Daily Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmares, anxiety

Book:  Despair, sorrow, nightmares, grief, death

Guidance:  Prepare for the worst situation, could not have been avoided, are things as bad as they appear?

Journaling

I always view this card as a reminder that nightmares happen.  It does not mean that they are reality.  I need to let go of my fears and worries and focus more on what I can control.  I can’t control what Darshan does, I can’t control what Gadino does.  The only person I have agency over is me.  I spend so much time worrying about what other people do and say when in reality there is nothing I can do to control others.

December 29, 2018

I needed this reminder today.  I am all swirly over John when in reality there is nothing I can do.  He is no longer my problem.  His health is no longer my problem.  His financial issues are no longer my problem.  Absolutely nothing that he does is my problem and I need to let go and let whatever happens happens.  Maybe

Tarot Blog Hop: Musical Guidance from the Cards

For this Blog Hop, our wrangler Jay Cassels, to “Unleash your inner Gleek and stand on the balcony and sing for forgiveness as you explore your relationship with Tarot and Music.”



I decided the best way to unleash my Inner Gleek was to go to the cards and pull out the cards that reminded me of songs, arrange them into a journey of sorts, and ask the cards for guidance on each of the songs. I used the standard RWS deck as my guide for each question and the Golden Rider for guidance.


One of the most interesting things about this exercise was that for three of the songs, the song I was originally thinking of for each card turned out not to be the song that inspired my readings, the original song was simply a stepping stone to the song that had meaning and that I was meant to read on. As I googled lyrics, the songs that were meant to inspire me found their way onto my screen. I’ve included both the song I ended up reading on and the original song I’d chosen.



The Fool: Leap of Faith (Lionel Cartwright)

Original Song: Can’t Stop Believing (Journey)
Question: How can I take a leap of faith?

The dashing Knight of Cups tells me that the time for protecting my heart is over. I need to open my heart and wear it on my sleeve. I need to be open to love and to the warmth it brings to me. I also need to be open to love coming in unexpected ways and through unexpected channels. The Knight of Cups also tells me that I might need to think about taking a quest to find the love I want instead of quietly waiting for it to come to me.

The Seven of Wands tells me to believe in myself and what I want out of life. This is not the time to slink of quietly into the night. It is the time to stand firm and believe that what I want will come to me. This is not a card about physical aggression or about looking for a fight, instead it is a card about believing in myself and knowing that I am worthy.

The Hermit tells me that all the knowledge I need is within my own soul.  I need to take time for myself and take time to listen to the wisdom of my heart.  I need to calm the chatter and to trust that my heart is wise and right.  I also need to be a beacon of hope for others in how I live my life.  However, this is not telling me to go out and seek students or actively live my life for others.  It is simply telling me that the way I live my life will inspire others.

All told, this was very good advice on how to take a leap of faith and trust that the universe will catch me.  I think the thing that we sometimes forget is that taking a leap of faith doesn’t mean going into the wilderness unprepared, it means taking time to prepare and when you are ready taking a leap of faith.



Three of Hearts:  When the Broken Hearted Love Again (Danielle Bollinger)
Original Song:  You Give Love a Bad Name
Question:  How do I love Again?

The Ace of Wands lights the way to new love and reminds me that I am a child of divinity who is creative and inventive.  The Ace is telling me to focus on my own creativity and not worry too much about love.  I have set my intentions and prepared for the journey and done everything I could before taking the leap of faith.  Now I just need to live my life and know that good things will come to me.

The next two cards, the ten and nine of swords, would seem to be negative cards in this reading, but I’m realizing that they are not.  The Ten of Swords is telling me that my heart has been broken and that there will be no pain that will be worth than what I have endured.  I have survived this pain and I will survive any thing else that comes my way.  The Ten of Swords is also a reminder not to be a martyr, but to get up and be a survivor.  And the nightmare card, the Nine of Swords, says it is my own fears keeping me from loving again and not anything concrete.  The Nine is also reminding me that there is a certain element of faith to anything that happens in this world and that I need to let go and quit beating myself up.




