Swords – Page 3 – Cairn by Cairn

Queen of Swords (reversed)

Queen of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: She has sapphires in her crown and there is a ruby in her sword. Like the King, she has personalized her sword and, like the King, the same X of light is hitting her sword. The skin on her arms appears gray. My first impressions of this card reversed are of defeat and expressing emotions (lack of emotional control?)

Book: Be kinder. Be slower to form opinions. Sorry may have hardened your heart. Hell bent on vengeance. Holding grudges.

Guidance: Breathe. Trust it will all work out. Do not take things so seriously. Draw wisdom rather than bitterness.

Journaling

I need to let go of my anger toward Meg She is doing her job as she sees fit and it isn’t personal. She’s not trying to screw me or hurt me. She is just trying to satisfy the client.

However, I always have choices and I can choose to find another job. I can also choose to make sure that Gateway is clear about what the deliverables are done. I can’t come out and say you don’t need me, but I can help them draw their own conclusions.

December 22, 2017

Interesting as I read this more than a year removed from the situation and I don’t even remember what the details of this seemingly traumatic event were. I gather from reading this that Meg wanted to extend me and I wanted to leave. At the end of the day, none of this mattered as the client ended up ending the project on short notice in February and I ended up leaving itellignece for NTT. And oddly enough, Meg ended up losing her job anyway.

I love reading journals from years past as it is a good reminder that all the shit that I think is so important, really isn’t. It is also a reminder that all the shit I’m going through right now, probably won’t matter in a year or so.

King of Swords

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment. He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land. I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak. He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle. The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was. It doesn’t mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother. I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before. I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me. There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself. However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her. That’s something she has to want and to work for herself. However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

Ace of Swords

Ace of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: The sword is piercing a laurel wreath, does this portend victory? The hilt of the sword is bound with leather and there appears to be a ruby in the hilt. The sun is shining through the clouds and reflecting off the sword. The sword speaks to me of new beginnings and intellectual opportunities.

Book: Clarity, success, sharp focus, cut attachments that no longer serve us, instrument of change, new beginnings

Guidance: Be true to yourself

Journaling:

This week has truly been about the need to cut away and leave things that no longer serve me behind. Right now I’m feeling the need to pull away from a coworker who I don’t feel is working in our client’s best interests. It also makes me wonder if this is about cutting ties with people who were important, but who I’ve drifted away from.

December 23, 2017

It’s interesting to reflect on this card today because I’ve been working hard to cut some cords that no longer serve me. I’ve realized that I need to cut cords with John and quit getting all swirly about what he does or does not do in his life. I’ve worked hard to let go of being judgmental and to let go of commenting on other people’s decisions that don’t affect me, but with him I continue to judge. I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants him to fail and have a miserable life because of how he abused me and hurt me. However, all that holding on to that anger does is keep me tied to him. I need to let go of that rope that is keeping me tied down because it truly no longer serves me.

I also need to let go of someone who was so instrumental in my healing, but who no longer has a true role to play in my life. I need to be grateful for the unconditional love he gave me and accept that our paths have diverged.

Four of Swords (Reversed)

Four of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: The knight is lying on a marble table with his sword at his side. There are three swords hanging on the wall, but they do not pose a threat as they are not hanging directly over our knight. Reversed this card is telling me that it is time to get up and about.

Book: Period of isolation ends, emerging successfully from a period of difficulties, extreme exhaustion, spiritual faith, having faith

Guidance: Have faith, take time to recharge, you do not have to do it all at once

December 23, 2017

Another day when I didn’t journal. I’m not sure what was going on last September that I didn’t make time to actually journal about the cards. Maybe I was so caught up in all the drama about Gateway that I didn’t want to journal about it because I was afraid of what the cards would say.

To me this card is telling me that it is time to get my butt out of bed and start moving forward with my life. And I’ve done a lot to move forward in the past year. I have a new job, I’ve been deliberately staying away from Chicago as I don’t want to get sucked into old behavior patterns.

Ten of Swords (Reversed)

Initial Impressions: The beads in his hair came loose, but there is no blood. Are the beads supposed to represent the blood? Reversed, this card says to me that someones cares are falling away.

Book: Opportunity arises for liberation and change. The ultimate battle is with yourself. Work on the issue and find the courage to rise again. You will endure and persevere.

