Swords – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: Knight of Swords

First Impressions: Rushing into battle, defending someone’s honor

Book: Chivalrous tasks, passionate warrior who tries to conquer all that is wrong in the world

Guidance: Do what you believe is right, be careful not to rush in too quickly, some people are idiots

Journaling

This card an mean so many things. It can mean rushing into battle without a plan, it can mean leaving doubt behind. For me it means letting go of fear and moving ahead. There will always be things and people that pull us back, but sometimes we need to move forward despite these doubts. We need to test the wisdom of our soul instead of trusting other people. I’m not always so good at this and often get all wound up about what other people think. I need to let go of that and live my life for me instead of for others.

December 27, 2018

Interesting reading on this today. I do spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about what other people think. I’ve let go of a lot of it and now it is mostly around financial stability. However, I don’t think that is an all together bad thing. I think we need to do the right things to stay employed and I think that we need to respect other people.

Wow! As I wrote that, I realized there is a huge difference between respecting other people and worrying about what other people think. Respecting other people is about being mindful of people’s time, about showing up for meetings on time, about being prepared. Those are things we should do to stay employed and because we should show respect for others. The flip side of that is agonizing over every little thing we do and say. If I am working to do the right things and I am respectful, I need to let go of my worry about people assessing the nuances.

That’s pretty freeing when you think about it. I’ve also been doing a lot of meditating on the belief that I owe people explanations or answers to their questions and I’m realizing that I don’t. I don’t need to explain why I am going back to school. I don’t need to explain why I moved to Cleveland. I don’t need to explain any of that to anyone.

Seven of Air

Seven of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: Ellen does a great job with this card in giving us the sense of the thief as Laverna is turned toward something gesturing while behind her back she holds a bag of money. I didn’t realize it when I first drew this card, but there are seven columns. I love this card and even though I didn’t not consciously look at the card, my very first impressions were ones of a thief and dishonesty.

Book: Succeeding through ill-gotten gains, hiding in the shadows

Guidance: Think outside of the box, think of another way, work for your own best interests, answer may be found in silence.

Journaling:

The message I take from Laverna is to reclaim what is mine. I spend so much time and energy giving and being for others that I neglect myself. I need to make a concentrated effort to reclaim myself. I also have to acknowledge that there are days when it only feels like taking my life back is stealing because other people do not recognize my sovereignty and only see me in relation to what I can do for them. I need to reclaim myself and life my life for me and not for others. That’s easier now than when my kids were little, but it still feels awkward to say no and put my own needs first. It is something I know will continue to be a work in progress.

December 26, 2017

Pulling this card reminds me of the ritual to Laverna that Anna led. I was okay with all the Dark Goddess rituals she led until I got to this one because it was almost as if she took glee in the idea of worshiping someone who was was the patron of thieves. However, over the past few years I’ve had a lot of time to meditate and reflect. I’ve also done the meditation to Laverna from The Dark Goddess Lodge and I’ve come to a different understanding of Laverna and the Seven of Swords in general.

I’ve realized that sometimes it is right and necessary to be a “thief” as sometimes it is about reclaiming your sovereignty and reclaiming what someone stole from you. John stole so much for me and I’m finally starting to reclaim who I am. He pounded me down so hard that I lost so much of myself. I still don’t know why he chose to beat me down physically and emotionally, but I have come back and I’ve reclaimed myself.

I’m also learning that other people consider it selfish or wrong to stand up for myself and take back my time and my resources. It is not wrong to take back what is yours. In fact it is good and noble to take yourself back to a time of wholeness.

