Gilded Tarot – Page 5 – Cairn by Cairn

King of Pentacles

King of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: This king is so much more casual than some other versions of the King of Pents. he is lounging as if he is a man who knows his own importance and isn’t afraid to be himself. The king of pents is clearly the master of his domain.

Book: Enjoy the finer things in life, working hard for what you have, wanting to set aside responsibility, not satisfied by the good life, sharing what he has.

Guidance: Welcome change and innovation, you’ve earned what you have

Journaling

Interesting that s I’m sitting looking over the city, I’m lonely. It feels as if I have everything I need or desire, but it doesn’t mean anything.

January 23, 2018

It’s been over a year since I pulled that card and my perspective has changed so much. Although I still want someone in my life, I’m better able to appreciate what I have and the person I’ve become. I think a big part of my problem was that I didn’t think I should be comfortable being alone and I didn’t think I should be proud of my accomplishments. My parents raised me to believe I was nothing without a man and John reinforced that by being jealous of who I was and what I had accomplished. He was continually trying to bring me down a notch and it became easier to just be “less than” than to deal with his drama. What I’ve learned is that it really is/was his drama. He was the one that felt inadequate. It was nothing that I did. It was all about his inadequacies. I don’t and can’t own them.

The funny thing is that the word that keeps coming up for me is Fierce. I feel fierce when I manage all the different aspects of my life. I feel fierce when I kick butt and take names. I’m learning that sometimes you just need to be direct and tell people what to do. It still feels really uncomfortable for me, but I know it is what needs to be done.

Six of Pentacles

Six of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: I’m not sure how I feel about this card as the hands are very disjointed and he is so focused on the scale that he isn’t looking at the people. This card is about judgement and about deciding who to give to.

Book: Giving, letting resources fall by the wayside, giving too much, choices, needs being mutually met, power imbalance, abuse

Guidance: Give wisely, examine your motives in giving, strive for more equality

Journaling

This card confirms what I know in my heart that X and I will never be together. He sees me as a peer and as strong and that’s not what he wants. He likes to be the white knight who rides the rescue and that’s not the situation any more. I think I knew it was over 3 years ago when he said I was a strong woman. That should have been a compliment, but it hurt like hell. It felt as if I was slapped in the face. In some ways, that was worse than all the insults that John threw at me. At the time, I thought my reaction was just me being paranoid, but I knew now that wasn’t paranoia, that was the end of whatever chance I had of being with him. He likes damsels in distress and that was the day I knew that wasn’t me any longer.

January 23, 2018

I’m not exactly sure how I got from the six of pentacles to the conclusion I drew, but I guess that is what the gods were whispering in my ear when I pulled this card. When I look at this pull in combination with the Nine of Pentacles Reversed that I drew before, this makes so much sense. The nine of pentacles was me being released from my golden cage and this card is confirming that I am my own person. I no longer need someone to take care of me as I’m quite capable of taking care of myself.

The thing is that I’ve been quite capable of taking care of myself for quite a long time, but because of the conditioning I received, I thought I needed someone and that I was nothing on my own. It’s taken me a long time to realize it, but I am good enough on my own and I don’t need someone to take care of me. I’ve also realized that collaborating and being taken care of are two different things. I can collaborate with people and continue to be capable and strong.

Nine of Pentacles (Reversed)

Nine of Pentacles
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: Reversed this card gives a sense of loss, a sense of losing what’s important, and of losing footing. It could also mean a loss of independence or prosperity. I do love how colorful this card is and the butterflies truly give it a sense of freedom

Book: Intolerance for emotional messiness, lack of discipline, frustration from unmet goals

Guidance: Get comfortable with imperfection

Journaling

This is a hard cared for me to read today. I’m not sure if it is about goals or finances. Part of what I have to figure out is why L. is bugging me so much. I don’t think it is about her as it is about what she represents. She uses people without giving back and that bothers me a lot. It makes me think of John as he used me and contributed nothing. It was always all about his wants and his needs and never about mutual wants and needs. That made it difficult to have a real marriage. There was also a huge power and income disparity.

I have to be with someone in my own income bracket as I can’t be with someone who makes a lot more or less as that doesn’t work for me. Those relationships just have too many issues. I don’t want to be the less powerful person because I refuse to be a kept woman, but I also don’t want to be the keeper as that gets really old.

