Category: lovers

Tarot Blog Hop: Don’t Fence Me In

The theme of this Blog Hop was taken from the title of the old Gene Autry song “Don’t Fence Me In.”  While our wrangler, Joy Vernon,  gave us some suggestions for how to approach this prompt, she also gave us permission to let the prompt inspire us and take us wherever it would take us.  This is one of those prompts that has been bubbling in the background since I first read it and I wasn’t exactly sure where it would take me.

It ended up taking me back to my roots in DeKalb, IL, which is the home of barbed wire (there’s a museum and everything).  I knew that somehow I wanted to incorporate barbed wire into my prompt and also the theme of breaking free from the things that keep us fenced in.  When I sat down in front of my computer to put together a layout, it all came together into the Don’t Fence Me In Spread below.

The deck I chose to use for this reading was Leeza Robertson’s Animal Totem Tarot because animals should be free and not fenced in and because animals are much better at not overthinking things that we are.  I also love this deck because it is a reminder that the deep lessons do not always come cloaked in darkness, sometimes they come through loud and clear from playful and happy decks.

The swan lovers tells me that it is my own lack of self worth and self love that is keeping me fenced in, especially where love is concerned.  I do not believe I am beautiful enough or sexy enough for love.  Leeza Robertson says, “During this phase of outer evolution the swan must trust that there is nothing missing it its life and that who it is, is perfect by natural design, regardless of the outer reflection others see.  This element of inner beauty and 
inner wholeness is crucial to the power of the Lovers card.”  This is powerful stuff indeed and tells me that it is not truly something physical keeping me fenced in, but my own beliefs about my physicality.

The dragonflies on the seven of cups tell me that it is my lack of alignment between my emotional wants and my intellectual thoughts that is keeping me caged.  Leeza says, “The Dragonfly connects the energy of the air with the creative power of water, letting you know that thoughts and dreams really can become real.  But first you have to use the energy of the Dragonfly to align your emotions with your thoughts.”  All I can say about this is WOW! because when I am really honest with myself, I can see that this is true.  Emotionally, I want to find the love of my life, but when I think about the reality of marriage, living together, etc., I find myself not wanting to share my house, my bank account, etc. with someone else.  I really like my independence and having a relationship would cut into that to a certain extent.  I think the truth of the matter is that I need to let the relationship that is right to me come to me and not get all caught up in the restrictions.

 The pigeon is telling me that sometimes we need to accept that we are down and bloody and that staying in the same situation will just result in people continuing to drive swords into us.  Sometimes, we have to cut our losses and  move on.  Leeza says, “Your supply has run dry and it’s time for you to face it and move on.  Staying where you currently are is only going to bring you more misery.” This is an interesting read on the ten of swords and it makes me wonder what emotional place I’m supposed to move on from.  My best interpretation would be that it is time for me to move on and let go of the pain of the past.  I need to stop being a victim and stop expecting that people who have never given me validation in the past are going to suddenly start validating me.  That is not going to happen and I need to let go of that need.  Part of me is staying small because that is what they expect of me and moving out of my little fenced in area will make it that much harder to reconcile with them.

There are multiple ways I could read this card.  The first is that this represents where I am right now as literally two days ago I decided I would start each day by meditating outside in the morning to receive the sun.  I would actively make time to open myself up to receive.  However, the lesson of the lemur may be that I need to balance my receiving with pulling back.  Leeza says, “Sun literally transforms the energy of those things in its presence so they can be luminous.  But the sun can also burn, kill, and destroy, for it is nothing more than a contained ball of fire, spewing its energy throughout our galaxy.  Lucky for you, the Lemur is here to teach you how to deal with this unpredictable force.”  I read this as telling me that I need to be cautious about going from all the way closed to all the way open or I will get burned.  My other, and immediate, interpretation of this card is that I need to start sharing spirituality with others instead of always making it a solitary endeavor.  I guess the reality is that both of these are valuable lessons for me.

The message here is that I need to actually pick a destination and not let the tides decide where I want to go.  The message of Stingray is, “Gracefully I make my way through the sea.  Far and wide, near and far, but always with a destination in mind.”   This is a powerful message for me because while my life looks successful on the outside, I haven’t fully committed to what I want and taken steps to go after it.  There is a part of me that is afraid that if I do commit 100 percent to what (who) my heart desires and I don’t get what I want I will be devastated.  Stingray is telling me that I need to commit and that while I may get blown off course, I will know that I have committed.

Being uncaged and free means that I and I alone am responsible for my actions.  Being uncaged means that I have to take responsibility for myself and can no longer play the victim.  I have to grow up and work with people to find a solution that works for everyone versus having my own way all the time.  Crane tells me that “Balance is not just about being even.  Balance is about finding the middle path or making it back to one’s own center.  In order to find true balance, one must make sure that one’s center is not corrupt or contaminated by the ego.”  Letting go of ego is difficult because it means I have to find balance within myself and balance in the larger world and sometimes those things seem impossible.