Nine of Air

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds. When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that’s what this card makes me think of. In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her. This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book: If you would known, do not fear to see. Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries. She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance: Do not give fears a priority when making a decision. Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today. Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the “I’m fired” path. That makes no sense at all because I’ve been billable and we’re gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went. I’m learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do. I’m so mean to myself even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am. I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

Stop what I’m doing and breathe
Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
Roll with the situation and see what comes of it

December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that’s something easy I can remember. I’ve come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I’m not there yet. The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I’ve felt. Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can’t react or I won’t have a job. It’s one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I’m no longer in an abusive relationship. It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault. I’m learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way. It is all a process and the best thing is that I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

Messages from the Tarot: She who Watches

She who watches came to me last night in the form of the nine of air from the Gaian Tarot. I’ve endured a long month of depression starting on my birthday, November 6th, and continuing through my NameDay (i.e. the anniversary of the day I legally changed my name).

It’s always a time of darkness as memories of my estranged mother, my departed father (died November 28, 2008), my now ex’s heart attack (December 6, 2009), and my imploded marriage (Married November 19, 1988) haunt my body and soul. In years passed, I’ve berated myself for letting what were just days on the calendar affect my well being, but this year I’ve leaned into the pain. I’ve acknowledged the grief and sorrow these events have brought and I’ve chosen to cocoon myself and grieve.

The darkness was deeper than I’d anticipated and there were days when all I wanted to do was to cry. However, I got up each morning and did what needed to be done and reminded myself that I’ve been through dark times before and they had passed. I made myself pull my daily tarot card even though there were days when even that felt like too much effort.

The worst part of the darkness was feeling disconnected and as if my beloved goddesses had abandoned me. I cried out for strength, for compassion, for love, and it felt as if I was met with silence each time I cried out in pain. All my normal ways of connecting were not working.

Finally, yesterday, I woke and it felt as if the clouds were breaking and maybe, just maybe, things really would be okay. I reminded myself that on December 7, 2011 I had chosen to legally change my name to Raine (Queen) Clara (Saint) Shakti (Goddess) and that maybe I did have the strength and courage to pull out of this tailspin.

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Last night the guidance finally came to me. I was laying in bed thinking about my pain and imagining a bleak future, which naturally lead me to think about the nine of swords. However, the nine of swords was replaced with the nine of air from Joanna Powell Colbert’s Gaian tarot and as I imagined myself the woman in the image, I heard She Who Watches tell me to just let go. To let go of the pole I was holding on to, to let go of the pain I was holding, to let go of the nightmares.

Letting go was hard, but as I let go, I found myself flying over the Seeker’s Valley. I was flying and seeing my life from the vantage point of an eagle rising above the strife and pain. I was free from all of it. As I flew, the valley became more colorful and psychedelic and I realized that I had to change my perception and let go of viewing the world as painful and ordinary. I was also shown that all the twists and turns I’d gone through in my life were leading me somewhere and that I was being taken care of and held.

She Who Watches said she was always there for me and was watching and protecting me. She also reminded me that I had the strength to persevere.

Hag of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

I awoke this morning feeling more calm and hopeful than I’ve felt in the last month and when I logged on to Facebook, what did I see? Someone had posted the Hag of Earth (She Who Watches) from Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s Dark Goddess Tarot. And I felt loved and I knew my beloved Goddesses were still with me.

I’ve pulled both She Who Watches images from their respective tarot decks and they are sitting on my altar to remind me that she is always with me.

Update: December 21, 2017

I was cleaning my meditation room and a deck of tarot cards spilled. The card that jumped out was the Five of Discs which was a beautiful image of She Who Watches from the Triumph of Life Tarot deck.

Daily Draw; Three of Swords

First impressions: Heartbreak

Book: Heartbreak, very dramatically and tragically expressed, ego is centered on emotional distress

Guidance: Remove the focus from your emotions, proper perspective allows more clarity, empress can help with healing

Journaling

I love the reading on this card as it is a reminder to put things into perspective. I tend to blow things out of perspective and make it seem as if I am the only person in the world to be hurt and that is not true. Every person on the planet goes through heartbreak and pain. It is not the tragedy we face that defines us as much as it is our reaction to it. We can choose to curl up in a ball and wither away or we can choose to become hard. Or we can choose to heal and grow. Just like I love old furniture for its scars and patina, I need to embrace my own scars and imperfections. I’ve led an interesting and varied life and I need to embrace that.

