is a bad thing because I am very much an introvert and need my recharging time, but I can’t sit and bitch and moan about not having a lot of friends if I am going to consciously choose alone time over meeting people. There is also a possibility that I choose alone time over meeting people because I am afraid of interacting and being hurt.

Strength is another card that makes a lot of sense in this reading as I am a very strong and fierce individual and I don’t need a lot of help navigating life. Additionally, because I am afraid of meeting people, I often choose to be strong and just get things done versus asking for help. I can never be disappointed and have people say no if I never ask.

One of the things that I am realizing as I mature and heal is that I sometimes have problems differentiating between illusion and intuition when it is something I have strong feelings about. The Moon is telling me that because I am terrified of being hurt either intentionally or unintentionally, I an convince myself that my intuition is telling me I should not do something when in reality it is my fear.

These cards were really spot on and they are forcing me to look at how my fear is manifesting itself in my life and how I’m using a lot of excuses to prevent myself from meeting people.

Shadow Work–Day 13

How does my shadow influence how I see other people?

Not sure why the cards told me to draw four cards for this question

Warrior Three tells me I like to be distant from other people. I either like to be the center of attention or I like to be on the sidelines. I don’t like to let people in. I also like it when we are focused on an activity or something and not on each other. This pretty much sums up who I am. Everyone things I’m a very gregarious extrovert because I do well in work situations where we are interacting with a goal in mind. We are working as a team to accomplish something and I do great in those situations. It is interacting with people in more casual and relaxed settings that I struggle with.

Dancer Princess tells me that I see other people as being better able to relax and play than I am. I see myself as consigned to a life of drudgery while everyone else gets to have fun. That may just be a reflection of where I’m at right now as I’m sitting here working at 10 pm and my cohorts have all logged off. I’m feeling a little resentful about that right now.

The High Priestess is another card that tells me I like to view people from a distance and set myself apart. Sometimes I see them through a veil as if they aren’t really existing on the same plane of existence that I’m on.

The Moon is the card that leaped out of the deck last and it reiterates the message above that I see people from a distance and almost as if through a veil. The Moon tells me that I see their reflections and don’t truly see them. It is almost as if I don’t see them as fully formed, but see them as existing only in relation to me.

These messages are really profound, but it is going to take me some time to reflect on them as they are incredibly deep.

Shadow Work–Day 12

How do I integrate my shadow?

Dreamer King tells me to cut through the illusions and the bullshit. I have spent enough time working on healing work that I know it is bullshit to think everyone will treat me like my ex-husband. I also need to cut through my old beliefs that came from my misogynistic upbringing. I do not need a man to be happy. I do not need a man to be successful. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with and confide in, but I am a fully functional human being all by myself without anyone else. That is a really hard concept for me because I saw how divorced women were treated when I grew up (and yes that was in the 70’s and 80’s). Divorced women were to be pitied for not being able to keep their men and they were expected to either go out and get a new man or to move in with their parents. Intellectually I know that is total garbage, but I guess there was a part of me that believed that bullshit. Dreamer King tells me that I have the responsibility to let go of that way of thinking.

Dancer Two is a card that I love because it shows the soul mates back to back instead of face to face. I like this because it tells me that soul mates can be connected and always be there for the other, but that being soulmates doesn’t mean I have to be completely focused on the other person. Even though we are partners and together, we can still have our own lives and our own interests. This is the complete opposite of my marriage where John said he wanted us to build our own interests, but every time I tried he sabotaged me. I wanted to go back to school and he put up road blocks. I started working out after work and he started taking an earlier train so I’d have to pick him up sooner. He also expected me to be interested in everything he did and got pouty when I wasn’t interested in football. That is now how a relationship should work and that is the very clear message I’m getting from Dancer Two.

Dreamer Eight tells me that I sometimes get caught up in my own illusions and it is okay to cut through them and to recognize them for what they are. I have chosen to trap myself and it is time to free myself. I have it within my power to cut through everything that is holding me back and to step out of the trap. All that is holding me back is my own beliefs. This card has come up multiple times lately as it came up for my card of the day on Friday and it came up when someone read for me. The universe is screaming at me that it is time to step out of my own constraints.

Shadow Work–Day 11

Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Dreamer Ten tells me that I hesitate in relationships because I am terrified of getting hurt. I’m terrified of having my heart ripped out again and I know that I could not handle this hurt again. Interestingly enough, Ten of Swords came up yesterday in a reading I received yesterday as a reason that I hesitate in relationships and it is a mental block and not a block from my heart. My brain has convinced me that I am unlovable, that I am not worthy of love, and that everyone out there who might be interested in me will take advantage of me and bleed me dry. I am projecting all of the hurt from my ex-husband on everyone else. As long as I continue projecting on everyone else, I will never be able to have a relationship because I will keep everyone at arm’s length.

Dreamer Nine is interesting as I have nightmares about not being loved and being unloved forever, but it is my own fear that is keeping love at bay. There is no room in my life for love as long as I am haunted by nightmares of being hurt. I think it is time that I actually addressed the physical and emotional abuse that I received. For the most part, I’ve dealt with the emotional abuse and am in a place where I would recognize emotional abuse for what it was. I’ve also gotten so much stronger at setting boundaries and cutting people out of my life. I would also walk away after the first time someone hit me, but I’m terrified of letting someone close enough for there to be a first time. My mind has built barriers to opening up and letting people in to protect my body.

Dancer Seven is telling me that I am drowning in these illusions. I have so bought into my belief that anyone I meet would hurt me that I can’t seem to release this and let it go. I have built my barricades up so high and I am so convinced that my only alternative is to keep people out. This is why I am in such a place of fear and it is so difficult for me to actually connect with people and make friends and have relationships.

