Category: Pentacles

Eight of Pentacles

Eight of Pentacles
Robin Wood Tarot

First Impressions:  The young boy is studiously making pentacles.  He has made a variety of pentacles with different wood and with different metal.  The eight of pentacles is about learning and growing, but reversed it may mean being stuck or not applying yourself.

Book:  Time to explore your goals, being unhappy at your job, need for future training

Guidance:  Vary the routine, try a more flexible approach

Journaling:

The eight of pentacles reversed has show up twice recently, which makes sense as I’m unhappy with my job.  I really dislike the travel and I hate working with clients who have absolutely no clue.  I feel stuck, but I do like the paycheck and security and these are important.  I’m not going to say it is hard to make it in a spiritual business because I know sometimes doors open up and things fall into place.

Dearest Ones,

Please help me to be open to opportunities and please provide these opportunities that will guide me down the right path.

Blessings, Raine

January 2, 2018

I’m getting cold chills (and not from the drafts) as I read this.  Shortly after I wrote this, I ended up moving over to itelligence because work dried up at NTT.  It was really weird how the job came about because I reached out to John B. as a reference and he ended up creating a job for me.  And the past year has been spent learning about patience and perseverance and about learning sales skills.  That’s pretty wild.

Dearest Ones,

Thank you for opening up this opportunity.  Please help me to learn all that I need to learn so I can take the next steps.

Blessings, Raine

Daily Draw: Four of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Open up, be generous

Book:  Letting go, sharing, releasing what has been hoarded

Guidance:  Open your heart, let go of all the anger

Journaling

I love this image of the four of pentacles with all of the pentacles held over his heart.  To me the message from this card is to let go of all the hurt I’m holding there.  I’m still holding on to anger and hurt from childhood and it’s time to let all of that go.  There is no value in holding on to those hurts.  I understand now how they’e negatively impacted me.

I need to hold on to all the lessons and let go of the pain and anger.  The same is true for my marriage.  I need to learn the lessons and let go.  There is nothing to be gained by holding on to the pain,

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God and Goddess, Dearly Beloveds

Please help me to let go of the anger and pain I feel over incidents that happened so long ago.  Help me to let go of shame, anger, guilt and all of those emotions that have no place in my life today.  In place of these emotions, please help me to embrace loving kindness.  Help me to realize that all of these slights and pain were more about the person who inflicted them than about me.

Help me to open my heart to love and goodness .  Let me know that opening my heart to love and goodness does not mean putting up with abuse.

Blessings,
Raine

I’m realizing now how screwed up my idea of love, especially unconditional love is.  From my mother, I learned that loving someone meant letting them abuse you and walk all over you, but you still had to be there for  them.  I cannot remember how many times Grandma was horrid to her, and she kept going back for more.

I don’t know why, but it is something we all do to a certain extent.  There is this hunger for and desire for family and we all have it.  We all want want families to love us even when they are incapable of unconditional love.

July 1, 2018

I needed to hear this today and remember that we all want to be loved.  I’m also starting to have more compassion for my mother as I realize that all she wanted was the same unconditional love from her mother that I wanted.  Maybe she thought that she could get it by giving more and loving more.  Maybe she was like me when I first went to Al Anon and thought it could change me into someone that John would love.  Maybe she thought that if she kept going back eventually her mother would change and would love her.

Maybe all of what I’ve viewed as her being controlling and manipulative was about her trying to help me avoid some of the pain she faced.  I don’t know the answer to any of that, but I do know that I can’t live being half a person.  I have to be my full self and not go after my dreams and wants because of someone else.

Three of Pentacles

Three of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I love the way the man is holding the pentacles and checking them to make sure they are correct.  This card traditionally speaks to collaboration and working together.

Book:  Creating and delighting in the process, collaboration, Creating what you envision, skill and spiritual values, spiritual renovation.

Guidance:  Cooperate with others, new work from a spiritual perspective.

Journaling:

I love thinking about opening my soul to renovation.  To me that speaks of making something good even better.  I am finally starting to appreciate the beauty and wonder that is me.  I’m appreciating my strengths and my perseverance.  I have been given and amazing life and I am so far of how far I’ve come and all that I’ve gone through to get here. 