January 23, 2018

As I continue to grow in my tarot journey, one of the things that strikes me is how many different meanings there could be in a card. I know the 9 of pentacles is usually read as a self made woman, but I wonder if another meaning could be someone who is in a gilded cage. Someone who has everything they want, except for freedom. In some ways, I really feel like that’s where I’m at lately because I have everything I want, but I sometimes feel so trapped and as if it would be wonderful to just walk away from it all. The nine of pentacles reversed could be about escaping from the gilded cage.

Three of Pentacles (Reversed)

Three of Pentacles (R)
Dark Goddess Tarot

First Impressions: Losing all progress, being unbalanced, Arrogance, not needing anyone

Book: Inefficiency, working at cross purposes, state of inner and outer discord, exhausted, overworked, burned out, not taking enough care

Guidance: Be aware of losing the magical connection to process and project, reconsider the team you are working with

Journaling

Interesting guidance as I’ve been thinking about the team in my life and I’m realizing that I surround myself with users who don’t give back. John was a user, A can be a user to a certain extent, L is definitely a user. My gives give back what they can, but I’m definitely carrying the heaviest load.

I’m wondering if part of the reason I’m struggling with manifesting love and relationships is that I have nothing left to give. I’m overdrawn emotionally and spiritually and there is no one to fill up my reserves and take care of me. I’m really torn about mentoring someone right now because it feels as if it is someone taking from me without getting anything back and I don’t have a lot to give right now.

I need to give some serous thought as to whether or not this is working and whether I can do it. I have to give serious thought to how to refill my well.

January 23, 2018

The universe has been telling me lately that I’m running on empty and I need to recharge. They are screaming this message at me as I left both my computer charger and the charger for my DVD player at home. If that’s not a big time screaming message that I’m out of energy, I don’t know what is. One of the ways this project has been really good for me is that I have had to rely on others and haven’t been able to just jump in and do everything. I’ve had to let others do the heavy lifting and that has been really difficult for me.

Right now I’m working on ways to stop the energy drain and the first one is better boundaries to stop expending energy on random strangers. That means tuning out the people who talk at me on planes, taking the bus instead of a cab when I can, and, if all else fails, telling people I don’t have time to talk to them. That sounds so rude, but right now I am in survival mode from an energy drain and I need to take care of myself.

I also need to find ways to recharge. I’m glad the weather is getting better because I love to walk outside and that really helps me recharge my energy.. I’m also going to take my turns walking the Clarken.

Ace of Cups

Ace of Cups
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: This card as interesting as it seems to be about intellect and knowledge flowing into the cup instead of emotions. I do love how the phases of the moon are over the cup, tying it to emotions and intuition.

Book: Purity of emotion, spiritual love, meant to guide as in being drawn along by a feeling, do not run from intuition, peaceful, grateful, receiving love and blessings

Guidance: Accept and feel your emotions

Journaling:

I am in a place in my life where I am emotionally fulfilled. I’m accepting and recognizing the love that is all around me and that’s a good thing. I feel as if I am blossoming by surrounding myself by people who are supportive and uplifting instead of gossipy nags.

I never realized how much my upbringing negatively affected me. My mother truly did set the stage for my marriage to John as she trained me to be a subservient nobody and that’s exactly what he wanted in a wife: Someone who would do her bidding and not want a life of her own. My saving grace is that he was incapable of supporting a family so I had to work to support us. If that hadn’t been the case, I might have lost all of me.

December 28, 2017

Sitting here in my house that only has my name on the mortgage, I’m realizing exactly how much I have broken away from my upbringing as I am not the person I was raised to be. My mother raised me to be subservient and to put everyone else first, but somehow I’ve overcome that and become a strong and independent woman.

As I write that phrase, I am so glad for Nephthys showing up in my life. I have to be honest and say I was so afraid when she first showed up as she was the epitome of a virgin woman: strong, independent, and confident. I was terrified of being independent as I’d been raised to believe that a woman was nothing without a man, but I am someone all by myself. Although I’d like someone in my life, I can still be complete and whole onto myself without someone.

Dearest Nephthys,

Thank you so much for showing up all those years ago and taking me under your wing. Thank you for helping me become the strong and independent woman I am today. And I finally know I am independent enough to share my life with someone.

Blessings,

Raine

Ten of Cups

Ten of Cups
Gilded Tarot

First Impressions: I love the cups in a rainbow over the house as it feels as if good stuff is going to shower down upon the family. Interestingly, there are no children in this card, but there are a couple of happy and playful cats.