I’m struggling right now as to how I can be there for my daughter as she is alternating between defiant and sad. I guess I just have to let go and be there for her. She needs a support system and not a jailer.

November 20, 2017

Interesting read as I am working on accepting myself and who I am in my own life. I am not berating myself for clothing sizes, but choosing to love who I am.

October 27, 2018

Over the past year, I really have realized that loving myself and valuing my body is the key to losing weight. I am actually motivated to take care of myself and to stop drinking coke. It is really hard, but I know that I am starting to feel better since I’m no longer sucking down four cokes a day. The pounds have not really started coming off yet, but I do know that I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

Daily Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions: Nightmares

Book: Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance: Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people. I reached out to the UU’s stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me. Not one of the people reached out to say, “Hope your daughter is okay.” Instead they just harassed me and were rude. Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way. What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt? I would have said I’m sorry and asked what I could do. However, not one of those bitches did that. I don’t want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it. It isn’t that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I’m getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true. My daughter was abducted and assaulted. There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead. Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.

Daily Draw: Seven of Swords

First Impressions: Being sneaky

Book: Actions have consequences

Guidance: Review your plan and reconsider if it seems fool hardy

Journaling

I’m not sure that I agree that the actions of this gentleman were foolhardy. Sometimes we have to take bold actions and break the rules. I think this card is also a reminder that there are consequences, but that sometimes the consequences are worth it.

November 20, 2017
There are consequences, but sometimes the sneaky acts that are seen as deceptive are worth it. How do we know that he the people he is “stealing” from, did not take something from him first.

October 26, 2018

My understanding of this card has continued to evolve and I still view it as taking back something that was taken from us. There are times in life when we have to reclaim what is ours and there are times when we cannot make a full frontal attack, but we need to be sneaking and deceptive because the person holding it does not want to give it back to us.

Inequality in the Sixes

I woke up this week and realized I’ve lived my entire life as a six. Before the self love crowd starts getting on me about denigrating my appearance, let me clear I’m not talking about how I look, I’m talking about tarot cards. As I get more and more familiar with tarot, I’m learning to really pick out patterns and apply them to my own life. It also helps when the cards smack us upside the head with something again and again. For me, pulling the sixes over and over again has helped me realize all the ways I’ve fostered inequality in my life.

Financial Inequality

Druidcraft Six of Pentacles

The six of pentacles is about financial inequality. The first six of pentacles card I saw was the six of pentacles from the Druidcraft deck and I hated the card because to me it was all about people asking more from a poor old man than he had to give. I shuttered every time I pulled that card because it reminded me of all the times I’d been asked to give more than I had. As I studied (and acquired) more and more decks, I realized that most decks showed a more affluent person giving money to others and not a beggar being asked to give up his last dime.

Although the traditional image was less disturbing for me than the Druidcraft deck, it still represented financial inequality as someone with a lot of money was giving to someone with less money. I thought about the very few times in my life I’d been receiving from others and about how difficult it was to ask for a handout and admit I couldn’t make my own way.

Hansen Roberts Six of Pentacles

I also thought about the many more times I had been on the giving side of the equation. Being on the giving side of the equation brings with it its own set of issues. As a parent, we have all of the money and it is our job to give it to our children as needed. However, I know from my personal experience there’s been a lot of times where I’ve fallen back on the “we can’t afford it” line instead of being honest with my kids and saying we could afford it, but I don’t think it is the best way to spend our money. An unfortunate result of the “we can’t afford it” line is that my children have developed poverty consciousness and think we can’t afford anything. I’m working hard to change that by being honest about when we really can’t afford something and when it is not the best use of our money.

