Pentacles – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: Page of Pentacles

First Impressions: Learning, intelligence

Journaling

I’m not doing my usual recap because I just pulled this card two days ago. I have no clue as to what it means,but this card has shown up about four ties lately. The page can be about a need to focus to gain rewards. It could be an opportunity or an invitation.

Spirit,

Please tell me what the page of pentacles means for me. Thank you.

For now, I am going to go about my business and trust that it will all be revealed to me.

December 29, 2018

I’m realizing that in retrospect, the Page was telling me two things. The first is about Cam and supporting her love of learning and the second is about my own love of learning. The Page is telling me that it is right to explore and learn and to follow my passions. I am so excited about going back to grad school. I know it will be challenging, but I’m also very very excited.

Daily Draw: Page of Pentacles

First Impressions: Wonder, intelligence

Book: My path is wide open and I am prepared for new adventures

Guidance: Could represent someone young who is depending on me, time to start over

Journaling

This is another card that has been stalking me. I am not sure if it refers to Cam just starting out or if it represents me beginning a new endeavor. Whatever it represents, I am just glad that I am out of my black funk and ready to move forward. I almost feel like this card is Cam in her sparkling boots holding her future in her hands.

December 27, 2018

This card definitely feels like me today. I am so excited to be starting school and beginning a new adventure. The most amazing part of this adventure is that I’m not 100 percent sure where it is going to lead me and I’m okay with that. I’m not feeling like I have to know the outcome. I’m just ready to see where it leads me and that in and of itself is an amazing place to be.

Daily Draw: Ten of Pentacles

First Impressions: Stability, happy and prosperous home

Book: This could relate to family matters. This card is about getting what you want and reveling in it

Guidance: Appreciate what you have, keep plugging away

Journaling

This is an interesting card and I’m not sure how to read it. What my heart is telling me is that this represents a happy and successful love relationship. I’m currently a 9 of pentacles, a single and successful woman, but this card brings in that loving partnership that I desire. This card is about the culmination and the partnership.

However,looking at it this way makes me feel something in my life is lacking and there really isn’t. Overall, I’m happy and it is nice to be able to make decisions on my own. It could also mean that family issues are coming to a head. Could it be something to do with Charlene? That s also a possibility and that’s more shit I don’t want to deal with.

I guess I just need to let go and see what happens because the reality is that until I know more, there is nothing I can do.

December 27, 2018

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past year is that family comes in all shapes and sizes and that the most important aspects are love, happiness, and stability. I feel like over the past eight years, the kids and I have really built a happy and stable home where everyone feels safe. I’m not messing around and delaying getting home because I don’t want to deal with his anger and rage. His anger and depression were a thing onto themselves and they really fueled the energy in the home. It always felt like pins and needles walking in the door and I never knew what kind of reaction I was going to get.

Now, I know that there isn’t all the anger and hate and rage. Sometimes the energy at home gets kind of wonky, but mostly it is calm and peaceful. I like coming home and knowing that I am safe. Living with John, I never knew if I was going to be safe. There was sure to be some kind of putdown or anger.

The day I really knew how much he was negatively impacting me was the day before his heart attack. He was downtown on his mini vacation and I was out doing my own thing. The thing I remember about that day is how free and happy I felt because I knew that I was going home to a safe space because he wasn’t there to put me down and hurt me. At first I felt guilty when he had his heart attack, but I’ve realized that there is nothing for me to feel guilty about. He brought this all on himself and I don’t need to feel guilty about not wanting to be around someone who was angry and abusive.

Daily Draw: Seven of Pentacles

First Impressions: Patience and in it for the long haul

Book: Months, nurturing his garden, harvest to be reaped, anxiety over the future

Guidance: Time for patience, try not to be anxious, ponder your next move

Journaling

This is a reminder just like all the truths that slow and steady wins the race. I can’t undo 50 years of bad habits in a short amount of time. I need to take the time to truly build a relationship with my body and nurture it. That is especially important if I am choosing to go the natural route and not do drugs. I have to build and nurture this relationship and I need to make it a priority. That means the big things like not traveling overnight to the little things like drinking enough water. I need to take care of me and I don’t do a really good job of that.

Dearest ones,

Please help me to love and nurture my body and to do the things I need to do to feel better.

Blessed Be,
Raine

December 27, 2018

I used to hate this card because it was a reminder that I could not change everything overnight. However, I’ve learned to appreciate it because it tells me that with a little bit of effort and patience I will see changes. I have started to see those changes as my blood sugar is inching my way down and when I do the right things, it is in a good place. My body is actually very responsive when I treat it with love and respect. I’m also realizing that slow is better and my goal for 2018 is to do something every day. I don’t have to be a kamikazi and walk a million miles a day, but I do have to get out and do something even if it is just a walk around the block.

Four of Earth (Sphinx)

Four of Earth
Dark Goddess Lodge

First Impressions: This is a beautiful card and the essence of the four of pentacles is captured with the Sphinx sitting on the golden towers. All seeing, guarding treasure

Book: How you define your life limits your life, you are asked to define and claim your life, life is about more than one possesses, it is about what one leaves behind.

Guidance: Definitions work two ways, helping you understand reality and separating your perception from reality; find your own reality, define your own reality, honor what you have to work with.

Journaling:

I am intrigued by this card as the traditional four of earth (pentacles) is about being a miser and hoarding. I’m wondering if the wisdom of this card is that if in hoarding wealth or knowledge it doesn’t grow. When we nurture our wisdom and money without hoarding it, they can grow and change and become something else. I like the idea of redefining a position based on moving words around and challenging beliefs. I am finding that as I choose to do affirmations and open my heart and mind to new ways of thinking, life starts to change. It is also about being honest and being willing to ask for help and accept guidance

January 20, 2018

It is amazing how making a deliberate decision to change our lives, then doing the magickal and physical work to make that happens really helps. I’m choosing to let go of the past and doing affirmations and spells to make that happen. I’m also making deliberate decisions to not put myself in situations that will suck me back int my longings and old behavior. It’s really hard, but every time I make a decision to not do something, to not visit Chicago, to not make a phone call, to not text, etc., I feel better about myself and that makes it easier to make the right decision the next time.

Ten of Earth

Ten of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: My first impressions of Ala are that she is stiff and statue like and is not interacting with her people. She also is very much a goddess of fertility with the prominent breasts and the design painted on her stomach.

Book: Kin and Kind, living and dead are all part of one another, totality of the earth in all its variety and appearances, Goddess of morality and judgement, keeper of customs and laws.

Guidance: Let relationships go as needed, do not seek vengeance, celebrate good fortune, celebrate those whose work you admire, keep and renew your relationship with the earth

Journaling:

This reading hits where I’m at today about the need to let go of people without vengeance. It is about shedding the ties that no longer should be binding us. My tie to John is a big one as he hurt me badly. I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed we were sleeping together and he made an amorous advance. Initially, I responded to him, but then my dream rewound and I asked him if he loved me or if I was just convenient. When he didn’t respond, I knew everything I needed to know. This helped me to realize that our issues were not all about me and that he really does see women as objects.

January 20, 2018

As I read this, I’m realizing that my relationship with the earth also needs to include my relationship with my body. This was an incredibly hard week and I lost my connection to both the earth and myself. I spent most of my week in my head dealing with issues and lost track of the world around me. I didn’t make time to go to the ocean or to ground myself and I’m paying the price. This week may be just as insane, but I need to make time to ground and take care of myself.

Siren of Earth

Siren of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I don’t like this card at first glance because it looks as if her face is on her ass. However, when I look more closely, I realize her face is on her stomach as it is about the bawdy and wonderful things that Baubo does. My initial thoughts on this were thinking with other parts of our body than our heads.

Book: This is the life in the belly: raw, ridiculous, sublime; Goddess of the belly laugh, power of laughter to activate the power of creativity. This is the time for feminine renewal and sexuality

Guidance: Laugh and smile deliberately, explore your body, explore physicality, be outlandish

Journaling:

I love the reminder to be bawdy and explore my uncivilized self. I’m not sure how I feel about being in the company of women as that’s always been disappointing for me. I’ve never been comfortable with women. I feel relations with women are stilted and as if they don’t get me. I’ve always been much more comfortable with men. Of course, today it is much too cold to be bawdy about anything! The wood room is freezing and I don’t know if I’ll ever be warm!

January 2, 2018

It’s interesting as I reflect on this as to why this card makes me really uncomfortable and it goes back to a lot of interactions with other women. Oddly, in these interactions I was the prude:

When I was a preteen or a young teenager we were at my Grandmother Babcock’s house making butter and she said something about not getting pregnant by holding a pill between my legs. At the time, I had no clue what she was talking about, but it made me uncomfortable.
My mother was talking to a friend while I was in the backseat of the car when I was 10 or so and she said something about my dad reaching for her breast and grabbing a roll of fat instead. That made me incredibly uncomfortable.
When John and I were first dating, we went to Joan and George’s and Vicky and Joyce were talking about my breasts and how they had kept growing. That was so awkward and made me uncomfortable, but when I protested I was told I was too sensitive.

In my mind all three of these interactions were really inappropriate and made me feel uncomfortable. I have no problem making impersonal bawdy comments, but two of these were directed at me and the third was by my mother…ick. John also made me uncomfortable because he’d have really inappropriate conversations with the kids and when I asked him to stop, he refused and told me I was too sensitive.

What I’m realizing this as I read this is that I’m not really a prude and I don’t necessarily think other women are prudes, but I want agency over bawdy conversations and I want my feelings to be listened to and to not be told I’m too sensitive or that I need to lighten up.

Wow! Pretty incredible what the cards tell us when we pay attention and listen.

Witch of Earth

Witch of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: I initially thought this card was showing Inanna welcoming a lover in a cave, which would be Ereshkigal’s domain. However, she is welcoming a lover in a bower, drawing him with her loveliness. Inanna always speaks to me of death and rebirth.

Book: Make magic in your partnership with natural forces, storehouse where grain was stored awaiting transformation into grain, Inanna’s body was one with the earth.

Guidance: Learn your plant allies, express your creativity through baking, or other trans-formative actions, approach everyday tasks with a sense of service.

Journaling:

One of the things I have been working on is to approach life with a sense that we are all in this together. I’ve also been working hard to foster kindness, especially with people in service positions. I know people often look down on service workers and/or are nasty to them, but anyone doing an honest and hard job deserves to be appreciated. It doesn’t take any more effort to be kind to people than to be nasty and I feel so much better about myself when I am kind.

December 27, 2018

In some ways it feels weird to equate kindness with Inanna, because I always think of her and her sister together and she definitely was not kind to Ereshkigal. She went down and invaded her home with her uppity attitude as if she was the queen of the underworld and had the right to treat people like crap. In my mind she deserved to get her comeuppance as she was a bitch.

However, my personal feelings about the myths aside, when I think about the sign at the Ritz-Carlton, “Ladies and Gentleman taking care of Ladies and Gentleman.” That slogan put people on an equal footing and conveyed the message that everyone was worth of respect. I try to approach life like that because I am no better or worse than anyone else, I’m just a person trying to get by.

I have to be honest and say that if anything, it took me a long time to get over the thought that I was worse than or less than other people. I always thought that I deserved the scraps and that it was okay if people disrespected me. I’ve put a lot of hard work into changing that impression of myself and most days, I feel good about myself.

Five of Earth

Five of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: Demeter is so sad and desolate on this card. I feel the barrenness of the earth as if all of the life has been taken away. This is definitely a card of loss and the need to come in from the cold. There is a different kind of barrenness outside my window today as it is cold and snowy and the darkness is creeping over the world even though it is just 4 pm.

Book: Give no part of yourself to that which does not sustain you.

Guidance: Accept the fallow times as part of the cycle, release expectation

Journaling:

I love and needed to hear the messages of this card today. I am so impatient that I fail to see all the wonders around me. I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day that I often forget that the best things in life take time. Demeter also reminds me of the importance of taking time to mourn and be still within myself.

December 13, 2017

Although it wasn’t the main plot line on NCIS NOLA last night, the interplay between Dwayne and his dad was meaningful to me. The idea of being free of a parent is so liberating. I think I have been trying so hard to be the “modern woman” that I’ve forgotten you can have love and a career. Interesting that this is all coming up around Demeter, who lost herself in grief for her daughter.

December 18, 2017

All I need to do is to be myself. I don’t need to make up for anything or to prove anything to anyone. I just need to be me.

December 27, 2017

The message that all I need to do is be myself is so powerful and it is a lesson that I desperately needed to hear. I get so caught up in trying to live up to other people’s expectations that I forget that I just need to live life for me. I think that is why I am so adamant that my blog is mine and mine alone. It is not meant to be a place of wisdom for other people, although I am always willing to freely share what I have learned.

Inequality in the Sixes

I woke up this week and realized I’ve lived my entire life as a six. Before the self love crowd starts getting on me about denigrating my appearance, let me clear I’m not talking about how I look, I’m talking about tarot cards. As I get more and more familiar with tarot, I’m learning to really pick out patterns and apply them to my own life. It also helps when the cards smack us upside the head with something again and again. For me, pulling the sixes over and over again has helped me realize all the ways I’ve fostered inequality in my life.

Financial Inequality

Druidcraft Six of Pentacles

The six of pentacles is about financial inequality. The first six of pentacles card I saw was the six of pentacles from the Druidcraft deck and I hated the card because to me it was all about people asking more from a poor old man than he had to give. I shuttered every time I pulled that card because it reminded me of all the times I’d been asked to give more than I had. As I studied (and acquired) more and more decks, I realized that most decks showed a more affluent person giving money to others and not a beggar being asked to give up his last dime.

Although the traditional image was less disturbing for me than the Druidcraft deck, it still represented financial inequality as someone with a lot of money was giving to someone with less money. I thought about the very few times in my life I’d been receiving from others and about how difficult it was to ask for a handout and admit I couldn’t make my own way.

Hansen Roberts Six of Pentacles

I also thought about the many more times I had been on the giving side of the equation. Being on the giving side of the equation brings with it its own set of issues. As a parent, we have all of the money and it is our job to give it to our children as needed. However, I know from my personal experience there’s been a lot of times where I’ve fallen back on the “we can’t afford it” line instead of being honest with my kids and saying we could afford it, but I don’t think it is the best way to spend our money. An unfortunate result of the “we can’t afford it” line is that my children have developed poverty consciousness and think we can’t afford anything. I’m working hard to change that by being honest about when we really can’t afford something and when it is not the best use of our money.

Unfortunately, we live in six of pentacles society where money is a measuring stick and people who can bring in more money are rewarded more than others even though a person making less money may be making the bigger contribution to society. Executives are paid more than teachers even though teachers make a far more valuable contribution to society.

I fell into the money as a measuring stick mind set during my marriage as I made significantly more than my now ex-husband and toward the end of our marriage money became a weapon of control. My feelings were since I made the money I got to choose where to spend it. I chose not to look at the other contributions he made and based it solely on who made the most. One of the lessons I learned from my marriage is that money is not the only measuring stick and that I need to look at people more holistically.

Emotional Inequality

RWS Six of Cups

When taken at face value, the six of cups is a charming card with an older child giving a smaller child a cup of flowers. The card seems to be about nostalgia, about having a big brother to take care of you, and about a happy childhood or, as one site says, the card is about simple goodness. And all of those things are true, but there is a darker side to the six of cups.

I did a spread where I asked what I had learned about love from various couples and for one couple the six of cups came up. Looking at the textbook definition of goodness and happiness, I was confused as I’d know that this couple had a miserable marriage where she made the money and he took advantage of her. I had an ah ha moment where I realized that the six of cups could also be about emotional inequality with one person being more invested in the relationship than the other or about one person taking advantage of the other person.

I gained an even deeper understanding of this card when I kept pulling it when asking about my relationship with a certain someone. At first, I viewed it as a happy card, but when I started to compare it to the two of cups which shows two people sharing a cup; I realized that when it came to adult relationships, this card was either about one person being rescued by another or one person taking advantage of another. When I truly reflected upon my relationship with this person, I realized it was both. My friend is a guy who likes to rescue damsels in distress and a lot of our relationship was built on that inequality. On the flip side, I know that he likes to rescue damsels in distress so if I was feeling a little sad or lonely, I’d be the damsel in distress and he’d rush to my rescue.

Those realizations made me really think about the type of relationships I want in my life and even more fundamentally about who I wanted to be in my own life. I realized that I don’t want to be a damsel in distress. I want to be an equal so I want a two of cups relationship and not a six of cups relationship.

Status Inequality

The six of wands and the six of swords represent the two sides of the status inequality coin: the six of wands shows the exalted hero riding in to the cheers of his adoring fans and the six of swords shows the gondolier as servant being ignored by his passengers. As I reflected on these cards, I realized I’m more comfortable in either of these roles than in a role as an equal.

Six of Wands

My roles as consultant, teacher, and leader reflect the six of wands as I love to stand at the front of the room and lecture and give advice. It’s not only the praise and adoration I love, it is the disconnection. I don’t have to engage in real conversation with people and let them in. As I look back over my life, I realize I’m really comfortable in the roles of organizing and teaching because they give a purpose to my interactions. When I’m teaching, I’m talking on a specific topic and even if I don’t have a prepared speech, I know the material well enough that I can speak convincingly. I’m also passionate enough about what I do that my lectures appear to be heartfelt, but they’re really not because it’s difficult for me to truly let people in and engage in a heartfelt conversation. Being above the crowd insulates me from other people’s messy feelings and emotions.

Six of Swords

If being a six of wands lets me be above the fray, slipping into the six of swords persona lets me fly below the radar. As long as I do my job and meet my obligations, I don’t have to engage with people on a personal level. I take their orders and don’t let them in to see the real me. I’ve been working as a consultant for the past six years and that’s the perfect job for an introvert who doesn’t let people in because everyone knows the day I walk in the door that the gig is temporary. I’ll be there for six months or so and then I’ll move on. There is no point to getting close to people because I’ll be gone soon.

A Lonely Way to Live

Living as six is a very lonely way to live because there aren’t true heartfelt connections of equals. Everything is about dominating or being dominated and at the end of the day it is about fear. Fear of not being good enough and fear of letting people in. So my challenge is to dig deep within myself to find the courage to let people in so I can be a two of cups instead of a six.