Category: Swords

Daily Draw: King of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Be kinder

Book:  Biased decision, dismissing feelings, not playing by the rules, suspending judgement, ruthless action, accept you cannot change people, lack of decisiveness

Guidance:  Feel More, judge and analyze less

Journaling

I don’t make decisions decisively and implement them when they come to my body.  I know sugar is really bad for me and make s me feel horrible, but I keep sucking it down  I need to let go.  I’m also not very decisive about my X decision.  I let go, then snatch it back.  I need to just let go.

July 8, 2018

Letting go is really hard for me.  I need to figure out why sugar has such a draw for me.  No, I don’t.  Sugar is a physically addictive substance and I am addicted.  This is not about me being weak or having a lack of willpower.  It is literally about being addicted to a substance.  I need to go back to the 12 steps and apply them to sugar.  I am just addicted.  I think I am going to try going to Food Addicts Anonymous meetings to see if that helps.  I’m going to order the literature, then make a decision about the meeting

Eight of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  I love this image as the swords almost seem made of light instead of steel.  It reinforces the impression that the person can escape of their own volition.  Reversed this card is about being released from constraints.

Book:  Passive aggressive behavior, acting helpless, clarity, overcoming restrictions, ready to move on, prone to self sabotage

Guidance:  Be aware of giving into your helplessness, worry solves and changes nothing

Journaling

This is a rough card to receive today.  Yes I know the path forward is to let go of X and start meeting people, but that sucks.  I have no f*ing desire to go on random dates when 90% of the guys available suck.

January 25, 2018

Wow!  I was a little whiny when I first met this.  It’s interesting that over the past year, I’ve had the chance to observe older (i.e 30+) guys who are single and they are all so desperate.  It’s like they cannot stand being alone and they jump from person to person to person.  I don’t know if they dislike having to face themselves in the mirror or what, but I find it a little pathetic.

I don’t really dislike being alone as it gives me the opportunity to work on myself and to get to truly know who I am.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone in my life, but I want the right person in my life.  I don’t just want to fill up space with whoever is available.  I want someone who is emotionally mature, who is kind, who is loving, and is comfortable in his own skin.  I don’t want someone who wants/needs me to meet all his needs.

Daily Draw: Queen of Swords

First Impressions:  Decisiveness, clarity

Book:  Cutting through illusion, intensity, perceptive, quick, confident, bearing our own sorrows, reads people

Guidance:  Curb your words and speak with kindness

Journaling

This is one of my favorite quotes:  “This is a woman who became the way she is today, of her daunting status, because at one point early in her life she was vulnerable and insecure about her self worth.  What a perfect card to pull today.  This really sums up who I am and what I’ve been through.  I finally feel worthy of love and all the good stuff that life has to offer.  I’m also secure in who I am.  I have my moments and I’m not thrilled with my body, but in general, I like who I am.

May 27, 2018

As I look back over the past couple of years when I have been diligent about journaling every day, I’m seeing the changes in who I am and how I perceive myself.  I am strong enough to recognize my flaws, but also loving enough to accept who I am.  Some days it is hard for me and there are days when I still beat myself up, but overall I am in awe of who I am.  I am stronger, but also kinder than I have ever been at any time in my life and I realize that a lot of my strength is about being strong enough to walk away from my mother. 

That took so much strength.  It is acceptable in our society to walk away from a husband or from friends, but the world judges people who walk away from their parents.  It is as if we are supposed to accept any amount of garbage from our parents.  We’re supposed to be strong and capable and get rid of energy vampires, unless they happen to be parents, then we are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I call bullshit.

Daily Draw: Five of Swords (R)

First Impressions: Burdens falling away

Book:  Ending a toxic situation, Contrition, walking away and accepting a minor defeat, work through your emotions

Guidance:  Feel your feelings of loss, bury the hatchet

Journaling

I’ve spent some time reflecting on this card and I’m still not sure how to read it.  One possible reading is that I am taking responsibility for where I am in life and that means doing the right thing and that I am facing things head on versus running from them.  The other potential reading that struck me is that I m ending a toxic situation and that’s true.  I’m choosing to move forward and live my life instead of waiting for what might never happen.

May 25, 2018

Interesting that I pulled this card shortly before my 50th birthday when the final ending of the toxic situation came about.  Although there is a small part of me that keeps thinking (wishing) that things would /could be different with the bitch, I know that that will never happen.  For one thing, I have accepted that she can never be the mother than anyone deserves.  I’ve also accepted that all the bullshit she spews is about her and not about me.  That’s so important for me to know, because I always tend to blame myself and assume that I did something wrong.  However, in this instance, I didn’t do anything wrong.  She was, and is, incapable of being a mother and incapable of taking responsibility for her actions.

