Category: Reversed

Daily Draw: Devil (R)

First Impressions:  Trapped in uncomfortable choices

Book:  Liberation from restrictions, defeat, release, severance, seeker will overcome evil, tempting fates

Guidance:  Remove what is holding you in bondage

Journaling

This card resonated with me today as it is about accepting and acknowledge all of me.  It is about not denying my shadow aspects.  I don’t have to indulge them, but I need to own them.  I’ve also realized that owning and accepting doesn’t mean I no longer work to grow and change.  It just means I am kind to the lost little girl who needs emotional support.

May 25, 2018

Interesting to read this today as last night I took Cam to Dillards and we bought underwear.  I was taken back to the year I started college and my dad took me shopping for clothes.  I bought expensive silk underwear and I bought this amazing swimsuit.  It was one piece, but it had buttons on the side and high cut thighs.  It was in no way racy, but it made me look and feel good about myself.  However, my stupid relatives had to shame me for having a nice body and wanting to show it off.  That was wrong of them.  I was doing nothing wrong and I was not responsible for their puritan beliefs. 

I don’t still have the awesome body that  had when I was in college, but my body is mine and it deserves to be treated with love and respect.  I deserve love and respect.  And love and respect means feeding myself healthy and nourishing foods that are good for me in the long term and don’t just give me a short term sugar high.

Daily Draw: Death (R)

First Impressions:  Slow Change

Book:  Seeker feels stuck, feels like nothing has been accomplished, remove the blockage, let go and move on, fear of change, depression

Guidance:  Let go and move on, work through the fear

Journaling

This card reflects where I’ve been lately.  I have been stuck and feeling as if I am never going to move on.  I don’t know if I am holding too tightly to the past or what.  I know I still want X and I really don’t want anyone else. It’s also so hard to move on when I am still stuck in Chicago half the time.  Even this week when I’ve been home, it feels like why bother when I know I will be back in Chicago next week.

May 25, 2018

One of the ways that I know that I am changing is that I am able to feel so much compassion for the pain I was in.  I no longer look at what I’ve written and cringe at my whining, but instead I acknowledge the pain that I was in and realize that not treating myself with compassion was a big part of the reason that I stayed stuck in my pain is that I did not have compassion for myself.  Instead, even if I didn’t write it on the page, I was internally berating myself and channeling my mother who told me to suck it up. 

Having heard messages like that for over 40 years, it is no wonder that I am cruel to myself.  That bitch constantly belittled me, put me down anytime I showed a “negative” emotion, and always made it about other people.  I’m realizing that she had no business being a mother as she had no clue how to be supportive and loving.  I am so fortunate that I had other women in my life who were positive and loving and who did encourage me.  I need to focus on that support and not on her constant put downs. 

I am so proud of myself for breaking free of her negativity.  It is hard in this country to walk away from a parent and say she is toxic.  Everyone seems t think that if someone is your parent that you owe them and that walking away is cruel.  I’m sure that she does view it as cruel, but it is the thing that saved my life.  Having Blaze offer unconditional love helped, but having the courage to walk away from my mother is what truly started me down the path to healing.  Knowing that I did not need her support and that I could CHOOSE to cut her out of my life was powerful and was the one thing that truly started me down a healing path.

Even though it has been eight years since I’ve seen her and seven since I’ve talked to her, there are till days when her nasty voice creeps back into my head and I have to have Frank escort her to the door and tell her to F* off.  However, lately I’ve been doing a good job of escorting her out of my head myself and telling her to F* off.

So incredibly proud of myself for getting rid of that toxic influence!!

Daily Draw: Two of Swords (R)

First Impressions:  Decisions

Book:  Stalemate, Catch 22, Difficult Choice, difficult Time, Discernment

Guidance:  Avoid premature decisions, embrace paradox, be still and trust

Journaling

Embracing paradox sums up a lot about my life right now.  I have to accept being in Chicago now even though it isn’t what I want.  I think part of why I fight it so much is that there is a certain conflict in being in Chicago.  I know where to eat, I know my way around, and I know people here.  For me it is just really hard to move on while I am still here every week. 

I know long term I can change things, but short term I have to make the best of it.  I have to learn to trust them.

May 24, 2018

What I have realized since I wrote this is that I have to make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago.  For the longest time, I’ve chosen to stay with one foot in each city.  However, I’m realizing that what will allow me to connect and build relationships in Cleveland is to actually make a deliberate decision to leave Chicago and to not go back.  I also have to accept that I have to leave Scott behind.  he has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and I need to accept that and let go.  Not necessarily what I want to do, but it it is what I need to do.

I feel better and more sure of myself in Cleveland when I am not constantly looking for emotional support from people in Chicago.