This was an incredibly powerful and insightful reading and it has identified something I didn’t realize before as I had kind of shrugged off the physical abuse my ex put me through and focused on the emotional abuse, but I’ve realized that my mind has built a lot of barriers to protect myself from this abuse.

Shadow Work–Day 10

How does my shadow influence how others see me?

Dancer Three tells me that I often go overboard to hide the pain in my heart. At home, I am very much an introvert and don’t really have any friends. I freak out and am truly terrified of meeting anyone. However, I cover this up by being an extrovert at work, being bubbly, interacting with people, teasing them, etc. I don’t feel like I can truly be myself so I hide who I am in and that influences how others see me because they see the mask I put on instead of the real me.

Maker Ten is another card that tells me i do a good job of maintaining the illusion and only letting people see what I want them to see. I don’t want people to see who I truly am. To see how damaged I am so I go overboard on putting on the happy camper face. This card also goes into why I stayed in my miserable marriage so long. I was so terrified of anyone thinking I wasn’t perfect or anyone judging me for getting divorced, that I stayed and put on the happy face instead of doing the right thing.

Interestingly, even though I do a good job of putting o the happy face and sometimes playing the fool, Dancer King tells me that people see me has having great emotional depth and being deeper than I let on sometimes. This card also tells me that sometimes people who are sensitive can see the despair and loneliness in my soul even though I work hard to keep it hidden.

Shadow Work–Day 9

How does the shadow of past relationships influence current relationships?

The Star tells me that every person I meet will be measured against X and they most likely will come up short. The problem is that my relationship with X while deep and emotionally intense, was not a full time in your face kind of relationship. We never lived together, had kids together, fought over bills, etc. We got to go out and have fun and be on our best behavior. Ironically, one of the things I always get pissy about when John talks about how wonderful his girlfriends are is that he never was married to them, was poor with them, etc. I guess I’m being kind of hypocritical because I’m measuring everyone I meet against the same kind of standard. The other thing the star tells me is that because deep within my soul there is a little part of me that still wants to have a relationship with X, that hope stands in my way of future relationships.

The Magician, in this instance, is a charlatan and someone who is all smoke and mirrors and not who he appears to be. John was definitely a charlatan. When I met him he was in program and I truly thought that he believed in the 12 steps and was truly walking the walk. However, once we moved in together, I realized that he was paying the steps lip service and that he really just wanted to be a party boy. He also told me that he wanted someone who would walk beside him and be his partner. He said he didn’t want someone who walked in the shadows. However, when we were together that changed and he was constantly trying to take me down a peg. I’m afraid of getting involved with someone else only to find out that they are also a fraud.

Dreamer Ten reminds me of drowning in my own blood and not being able to see straight because of the pain that is just pouring off of me. I am afraid of meeting and getting into a relationship with someone else because I am afraid that I would not be able to stand having my heart broken again. It hurt so bad and I literally felt like I was crying blood because of my heart ache. I keep people at arm’s length because I am terrified of being hurt again.

These are intensely powerful cards and I can feel the heaviness rolling off of them. There is a part of me that says how will I ever trust someone enough to get into a relationship with all of this baggage hanging over my head.

Shadow Work–Day 8

How does my shadow react when I am untrusting?

The fool jumps off a cliff when I am untrusting as if pushing me to trust, trust, trust. I also find that when I am untrusting, I am put in situations where I have no choice but to trust. That is pretty true for me as I took a new job last year doing organizational change management, but while we are selling OCM, I have to be billable so I have been doing project management work for the last year and that has been incredibly hard for me because I do not have the skills to do all the work myself and I have had to trust my team to do the work for me. Although there have been a few bumps along the way, ultimately the team delivered.

Dancer Four tells me that when I am untrusting, I start to spend too much time looking inward and examining my own soul without liking what I find. When I am untrusting, I start to see everyone else as other instead of seeing our similarities. Dreamer Four also tells me that when I an untrusting, I don’t see the help that is all around me and I reject people.

When I am untrusting of the world at large, I will often find one or two people that I do trust and become obsessive with them. Dancer Prince speaks of this obsession as he peers fearfully from behind the tree and watches the world as if it is a dark and scary place. Being untrusting means that I am coming from a place of fear and I divide the world into “Us and Them.”

All in all, my shadow starts indulging in bad and fearful behavior as a reminder that I need to open my heart once again. I have to be honest and say that I am so flipping sick of hearing that I need to open my heart. It seems that the cards tell me that constantly to the point I just don’t want to hear it anymore.

Shadow Work–Day 7

How important are relationships to my shadow?

Warrior Ten tells me that my shadow likes relationships to feel needed. My shadow wouldn’t know what to do with itself without someone relying on him. However, this is a double edged sword as my shadow also feels used by people who “walk all over it.” My shadow also takes on other people’s burdens as a way of feeling important and needed. In some ways, my shadow would feel as if it did not have a right to exist if it wasn’t doing for others. This was the mentality that my mother drilled into my head as a child and it is a hard mindset to break.

The Hermit shows the flip side of my shadows relationship to other people. Once I have reached my fill of other people, I like to retreat and to be by myself with no human interruptions. I need the room to contemplate and to breathe. Being around people can be suffocating for me and it can be incredibly overwhelming.

I had to smile as I saw the warrior king as the warrior king is prancing alone in a field of battle. He likes his glory and he likes to be the center of attention. My shadow loves to be the center of attention. I’ve gotten better about it, but in the past I truly had to feel as if everyone was paying attention to me or I would cease to exist. I liked to be the center of attention for things I did well, but I was also content being the center of attention as a victim.