Six of Swords:  Come Sail Away (Styx)

Original Song:  Leaving on a Jet Plane

Question:  What am I sailing toward?


The World tells me I’m sailing toward my own self completion and being content within my own skin.  I’m sailing toward liberation and letting go of the past.  This is critical for me right now as I’m coming out of a period of letting go of old lessons and hold hurts.  The World is a reminder that I am good enough and that I am complete and whole into myself.


The Queen of Pentacles is a reminder that I am loved and that the universe contains all that I need.  Even though my own mother did not provide me with the firm foundation I needed, the Queen of Pentacles and the Goddess herself will provide for me.  They will nurture me and love me and provide for my needs.  The Queen of Pentacles is all about security and about knowing that there are people in my life who are there for me.


The Knight of Pentacles tells me that I am sailing toward people who will be there and who are trustworthy.  I’m leaving behind people who are flaky and unreliable and moving toward a world with people who care about me and are there for me.  I am sailing toward reliability.


Three of Cups:  Celebrate (Kool and the Gang)

Original Song:   Celebrate (Kool and the Gang)

Question:  What do I have to celebrate in my life?


The Six of Swords tell me that I get to celebrate moving on and leaving my past behind.  I have worked hard to let go of the things and people that are holding me back and that is something I should definitely celebrate.  It has been a lot of hard work, but it is paying off and I am becoming the person I was meant to be.

Although the Seven of Pentacles would seem to be an odd card for a celebration, it is the celebration of the stillness and the ability and willingness to take a pause.  I am a recovering drama addict and even today there are times when my mind would rather be feasting on drama versus stillness.  The Seven of Pentacles reminds me of how far I have come and that I can relish peace and quiet.   Buying a house has really taught me patience as I’ve realized that I do not have the time and money to fix the entire house at once.  I have to be patient and do things as I have time and money.

Life has its ups and downs as the Wheel of Fortune reminds me.  Sometimes life is amazing and wonderful and other times it is not.  The WoF tells me that I should celebrate life in all its glory.  I need to be grateful for all the good things that come into my life.  The WoF also tells me that in the short term, good things are coming my way.


The Sun:  Here Comes the Sun (The Beatles)
Original Song:  Here Comes the Sun (The Beatles)
Question:  What are the lessons of the sun?

The Magician tells me that I have the power to manifest my own destiny.  All the tools that I need are at my finger tips, I just need to choose to utilize them.  The Magician also tells me that I am a channel for power and that I must respect that channel and not take it for granted.

The Eight of Wands is about taking action quickly and not about analysis by paralysis.  The Eight of Wands also tells me there is a possibility of a love connection with someone I know or with someone who is just coming into my life. 

The Three of Cups tells me to celebrate the goodness and wonder in life.  It is time to put aside the worry that is weighing me down and raise a cup to the goodness of life. I deserve to have happiness in my life and I deserve to know that I matter.  I know from experience that even though sometimes it seems that keeping our nose to the grindstone is the right course of action, taking time to celebrate can often feed our souls and make us that much more productive when we do go back to work.

Although I had my doubts when I first read this prompt as to whether or or not I could do it justice, my guides came through for me and guided me to a reading that made sense for me.


Use the links below to navigate to the previous blog, the master list, or the next blog.


Happy Hopping!





















Shadow Work–Day 11

Where do I hesitate in relationships and why?

Dreamer Ten tells me that I hesitate in relationships because I am terrified of getting hurt.  I’m terrified of having my heart ripped out again and I know that I could not handle this hurt again.  Interestingly enough, Ten of Swords came up yesterday in a reading I received yesterday as a reason that I hesitate in relationships and it is a mental block and not a block from my heart.  My brain has convinced me that I am unlovable, that I am not worthy of love, and that everyone out there who might be interested in me will take advantage of me and bleed me dry.  I am projecting all of the hurt from my ex-husband on everyone else.  As long as I continue projecting on everyone else, I will never be able to have a relationship because I will keep everyone at arm’s length.