Book: Harmonies, lives free of strife and conflict, happy home life, serene, blissful, loving unconditionally

Guidance: Do not neglect your family, do not stop treating people with love and consideration

Journaling:

This card is such a confirmation of the work I’ve done. For the most part I am happy and content with my life. I do want someone to love, but I’ve been so incredibly blessed with the kids, my home, etc. The only fly in the ointment right now is the way that John is treating Sean. Now not only has he forgotten he has a daughter, it also seems like he has forgotten he has a son and it makes me mad. I know I can’t say anything, but it still makes me mad that he is hurting SME again and again.

December 28, 2017

I hate it when I write something and put no context around it. I’m not sure why I was pissed at John last year, but it was probably because he was paying more attention to his girlfriend than Sean, but I guess it really doesn’t matter.

The Sun (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot–The Sun (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions: Sadness, feeling of loss or loneliness

Book: Hiding your light, low self esteem, failure to see the good, expecting everything to revolve around you

Guidance: Break through the clouds of gloom and despair and step confidently into your own light, love yourself more

Journaling

11/7/17–Oddly enough I did not do any journaling on this card when I originally pulled it. I’m not sure why because I think the messages are inspiring and things I truly need to listen to even today. I get so caught up in judging myself and putting myself down that I don’t give myself credit for the good things I do. I need to quit doing that.

Ten of Pentacles (Reversed)

Gilded Tarot–Ten of Pentacles (Drawn Reversed)

Keywords / Impressions: Loss of assets, lost of stability

Book: Holding on to things you have no use for, disenfranchised and outside the system, unconventional

Guidance: Norms be damned, be unconventional

Journaling

I’m reading this card as closing myself off to receiving blessings. My intuition tells me at a deep soul level that a relationship with someone loving would be amazing, but I’m closing myself off and shutting that door because I’m afraid. I’m terrified of meeting someone and getting close to them, then having them reject me. This would be even more devastating if it was someone I was already friends with and I lost their friendship as well as their love. I need to let go of these fears and open my heart and that is the hardest flipping thing I’ve ever done.

Update 11/07/17

After a year of receiving messages from the cards and my guides that I need to open my heart and be willing to take a risk, I think I’m finally ready to do that. I’m embarking on a year of love to focus on opening myself up to love. More about this in another post.

The Two of Wands

Gilded Tarot–Two of Wands

Keywords/Impressions: Decisions, Choosing between two paths

Book: Conscious of the future, waiting to make the best choice, inspiration and courage and not logic, tension between stability and mobility

Guidance: Follow your gut and move forward bravely

Journaling

I’m not truly sure what to make of this card. My logic tells me to walk away from F because he will never walk away from his situation. But my heart says to wait, but waiting is freaking lonely. However, I’m not really thrilled about the thought of expending energy to get to know anyone else. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point of being comfortable opening up emotionally to F. and trusting that he won’t hurt me and I don’t think I want to do the emotional work of getting to know and trust someone else.

Update 11/7/2017
Oddly enough, I’m comfortable being alone right now. Although there are days when I’m lonely, I’m feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin and that’s a very good thing. As I embark on this year of love, I also know that whatever is right for me will work out and I’m going forward with complete trust.

The Moon (Reversed)

The Moon (Drawn Reversed) Gilded Tarot

The Moon Reversed

Keywords: Logic

Book: Suppressing or denying intuition, avoiding the unknown, avoiding fears

Guidance: Don’t let your emotions get the better of you, be aware of a false sense of security, attend to your soul, explore your dreams

Journaling

My biggest fear is not being loved and not having a special person in my life. Unfortunately, I am still fixated on F and I don’t know if anyone else will do. I still honestly don’t know if part of the reason I am attached to him is that he is unavailable. Fixating on him lets me avoid one of my biggest fears which is having a relationship with someone and their leaving me.

Update 11/07/2017
It’s a year later and I still haven’t made any progress on the love front, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and really starting to accept who I am as enough. I spent so much time listening to the bullshit of my parents and everyone else who said that in order to truly be someone I had to be with someone. I’m realizing that that is not true and that I am an amazing person in and of myself.

I see so many people who jump into relationships after they’ve broken up with someone because they are so afraid of being by themselves and although there are days I really hate to be alone, I’m glad I’ve had this time to be myself and to work through my own junk. There are days I’m lonely and really want to be with someone, but I’m also happy that I’m getting to know me.