This card for me is about being comfortable in my own skin and accepting myself as I am.  It’s not about watching my weight or torturing myself into anyone else’s idea of what a woman’s perfect body should look like.  It is about loving myself and my body just the way I am.  It is about accepting I will never be a size six and reminding myself that anyone who cannot accept me just the way I am can just go F* themselves.  That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be healthy and take care of my body, but it means loving myself just the way I am.  Although the book meaning for this card is all about intellectual appetites and consuming a lot of information before making a decision, Leeza does have this to say, “The great Panda likes to eat–a lot!  In fact, it spends most of its life eating.  You don’t get that cuddly by restricting your calories.” 

The simple answer to this is to play like children play and to let myself be free to trust other people and myself.  The message of Otter is, “Everything we experience i this physical form is part of a game we call life.  yes, the biggest play of all is the life you came here to live.  But you didn’t come here to play alone, as this particular game is not a one player game.  You came here to play with others.  Playing with others is not only good fun, but it’s what the soul came here to do.”   This is a powerful reminder that I need to get out there and start making friends and start making time to play.
This was an amazingly powerful and deep reading as it reinforced some new behaviors that I’m working on, like meditating in the sun and making time for others, and gave me so new things to think about.
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Ritual to Honor My Father

My father died the day after Thanksgiving in 2008.  I’d known it was coming as he had lung cancer that had metastasized through his body.  I was living 200 miles away and traveling even farther away for work every single week.  I made the trek to visit him as often as I could, but it never felt like enough.  I knew the end was coming when I visited him and he was a shell of the robust, loving man who had raised me.  This was also the start of a devastating period of changes in which I could only react and had no time to mourn.

The call that he was gone was devastating, but not shocking as I knew the call would be coming sooner rather than later.  However, there was no time for my own sadness as I had to drive the 200 miles through teary eyes to help my mother deal with her grief as she’d lost her mother less than a week before.  I had to become the supportive daughter and not allow myself to be the grieving child.

I was strong for my mother, I was strong for my children, and I was strong for my now ex-husband.  I was the one who provided the shoulder to cry on, who prevented my mother from buying a junky used car the day after my daddy died, and I was the one who gave the eulogy at my father’s funeral.  I was also the one in the year after my daddy’s death that counseled my mother, loaned her the money to bury my father, and was there for everyone else.  I never let myself mourn because there was no time.

Fast forward a little over a year and I got another call that rocked my world, my husband had had a massive coranary and I needed to be at the hospital immediately.  Once again, I was the one who dealt with the details. shored everyone up and never let anyone see my tears.  I sat by his side, cheered him up, bathed him, and did whatever else needed to be done. 

My payment for the days spent by his side was his pronouncement four months after his heart attack was that he wanted a divorce.  I was hurt, I was angry, I fell apart, but all too soon I had to pull myself together and be strong for my kids.  I had to figure out how to keep them in college, get them settled in off campus housing, and deal with all the other realities of life.

It was ten years before I finally felt strong enough to mourn my father.  I cried for my loss, I cried for my children’s loss and I started to remember the good as well as the bad.  My family has always done ritual on Halloween and remembered our beloved dead, but I was ready to go deeper and to truly grieve and comfort the lost little girl inside.  Around that time, I came across Lisa de St. Croix’s Ancestor Workshop and it resonated with me. 

I took some time to gather mementos and photos of my father, I meditated on his life and our relationship, and I found the cards that represented both him and me according to Lisa’s advice and I found cards I wanted to use to meditate on.  It was a little weird because my dad’s card was the lovers and that felt really uncomfortable.  I finally pulled the lovers from the Animal Totem Tarot and I used the Hermit from the Druid Craft Tarot for my birth card. 

As I reflected on the cards, the assignment was to write a message to my dad from the Hermit’s perspective and to me from my dad from the Lover’s perspective.

The Message from Me From My Dad

You are too much of a hermit and you withdraw too much.  You need to let people in.  People will disappoint you, but they will also bring you great joy.  Love is a choice!  Choose to open your heart and let people in.  You deserve Love!  Choose it.

My response as the Hermit

The world is too painful of a place to open my heart.  I’m much more comfortable in my own company.  Choosing love is scary.  However, I know I’ve already chosen love with my kids.  Loving Cam and Sean brings pure joy along with the heartache and I remember that, I remember love is worth it.

Interestingly enough, since I did this ritual, I have been seeing and finding turtles everywhere.  Turtle was my dad’s nickname and when I find those turtles, I’m reminded that he is looking out for me and that love never truly dies.