Unfortunately, we live in six of pentacles society where money is a measuring stick and people who can bring in more money are rewarded more than others even though a person making less money may be making the bigger contribution to society. Executives are paid more than teachers even though teachers make a far more valuable contribution to society.

I fell into the money as a measuring stick mind set during my marriage as I made significantly more than my now ex-husband and toward the end of our marriage money became a weapon of control. My feelings were since I made the money I got to choose where to spend it. I chose not to look at the other contributions he made and based it solely on who made the most. One of the lessons I learned from my marriage is that money is not the only measuring stick and that I need to look at people more holistically.

Emotional Inequality

RWS Six of Cups

When taken at face value, the six of cups is a charming card with an older child giving a smaller child a cup of flowers. The card seems to be about nostalgia, about having a big brother to take care of you, and about a happy childhood or, as one site says, the card is about simple goodness. And all of those things are true, but there is a darker side to the six of cups.

I did a spread where I asked what I had learned about love from various couples and for one couple the six of cups came up. Looking at the textbook definition of goodness and happiness, I was confused as I’d know that this couple had a miserable marriage where she made the money and he took advantage of her. I had an ah ha moment where I realized that the six of cups could also be about emotional inequality with one person being more invested in the relationship than the other or about one person taking advantage of the other person.

I gained an even deeper understanding of this card when I kept pulling it when asking about my relationship with a certain someone. At first, I viewed it as a happy card, but when I started to compare it to the two of cups which shows two people sharing a cup; I realized that when it came to adult relationships, this card was either about one person being rescued by another or one person taking advantage of another. When I truly reflected upon my relationship with this person, I realized it was both. My friend is a guy who likes to rescue damsels in distress and a lot of our relationship was built on that inequality. On the flip side, I know that he likes to rescue damsels in distress so if I was feeling a little sad or lonely, I’d be the damsel in distress and he’d rush to my rescue.

Those realizations made me really think about the type of relationships I want in my life and even more fundamentally about who I wanted to be in my own life. I realized that I don’t want to be a damsel in distress. I want to be an equal so I want a two of cups relationship and not a six of cups relationship.

Status Inequality

The six of wands and the six of swords represent the two sides of the status inequality coin: the six of wands shows the exalted hero riding in to the cheers of his adoring fans and the six of swords shows the gondolier as servant being ignored by his passengers. As I reflected on these cards, I realized I’m more comfortable in either of these roles than in a role as an equal.

Six of Wands

My roles as consultant, teacher, and leader reflect the six of wands as I love to stand at the front of the room and lecture and give advice. It’s not only the praise and adoration I love, it is the disconnection. I don’t have to engage in real conversation with people and let them in. As I look back over my life, I realize I’m really comfortable in the roles of organizing and teaching because they give a purpose to my interactions. When I’m teaching, I’m talking on a specific topic and even if I don’t have a prepared speech, I know the material well enough that I can speak convincingly. I’m also passionate enough about what I do that my lectures appear to be heartfelt, but they’re really not because it’s difficult for me to truly let people in and engage in a heartfelt conversation. Being above the crowd insulates me from other people’s messy feelings and emotions.

Six of Swords

If being a six of wands lets me be above the fray, slipping into the six of swords persona lets me fly below the radar. As long as I do my job and meet my obligations, I don’t have to engage with people on a personal level. I take their orders and don’t let them in to see the real me. I’ve been working as a consultant for the past six years and that’s the perfect job for an introvert who doesn’t let people in because everyone knows the day I walk in the door that the gig is temporary. I’ll be there for six months or so and then I’ll move on. There is no point to getting close to people because I’ll be gone soon.

A Lonely Way to Live

Living as six is a very lonely way to live because there aren’t true heartfelt connections of equals. Everything is about dominating or being dominated and at the end of the day it is about fear. Fear of not being good enough and fear of letting people in. So my challenge is to dig deep within myself to find the courage to let people in so I can be a two of cups instead of a six.

