Nine – Cairn by Cairn

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First Impressions: Waiting, battle weary, fortress

Book: Ready to face opponents, resting before returning to fighting, determination, courage, strength through adversity

Guidance: Time to rest and collect your thoughts, success is the only possible outcome

Journaling

One of the messages I need to take from this is that I need to pick my battles. Not every battle is worth fighting! Wow! That was pretty prophetic as someone online really pissed me off by posting a long interpretation about a post I’d made. I wasn’t looking for any interpretation, I was just putting my thoughts out there, but this moron proceeded to give me his interpretation. I then thanked everyone but him for their comments and he got pissy and said I won’t reply to your stuff anymore. I really wanted to reply and say, “Good!” However, that would have been petty. I’m just going to let it go and not disrupt the peace of the board. I’m not sure why some jackass felt the need to post and interpret my cards, but I don’t need his response and if I could delete it, I would. Not responding is such a difficult thing to do. I love to have the last word, but some people aren’t worth it and he wasn’t worth it.

December 29, 2018

In retrospect, maybe it would have been worth it to post and remind him that I didn’t not ask for comments and that I was perfectly capable of interpreting my cards myself. One of the things that I have learned this year is that I need to start evaluating whether I am not speaking up and defending myself because I want to keep the peace or because I am afraid of conflict. My response to the jackass in Chicago who commented on my body made me feel so empowered!

I know that in the past, I would have pulled my coat tighter and scurried off like a little mouse because I was afraid. I would have been seething and angry inside, but I would have been a) afraid to provoke him, b) afraid to hurt his feelings, and c) afraid of what people would think of me. All of those are totally bullshit responses. My mother conditioned me to put everyone else’s feelings ahead of mine and I would have done that even with this worthless piece of rude shit. However, no more. His feelings were not more important than mine. He was a worthless piece of shit with no manners and my speaking out was the right thing to do. Even if he thought I was a bitch, that didn’t matter. What mattered is how empowered that I felt.

Nine of Air

Nine of Air
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: This card strikes fear in my heart as it shows my nightmare of being continually picked at by birds. When I am totally overwhelmed, it feels as if birds are picking me apart and that’s what this card makes me think of. In reality, the birds are not attacking her, but rather accompanying her. This card is very much a card of fear and nightmares.

Book: If you would known, do not fear to see. Banshee wails and chills hearts with her cries. She brings the prophecy of doom with her wailing. With her cries she sees the world beyond.

Guidance: Do not give fears a priority when making a decision. Acknowledge the pain and fear you are facing, but do not let it overwhelm you.

Journaling:

What a perfect card to pull today. Yesterday, I got an invite to a meeting with Darshan so I, of course, start freaking out and my mind started down the “I’m fired” path. That makes no sense at all because I’ve been billable and we’re gaining traction on OCM, but that was the first place my mind went. I’m learning to redirect and talk myself off the ledge, but it still takes work sometimes.

That is the part of the beating myself up mindset that I do. I’m so mean to myself even when I’ve done nothing wrong, I beat myself up and tell myself how stupid I am. I need to learn to Stop, Drop, and Roll with my emotions:

Stop what I’m doing and breathe
Drop the feelings that are causing me pain
Roll with the situation and see what comes of it

December 28, 2017

I love the Stop, Drop, and Roll and that’s something easy I can remember. I’ve come so far over the past few years in emotional health, but I know I’m not there yet. The first steps were about emotional control and learning not to wear my heart on my sleeve and not to react to every emotion I’ve felt. Being a consultant has helped a lot with that as I know that I can’t react or I won’t have a job. It’s one thing to have meltdowns with people who know you well, but quite another to have meltdowns in front of clients.

However, I know a big part of the reason I have better emotional control now is that I’m no longer in an abusive relationship. It was really hard to be emotionally stable when I came home and got yelled at for stupid stuff or when everything that went wrong was my fault. I’m learning to be kind to myself and see that there were forces outside of myself that contributed to my lack of emotional control.

My current phase of emotional healing is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the fear, anger, etc., and recognizing those feelings as valid and talking to myself about why I feel that way and seeing if I can change my mindset to see things a different way. It is all a process and the best thing is that I don’t have to have all the answers right now.

Messages from the Tarot: She who Watches

She who watches came to me last night in the form of the nine of air from the Gaian Tarot. I’ve endured a long month of depression starting on my birthday, November 6th, and continuing through my NameDay (i.e. the anniversary of the day I legally changed my name).

It’s always a time of darkness as memories of my estranged mother, my departed father (died November 28, 2008), my now ex’s heart attack (December 6, 2009), and my imploded marriage (Married November 19, 1988) haunt my body and soul. In years passed, I’ve berated myself for letting what were just days on the calendar affect my well being, but this year I’ve leaned into the pain. I’ve acknowledged the grief and sorrow these events have brought and I’ve chosen to cocoon myself and grieve.

The darkness was deeper than I’d anticipated and there were days when all I wanted to do was to cry. However, I got up each morning and did what needed to be done and reminded myself that I’ve been through dark times before and they had passed. I made myself pull my daily tarot card even though there were days when even that felt like too much effort.

The worst part of the darkness was feeling disconnected and as if my beloved goddesses had abandoned me. I cried out for strength, for compassion, for love, and it felt as if I was met with silence each time I cried out in pain. All my normal ways of connecting were not working.

Finally, yesterday, I woke and it felt as if the clouds were breaking and maybe, just maybe, things really would be okay. I reminded myself that on December 7, 2011 I had chosen to legally change my name to Raine (Queen) Clara (Saint) Shakti (Goddess) and that maybe I did have the strength and courage to pull out of this tailspin.

Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot

Last night the guidance finally came to me. I was laying in bed thinking about my pain and imagining a bleak future, which naturally lead me to think about the nine of swords. However, the nine of swords was replaced with the nine of air from Joanna Powell Colbert’s Gaian tarot and as I imagined myself the woman in the image, I heard She Who Watches tell me to just let go. To let go of the pole I was holding on to, to let go of the pain I was holding, to let go of the nightmares.

Letting go was hard, but as I let go, I found myself flying over the Seeker’s Valley. I was flying and seeing my life from the vantage point of an eagle rising above the strife and pain. I was free from all of it. As I flew, the valley became more colorful and psychedelic and I realized that I had to change my perception and let go of viewing the world as painful and ordinary. I was also shown that all the twists and turns I’d gone through in my life were leading me somewhere and that I was being taken care of and held.

She Who Watches said she was always there for me and was watching and protecting me. She also reminded me that I had the strength to persevere.

Hag of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot

I awoke this morning feeling more calm and hopeful than I’ve felt in the last month and when I logged on to Facebook, what did I see? Someone had posted the Hag of Earth (She Who Watches) from Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s Dark Goddess Tarot. And I felt loved and I knew my beloved Goddesses were still with me.

I’ve pulled both She Who Watches images from their respective tarot decks and they are sitting on my altar to remind me that she is always with me.

Update: December 21, 2017

I was cleaning my meditation room and a deck of tarot cards spilled. The card that jumped out was the Five of Discs which was a beautiful image of She Who Watches from the Triumph of Life Tarot deck.

Daily Draw: Nine of Cups

First Impressions: Friendship

Book: Saluting comfort, abundance, and good fortune, fortune that is of good cheer, you have achieved a place of comfortable abundance

Guidance: Be aware of the energy of the hermit to the extreme, share what you have with graciousness

Journaling

Interesting read on this card. I love the reminder to not be the hermit as that is my preference. I love to hide away and have my alone time. I recharge when I am alone. I need to find my balance between alone time and not shutting people out. I don’t know yet where that balance is. Part of it is that I have to be so on at work that being on at home is a daunting thought. My daughter calls it emotional labor and she’s right. I also know that in some ways it is harder than psychical labor.

November 20, 2017

I really need to work to cultivate balance in my life. It is way too easy for me to stay in my little hermit mode and stay isolated. I need to work harder to get out of myself as it is way too easy to stay in my little hermit shell and stay isolated. However, the flip side is do I need to meet people, is there anything wrong with being solitary?

October 30, 2018

I think I’m doing much better at this because I am finally at a place where I’ve realized that it is okay to be a hermit and it is okay to be myself. There is nothing shameful about not wanting to be around people 24/7. John ridiculed me and made fun of me if I did not want to constantly be around people. I think he uses people to hide from himself whereas I used to using my alone time to hide from people. I think I’m finally at a point where I am finding balance.

It really helps knowing that how much or how little I socialize is purely my choice and is not anyone else’s. That helps me to feel a lot better and it honestly makes it easier to socialize with others. I also am realizing that I do need people in my life, but I need to control the dosage and the method of delivery. I want to have people I can talk to about real issues and not just have a group of people who are drinking buddies. I think I’m starting to make progress on this front. It’s hard, but I’m getting there.

Daily Draw: Nine of Swords

First Impressions: Nightmares

Book: Troubled by a larger problem, alone and closed out

Guidance: Reach out and get comfort, be aware of isolation and let someone in to guide and comfort you

Journaling:

It is hard for me right now for me and I find myself continually disappointed by people. I reached out to the UU’s stupid Laughter in Our Lives group and they disappointed me. Not one of the people reached out to say, “Hope your daughter is okay.” Instead they just harassed me and were rude. Forget them, I do not need that kind of BS in my life.

November 20, 2017

I have to look at things realistically and in a balanced way. What would I have done if an acquaintance had said her daughter was hurt? I would have said I’m sorry and asked what I could do. However, not one of those bitches did that. I don’t want to be associated with people like that and if that is the level of support the church provides, then forget it. It isn’t that I need everyone fawning all over me, but an acknowledgement would have been nice.

October 26, 2018

I’m getting chills realizing that I pulled the nightmare card on the day one of my worst nightmares came true. My daughter was abducted and assaulted. There was a period of an hour or so where we did not know where she was and I was terrified that she was dead. Fortunately, we got to her and even though she is struggling, she is still alive and is still being the amazing fighter that she is.

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Nine of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Reversed this card gives a sense of loss, a sense of losing what’s important, and of losing footing. It could also mean a loss of independence or prosperity. I do love how colorful this card is and the butterflies truly give it a sense of freedom

Book: Intolerance for emotional messiness, lack of discipline, frustration from unmet goals

Guidance: Get comfortable with imperfection

Journaling

This is a hard cared for me to read today. I’m not sure if it is about goals or finances. Part of what I have to figure out is why L. is bugging me so much. I don’t think it is about her as it is about what she represents. She uses people without giving back and that bothers me a lot. It makes me think of John as he used me and contributed nothing. It was always all about his wants and his needs and never about mutual wants and needs. That made it difficult to have a real marriage. There was also a huge power and income disparity.

I have to be with someone in my own income bracket as I can’t be with someone who makes a lot more or less as that doesn’t work for me. Those relationships just have too many issues. I don’t want to be the less powerful person because I refuse to be a kept woman, but I also don’t want to be the keeper as that gets really old.

January 23, 2018

As I continue to grow in my tarot journey, one of the things that strikes me is how many different meanings there could be in a card. I know the 9 of pentacles is usually read as a self made woman, but I wonder if another meaning could be someone who is in a gilded cage. Someone who has everything they want, except for freedom. In some ways, I really feel like that’s where I’m at lately because I have everything I want, but I sometimes feel so trapped and as if it would be wonderful to just walk away from it all. The nine of pentacles reversed could be about escaping from the gilded cage.

Daily Draw: Nine of Wands

First impressions: Contemplation

Book: Full of fire and ready to fight another day, refusing to ask others for help, resistance to change

Guidance: Ask for help, be open to change

Journaling

This card is about the hard won courage that comes from sticking to our guns when it would be so easy to give in and give up. I have to be honest and say I feel that way today. After my mother’s guilt trip yesterday, it would be so easy to give in and play the good daughter. But I can’t go back to having her question everything I do, especially as she isn’t even mature enough to accept that she’s doing it. I need people who are loving and supportive in my life, not people who constantly tear me down. However, part of me says I should just let go and accept who she is.

September 1, 2018

What I know now after a lot of introspection, a lot of journaling, and a lot of hard conversations with myself is that accepting who she is and keeping her out of my life are not mutually exclusive. She is not good for me and having her in my life is detrimental to my mental health. However, I have also had to accept that I need to let go of her and not think that she will be the person I need her to be in my life because she is incapable of that. She doesn’t have the self awareness or the skills to be the loving, kind, and nonjudgmental person that I need in my life. And it is okay for me to not have her in my life as an act of self preservation.