This situation has been mirrored at work lately with someone who is incapable of taking ownership of anything.  I did my best and then some to help him, but he continued to be/act clueless.  At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do to help someone like that and he needs to own his actions.  That’s hard for me though because I am a compassionate person and because I don’t want to be blamed for things not going well.  I guess at the end of the day, I have to take the risk of things not going well because I cannot do it all.

Daily Draw: King of Swords

First Impressions:  Mastery of one’s thoughts

Book:  Compromise, Fairness, Consider other points of view

Guidance:  Be fair and objective, listen to others, be intellectually honest

May 25, 2018

Interesting, I did not journal when I pulled this card originally.  I’m sure it is because I was super busy and caught up in work.  I love this card.  Most people would take it as a reminder to listen to other people’s points of view, but I consider it a reminder to value my own point of view.  My upbringing by the Bitch taught me to value other people over myself so it is second nature for me to discount my own beliefs to appease others.  However, recently I have begun valuing my own point of view and truly listening to and asserting myself.

That is really uncomfortable for me because it feels like I am sticking myself out there and setting myself up to be stomped on, but it is important that I assert myself and make my thoughts and feelings known.  It was uncomfortable this week at work as I had to assert myself regarding the demo we were doing and sometimes it felt as if I was a broken record, but in the end I got support and we ended up including OCM and it was great as they guys wove it into their presentation seamlessly.

Asserting myself and standing up for myself feels uncomfortable and there are times when I feel as if I have two speeds:  Door Mat and Freight train, but that is because in the past, I did not do a good job of asserting myself until I got really pissed off and then it seemed as if it was the first time I had said something, when in reality no one had chosen to listen to me before.

John was wrong in calling me a freight train because he chose not to take responsibility for our lives or anything that was happening so because I was willing to assert myself and take responsibility, I was a freight train.  The reality of the matter is that if he had chosen to be an equal partner in our marriage, we would have not had all the problems that we had.  Instead, he chose to be passive and as a result, I was viewed as domineering.

It is so valuable to look back on my marriage through the lens of time and see that all the horror and pain he put me through were not really about me at all, but were about his own self esteem issues and his own inadequacies.

Daily Draw: Ten of Swords

First Impressions:  Demands from every angle, betrayal, knives in the back

Book:  Failure, dead end choices, learning lessons the hard way, thinking things to death, situation is not as bad as it looks, people acting against seeker

Guidance:  Trust, do not overthink, a new day will dawn

Journaling

It actually wasn’t that bad of day today.  I let go of worrying about the future and all that was or was not going to happen and just trusted.  I trusted that somehow it is all going to work out.  One thing I have found is that working with tarot is that it really keeps me grounded din the present.  The card a day stays with me and I focus on what I need to do today.

May 25, 2018

Tarot does help keep me grounded and it is a reminder that there is a world outside of my little world.  Going to the cemetery reminds me of the same thing as sometimes I get so caught up on what is happening in my world at this very moment that I forget that there is a great big world out there where what’s going on in my world really doesn’t matter.

The one thing about myself that I’m starting to realize is that there are times that I exhibit signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.  I find myself feeling empty even when life is going really well and I get overly attached to people.  I also find myself concerned about what other people are thinking about me and feeling as if I may be stabbed in the back.   A lot of this is making it all about me and that is not healthy to me.

I have to work hard to keep myself from making inappropriate outbursts or flat out asking if I am going to be fired.  I seem to have no sense of worth and if I am not constantly being praised, I am afraid people don’t like me.  This is not a good way to live and I’m realizing that the time in my life when I was not feeling like this was when I was in Al-Anon.  When I was doing program work, I felt so much more centered and balaned

Daily Draw: Six of Swords

First Impressions:  Moving away from chaos, calm seas ahead

Book:  Journey, passage away from hardship, moving on, but bringing baggage

Guidance:  Cut one’s losses and move on, unload some baggage

Journaling

Definitely a message that I’ve been getting lately that I need to let go of the baggage and move on  It is also something that I’ve been trying to do, but i keep getting dragged back to Chicago.  I’m ready to move on, but I keep being stuck in projects in Chicago and I don’t know why I’m stuck in Chicago or what lessons I’m supposed to be learning.

