She who watches came to me last night in the form of the nine of air from the Gaian Tarot. I’ve endured a long month of depression starting on my birthday, November 6th, and continuing through my NameDay (i.e. the anniversary of the day I legally changed my name).
It’s always a time of darkness as memories of my estranged mother, my departed father (died November 28, 2008), my now ex’s heart attack (December 6, 2009), and my imploded marriage (Married November 19, 1988) haunt my body and soul. In years passed, I’ve berated myself for letting what were just days on the calendar affect my well being, but this year I’ve leaned into the pain. I’ve acknowledged the grief and sorrow these events have brought and I’ve chosen to cocoon myself and grieve.
The darkness was deeper than I’d anticipated and there were days when all I wanted to do was to cry. However, I got up each morning and did what needed to be done and reminded myself that I’ve been through dark times before and they had passed. I made myself pull my daily tarot card even though there were days when even that felt like too much effort.
The worst part of the darkness was feeling disconnected and as if my beloved goddesses had abandoned me. I cried out for strength, for compassion, for love, and it felt as if I was met with silence each time I cried out in pain. All my normal ways of connecting were not working.
Finally, yesterday, I woke and it felt as if the clouds were breaking and maybe, just maybe, things really would be okay. I reminded myself that on December 7, 2011 I had chosen to legally change my name to Raine (Queen) Clara (Saint) Shakti (Goddess) and that maybe I did have the strength and courage to pull out of this tailspin.
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Nine of Air
Gaian Tarot |
Last night the guidance finally came to me. I was laying in bed thinking about my pain and imagining a bleak future, which naturally lead me to think about the nine of swords. However, the nine of swords was replaced with the nine of air from Joanna Powell Colbert’s Gaian tarot and as I imagined myself the woman in the image, I heard She Who Watches tell me to just let go. To let go of the pole I was holding on to, to let go of the pain I was holding, to let go of the nightmares.
Letting go was hard, but as I let go, I found myself flying over the Seeker’s Valley. I was flying and seeing my life from the vantage point of an eagle rising above the strife and pain. I was free from all of it. As I flew, the valley became more colorful and psychedelic and I realized that I had to change my perception and let go of viewing the world as painful and ordinary. I was also shown that all the twists and turns I’d gone through in my life were leading me somewhere and that I was being taken care of and held.
She Who Watches said she was always there for me and was watching and protecting me. She also reminded me that I had the strength to persevere.
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Hag of Earth
Dark Goddess Tarot |
I awoke this morning feeling more calm and hopeful than I’ve felt in the last month and when I logged on to Facebook, what did I see? Someone had posted the Hag of Earth (She Who Watches) from Ellen Lorenzi-Prince’s Dark Goddess Tarot. And I felt loved and I knew my beloved Goddesses were still with me.
I’ve pulled both She Who Watches images from their respective tarot decks and they are sitting on my altar to remind me that she is always with me.
Update: December 21, 2017
I was cleaning my meditation room and a deck of tarot cards spilled. The card that jumped out was the Five of Discs which was a beautiful image of She Who Watches from the Triumph of Life Tarot deck.
Cairn by Cairn 