Category: Knight

Daily Draw: Knight of Swords

First Impressions:  Rushing into battle, defending someone’s honor

Book: Chivalrous tasks, passionate warrior who tries to conquer all that is wrong in the world

Guidance:  Do what you believe is right, be careful not to rush in too quickly, some people are idiots

Journaling

This card an mean so many things.  It can mean rushing into battle without a plan, it can mean leaving doubt behind.  For me it means letting go of fear and moving ahead.  There will always be things and people that pull us back, but sometimes we need to move forward despite these doubts.  We need to test the wisdom of our soul instead of trusting other people.  I’m not always so good at this and often get all wound up about what other people think.  I need to let go of that and live my life for me instead of for others.

December 27, 2018

Interesting reading on this today.  I do spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about what other people think.  I’ve let go of a lot of it and now it is mostly around financial stability.  However, I don’t think that is an all together bad thing.  I think we need to do the right things to stay employed and I think that we need to respect other people. 

Wow!  As I wrote that, I realized there is a huge difference between respecting other people and worrying about what other people think.  Respecting other people is about being mindful of people’s time, about showing up for meetings on time, about being prepared.  Those are things we should do to stay employed and because we should show respect for others.  The flip side of that is agonizing over every little thing we do and say.  If I am working to do the right things and I am respectful, I need to let go of my worry about people assessing the nuances. 

That’s pretty freeing when you think about it.  I’ve also been doing a lot of meditating on the belief that I owe people explanations or answers to their questions and I’m realizing that I don’t.  I don’t need to explain why I am going back to school.  I don’t need to explain why I moved to Cleveland.  I don’t need to explain any of that to anyone.

First Impressions:  This is a beautiful card and I love the colors.  One of my first impressions is that the knight is riding into battle into the sunset.  Despite being a card of swords and decisiveness, this card is kind of dreamy and romantic.  Reversed, this card is about losing control.
Book:  Stifling anger, staying silent, lack of commitment, vengefullness, continue to have thoughts and attitudes that are causing you problems.
Guidance:  Listen before speaking, speak your mind.
Journaling:
I am seething right now and the problem is that I don’t even know who to be angry at.  I guess I’m angry at the universe because I don’t have the one thing that I truly want in my life.  I want love. I want someone to care about me and to worry about me.  I don’t want more responsibility in my life.  I don’t want to be A’s teacher.  I’m sorry, , I am saying what’s in it for me and finding the answer to be nothing.  I know people have guided me and mentored me, but I have nothing left to give right now.  I’m totally tapped out and I don’t have the energy.  
And yes, I’m really angry.  It is another Christmas and I’m all alone.  I want someone to share my life with, I’m tired of being alone and living alone.  This is no fun.  
They just gave me an interesting message that if i want someone to snuggle with, I need to create room to snuggle.
January 25, 2018
Interesting rereading this as I’ve been really working to get rid of the clutter in my life.  A big part of my putting my journals online is so that I can get rid of the emotional baggage.  As I read through all of these entries, I’m looking at what the lessons are and letting go of the pain that goes along with the journal entries.  I’m also working on cleaning up my space and getting rid of things that I don’t need or that no longer serve me.

Daily Draw: Knight of Cups (R)

First Impressions:  Closed off emotionally

Book:  Dashed romantic hopes, halting a courtship, looking at things objectively, negative reaction to increased demands of the world

Guidance:  Don’t let your dreams delude you, maintain your emotional balance, avoid extremes

May 27, 2018

I didn’t journal about this card, but this was right before my 50th birthday and I was feeling closed off and as if nothing I did mattered.  One of the things that I have realized over the last few years is the need to be emotionally open and to let people in.  That is really hard for me as I am not good about making friends and I don’t let people in easily. Maybe the lesson for me right now is that it is okay that I don’t let people in and that I need to stop beating myself up and trying so hard.  It’s okay that I’m not as open as other people.  Everything about me is okay and I am okay.

I just need to let my life unfold and to do the best I can.  If I continue to work hard on who I am and I am kind to myself, life will flow better.  The problem is that my shame becomes a vicious circle as I feel shame so I don’t feel like reaching out to others, then I feel closed off, then I feel shame.  I think the first step in this process might not be to let people in.  Maybe the first step in the process is to be kind to myself.