However I can also appreciate that my halo is a little dirty and could use some polishing.  I know that I have work to do in letting go and forgiving.  I’m also realizing I have work to do in accepting healing work as a valid way to spend my time.  I sometimes get so caught up in beating myself up for reading a book or reading my tarot cards that I forget that I’m human and my body needs rest and my soul needs this healing work.  Sitting here and reading cards and journaling is a valid way to spend my time.

I think I’m jealous because people with addiction get 30 days or so to work on healing and other bruised and broken people are expected to just pick themselves up and move on with no down time.  After my divorce, it would have been amazing to check out of life for 30 days and focus on healing.  It would have been awesome to have structured workshops on different aspects of healing and to have someone guide me through the process of becoming whole again.  I instead I was left to flounder and find my own path.  I am so fortunate that I found people to help me and guide me and now I may be being led to create a program to help others.  It truly is a sacred duty.

Dearest Ones,

Please guide me to create a program that will help others grow and change.  Help me find ways to make people’s burdens just a little lighter.

December 29, 2017

The message I’ve been getting from my guides lately is that I need to focus on me and focus on what is helping me.  I can be an example to others to help them heal by following in my footsteps, but it is not time yet to be more active in creating something.  I need to do the prep work and build the foundation before I jump right in.  I’m really good at jumping right in, but I need to build my website slowly, build some class content because that’s fun for me.  Continue helping Scott, but I don’t need to jump in with both feet right now.

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and I love the colors.  One of my first impressions is that the knight is riding into battle into the sunset.  Despite being a card of swords and decisiveness, this card is kind of dreamy and romantic.  Reversed, this card is about losing control.
Book:  Stifling anger, staying silent, lack of commitment, vengefullness, continue to have thoughts and attitudes that are causing you problems.
Guidance:  Listen before speaking, speak your mind.
Journaling:
I am seething right now and the problem is that I don’t even know who to be angry at.  I guess I’m angry at the universe because I don’t have the one thing that I truly want in my life.  I want love. I want someone to care about me and to worry about me.  I don’t want more responsibility in my life.  I don’t want to be A’s teacher.  I’m sorry, , I am saying what’s in it for me and finding the answer to be nothing.  I know people have guided me and mentored me, but I have nothing left to give right now.  I’m totally tapped out and I don’t have the energy.  
And yes, I’m really angry.  It is another Christmas and I’m all alone.  I want someone to share my life with, I’m tired of being alone and living alone.  This is no fun.  
They just gave me an interesting message that if i want someone to snuggle with, I need to create room to snuggle.
January 25, 2018
Interesting rereading this as I’ve been really working to get rid of the clutter in my life.  A big part of my putting my journals online is so that I can get rid of the emotional baggage.  As I read through all of these entries, I’m looking at what the lessons are and letting go of the pain that goes along with the journal entries.  I’m also working on cleaning up my space and getting rid of things that I don’t need or that no longer serve me.

King of Pentacles

King of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  This king is so much more casual than some other versions of the King of Pents.  he is lounging as if he is a man who knows his own importance and isn’t afraid to be himself.  The king of pents is clearly the master of his domain.

Book: Enjoy the finer things in life, working hard for what you have, wanting to set aside responsibility, not satisfied by the good life, sharing what he has.

Guidance:  Welcome change and innovation, you’ve earned what you have

Journaling

Interesting that s I’m sitting looking over the city, I’m lonely.  It feels as if I have everything I need or desire, but it doesn’t mean anything.

January 23, 2018

It’s been over a year since I pulled that card and my perspective has changed so much.  Although I still want someone in my life, I’m better able to appreciate what I have and the person I’ve become.  I think a big part of my problem was that I didn’t think I should be comfortable being alone and I didn’t think I should be proud of my accomplishments.  My parents raised me to believe I was nothing without a man and John reinforced that by being jealous of who I was and what I had accomplished.  He was continually trying to bring me down a notch and it became easier to just be “less than” than to deal with his drama.  What I’ve learned is that it really is/was his drama.  He was the one that felt inadequate.  It was nothing that I did.  It was all about his inadequacies.  I don’t and can’t own them.