Daily Draw: Nine of Pentacles

First Impressions: Independence, standing on my own two feet, leading my own life

Book: Pinnacle of self won achievement, material abundance and grace to appreciate it, love of plenty, disciplined, solitary enjoyment of good things in life

Guidance: Focus on team work, appreciate what you have, let others in

Journaling:

This card is about me and reflects so much of where I am. I do have material things, but I’m also lonely. This is where my heart is as I do appreciate the nice things in my life, but I really want someone to share my life with. Having nice things is not very meaningful if there is no one to share them with. I’m fortunate to have the kids, but it’s not the same.

May 25, 2018

I realize that this is supposed to be a positive card, but I always get the impression of a woman in a gilded cage when I look at this card. She has all of these wonderful things, but she is in a walled garden that appears to not have a gate. I don’t want to live in a walled facility even if I am surrounded by wonderful things.

I want a gate in my wall so that I can go out in the world and experience it and so that someone loving and kind can come in and be part of my life. I’m realizing as I mature that I love my solitude and that is not a bad thing. John and I had such a sick codependent relationship that being alone was not something I did well. I’m realizing that a big part of the reason that I loved to travel for work because I liked having my alone time. I could be myself and read, pray, and do the things that mattered to me instead of constantly catering to his whims.

He made it impossible to have time for myself because every time I started doing something that I really enjoyed, he would sabotage it. He sabotaged graduate school, he sabotaged water aerobics, he sabotaged jobs. He was so insecure that he could not stand it if I was better than him at anything.

That’s a big part of the reason that I’m afraid to put myself out there and meet someone else. I’m really afraid of being in another relationship where I lose myself.

Nine of Cups

Nine of Cups
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: This card shows a bartender all ready for guests, but there is no one there to drink with him. He looks happy and welcoming. He also has a peacock feather in his vest, which is interesting as peacock feathers are symbols of good luck in the east and bad luck in the west. The nine of cups always strikes me as a card of friendship and good times.

Book: Realizing a long held dream, period of emotional contentment. It’s possible someone may be missing from your life.

Guidance: Appreciate what you have

Journaling:

The words that struck me as I read this is that there is probably someone missing from your life. This last week has really been about missing my mom, but I don’t know how to reconnect. The rules I choose to live by (treating people with respect, setting boundaries, and not giving unsolicited advice) are ones that make sense to me and I surround myself with people who treat me like I want to be treated. I have no clue how to set boundaries with her because she won’t respect them. She will be hurt and see boundaries as a rejection. Maybe I just need to think it over and then be willing to listen.

December 23, 2017

It really hurt to read what I wrote over a year ago and realize that I’m still feeling like an orphan and motherless. It hurts to not have someone who loves me unconditionally and who will listen to me when I cry and support me. I never have had that in my life as my entire childhood growing up I always had to be careful what I said so I didn’t set her off. I could never be honest about what was going on in my life because I would either be judged or get a lecture. There is no one from my childhood who could just flipping listen and support without being judgemental.

What especially ticked me off is how people would give advice even when I didn’t ask for it. My Uncle Gene had to advise me how to spend my money and that flying lessons were a waste even though I didn’t ask for his advice. And the first thing my mother said when she walked in to my new house was, “Why’d you put that picture there? I would have put it there.” How flipping rude and insulting is that? The house was clean and looked really nice, but she had to find fault. I can’t do that any more in my life.

It is one thing if someone is endangering themselves or others, but if they are making judgments that are different than mine, it is not my place to give advice. And I would never walk in to someone’s house and critique their decorating. That is just rude.

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Nine of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The woman is talking to her bird, she is in a gated garden, and there is a castle in the distance. Reversed, this card speaks to me of failure and loss.

Book: Feeling alone, neglecting relationships, empty inside, losing your way, lack of satisfaction

Guidance: Re-prioritize, set better boundaries

December 23, 2017

Another day where I didn’t journal. It’s odd looking at this card now as instead of seeing a woman who has done well for herself, I see a woman in a gilded cage. It makes me wonder if she has achieved success on her own or if she is a trophy wife who has been put in a gilded cage. It’s also possible that she has created a gilded cage of her own creation.

There are days when I feel as if I’ve created my own gilded cage as I live in a nice house, but I sometimes feel trapped working to support the house instead of creating joy. I don’t have an instant answer for this, but I am committing myself to digging my way out of debt.