Guidance: Have the courage to love again. Trust that he loves you. Be open.

Journaling

Hope is such a good thing and there are days it is in short supply because I get mired in all the details. For me, this card speaks to cares and worries falling away and about the weirdness being gone. Reversed this card is about opening up.

December 22, 2017
Interesting as I read this card over a year later, what I see is someone being impaled by the swords versus them falling away. I’ve quit reading reversals so if I was to read this card today, I would see it as the worst having been done. The nine of swords is about nightmares and in some ways this card is about the nightmare coming true. However, the one thing that I have learned in my life is that sometimes it is okay when the other shoe has dropped and you know for sure where you’re at. For me, it is harder to deal with the uncertainty and the worry than with cold hard facts. With cold hard facts, you can come up with a plan to actually address what’s going on.

King of Swords

Immediate Response: Although this card appears cold and icy, it isn’t as the tree still has green on. I love the purple embellishment on his sword as it takes an object that is cold and icy and humanizes it. I also like the cloak clasp as it mirrors his standard which you can partially see in the background. This card as well as my tarot knowledge says that this king is decisive and has the ability to make good decisions, but he might also be a little rigid.

Book: Intellectual, stern, tendency to be too rigid, guardian of social order.

Guidance: Be flexible, make decisions, hold boundaries

Journaling: The last few days have been about flexibility and going with the flow for me so it is interesting that this card came up. I have been deliberately working on going with the flow and not being rigid so I’m not sure what the guidance is here. Have I been too flexible? Maybe this card is suggesting that I be a little more rigid and maintain better boundaries, especially around work. I’m not exactly sure how I would do that as these people are nuts. I’m going to have to give this some thought. Maybe there are ways I can more provide more structure.

December 21, 2017
Interesting to review this a year out of the situation. All of the things that seemed so important at the time and so urgent aren’t important any more and I don’t even remember what all the drama was at at the time. I do know that I was working at Gateway in Chicago and they were kind of nuts. They had chosen the wrong solution and were trying to make it fix and it wasn’t working. They didn’t do a good job with order and structure.

I’m also learning that overall I don’t do a good job with boundaries and I’m struggling with that now as my client wants to meet every day next week even though I’m on PTO and the rest of the team is. However, being a consultant means sucking it up and doing what needs to be done. Not sure how to set boundaries when the expectation is to be available. Again, I’ll have to figure out how to set those boundaries.

Three of Air

Three of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card makes me think of Barack Obama sitting in a library studying and writing down tremendous wisdom. This is a card of wisdom and doing the work of learning. As I write this, I’m realizing that the Three of Air translates to the Three of Swords which is traditionally a card of heart break.

Journaling:

This card is about pouring your heart out on the page. It is about being smart enough to know when to turn to book wisdom and smart enough to know when to look inside and to trust the wisdom inside my soul.

I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks pouring my heart out on the page and there is a huge part of me that says there is nothing more to pour out, but I know that is not true as there is always more to pour out on the page. What I don’t know if continually digging into my soul is positive or negative. Am I uncovering junk and releasing it or am I stuck in my own shit? Is what I’m uncovering fertilizer that can help me move forward or quicksand that I will get mired in? I guess at the end of the day, it is up to me as to whether it is mulch or quicksand. I can choose to be a victim and be stuck in the past or I can choose to use it as fertilizer to grow my future. I am choosing fertilizer.

Since I’ve been thinking about John lately, I need to put on my thinking cap and truly think about the lessons I learned from him:

Men who want to go out with their friends and get drunk rather than stay home are party boys and may never grow up. It’s okay to go out sometimes, but a grownup wants a mix of the two and not constant partying.
Men who do not respect my boundaries are not for me
There needs to be an equal division of labor in a marriage. I should not have had to carry the entire financial burden and clean the house while he sat on his butt
Men who refuse to work because a job is beneath them are arrogant and lazy

What I want in a partner:

An equal partner
Someone who pays his own way
Someone who respects my boundaries
Someone who does not gaslight me
Someone with similar interests
A guy who likes to hang at home and have a few people over
A guy who will go to art museums and concerts in the park
A guy who will walk barefoot in the grass
A guy who kisses me in the moonlight
A guy who loves me despite my flaws

Other things I’ve learned:

That I need to open my heart to love and put myself out there
That I am worth knowing an loving
That John and I were probably wrong from each other from the start, but that he lied about who he was and what he wanted in a relationship as he said he wanted an equal and that he wanted a family, but that’s never what he wanted
I’m not really angry anymore an I’ve learned a lot of lessons

December 29, 2017

This was amazingly powerful stuff and the best part is that these are lessons that have stuck for the most part. I have truly realized that I am worth knowing and loving and that I have to open my heart to love. I’m still not exactly sure how or when I will meet someone, but I’ve put it out their to my guides and I’ve opened myself to be ready and willing to listen to their guidance and we’ll see what happens.