The funny thing is that the word that keeps coming up for me is Fierce.  I feel fierce when I manage all the different aspects of my life.  I feel fierce when I kick butt and take names.  I’m learning that sometimes you just need to be direct and tell people what to do.  It still feels really uncomfortable for me, but I know it is what needs to be done.

Six of Pentacles

Six of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  I’m not sure how I feel about this card as the hands are very disjointed and he is so focused on the scale that he isn’t looking at the people.  This card is about judgement and about deciding who to give to.

Book:  Giving, letting resources fall by the wayside, giving too much, choices, needs being mutually met, power imbalance, abuse

Guidance:  Give wisely, examine your motives in giving, strive for more equality

Journaling

This card confirms what I know in my heart that X and I will never be together.  He sees me as a peer and as strong and that’s not what he wants.  He likes to be the white knight who rides the rescue and that’s not the situation any more.  I think I knew it was over 3 years ago when he said I was a strong woman.  That should have been a compliment, but it hurt like hell.  It felt as if I was slapped in the face.  In some ways, that was worse than all the insults that John threw at me.  At the time, I thought my reaction was just me being paranoid, but I knew now that wasn’t paranoia, that was the end of whatever chance I had of being with him.  He likes damsels in distress and that was the day I knew that wasn’t me any longer.

January 23, 2018

I’m not exactly sure how I got from the six of pentacles to the conclusion I drew, but I guess that is what the gods were whispering in my ear when I pulled this card.  When I look at this pull in combination with the Nine of Pentacles Reversed that I drew before, this makes so much sense.   The nine of pentacles was me being released from my golden cage and this card is confirming that I am my own person.  I no longer need someone to take care of me as I’m quite capable of taking care of myself.

The thing is that I’ve been quite capable of taking care of myself for quite a long time, but because of the conditioning I received, I thought I needed someone and that I was nothing on my own.  It’s taken me a long time to realize it, but I am good enough on my own and I don’t need someone to take care of me.  I’ve also realized that collaborating and being taken care of are two different things.  I can collaborate with people and continue to be capable and strong.

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Nine of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions:  Reversed this card gives a sense of loss, a sense of losing what’s important, and of losing footing. It could also mean a loss of independence or prosperity.  I do love how colorful this card is and the butterflies truly give it a sense of freedom

Book:  Intolerance for emotional messiness, lack of discipline, frustration from unmet goals

Guidance:  Get comfortable with imperfection

Journaling

This is a hard cared for me to read today.  I’m not sure if it is about goals or finances.  Part of what I have to figure out is why L. is bugging me so much.  I don’t think it is about her as it is about what she represents.  She uses people without giving back and that bothers me a lot.  It makes me think of John as he used me and contributed nothing.  It was always all about his wants and his needs and never about mutual wants and needs.  That made it difficult to have a real marriage.  There was also a huge power and income disparity.

I have to be with someone in my own income bracket as I can’t be with someone who makes a lot more or less as that doesn’t work for me.  Those relationships just have too many issues.  I don’t want to be the less powerful person because I refuse to be a kept woman, but I also don’t want to be the keeper as that gets really old.

January 23, 2018

As I continue to grow in my tarot journey, one of the things that strikes me is how many different meanings there could be in a card.  I know the 9 of pentacles is usually read as a self made woman, but I wonder if another meaning could be someone who is in a gilded cage. Someone who has everything they want, except for freedom.  In some ways, I really feel like that’s where I’m at lately because I have everything I want, but I sometimes feel so trapped and as if it would be wonderful to just walk away from it all.  The nine of pentacles reversed could be about escaping from the gilded cage.

Three of Pentacles (Reversed)

Three of Pentacles (R)
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  Losing all progress, being unbalanced, Arrogance, not needing anyone

Book: Inefficiency, working at cross purposes, state of inner and outer discord, exhausted, overworked, burned out, not taking enough care

Guidance:  Be aware of losing the magical connection to process and project, reconsider the team you are working with

Journaling

Interesting guidance as I’ve been thinking about the team in my life and I’m realizing that I surround myself with users who don’t give back.  John was a user, A can be a user to a certain extent, L is definitely a user.  My gives give back what they can, but I’m definitely carrying the heaviest load. 

