Nine of Pentacles – Cairn by Cairn

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Nine of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Reversed this card gives a sense of loss, a sense of losing what’s important, and of losing footing. It could also mean a loss of independence or prosperity. I do love how colorful this card is and the butterflies truly give it a sense of freedom

Book: Intolerance for emotional messiness, lack of discipline, frustration from unmet goals

Guidance: Get comfortable with imperfection

Journaling

This is a hard cared for me to read today. I’m not sure if it is about goals or finances. Part of what I have to figure out is why L. is bugging me so much. I don’t think it is about her as it is about what she represents. She uses people without giving back and that bothers me a lot. It makes me think of John as he used me and contributed nothing. It was always all about his wants and his needs and never about mutual wants and needs. That made it difficult to have a real marriage. There was also a huge power and income disparity.

I have to be with someone in my own income bracket as I can’t be with someone who makes a lot more or less as that doesn’t work for me. Those relationships just have too many issues. I don’t want to be the less powerful person because I refuse to be a kept woman, but I also don’t want to be the keeper as that gets really old.

January 23, 2018

As I continue to grow in my tarot journey, one of the things that strikes me is how many different meanings there could be in a card. I know the 9 of pentacles is usually read as a self made woman, but I wonder if another meaning could be someone who is in a gilded cage. Someone who has everything they want, except for freedom. In some ways, I really feel like that’s where I’m at lately because I have everything I want, but I sometimes feel so trapped and as if it would be wonderful to just walk away from it all. The nine of pentacles reversed could be about escaping from the gilded cage.

Daily Draw: Nine of Pentacles

First Impressions: Independence, standing on my own two feet, leading my own life

Book: Pinnacle of self won achievement, material abundance and grace to appreciate it, love of plenty, disciplined, solitary enjoyment of good things in life

Guidance: Focus on team work, appreciate what you have, let others in

Journaling:

This card is about me and reflects so much of where I am. I do have material things, but I’m also lonely. This is where my heart is as I do appreciate the nice things in my life, but I really want someone to share my life with. Having nice things is not very meaningful if there is no one to share them with. I’m fortunate to have the kids, but it’s not the same.

May 25, 2018

I realize that this is supposed to be a positive card, but I always get the impression of a woman in a gilded cage when I look at this card. She has all of these wonderful things, but she is in a walled garden that appears to not have a gate. I don’t want to live in a walled facility even if I am surrounded by wonderful things.

I want a gate in my wall so that I can go out in the world and experience it and so that someone loving and kind can come in and be part of my life. I’m realizing as I mature that I love my solitude and that is not a bad thing. John and I had such a sick codependent relationship that being alone was not something I did well. I’m realizing that a big part of the reason that I loved to travel for work because I liked having my alone time. I could be myself and read, pray, and do the things that mattered to me instead of constantly catering to his whims.

He made it impossible to have time for myself because every time I started doing something that I really enjoyed, he would sabotage it. He sabotaged graduate school, he sabotaged water aerobics, he sabotaged jobs. He was so insecure that he could not stand it if I was better than him at anything.

That’s a big part of the reason that I’m afraid to put myself out there and meet someone else. I’m really afraid of being in another relationship where I lose myself.

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Nine of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The woman is talking to her bird, she is in a gated garden, and there is a castle in the distance. Reversed, this card speaks to me of failure and loss.

Book: Feeling alone, neglecting relationships, empty inside, losing your way, lack of satisfaction

Guidance: Re-prioritize, set better boundaries

December 23, 2017

Another day where I didn’t journal. It’s odd looking at this card now as instead of seeing a woman who has done well for herself, I see a woman in a gilded cage. It makes me wonder if she has achieved success on her own or if she is a trophy wife who has been put in a gilded cage. It’s also possible that she has created a gilded cage of her own creation.

There are days when I feel as if I’ve created my own gilded cage as I live in a nice house, but I sometimes feel trapped working to support the house instead of creating joy. I don’t have an instant answer for this, but I am committing myself to digging my way out of debt.