Queen of Swords – Cairn by Cairn

Shadow Work–Day 19

What part of my shadow do I need to use more?

Maker Four tells me I need to learn to say no to obligations, etc. that are not in my best interest. I shouldn’t say yes to things that mean I end up spending the entire weekend working with no down time. I need to learn to set better boundaries. It also means I need to stop using work to escape into and as an excuse to not meet people.

Dreamer Three tells me that I need to feel the heartbreak and let it go. I need to accept the cleansing relief that letting go of the pain can bring. I need to lean into the pain instead of running away from it.

Dreamer Queen tells me to think things through and to use my logic and not just my heart. Dreamer Queen is a stalker card as she has shown up multiple times.

Up until now my readings for this work have been spot on and have made a lot of sense. I struggled with this reading as the cards did not seem to make sense for the question. I’m going to continue to pray and meditate on it and the cards may make more sense later.

Shadow Work–Day 17

What is the main cause of my negative traits in relationships?

Dreamer Queen is back to tell me that one of the causes of my negative traits in relationships is that I live in my head and that I prefer books to people. Oddly enough I lead with my heart at work because I love what I do, in my personal life I very much lead with my head because my head is what keeps me safe. My heart made the bad decision to marry John so I have to pay for the rest of my life by living in my head. However, I have a choice and I can choose to take a more balanced approach and listen to both my heart and my head.

Warrior Five tells me that I put obstacles in my own way by continually coming up with excuses to not find love and to not let people in. I can always find something else to occupy my time or something else to do versus letting people in and spending time with people.

Oh the cards are talkative tonight. The last card I pulled is the Hermit and that is so true because I would rather stay in my comfort zone than get out and meet people. Oddly enough, this card rankles me sometimes because my ex used to say I was a hermit and it made me angry because he said it in such a derogatory manner. When we divorced, I embraced being a hermit because it meant that I could control who came into my life and I didn’t have to play by his rules anymore. However, I may have gone too far and built the walls too high.

Shadow Work–Day 16

What negative aspects of my shadow do I project?

As much as I love the Dancer Two card in its aspect of soulmate, the message it gives me about this question is that I often turn my back to people I love. If things get too emotionally intense, I will back away and be standoffish rather than be emotionally available and open to another person. I also tend to pull away when conversations get too personal. I don’t like to let people in because of my fear of being hurt so I walk away and show my back.

The flip side of this is Dreamer Ten which tells me that if I get comfortable with someone I can bleed my emotional pain all over someone else. Up until recently, I’ve taken emotional hostages and expected them to be my emotional support human and take whatever pain and ick I’ve dredged up. If they pulled back or had their own issues, I got angry because they weren’t there for me in the the way I needed them to be there for me.

Dreamer Queen sitting on her pile of books tells me that when I am in uncomfortable situations, I approach them from a place of the mind and not the heart. This reminds me of my original list of qualifications for a partner. Because my ex was basically a deadbeat, my first criteria for being with someone was that they made as much or more than I do. A lot of people pointed out to me that I was ruling out a lot of potential partners on something arbitrary. They made the argument that a lot of guys were not like my ex and were self supporting and would not have their ego’s bruised by someone making more money than they did. To a certain extent, I see their point, but my fear has kept me from removing that criteria.

As always with the Tarot of the Sidhe, I’m getting a lot of good reads that are truly speaking truths I need to hear.

BEAR Spread

I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately for a lot of reasons. I’ve got a great new job, but I’m not traveling and I’m home doing a lot of administrative stuff until I get placed on a project. It’s great getting paid, but I’m getting a little bored and am missing human interaction. I’m also lonely because work provides a lot of my people interaction. I generally travel four days a week, have intense interactions with people at work, and then I’m home for three days. That normally suits me well, but I’ve been home for the better part of two months and I am bored, lonely, and a little depressed.

All of the above are contributing to my feelings, but I wanted to know if there was something else behind it so I created the BEAR spread. BEAR is the acronym I use for how I deal with anger and other uncomfortable emotions. It stands for:

Breathe–I take deep breaths, meditation, do whatever it takes to calm down so I’m rational and not out of my mind with anger.
Embrace--It’s all too easy for me to shame myself for having “negative” emotions like anger or fear so I remind myself that anger, rage, etc. are normal human emotions.
Analyze--Sometimes the reason for my anger is clear, but other times it takes a little digging to figure out what I’m really feeling.
Release–After I know what i’m feeling, I take time to release my feelings. If I’m lonely I cry, if I’m angry at someone I might talk to them, or I might smash dishes to release my anger.

Since I wasn’t sure quite was bothering me, I decided to pull some cards to figure it out and I designed the BEAR spread.

Card 1–Breathe (How can I deal with my feelings right now?)
Card 2–Embrace (How can I embrace my feelings right now?)
Card 3–Analyze (What am I really feeling? What is the real trigger?)
Card 4–Release (How can I release my anger/sadness, etc. right now?)
Card 5–Outcome (what is the outcome?)

The cards I pulled were all reversed, which in itself tells me that I have some analysis and self work to do. None of them were overly bad, but all serve as a warning that I need to evaluate my emotions and figure things out.

Card 1–Breathe (How can I deal with my feelings right now?)

Five of Pentacles (R)

The five of pentacles reversed is telling me that I need to come in from the cold. The only way to solve the isolation and loneliness I’m feeling is to reach out to people. There are resources available, but I have to choose to take advantage of them. I get this card a lot so I think I really need to pay attention to it.

Card 2–Embrace (How can I embrace my feelings right now?)

Two of Pentacles (R)

I need to stop juggling the balls that are everyone else’s and focus on what is mine. I need to set boundaries with my kids and hold them accountable. I also have to put myself first sometimes which means not staying up until midnight when my son comes home from work. If there is a problem, he will call me and my staying up is not going to do anything except make me exhausted. I need to quit numbing myself with sugar and pay attention to what I eat and quit making excuses for eating garbage.

Card 3–Analyze (What am I really feeling? What is the real trigger?)

King of Pentacles (R)

The King of Pentacles reversed is telling me a lot. He’s telling me that I’m wondering if my only value to people is what I bring to the table financially. Do people really like me or is it what I can do for them? And that ties back to my primary social outlet being work. Another of the meanings is that I’m afraid of commitment and I don’t have people in my life because of my fear. And this theme shows up in almost every reading I do. I’m not thrilled, but my guess is that it will keep showing up until I do something about it.

Card 4–Release (How can I release my anger/sadness, etc. right now?)

Queen of Swords (R)

The Queen is telling me I’ve been letting my emotions rule and it is time to sit back and use my brain as well as my heart. Yes I may feel lonely, but for me loneliness right now is a a choice because I am choosing not to go out and meet people. I need to analyze and use my brain to come up with a solution.

Card 5–Outcome (what is the outcome?)

Page of Wands (R)

The Page is telling me that new friendships, relationships, etc. will not be handed to me. I need to take the queens advice and use my brain to start planning outings where I will meet people. I also have to quit using my job as an excuse because I’ve been home for eight weeks and still haven’t really ventured out much.

I’m not terribly thrilled with what these cards are telling me, but I realize that like all messages from the cards they are telling me that I am personally responsible and that it is within my power to change my life. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

I also wanted to share a picture of my unadorned Bear Claw. I created this two years ago in honor of The Morrigan.

Daily Draw: Queen of Swords

First Impressions: Decisiveness, clarity

Book: Cutting through illusion, intensity, perceptive, quick, confident, bearing our own sorrows, reads people

Guidance: Curb your words and speak with kindness

Journaling

This is one of my favorite quotes: “This is a woman who became the way she is today, of her daunting status, because at one point early in her life she was vulnerable and insecure about her self worth. What a perfect card to pull today. This really sums up who I am and what I’ve been through. I finally feel worthy of love and all the good stuff that life has to offer. I’m also secure in who I am. I have my moments and I’m not thrilled with my body, but in general, I like who I am.

May 27, 2018

As I look back over the past couple of years when I have been diligent about journaling every day, I’m seeing the changes in who I am and how I perceive myself. I am strong enough to recognize my flaws, but also loving enough to accept who I am. Some days it is hard for me and there are days when I still beat myself up, but overall I am in awe of who I am. I am stronger, but also kinder than I have ever been at any time in my life and I realize that a lot of my strength is about being strong enough to walk away from my mother.

That took so much strength. It is acceptable in our society to walk away from a husband or from friends, but the world judges people who walk away from their parents. It is as if we are supposed to accept any amount of garbage from our parents. We’re supposed to be strong and capable and get rid of energy vampires, unless they happen to be parents, then we are supposed to forgive, forgive, forgive.

I call bullshit.

Queen of Swords (reversed)

Queen of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: She has sapphires in her crown and there is a ruby in her sword. Like the King, she has personalized her sword and, like the King, the same X of light is hitting her sword. The skin on her arms appears gray. My first impressions of this card reversed are of defeat and expressing emotions (lack of emotional control?)

Book: Be kinder. Be slower to form opinions. Sorry may have hardened your heart. Hell bent on vengeance. Holding grudges.

Guidance: Breathe. Trust it will all work out. Do not take things so seriously. Draw wisdom rather than bitterness.

Journaling

I need to let go of my anger toward Meg She is doing her job as she sees fit and it isn’t personal. She’s not trying to screw me or hurt me. She is just trying to satisfy the client.

However, I always have choices and I can choose to find another job. I can also choose to make sure that Gateway is clear about what the deliverables are done. I can’t come out and say you don’t need me, but I can help them draw their own conclusions.

December 22, 2017

Interesting as I read this more than a year removed from the situation and I don’t even remember what the details of this seemingly traumatic event were. I gather from reading this that Meg wanted to extend me and I wanted to leave. At the end of the day, none of this mattered as the client ended up ending the project on short notice in February and I ended up leaving itellignece for NTT. And oddly enough, Meg ended up losing her job anyway.

I love reading journals from years past as it is a good reminder that all the shit that I think is so important, really isn’t. It is also a reminder that all the shit I’m going through right now, probably won’t matter in a year or so.