May 25, 2018

I’m realizing that the lesson I needed to learn was that I needed to make an actual decision to leave Chicago and t cut ties.  As long as I was choosing to keep one foot in the city, I was keeping myself bound to Chicago.  I had to deliberately make the decision to not keep going back to Chicago for emotional fulfillment.  That has been a really hard decision for me to make, but it was the right decision for me and my decision not to go to Chicago with Sean a few months ago really helped move me in the right direction.

Daily Draw: Ace of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Stuck, lack of clarity

Book:  Personal energy being scattered, anarchy within the seeker, hostile, negativity, unfulfilled ambition, poor judgement

Guidance:  Exercise wisdom when wielding power, approach the matter from your heart and not your head

Journaling

I feel like nothing I do matters for me.  Everything I do helps other people, but there is nothing in it for me.  We moved to Cleveland and the kids are getting settled, but I’m still stuck in Chicago every week.  All I want is to find love and be happy.  I have to be honest and say that I’m thinking about suicide a lot lately because my life doesn’t seem to matter for me.  I feel like just a vehicle for other people’s happiness, but I’m not worthy of happiness myself.

Yes, I know all the bullshit about choosing to be happy, but that’s hard when life sucks and you don’t have the one thing that matters.  I know that I have so much to be grateful for, but I want love and I want someone to share my life with.  I take care of the kids, but who takes care of me?  Who is my shoulder to lean on when things get rough?  I need someone in my life who loves and cherishes me.  I’ve fought so hard against needing someone, but I’m ready to admit that I do need someone who loves me.

Goddess, please guide me to my love.

May 24, 2018

I wish that I could say that in the time since I’ve written this that I never feel this way anymore, but that would be a lie and I’ve been working really hard not to lie to myself.  There are still days when I feel like suicide because I am lonely.  However, I’ve been working hard to love myself and manifest that love in concrete ways.  That feels really uncomfortable some days because it feels like I am being selfish and I don’t like to be selfish.  However, I’m starting to realize that being selfish and taking time for myself is not a bad thing. 

A big part of the reason, I’m able to start doing this is because I’m able to say F* you to my mother’s voice in my head.  I’m able to assert myself and say that I deserve nice things.  I deserve a car of my own.  I deserve to take time to be myself and do what is best for me.  I deserve all those things and her F*ing voice that constantly asks how the kids feel or how John feels is her being a bitch.  I no longer need nor want her in my life and I am so much better off and more calm without her.

It is odd that I wrote this original post on what was her 70th birthday.  And of course, I was probably hearing her in my head telling me that I needed to find love in order to be a whole person and that my life is all about other people.  That is all so much BS.  I am a whole and complete person all by myself and I do not need anyone else to take care of me, to rescue me, or to protect me.  I am capable of doing all of those things by myself.  That doesn’t mean I do not want someone to share my life with, but I am capable of standing on my own two feet.

The other striking thing about this post is that Cam told me I looked like my mother today and that kind of upset me.  But what she added on actually made me feel good.  She said I looked like my mother, but that what I was saying was absolutely not what that bitch would have said because I was being kind and understanding.  That made me feel good

Daily Draw: Four of Swords

First Impressions:  Rest, Recuperate

Book:  repair the psyche, tie of rest, need to recover one’s strength, hungry for quiet, restoring to normalcy

Guidance:  Step back, rest

Journaling

Interesting that I pulled this card just as I decided that I was going to work from home next week.  I do need a break from Chicago and all that is going on.  The bottle spell (releasing) was huge for me.  I have to be honest and say that i was really sad and wondering if I did the right thing at first, but now I know it was the right thing to do.  I feel so much freer.  It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

May 24, 2018

I had forgotten all about that spell to release my feelings and let fate take its course.  Looking back, I realize that was the beginning of letting go and not letting myself be so obsessed by my feelings for one person.  It took courage to let go and it takes courage every time I make a decision to not go to Chicago and to not turn to him for support.  However, as my relationship with X has gotten looser and not so obsessive, my relationship with S. has become nonexistent.  I have the feeling that the only thing truly holding me to S. was my obsession to X as I was desperate for guidance and advice.

In some ways, it makes me really sad, but in other ways I know that it is for the best and that it is really time for me to let go.  My relationship with S was always kind of weird because he could be so controlling some times and so convinced that his way was the right way.  I thought we had worked through all of that and were in a good place, but now I’m not so sure.  Sometimes it feels as if he just wanted me to be a client and not be a friend.

The only thing I can really do is send him love and light and let go.

Daily Draw: Two of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance:  Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now.  I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn’t what I want.  I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago.  I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here.  For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week. 

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it.  I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago.  For the longest time, I’ve chosen to stay with one foot in each city.  However, I’m realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back.  I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind.  he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go.  Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago.