Nine of Wands – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First Impressions: Waiting, battle weary, fortress

Book: Ready to face opponents, resting before returning to fighting, determination, courage, strength through adversity

Guidance: Time to rest and collect your thoughts, success is the only possible outcome

Journaling

One of the messages I need to take from this is that I need to pick my battles. Not every battle is worth fighting! Wow! That was pretty prophetic as someone online really pissed me off by posting a long interpretation about a post I’d made. I wasn’t looking for any interpretation, I was just putting my thoughts out there, but this moron proceeded to give me his interpretation. I then thanked everyone but him for their comments and he got pissy and said I won’t reply to your stuff anymore. I really wanted to reply and say, “Good!” However, that would have been petty. I’m just going to let it go and not disrupt the peace of the board. I’m not sure why some jackass felt the need to post and interpret my cards, but I don’t need his response and if I could delete it, I would. Not responding is such a difficult thing to do. I love to have the last word, but some people aren’t worth it and he wasn’t worth it.

December 29, 2018

In retrospect, maybe it would have been worth it to post and remind him that I didn’t not ask for comments and that I was perfectly capable of interpreting my cards myself. One of the things that I have learned this year is that I need to start evaluating whether I am not speaking up and defending myself because I want to keep the peace or because I am afraid of conflict. My response to the jackass in Chicago who commented on my body made me feel so empowered!

I know that in the past, I would have pulled my coat tighter and scurried off like a little mouse because I was afraid. I would have been seething and angry inside, but I would have been a) afraid to provoke him, b) afraid to hurt his feelings, and c) afraid of what people would think of me. All of those are totally bullshit responses. My mother conditioned me to put everyone else’s feelings ahead of mine and I would have done that even with this worthless piece of rude shit. However, no more. His feelings were not more important than mine. He was a worthless piece of shit with no manners and my speaking out was the right thing to do. Even if he thought I was a bitch, that didn’t matter. What mattered is how empowered that I felt.

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First Impressions: Resting

Book: Not expecting failure, puzzled, retreat and regroup, take time to reflect, withdraw, to heal , to learn. Not letting his guard down, stick to his guns, a survivor

Guidance: Hold the fort, learn from the past, stick to your guns

Journaling

I know I’m right in the mom situation and I know expanding more energy on her will only hurt me, but the little girl in me wants a mom who is willing to concede and wants to regress to a little girl. I can’t do that. I have come too far and worked too hard to get where I am.

The grownup part of me realizes she is toxic and will never change. She is stuck in the mother knows best mindset and she is unwilling to learn a new way. One of the things I have learned from program is that you can only help the willing. It is not that I am leaving her. I am shining a light and she is unwilling to follow. She is stuck in denial and defensiveness and is unwilling to seek or accept help.

July 1, 2018

Although I’m not proud of my behavior the last few days and I’ve had a few tantrums and not been very nice to be around, at the end of the day, I have accepted that I have behaved like an ass and I’m working to make amends and repair my relationships. I did have my moments of defensiveness where I was angry that Cam said I was just like my mother and I was angry at her, but then I took a step back and realized that I was behaving like my mother and I wasn’t liking what I was seeing in the mirror.

Even though I did not do it perfectly and even though I behaved like an ass, I am proud of myself for taking the step back and realizing that I could do better and that I needed to do better. I am not perfect, but I am a human becoming and that is a good thing.

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First impressions: Contemplation

Book: Full of fire and ready to fight another day, refusing to ask others for help, resistance to change

Guidance: Ask for help, be open to change

Journaling

This card is about the hard won courage that comes from sticking to our guns when it would be so easy to give in and give up. I have to be honest and say I feel that way today. After my mother’s guilt trip yesterday, it would be so easy to give in and play the good daughter. But I can’t go back to having her question everything I do, especially as she isn’t even mature enough to accept that she’s doing it. I need people who are loving and supportive in my life, not people who constantly tear me down. However, part of me says I should just let go and accept who she is.

September 1, 2018

What I know now after a lot of introspection, a lot of journaling, and a lot of hard conversations with myself is that accepting who she is and keeping her out of my life are not mutually exclusive. She is not good for me and having her in my life is detrimental to my mental health. However, I have also had to accept that I need to let go of her and not think that she will be the person I need her to be in my life because she is incapable of that. She doesn’t have the self awareness or the skills to be the loving, kind, and nonjudgmental person that I need in my life. And it is okay for me to not have her in my life as an act of self preservation.