Eight of Air

Eight of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card speaks to me of community and working together, but the traditional meaning of the eight of swords is choosing to stay in bondage. I’m struggling to reconcile the traditional meaning with this card.

Book: Challenged to transform vision into reality with help fro friends, it is also about letting go of ego

Journaling

Based on the first impressions of this card, it is about a sense of community which is something that I truly need to find or build in my life. I am so lonely and in need of like minded people.

This card is also telling me that I can make Midwives of Change a reality, but I need to be willing to accept input from others. I have to open up my vision and ask for help from others. This is difficult for me, but I do know that asking for help and collaborating does make things better.

December 29, 2017

It’s interesting the mind shift that I’ve had since I originally wrote this. I’ve realized that I really don’t want to pursue creating Midwives of Change right now because I’m tired of my life being about other people and MoC is just one more way for my life to be about other people. I expend a whole lot of emotional energy at work and with the kids and I don’t want to take on strangers’ burdens. I will put my tarot journal out there and I’ll post occasional articles that help me to clarify what I’m thinking, but my life is about me and I’m not using my life as an experiment to see what helps others.

Ten of Air

Ten of Fire
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: Being overwhelmed by loss and grieving, Dreams going up in smoke, clearing away the old to make room for the new.

Journaling:

I’m at a point in my life right now where I truly understand that fire and loss happen to make way for the new. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt or that it isn’t hard to look at the devastation, but it means I need to start from scratch. I’m sure there are parts of my old life that I will always miss and love, but the earth has been prepped for new growth and it is time to move on.

December 29, 2017

This card makes me think of the poor people who have lost everything in the California fires. There is such devastation, but from a land perspective it has cleared away debris and given the land a chance to start from scratch. As I think through the times in my life when I have been down and faced loss, I’m realizing that I never really had to start from scratch as I always had my intelligence, the money I had in the bank, and relationships. I’ve always had some kind of foundation to start with. I don’t know if everyone is that lucky or if there are some people who truly are starting over from scratch.

Child of Air (Reversed)

Child of Air
Gaian Tarot

First Impressions: This card has such a sense of innocence about it as the girl is surrounded by butterflies as she stands in the clouds. One of the things I did not notice until just now is that the butterflies are in the shape of an S. As I drew this card reversed, it tells me that I am tuned out.

Book: Afraid to explore new ideas or make changes because of critical voices, banish negative thoughts

Journaling

Not being attuned to the messages around me. Not being in communication with the universe. Since this card is reversed, it could also symbolize the heavy weight of grief weighing me down again. There are days I feel as if I am just mired in grief.

This is another card that is telling me that I need to heal and move on, but the question is how do I heal and move on as I have done so much healing work. However, I feel this is the final push through the grief and letting go. I need to make one last push to let go of it all.

December 29, 2017

Wow! This was profound as I really feel as if Tarot has been the final spiritual practice that has pushed me to grow and let go of all the garbage. What Tarot does for me is that it engages both my intuition and my logic. Reading the meanings is about logic, but because the readings engage my brain, they free up my intuition to make their own connections. I also think that actually having a daily practice where I’ve committed to pulling a card and journaling every single day helps. I know that I will put myself out there day after day.

I’ve also come to accept that there are always going to be days where I feel stuck, sad, grief-stricken, etc. However, I can choose to acknowledge those feelings and use logic if they aren’t rooted in logic to help me move past those feelings. I also need to make up my decisions with real world actions and I’ve been starting to do that more and more. I really really wanted to go to Chicago for my birthday, but I knew that would mean meeting X for lunch and having a reading and those things would have drug me right back into my obsession. Deliberately choosing not to go to Chicago meant I got to keep my distance. Although, I still miss the food as Mexican food really sucks in the CLE.