Dreamer Nine is interesting as I have nightmares about not being loved and being unloved forever, but it is my own fear that is keeping love at bay.  There is no room in my life for love as long as I am haunted by nightmares of being hurt.  I think it is time that I actually addressed the physical and emotional abuse that I received.  For the most part, I’ve dealt with the emotional abuse and am in a place where I would recognize emotional abuse for what it was.  I’ve also gotten so much stronger at setting boundaries and cutting people out of my life.  I would also walk away after the first time someone hit me, but I’m terrified of letting someone close enough for there to be a first time.  My mind has built barriers to opening up and letting people in to protect my body.

Dancer Seven is telling me that I am drowning in these illusions.  I have so bought into my belief that anyone I meet would hurt me that I can’t seem to release this and let it go.  I have built my barricades up so high and I am so convinced that my only alternative is to keep people out.  This is why I am in such a place of fear and it is so difficult for me to actually connect with people and make friends and have relationships.

This was an incredibly powerful and insightful reading and it has identified something I didn’t realize before as I had kind of shrugged off the physical abuse my ex put me through and focused on the emotional abuse, but I’ve realized that my mind has built a lot of barriers to protect myself from this abuse.

Nine of Air

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions:  This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds.  When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that’s what this card makes me think of.  In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her.  This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book:  If you would known, do not fear to see.  Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries.  She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance:  Do not give fears a priority when making a decision.  Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today.  Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the “I’m fired” path.  That makes no sense at all because I’ve been billable and we’re gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went.  I’m learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do.  I’m so mean to myself even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am.  I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

  • Stop what I’m doing and breathe
  • Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
  • Roll with the situation and see what comes of it
December 28, 2017
I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that’s something easy I can remember.  I’ve come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I’m not there yet.  The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I’ve felt.  Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can’t react or I won’t have a job.  It’s one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.  
However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I’m no longer in an abusive relationship.  It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault.  I’m learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.
My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way.  It is all a process and the best thing is that I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

Daily Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Crossing her arms to protect her heart, troubled by big problems

Guidance:  Reach out and get the comfort and wisdom you need, allow someone to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

I need to hear this reading about asking for help.  I don’t do such a god job of asking for help.  I tend to hold things in and not let other people in.  The only time I ever truly let people in was right after my divorce and I was so shattered and broken.  The pain was so tremendous that I could not contain it.  I spewed because this pain was horrible.  However, as I’ve healed, I’ve receded into myself.  I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. 

I’m not a recluse and it is not as if I’ve been hiding in a hovel and never venturing out.  I go out and I interact, but I’m standoffish and not thrilled about doing the work it takes to know people.

November 25, 2017

I need to make some time for me.  I am so caught in in Cam that I’m not taking care of me.  I need to step back from her and trust she is in the Goddess’ hand.  I need to let go of my need to hold on so tight.  If I don’t make time to take care of me, I will end up angry and resentful.  I also need to let go and trust.

November 9, 2018

It’s so interesting that this theme of vulnerability has been coming up again and again.  I need to start trusting people and letting them in.  I think knowing that I can be fierce will help me to be vulnerable and to let people in.  This year is going to be all about exploring vulnerability and being more open with other people.  I’m really scared about this, but I know it is something that I really need to do.

Daily Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions:  Nightmares

Book:  Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance:  Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people.  I reached out to the UU’s stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me.  Not one of the people reached out to say, “Hope your daughter is okay.”  Instead they just harassed me and were rude.  Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way.  What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt?  I would have said I’m sorry and asked what I could do.  However, not one of those bitches did that.  I don’t want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it.  It isn’t that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I’m getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true.  My daughter was abducted and assaulted.  There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead.  Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.