Six of Air

First Impressions: Movement

Six of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

Book: Goddess of arts, healing, and battle, being initiated to battle, this is a time of learning

Guidance: Accept guidance and find your purpose, prepare for challenges, learn from trusted teachers, balance activities

Journaling:

Wow! What an interesting card to draw today for what I learned from today. I’ve been asking what the next steps are and where I go from here. I’m being led and this card is telling me to accept guidance and find my purpose. Every time I ask to be led, it keeps coming back to tarot. I love tarot and it has really helped me to make that final push to heal and all of the work I’ve done to date has been amazing, but it is the tarot work that has been pushing me thee last few yards.

What I love about it is that it is the same that is different. I read the cards with my mind and my heart. I will continue to pray and meditate and allow myself to be guided wherever this journey takes me.

December 18, 2017

I’m still not sure what it all means, but I know I cannot earn what I earn now by doing tarot and I need to earn my salary.

December 25, 2017

The message I’m being given is to trust and I will be taken care of. I need to trust that it will all turn out the way it is meant to. It is incredibly hard to live a life of trust and surrender as those two words are the antithesis of my personality, but I really need to let go of my need to control my destiny and trust that they have something amazing and wonderful in store for me and that all I need to do is to take the next step. I know I’ve been guided to where I’m at today and that the next step has appeared as I’ve needed to take it, so why should I doubt that they will continue to guide me and be there for me?

Four of Swords

Four of Swords
Robin Wood Tarot

First Impressions: I love this card with the knight lying outside instead of in a cold room. I can feel the knight laying there in the warmth of the sun just relaxing. The four of swords is about relaxing and taking a break.

Book: Peace and quiet, repair the psyche, need for release from stress, meditation

Guidance: Take time for yourself, regroup, take care of yourself

Journaling

This card has a twofold meaning for me. It is about resting and recuperating, but it is also about putting my swords down and not fighting everyone else’s battles. My kids don’t need me to always be Mama Bear anymore. Cam did a great job of handling a difficult situation and my jumping in would not have added anything to the situation.

It is the same at work, I need to step back and let people fight their own battles. It is belittling to people when I fight their battles as it makes it seem as if they are not strong and capable.

January 4, 2018

Wow! What a great reminder and ties in to a lot of realizations that I’m having lately. I’m realizing that the kids are grownups and while I like to eat with them, they are capable of cooking their own food and they are capable of taking care of themselves. I don’t need to always put gas in the cars for them as they drive the cars, so they need to take ownership. Sometimes it is hard for me to step back because some things are easy for me and a little more difficult for them, but if I don’t step back, they will never grow up.

I’m also realizing that it is okay to put my sword down and choose not to fight someone’s battles or help them even if they ask. Yesterday morning, I got hit with these heavy waves of fear and melancholy. I was afraid of losing my job, afraid of being homeless, etc. It made no sense as overall I’ve been in a good place lately. I worked hard to shed the nasties, but nothing was working. I finally did a tarot spell to let go of burdens and as I did the spell, I realized that I was shedding other people’s expectations of me and I realized the nasties invading my serenity were coming from my ex-husband.

We’ve been divorced for six years and separated for almost eight, but karmic links are hard to break and we’d been together for 22 years in this lifetime and for countless lifetimes before that. When he is in intense emotional anguish, I feel it due to those karmic ties and I realized I was picking up on his fears. He left a job he’d had for 10 years last year due to severe depression and anxiety, broke up with his girlfriend of two years, and is currently unemployed. On top of this he has major medical issues and will be losing his health insurance at the end of June. If I was in his shoes, I’d be pretty scared.

Last night before I fell asleep, I put up my shields and let it be known to the universe that I was not taking on his burdens. His choice to walk away meant I no longer had any responsibility for his happiness, his security, or anything else. Maintaining that boundary is hard for me as I try to be compassionate, but I can’t take on his problems anymore. He needs to be responsible for his own life.