I’m wondering if part of the reason I’m struggling with manifesting love and relationships is that I have nothing left to give.  I’m overdrawn emotionally and spiritually and there is no one to fill up my reserves and take care of me.  I’m really torn about mentoring someone right now because it feels as if it is someone taking from me without getting anything back and I don’t have a lot to give right now.

I need to give some serous thought as to whether or not this is working and whether I can do it.  I have to give serious thought to how to refill my well.

January 23, 2018

The universe has been telling me lately that I’m running on empty and I need to recharge.  They are screaming this message at me as I left both my computer charger and the charger for my DVD player at home.  If that’s not a big time screaming message that I’m out of energy, I don’t know what is.  One of the ways this project has been really good for me is that I have had to rely on others and haven’t been able to just jump in and do everything.  I’ve had to let others do the heavy lifting and that has been really difficult for me. 

Right now I’m working on ways to stop the energy drain and the first one is better boundaries to stop expending energy on random strangers.  That means tuning out the people who talk at me on planes, taking the bus instead of a cab when I can, and, if all else fails, telling people I don’t have time to talk to them.  That sounds so rude, but right now I am in survival mode from an energy drain and I need to take care of myself.

I also need to find ways to recharge.  I’m glad the weather is getting better because I love to walk outside and that really helps me recharge my energy..  I’m also going to take my turns walking the Clarken.

Daily Draw: Ten of Pentacles (R)

First Impressions:  Focus on love and emotional ties over vanity and status

Book:  Emotional loss, loss of belongings, home life is not fulfilling, no sense of fulfillment

Guidance:  Focus on love, be open

Journaling

This was a good reminder that it isn’t all about money.  it is important to focus on emotional fulfillment as well as financial fulfillment.  I think we did that by going out to dinner and having a nice evening out.  The carriage ride was the icing on the cake and it was awesome to learn about our city from someone who really gets it.

May 27, 2018

I’m realizing that like with all things there needs to be a balance between money and emotions.  I always thought that John and I were happy, but I’m realizing that being poor kept us together.  We were both so worried about being broke, that it was easier to stay together than to contemplate being single and broke.  The house was what truly broke us apart because we really could not afford it and it exposed all of the cracks in our relationship.

Interestingly enough, I’m making so much more money now and I feel so much more secure than I did when I had to rely on John to pay his half of the bills.  He was never very reliable and deep down inside I knew it, but I kept lying to myself about his reliability and I kept believing his lies.  I remember when we were really struggling and he kept refusing to get a job.  Or when he had a job and he quit because he didn’t like it and didn’t do anything to get a new one.

Looking back, I realize that he was suffering anxiety and depression then, but he refused to admit it.  He was so much better at self medicating than facing his problems and doing what needed to be done.  Even though I know that he was depressed and struggling, it is still hard for me to feel compassion for him because he chose not to do the right thing and he chose to make us all pay for his depression. 

There is a part of me that feels like I will never trust anyone again because I am afraid of being taken advantage of, but that is not a good way to live.  I need to accept that I am stronger now and I am in a much better place than  I was eight years ago.

Daily Draw: Page of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Excitement for new projects

Book:  Wanting to make a difference, pragmatic, results oriented, excited about learning

Guidance:  Stay focused

Journaling

This was a great card to receive today as I needed the reminder that I do have what it takes to achieve what I want.  I just need to stay focused and do the work.  It’s harder to apply the skills I use in the work world to love, but I’m getting there.

I do know that I need to spend the next year focused on my body.

May 27, 2018

I haven’t done such a good job focusing on my body and I really do need to take a step back and figure out what my poor neglected body needs to do to thrive.  A lot of it has to do with taking the time to eat healthy food and to let go of my addiction to sugar.  I’m realizing that the sugar addiction is the same as the alcohol addiction when I was younger.  I crave soda and I have rituals around it.  I need to go back to the first step and admit that I am powerless over sugar and that my life around it has become uncontrollable.  I need to focus on finding healthy solutions, eating more fruit, and really letting go of my addiction to the hard stuff (i.e. sugar).  This is day two without soda and I’m not feeling too badly.  I also bought some caffeine patches which I hope will help me.