Mother – Cairn by Cairn

King of Swords
Hanson Roberts

First Impressions: I love how his sword is personalized with a purple embellishment. He looks so resolute and ready to defend his land. I also like the eagle on the standard behind him, which is echoed by the clasp of his cloak. He looks to be middle aged, old enough to have wisdom but young enough to still do battle. The king of swords is decisive and clear-headed.

Book: Intellectual, decisive, discriminating, inability to be swayed by emotions, tendency to be too rigid.

Guidance: Make decisions by facing the facts

Journaling:

Odd that I pulled this card today as more than anything I was called to be kind and compassionate and not all about the facts. April opened up to me about her life growing up and what’s going on in her life now. It opened my eyes to what it must have been like to be my mother.

When I take a step back and take out the emotion of how I feel about her and about how she treated me, I am amazed that she turned out as normal as she was. It doesn’t mean I like everything she did or that everything she did was okay, but maybe if I dig down I can find a little more compassion for her.

December 23, 2017

Over a year later and there are still days when I am conflicted by my relationship with my mother. I know that I made the right choice for myself and my kids because I have peace and self esteem in a way that I never did before. I like myself and I have learned to value myself and do the right things for me. There was no way that I could do that when I was still talking to her on a regular basis.

In my heart of hearts, I want for her the peace that I have found in valuing myself and taking care of myself. However, I also know that that is not something that I can give her. That’s something she has to want and to work for herself. However, I can pray for her to find peace in her life.

Knight of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions: The horns on his helmet tie him to earth bound animals like stags and he stands in front of a plowed field which also ties him to the element of earth. Interestingly, his cloak looks like it is made of feathers. Overall, this knight looks to be strong and and driven.

Book: Methodical, rational, stable, kind and gentle, slow and steady, sensuous and passionate

Guidance: Be patient and methodical

Journaling:

As I was reading this, it struck me as sounding like it was about someone I know, but this reading was not about him and is about me. One of the biggest lessons I’m learning right now is that I need to make my life about me and not about other people. It is all too easy to get caught up in the swirliness and make it about other people. My life matters and it is not just about other people.

I feel like I’m drowning in emotions right now and I’m getting a chest cold, which means I am feeling some grief about something or other. I’m feeling wave after wave of sadness and I feel as if I still have mourning to do, but I am afraid to feel those emotions because I don’t know if I have what it takes to pull myself out of that dark place again. My heart hurts and I don’t know why. I do know that grief is not linear and that there is no time table for grief, but that doesn’t make it any easier when I feel these emotions. However, I have learned over the past few years that they are emotions and they cannot hurt me.

My reaction to an email is just that an emotion. Even though I feel exposed, it is just an emotion. I am fine. I am grounded in reality and I am fine. I need to pull some cards tonight about my mom and try to make sense of that situation. Part of me feels that I am vilifying her because I can’t vilify my dad. I feel like an orphan today. Even though I know there are people in my life who love me, I feel like a lost child.

December 23, 2017

Wow! This was immensely powerful and shows so much growth. This is the reason I think it is important to review and keep my journals because they do let me see how much I’ve grown and changed. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned recently is that it is okay to talk myself off the ledge. I used to think that my emotions were sacrosanct and that I had no right to interfere with them. If I was feeling depressed or cranky or angry or sad, I just had to let the emotion run its course. However, recently I’ve learned that it is okay to to talk myself off the ledge. It is okay to virtually give that lost child a hug and help her through it. I do not have to let the emotions rule my life. That is so powerful and intense.