Daily Draw: Knight of Pentacles

First Impressions:  Solid, Grounded

Book: I want the job done right, I better do it myself.  Good soldier, practical, purposeful, methodical, rational, resourceful

Guidance:  Ground yourself, focus on the day to day, take care of yourself

Journaling

I need this message today as I am battling something nasty and I am reminded to be practical and take care of myself and my surroundings.  I just need to focus on what needs to be done.  There is no need to get angry or upset.  I just need to be practical and grounded.

May 25, 2018

I truly love what I wrote here, even though it was not very much because it shows that I was all about taking care of myself and putting myself first.  I wasn’t berating myself for being sick or saying that I had to do everything in in the world for everyone else.  I was kind and loving to myself and said that I mattered and that I needed to put myself first.

Wow!  That was huge for me as usually I am all about denying my own needs and putting everyone else’s first.  I am so incredibly proud of me for writing that.  I love reading through my old journals as they show me that I am truly growing and changing and that I am being a better friend to myself and am getting so much better at taking care of me.

Daily Draw: Knight of Wands

First Impressions:  Fire, Passion

Book:  Passion is the cause, meeting challenges head on, erratic, difficulty completing things, likes to stir conflict

Guidance:  Learn to temper appetites with restraint, balance, passion with restraint, adopt a wait and see attitude

Journaling

All the cards so far this week have been about letting go of my need to control.  I’m very much being told to adopt a wait and see attitude.  At this point I don’t know what I’m up against.  I feel as if I don’t know which way to turn.

I know what I want:  to live in my house, make the same salary, and to have love.  What I don’t know is how to get there.

May 24, 2018

Part of how to get there is to actually take action and I’ve been sitting here bitching and moaning about not being able to go places and not being able to connect.  Well I’ve taken some very concrete actions in that direction lately.  I’ve signed up to volunteer at a couple of places and I will follow up to see about actually making that happen.  And I’ve bought a car so that I can actually go places without having to share with the kids.

As to the actions to take on Love, I’m not actually sure what those actions are, but I will figure it out.

Knight of Pentacles

Knight of Pentacles
Hanson-Roberts

First Impressions:   The horns on his helmet tie him to earth bound animals like stags and he stands in front of a plowed field which also ties him to the element of earth.  Interestingly, his cloak looks like it is made of feathers.  Overall, this knight looks to be strong and and driven.

Book:  Methodical, rational, stable, kind and gentle, slow and steady, sensuous and passionate

Guidance:  Be patient and methodical

Journaling:

As I was reading this, it struck me as sounding like it was about someone I know, but this reading was not about him and is about me.  One of the biggest lessons I’m learning right now is that I need to make my life about me and not about other people.  It is all too easy to get caught up in the swirliness and make it about other people.  My life matters and it is not just about other people.

I feel like I’m drowning in emotions right now and I’m getting a chest cold, which means I am feeling some grief about something or other.  I’m feeling wave after wave of sadness and I feel as if I still have mourning to do, but I am afraid to feel those emotions because I don’t know if I have what it takes to pull myself out of that dark place again.  My heart hurts and I don’t know why.  I do know that grief is not linear and that there is no time table for grief, but that doesn’t make it any easier when I feel these emotions.  However, I have learned over the past few years that they are emotions and they cannot hurt me.

My reaction to an email is just that an emotion.  Even though I feel exposed, it is just an emotion.  I am fine.  I am grounded in reality and I am fine.  I need to pull some cards tonight about my mom and try to make sense of that situation.  Part of me feels that I am vilifying her because I can’t vilify my dad.  I feel like an orphan today.  Even though I know there are people in my life who love me, I feel like a lost child.

December 23, 2017

Wow! This was immensely powerful and shows so much growth.  This is the reason I think it is important to review and keep my journals because they do let me see how much I’ve grown and changed.  One of the most important lessons I’ve learned recently is that it is okay to talk myself off the ledge.  I used to think that my emotions were sacrosanct and that I had no right to interfere with them.  If I was feeling depressed or cranky or angry or sad, I just had to let the emotion run its course.  However, recently I’ve learned that it is okay to to talk myself off the ledge.  It is okay to virtually give that lost child a hug and help her through it.  I do not have to let the emotions rule my life.  That is so powerful and intense.